Chapter 11

He knew Clarke was damaged, he knew she often had panic attacks, no matter how much she tried to deny it. He knew she was claustrophobic, and he knew she had a troubled past. But what had happened now was a new level of hysteria. She was screaming, pounding at the doors, she was kicking and crying. Asking him if he could please get her out of the fucking room.

The fact that he knew there was nothing he could do destroyed him.

He had pushed the call button numerous times but to no avail. Nobody was answering.

Worriedly he looked at Clarke, who looked like she was doing some desperate attempt to crawl out of her own skin.

'Clarke.' He breathed as he tried to get her to stop moving the unnatural way she was, by holding her trapped in a hug again. All that it resulted in was Clarke only crying harder. Pushing him against his chest to try to get away from him. There was no way he would let her.

'Clarke please.' He tried to beg her but he didn't think she even heard him.

'No, no, no, no, please.' She sobbed in a disturbing way that sounded like she wasn't breathing. She probably wasn't.

'I'm here Clarke, remember? I'm here. Remember when you said nothing would happen if I was with you? I'm here for you.'

He tried to soothe her as best he could, but Clarke was still trying to break free from him.

'No, I was wrong. I was wrong.' Clarke sobbed. 'You'll hate me. You would hate me if you knew what I have done, what I've seen. You would be disgusted with me and never want to talk to me ever again.'

He raised his eyebrow as he looked at her suspiciously but said nothing and just hugged her tighter.

This time she didn't fight him, but she kept trembling over her entire body.

He knew Clarke had a troubled past. He knew that she had probably survived situations nobody should have to life through. There was a reason she was so closed of about her history. There was a reason why her entire body was covered in scars. He had wondered about it many times, wishing she would just trust him enough to tell him about them.

The thought that he would hate her had never even risen in his mind after the big Octavia fight. The only thing he always thought about was how he was determined to help her through it. To help her live her life again. To live it with as much love surrounding her as she deserved. Mostly love coming from him.

'I could never hate you.' He murmured in her hair.

'Yes, you could.' She was still trembling and sobbing, but she seemed to have calmed down a bit. Maybe the hugging her had helped her at least a bit.

'I was still so young,' She whispered. 'I didn't even know what I was doing and what the stakes where.'

Bellamy could only hold his breath as he listens to Clarke's silent confession.

'My father and I, we where so close, and I should have told him. I should have told him the truth years earlier. If I would have, he might still be alive today. If I would have been honest, I might have been on my way home right now to spend Christmas with him.'

Bellamy knew Clarke had never been close to her mother, but he still wondered where she was in this story.

'Bellamy.' Clarke said with a trembling voice as she finally looked up at him.

'I think I killed my father.'

For the fist time he noticed that he had tears rolling down his face as well. His heart breaking for the pain Clarke went through

'You parents died in a car accident Clarke. Nobody could have prevented that. It wasn't your fault.'

'Yes, it was .' She whispered 'I told Wells we were leaving. That how they knew. That was why they left. And I couldn't safe him. I was holding him when he died and I just couldn't find the wound'

Bellamy felt the went spot on his shirt from her tears.

'If I had could have found the wound I might have been able to stop the bleeding. But I couldn't. I wasn't fast enough. And then he died. My father died because I couldn't keep my mouth shut and because I couldn't safe him.'

Bellamy sighed as he heard Clarke's sobs started again.

'Hey' he said as he touched her chin to make her look him in the eyes. 'It wasn't your fault, you didn't kill your father okay.'

She only started to cry harder again

'Yes I did, it was my fault. He was the only person in the entire world to love me, and it was my fault he died.

And now everybody is saying all these thing about him, and I don't know what to believe anymore.'

Angry at her herself she pushed herself away from him again and wiped tears from her face.

'They are saying all these things that he supposedly did, and I never believed any of it. But then Wells just called, saying all those things.'

Bellamy nodded his head, finally understanding where this was all coming from. He promised himself that he would punch the guy in the face again if he would ever see him again.

'But I don't know anymore if they are lying or telling the truth. What if my dad really was as bad as everybody has been telling me and I just couldn't see it? What if the only person that ever loved me was a terrible person? What would that make me? I'm a monster Bellamy.'

