Hey everyone. Just thought some of you would enjoy this story. To anyone reading anything else of mine, don't fear, this won't get in the way of any of the ones I'm currently working on. I've already have almost 50,000 words written of this which should keep you all busy for a while. I will also say that this is not to be taken completely seriously. I'm well aware that most of what will happen is highly improbable but this is more for humor than for reality, even with the serious topic.

Hope you enjoy,

Trouble 1

DISCLAMER: I do not own Naruto. I was never able to get enough ramen for the trap to work.

MINOR EDITS DONE 6/12/17
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"Are you alright? Scaredy cat," I taunted.

My eyes felt sharper as I held back an extremely large snake from eating Sasuke. Something inside me loved the way things stood, I was the one protecting my team while Sasuke was scared stiff. Oh how the tides had changed over the last few months. There's no way anyone could call me the Dead Last now that I just saved the pretty boy's ass.

Unfortunately, the second I thought this I forgot all about the gift wrapped freak on its head. She, or he (after meeting Haku I learned never to assume someone's gender based on facial features and hair length) grabbed me with his…her…ITS tongue before I could react. As I was being pulled away, towards the snake-obsessed weirdo, I was stuck between being startled at my current predicament, mad at letting myself be PUT in this current predicament, and grossed out that the cause of my current predicament was holding me with its TONGUE!

"LET ME GO YOU UNI-SEXED PEDOPHILE!"

The person in question looked at me questioningly, as if to ask 'what the hell is that about?' but then it just shook its head and spoke.

"The nine tailed brat is still alive, I see. With quite the tongue on him as well."

"Bet you like that!"

Again I was ignored, though I did get the pleasure of seeing an angry tick appear on the its head.

"Oddly enough, you and your bijuu are coexisting quite well. I'm going to have to change that." The it raised a hand, each finger glowing with a different kanji.

"FIVE PRONGED SEAL!" it shouted as the glowing fingers were forced into my seal.

An intense pain coursed throughout my body, making me unaware of anything other than it. I could have sworn that I heard someone shout at Sasuke while the other one screamed. When I thought back on it, I was probably the one screaming, but why anyone was calling out for Sasuke when it was ME that was getting hurt I would never know.

Everything became fuzzy after that, like I was losing consciousness. I was vaguely aware of being thrown into a tree then dangling there from my jacket. I felt that if I did let myself get knocked out, something bad would happen. So I struggled to claw my way back to the real world, using nothing but my strong force of will to do so. Luckily I have a lot of that.

Once I was back, I opened my eyes to find myself dangling on a tree, nothing holding me there except a kunai through my coat. I could hear fighting nearby, probably that it person and one of my teammates. On second thought, probably not. Well, whoever the It was fighting, I figured I could get down without them noticing, but only if I was quick about it.

Though I was still in pain, I reached up and pulled out the kunai. After I began to fall, I focused chakra into my feet so that I would stick to the tree but something wasn't right. My chakra didn't work like it should, this was made apparent by my feet slide down the bark like I wasn't even doing anything.

Lucky for me there was a branch just a few feet down that I could land on. Once I did, my legs wobbled, forcing me to grab the tree in order to keep from falling again. After I was able to stand on my own, I looked up to see how the fight was progressing. To my surprise, I saw Sasuke was the Its opponent and though I could tell that the bow wearing non-gender was holding back, Sasuke was still doing pretty well against it.

He was able to surprise the It with a couple kunais, a shudikin, and some ninja wire. Something I knew I'd have never thought of. Then the teme set the string on fire, burning Its face off. No really, its face was peeling off like an orange peel, or a sticker off a wet bill board. It then said something about wanting Sasuke, and my two teammates froze…AGAIN!

They didn't even move as It stretched Its neck out, its snake-like fangs gunning towards Sasuke's neck. Without thinking, I threw myself up as far as I could, grabbing Its now extremely long neck and pulling it off course. When It sunk its teeth into bark instead of my duck-butted teammate, it wasn't very happy. I quickly found myself yanked back towards the snake person again, and grabbed by my jacket collar before I could let go.

"How are you still conscious?" It looked at me like one studies a science experiment. "I tightened your seal so you can't access the fox's power, so how are you able to keep fighting?"

"I don't need that stupid furball's power to fight you, ya creepy pedophile!" I yelled back.

I tried to hit him or kick it in some way, but it kept me too far away for that.

"And why do you keep calling me a pedophile?"

"Because you look at Sasuke like hungry kids look at an ice cream cone, you clearly said you 'want him', and you just tried to give him a hickey. So that makes you some creepy old pedophile… or Ino in disguise."

Somewhere in the forest, another blond sneezed, scaring away their dinner.

"How troublesome," her teammate said before falling back asleep.

"I'm not a 'creepy old pedophile' nor a fan girl," it said crossly.

"Umm…if you're not a guy or a girl, does that mean you don't have a gender?"

"If you must know, I'm male, but NOT a pedophile."

"You look like a chick," I said while reaching for a kunai.

But before my fingers could even brush the pouch, the girly man slammed me into the branch of the tree we were standing on.

