Mission Report

-open file—

Okay, I'm skipping over the prelims. Date, sector, mandate authorization, field agents assigned to mission, briefing materials, contact persons, itinerary and schedule…. You can fill that stuff in later. Let's cut to the chase:

We arrived on Plebius Minor a full half-cycle late, thanks to the inept chosski-head engineer on our transport—

Anakin. This is an official report. It is unprofessional to point out the head engineer's incompetence, much less to employ uncouth idiom.

Whatever.

Like this: We arrived on Plebius Minor one half-cycle past our expected arrival time, due to unpredictable mechanical failure aboard our-

Please, Master. That was completely predictable. I could have told you the hyperdrive stabilizer would blow past point seven four just by looking at the corroded relay circuits; in fact, I told that bantha-brained schuzzo as much while we were in transit. If he'd taken my advice –

Yes. If he'd taken your advice, we'd doubtless be marooned on some backwater world twenty parsecs off course.

Would not. We'd have got there on time, as in, before the Seppies.

Just let me finish the first sentence, would you?

Fine.

-unpredictable mechanical failure aboard our transport vessel. Upon docking at the capital spaceport –

Which, by the way, was a crater pocked chunk of chiszzk with some shabby prefab hangars rotting at one end.

I don't see how the condition of the facilities is relevant to subsequent events.

What? Um, yes it is, considering 'subsequent events' was pretty much us getting ambushed by about two hundred battle droids. I don't even think that was really the municipal spaceport. I think it was a trap.

Yes, well, I'm, getting to that. If you would stop interrupting for a moment?

Ok, I won't interrupt if you let me compose this thing. Where were we? Right. Upon docking at the capital spaceport, we were treated to a royal bushwhacking courtesy of the CIF and the craven boot-licking Premier, who basically handed us over to them on a platter to save his own scrawny neck.

Stick to the facts, Anakin. The Premier's motives for cooperating with the Separatist cause did not become clear until later. At the moment, we only knew that automated infantry opened fire on us the moment we stepped off the boarding ramp.

That's what I said.

No, it isn't. Upon docking at the spaceport, we were met with aggressive hospitality.

I like that. Aggressive hospitality.

Good.

Don't forget to mention how many. I think there were about two legions.

Nonsense. It was only one. Don't let your imagination carry you away. - Aggressive hospitality, resulting in substantial property damage to the spaceport and the decimation of a heavily armed droid battalion. The remaining hostile forces quickly executed a tactical retreat –

Now who's departing from the facts? They didn't tactically anything. They ran to save their sorry butts from a scrapping.

Droids do not run.

They do, from me.

Really, Anakin, I hate to take exception to your-

Never mind. Tactical retreat, blah blah, whereupon – that's for you, Obi-Wan – the pathetic premier and his staff showed up, and tried to feed us a pile of poodoo about how grateful they were for rescue from occupation when obviously they were just farking scared of us after we kicked their droids' arses. Oh yeah, and Master Kenobi's saber form would scare the hell out of any sane person.

For stars' sake. –the premier and his retinue exited the bunker in which they had taken shelter during the conflict. The chief of staff thanked us for liberating them from the Separatist droid invasion, claiming that they had been held hostage at the spaceport during the hours we were delayed.

They were scared, Obi-Wan. Admit it.

Both Master Skywalker and I sensed an unusual degree of fear in the Force; also, several of the premier's underlings were carrying concealed weapons which would easily have been detected by a standard scan, and confiscated by Separatist captors. We communicated our suspicions privately –

I still think we should have separate signals for 'he's lying' and 'are you kriffing kidding me?'

Such as?

Well.. maybe like this. Or this.

No. That already means 'you forgot one.'

Does not. This means 'you forgot one.' That means 'don't try this at home, kids.'

In any case, we digress. The point is –

The point is we figured out that the guy was a treacherous barve and the whole thing was a trap, but we put a good face on it. Mostly cause Obi-Wan was still spoiling for a fight since I got most the droids in the preceding battle.

Strike that, thank you. – discerned the premier's false intentions, but extended formal diplomatic greetings on behalf of the Republic and the Senate. We judged it most expedient to perpetuate the illusion of ambassadorial visitation for the purpose of determining which Separatist command was responsible for –

Like we didn't already know. You just like springing the trap 'cause it's fun.

It has nothing to do with fun, Anakin. I am instructing you in the intricacies of field work. Every trap is a teachable moment.

If that's true, then how come I end up saving you half the time?

-which Separatist command was responsible for the current state of affairs. We concluded that an intelligence leak had alerted the regional commandante to our imminent arrival, and that an emissary had been sent ahead to exert leverage on the planetary leadership, possibly threat of embargo or direct terrorist violence.

I thought we had to stick to the facts?

This is reasonable speculation, not wild embellishment.

That's rich coming from you, Master Flashy-Pants.

I beg your pardon? Soresu is an elegant form, rooted in the twin disciplines of –

Nobody else does it like you, Obi-Wan. Hello? Inverted triple helix hunting-scorpion salute? Really?

Envy ill becomes a Jedi, my friend.

You're compensating for something. Lack of height, maybe. Or small feet.

Go tell that to Master Yoda. Where were we?