Annoyed he grabbed her arm 'You are not a monster Clarke, you loved your father, and you tried to safe him, but you where in a car crash, and you where hurt yourself as well. It doesn't matter what people are saying about your father. In your memory you had a loving father, and that is the memory you have to keep on to'

Clarke tried to shake her arm lose again 'No Bellamy no! It was my fault! I killed my father, and I loved a monster! I'm a terrible human being!'

Desperately she started ramming on the doors again

'Please I need to get out of here Bellamy!'

'Clarke stop.' He tried to hold her down, the panic attack he had hoped to avoid back in full force.

'NO NO NO NO GET ME THE FUCK OUT OFF HERE.' she screamed.

'FUCKING GET ME OUT OF HERE! I CAN'T BREATHE!'

The screaming turned into crying, which turned into weird, quick, shallow breaths. She actually turned purple as she became smaller and smaller.

' pl please help me.' she got out between breaths.

She looked like she could faint any moment.

Bellamy saw her losing control, and actually stop breathing, he had to do something.

Without even thinking about what he was doing, he made the step towards Clarke, pushed her back against the wall and kissed her full on the mouth. When she didn't respond he feared that she may actually had passed out, and he was pulling new levels of assault.

He sighed in relief when he felt her arms sneak up behind him so Clarke could pull him closer to her.

After a moment she kissed him back, hesitantly.

'Hey,' He said as he pulled his head away so he could look in her eyes.

'Are you okay?' He asked, al least her breathing sounder kind of normal again.

'Yeah,' She mumbled 'Thank you, you really didn't have to do that.'

Her cheeks had turned bright pink, as she stared sadly at him.

'Trust me when I say that I wanted to do that.'

Before she could tell him to stop, he lowered his head and kissed her again. This time more determined, more forceful than the first time. The fist kiss had been to stop her from freaking the fuck out. This kiss was because after that first kiss, he realized that he wanted to do it again. That he wanted to spend his entire life kissing her.

Luckily for him, this time she responded immediately. Opening her mouth and kissing him back. It wasn't long until he felt her hands wander around his back, slowly, almost secretly slipping her hands underneath his shirt and feeling his skin. He growled in her mouth as she scraped her nails along his back.

'Fuck.' He managed to get out as he stepped even closer than he already was, grabbing her legs and pulling them up until they where around his hips. As soon as she was up, Clarke locked her ankles behind his back and started rolling her hips agains his pelvis.

When he started to move along with her Clarke mewled and the added pressure.

She pulled at his shirt, indicating that she wanted him to take it off.

When he apparently didn't do it quick enough she huffed annoyed.

'Take the dam thing off Bellamy.'

He laughed 'You are so bossy.'

Carefully he untangled himself a bit to get his shirt off and started pulling at hers as well, trying to get it of.

She moved her arms up so he could

'Uuuhgm hello?' A disembodied voice drifted trough the elevator.

Shocked Bellamy looked around, but there was no one there besides him an Clarke

'Yeah no this the head office of the elevator company,'

Bellamy realized the voice was coming from the small intercom in the elevator.

'Just wanted to say we can see everything you are doing in there, so uuh, you might wanna stop.'

Slowly he let Clarke down as he saw the regretful look in her eyes. They both really didn't want to stop.

Silently she pulled her shirt back down, not even looking him the eyes after he lost that first eye contact.

'Awesome thank you,' The intercom said.

'There has been a software ware problem on campus, so all the elevators have stopped and we have to turn them on by hand. So it's probably going to be an hour before they will get your elevator working again.'

'What!?' Clarke squeaked, panic returning to her eyes.

Fuck and he had been doing such a great job distracting her. Quickly he grabbed his shirt from the ground and put it back on.

'I recommend you guys just sit down and wait for help to come. And you know, remember that the cameras are still recording everything.'

Bellamy nodded and looked at Clarke's reaction, she didn't move but he saw the wheels in her mind turning like crazy.

'Hey,' He said, 'Lets sit down okay?'

Clarke nodded and followed him to the ground.

'Are you okay?' He asked as she crawled close against him.

'Yeah.' She mumbled 'Sorry for earlier, I didn't mean to freak out like that.'

When he looked at her to tell her of for even thinking she had to apologize for something like that, he saw that she had closed her eyes.