"Cleaver boy, trying to distract your opponent while planning a counter strike," he said, sounding amused. "I must say, you are quite intriguing yourself, but you keep getting in the way. It would be easier just to kill you so I'd know for sure you wouldn't ruin my plans; but then I wouldn't get a chance to study you more."

Personally I didn't like either of the choices. The man was starting to give off the creepy doctor vibe, and I didn't like doctors. I went to voice my opinion but was slammed into the tree again, causing my vision to swim.

"But I have plenty of time to come up with a solution," I heard the snake-man say, his voice sounding as if it was under water.

I was starting to lose consciousness again, but this time there was no fighting it. The last thing I saw was the mad man's neck extended again and the sound of Sasuke screaming in pain before all went black.

! ! ! !FEW HOURS LATER! ! ! !

After giving Sasuke his "present" and that so-called "fight" with Anko, Orochimaru was in a pretty good mood. He was still floating around the Forest of Death, more for the fun of it than anything else. Though he was enjoying his leisurely walk, he did have something he had to do. Soon after fighting his precious student, he had come up with a way to solve his problem with the blond brat. It was an ingenious idea, yet so painfully simple he should have thought of it before hand. But he had it now, which attributed it to his good mood.

It was nearly dark when he ran into the person he was looking for. He dropped down in front of the group, startling only the two teammates.

"Orochimaru-sama, did everything go well?" the unsurprised one asked respectfully.

"Yes, though I did run into a bit of a problem. A problem I was hoping you could rectify, Kabuto."

"Whatever it is, Orochimaru-sama, I'm sure I can handle it." The silver haired man grinned as he pushed his glasses up, making them flash.

! ! ! !FEW DAYS LATER! ! ! !

We were on the fourth day in the forest and were running low on time. Somewhere along the way we had picked up the weird guy with the ninfo cards. He had said something about losing his teammates in the forest and wanting to stick with us until he found them.

Truthfully, I wasn't listening very much; I was still trying to figure out when Sakura found time to get a haircut in the middle of the forest. It was cute, but I kinda liked the long hair better, not to mention after that whole snake-man ordeal I was kinda rethinking my whole crush on her. She didn't try to do anything other than scream our names…well, scream Sasuke's name. Apparently I'm chopped liver; not chopped ramen, or chopped fishcakes, or even chopped veggies!

Anyways, while we were traveling with the silver haired spectacles man, we had ran into a random team and were able to snitch the scroll we needed when they weren't looking, actually after they were knocked out but same thing. We were on our way to the tower in the center when we noticed that it was starting to get dark.

Considering we had the whole day tomorrow to get there, we decided that it would be best to set up camp so when we arrived there tomorrow, so we'd be well rested.

Spectacles offered to take first watch. Though my teammates were a bit apprehensive, they decided that it was probably best. After all, he had more experience in the field than all three of us put together. Not to mention, first was most likely going to be the longest and we were still feeling the effects of the attack a few days ago so we all grudgingly went to sleep. Well, I went to sleep almost immediately, not nearly as distrustful as I should have been.

! ! ! !FEW MORE HOURS LATER! ! ! !

"Naruto, wake up. It's your watch," I heard Sakura say as she nudged me with her foot. I simply rolled over.

"Five more minutes."

"Get up!" she hissed, kicking me off my bed roll.

"Wha?"

My eyes shot open to try and figure out what was happening but the forest was so dark that I couldn't see anything,

"It's your watch." I could hear her footsteps move away as she made her way back to her bed roll. "I'm going to sleep so you better stay awake or you'll regret it."

"Alright, I'm up," I said, finally sitting up close to my bed roll.

I figured, since it was so dark it would probably be safer to stay where I was. I didn't want to trip over anyone and wake them up. That would be bad, especially if it's Sakura, she'd beat the crap out of me. So I sat there waiting for the sun to rise.

It felt like several hours went by without the sun even starting to peak over the horizon; I was sure the sky should have gotten lighter by now but it wasn't. It was, apparently, going to be one of those days when time just drags on almost as if it's stopped.

It was a while later, that I heard someone's bed roll rustle. Thinking they were just going to turn over and go back to sleep, I was surprised to hear Sasuke "hm" in disbelief.

"Dobe, you were supposed to wake us up at sunrise," he said, his voice sounding a tad annoyed.

"The sun's taking its own sweet time rising."

"It's already up."

"Impossible!"

"It's already ten o'clock." I glanced around, starting to get worried about not seeing anything. "Sakura, we have to go. The dobe decided to ignore the sun."

"What? Baka! Are you blind or something?!"

I heard them packing and yelling at me some more but I wasn't listening very well. The whole blind comment kept repeating itself in my mind.

I bolted to my feet, desperately looking around, searching for anything to prove myself wrong. I stumbled away, tripping over my sleeping bag, ignoring my teammates as they called my name, confused. There had to be something, even if it was just a small smidge of sunlight. But before I even found it, I ran into something hard head first, knocking myself out cold. The last thought that crossed my mind was I really couldn't see.