Umm… possibly threat of embargo or direct terrorist violence. So then we ended up accepting the premier's offer of transport to the legislative center. For the record, Master Skywalker is still not sure why in the nine hells we did that.

Oh, in the name of – Master Kenobi deemed it expedient to –

Okay, why is that when you decide to risk our necks it's 'deemed expedient' or whatever but when I decide the same thing it's 'reckless audacity'?

Because it is, possibly?

That makes no sense, Obi-Wan, and you know it!

Do you mind? Master Kenobi deemed it expedient to accompany the premier's retinue back to their headquarters. While in transit, we ascertained that the main transport routes were heavily patrolled by Separatist forces, and that our actual destination was not the legislative complex, but a rather a fortified military prison erected on the far side of the city. Suspecting further treachery –

Ya think? I was way past suspecting at that point. You were lagging way behind if you were just getting the hint.

Simply because I have the patience to seek evidentiary confirmation of intuition's dictates-

Yeah, yeah. Let's see here: Suspecting further treachery, we opted to pull a fast one on our escort. Master Kenobi zinged 'em with a mind trick-

May I remind you that we are to term such actions 'persuasive influence' now? The Senate has been squeamish of late at the idea that –

Kriff the Senate, Master.

Anakin. May I also remind you that the order technically serves the Senate, inasmuch as it represents the Republic, and that –

They're all politicians, Obi-Wan. Don't make me repeat your lecture back at you.

Persuasive influence. That's the acceptable term.

Whatever. Zinged 'em with a mind trick, with the result that our vehicle pulled over to make bogus repairs. When the driver exited the vehicle, we … uh..

Appropriated the transport. Understatement will suffice, my young friend.

I thought you were the stickler for details?

This doesn't… doesn't count. Now where were we? Ah, yes. Appropriated the vehicle and employed it to penetrate into the enclosure's main courtyard ahead of the remaining convoy.

That was fun. Best driving I've done in years.

Hm. Due to Master Skywalker's reckless audacity –

Skill! Were you even watching?

I was trying not to, thank you.

Then what in the hells are you doing writing this up? Due to Master Skywalker's unparalleled skill, we penetrated the inner defensive wall ahead of the convoy and blasted the power generator main housing to smithereens. Master Skywalker wishes to note on record that his mission partner is a crack shot, and pretty ruthless with a stolen heavy artillery rifle.

Delete that last bit. Managed to destroy the shield generator is sufficient.

But you are. Ruthless, I mean. Who taught you to shoot like that?

How and who are irrelevant. Having disabled the primary power source, we proceeded to –

What do you mean irrelevant? There's gotta be a good story behind that.

Try to stay on topic, Anakin. We proceeded to-

-to kick the doors in and catch the Seppie commander with his pants down!

Unawares.

Nope. Leaving it like that.

Really, Anakin, have I taught you nothing….?

You taught me plenty of stuff. Like for instance – Master Skywalker singlehandedly deflected the entire vaping mechanized security system onslaught, shorted out the communications array and slagged the droid patrol summoned for reinforcements while Master Kenobi overrode the internal control system and released all the interred political prisoners including the Premier's family.

You ought to mention that the Separatist commander did voluntarily relinquish the access codes after our arrival.

Bantha-bollocks. He coughed 'em up 'cause I had him at saber point.

All the same, for the sake of accuracy-

Accuracy, shmacuracy. Whereupon – that's for you, again, Master – we cleaned up house, escorted the escaped prisoners to safety, routed the remaining Seppie forces and then blew the whole place sky-high for good measure.

That was an accident.

Nothing happens by accident, Obi-Wan. It's all the will of the Force. You taught me that yourself.

Yes, well, that doesn't imply conscious agency in every instance. The installation blew because –

Who cares? It was a wizard explosion and we walked away without even looking back!

Hm. The Separatist commander is presently in the custody of the planetary leadership, waiting trial in a neutral court. The Premier agreed to reopen negotiations with the GRA on condition that the prisoner's trial and sentencing be executed according to local custom. Since the primary mandate of our mission was to establish diplomatic rapport with the government of Plebius Minor, Master Kenobi assented to this provision.

The fact that the Republic martial courts are a cesspit of corruption has nothing to do with it.

Has nothing to do with this report, at any rate, yes.

Are we done yet?

Just a moment. Having fulfilled the terms of our commission, we returned to fleet and withdrew our capital ships from orbit, leaving only a patrol squadron in the system per protocol 3344665.

And a crater a mile wide, as a souvenir of our visit.

No – I am striking that - Anakin!

What? ?

Tell me you did not just hit 'submit.'

Oh…uh… oopsie.

In the name of - !

Relax, Master. I think the Council secretly enjoys a bit of color in these boring reports. Character. You know, charm.

You are going to be the death of me.

I'd be happy to give it a try, in the senior dojo. Right now. 'Cause I'm pretty much kriffing done with this report thing.

Yes, you made well and sure of that, didn't you?

You can thank me later.

I'll repay you now, in point of fact. Let's go.

That's what I'm trying to say. C'mon. We've got an hour before lastmeal. You can have the honor of being my last opponent to get his arse whupped before dinner.

In your dreams, my young friend. In your extraordinarily delusional dreams.

-close file -