'Are you sure you are okay?'

she nodded her head in response still not opening her eyes.

'Can you please, can you please tell me a story or something like that? I really need to forget that we are locked up in this tiny metal box.'

'Yeah sure. What do you want to hear?'

'I don't care,' She said while she put her head on his shoulder.

'Ughm well,' He started, but didn't know what to tell. What kind of story could he tell that was appropriate for a post-panic attack, post- make out session, in the middle of a please don't go claustrophobic on me again situation like this?

'You know that when we where young Octavia and I didn't have a lot right?'

She hummed in agrement and nodded her head.

'Well our mom was gone a lot and our dad has never been in the picture, I mean I can remember him vaguely, but I think it is more the Pictures that I can remember than the man himself. I don't think Octavia ever met him at all.

'Any way, our mom was gone a lot, and usually we didn't know how long she would be gone, or if she was coming back at all.

So this one time, when I think I was about twelve and O six or seven or something like that. young.

Mom had been away for at least a few weeks, and the money I had saved with mowing the gardens of the neighbors was spend.

Octavia had been in a crap mood all week and I had gotten into a fight at school, so they had expelled me for two days.

It should have been a punishment, but to be fair I was relieved. It ment I could just relax for a few days.'

He run his hand through his hair as he remembered that time. Never in his life had he felt so alone. He saw how all the other kids around him could just play, have fun, and knew they had a warm cooked meal for dinner that night, while he was taking care of Octavia, knew there wouldn't be any food at all, an playing around was something he hadn't done in years. He might have been the only kid in the entire school that wished for his mum to be there and be mad at him for being expelled.

If a mother was mad that meant she at least cared, his mom was never mad.

'When I picked O up from school she showed me a drawing she had made that day. I think it was a fly fish? It looked like a purse but Octavia was convinced it was a fly fish, pointing to the blue as the oceaan, and the orange thing in the middle as the fish.'

Clarke hummed again 'I forgive you for not understanding O's artistic skills, I have seen them as well and they are pretty terrible.'

He laughed 'Thank you! That is wat I've been saying for years but she still thinks she's gonna be the next Monet.'

'Yeah, maybe a drawing class would do her some good.' Clarke Agreed.

'Anyway,' He went on 'I don't know why, but based on this drawing I suddenly decided to go the oceaan for a few days with O. So the next day I called her in sick, which wasn't weird because by then the school had realized they needed to come to me with problems about O instead of my mother. I packed some clothes for us and took a train in the direction of the Seattle, and away we went.

'I had instructed O to start crying if a conductor came by and made up some story how she had lost the tickets and we where on our way to see our grandma. I had every thing planned out.

And it worked. The conductors didn't care, which looking back, they really should have. Not just because we didn't have tickets but also because we where a twelve and a seven year old traveling alone. And the old lady who was the coupe we snuck in with us fed us the entire time. I guess she liked being around kids or something like that.

'When we arrived there, I managed to steal a wallet from a rich looking lady. To this day I still don't regret it. She had a dog in her purse. She deserved to get her Wallet stolen.

Lucky for me, because it had almost four hundred dollar cash inside it. I think she could miss it.'

Clarke nodded her head against his shoulder in agreement.

'So I booked us a hotel and got us something to eat. The next morning, somebody from the hotel knocked on the door as asked me to come with him. Finally somebody had noticed two kids alone in a room wasn't normal. Again I made up some bullshit story about how our grandma was picking up, but was delayed and I was free to go.

'When I walked back to the room, I planned on waking O up, and getting her ready to come to the beach with me. But when I walked into the room she wasn't there. She was gone.

He sighed

'I thought somebody took her, that somebody had caught her because I took a free train ride. I thought she would be taken from me forever as a punishment for me. I freaked the fuck out. Woke the entire hotel up with my yelling and looked through the entire Building.

Never in my entire life have I been so scared.

It turned out she had gotten locked up in the janitors closet across the hall from us. She thought it was the bathroom. It was one of those doors you can only open from the outside.

Instead of screaming her lungs out, the dumbass kept quiet and fell asleep again.

It wasn't until the janitor walked in, he had half an heart attack because he suddenly saw a sleeping child laying there, that we found O.

I was traumatized for the rest of my life, Octavia did't notice a thing.'

Clarke turned her head and looked at him with a small sad smile on her face. 'When I was young I was always hiding in the closet under the stairs when I was afraid. It was the only spot I knew nobody would find me.'

Bellamy nodded in agreement and gave her a small kiss on her forehead 'Great hiding places, Great places to sleep and give your brother a near heart attack, you know, however you want to see it.'

Finally a timid laugh left Clarke's lips.

'But the point is, I think that was the moment my complete overprotection over Octavia began, I think that was the first moment in my life I truly understood that at that moment, she was all I had.'

'Have you been telling me this whole story just to explain to me why you are the way you are?' Clarke asked still that small smile on her face.

'Well yeah,' His cheeks where turning a bit red.

Clarke sat up and gently kissed his lips 'You don't have to explain, I like you the way you are.'

It literally took everything in his power not to grab her head and kiss her like he wanted to kiss her.

She liked him! She had finally just told him she liked him. In the middle of a broken elevator he had managed to get a smile on her face and she liked him.

'Did you go to the beach?' he asked when she laid her head back on his shoulder.

'Yeah, it was the best week of our lives. We where just playing and eating and sleeping and having fun the entire week. For just that week, we where both just kids.'

'So sorry to interrupt, but the technics are here.' The mechanical voice said.

'Please stand up, and don't be alarmed if the elevator shocks a bit, we are bringing it down by hand'

'Jezus christ.' He cursed as he saw the panicking look on Clarke's face when they stood up. quickly he grabbed her and hugged her again. Making sure she couldn't move an inch.

'I've got you prinses, we'll be fine.'

XXX

'Are you okay?' He asked the moment they stepped out of the elevator.

'Yeah,' Clarke waved him off 'I just really want to get some fresh air.'

she walked towards the exit but stopped just before it and looked doubtfully at him.

'You want me to come with you?' he asked. It had been his plan to come with her, but she might not want him to. Worry filled his stomach as he feared Clarke might have second thoughts about that kiss earlier,

'Uhm,' She started. 'I'll be back in a few, maybe you can tell O and the others upstairs why we have been gone so long. I guess Murphy has his theories, but I feel guilty if they have waited with the present opening for us.'

Bellamy nodded. Christmas. There was the christmas party at the dorm going on right now. O would probably be furious that they had been gone so long.

'Sure.' He nodded and walked towards the open door of the stair case. He heard the doors opening and closing, meaning Clarke had left the building and stopped walking to lean against the wall. Not ready to go upstairs to the party just jet. What in gods name had just happend. His poor head just couldn't keep up. She had said she liked him. She had kissed him. She had wanted to go further then just kissing with him. She had trusted him enough to confess her fears about her father.

But did that all mean she wanted to be in a relationship the way he wanted to? Did she wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to or was she just with him because he was there and available. Maybe she did wanted to be with him but just didn't know how to sho-

'BELLAMY.' Clarkes voice screamed through the lobby. 'HELP' The fear in her voice so overwhelming he didn't even think before he started running to the doors.

'What is it?' He asked as he grabbed her shaking arms with both hands.

'It, It, it's O.' She cried.

O? as in Octavia? The way Clarke was sobbing again made him feel the same way he did when he was twelve and couldn't find her. Utter Terror.

'She's, She's, She's around the, the, the corner.' Clarke stuttered

He let go of Clarke and ran in the direction she was pointing at. It didn't take him long to reach the corner and he saw Octavia lying on the ground. The moment he came closer he saw the busted lip, black eye, and blood steaming down her face, not to mention all the thing he couldn't see, but knew where there.

Jezus. He was going to kill the person who had done this.

Dear, dear world who is reading this.

You have my utmost apologies for making you wait this long. I have some excuses, but none are very good. Maybe one; at the moment I'm also writing an other story, and I'm determined to finish it before I post it to avoid giant gaps like these. And to have a wonderful beta check it for me. because, you know, I make mistakes. In the planning the story will have fourteen chapters, and I'm on chapter eleven, so, almost there. And then I can go back on working on this one.

I can't promise to fully pick up this story again right now. But I can promise that I will finish it someday!

Lastly, thank you all for reading this. You guys are the best!

Oh, and happy Valentines day!