AN: For people not familiar with CCC, a few things to help this story make sense: in CCC, BB demotes Kotomine from his EXTRA post as Grail War Administrator to humble shopkeep instead. Female Hakuno really likes candy and if you have Gilgamesh as your Servant once you're about halfway through the game he'll start giving her candy after battle if he thinks you've performed well. Gil haet mapo tofu, to the point that he tells Hakuno that if she develops a taste for it, he will immediately break his contract with her.

Also, for readers who've only seen Gilgamesh and Kotomine interact in FSN/Zero, I should mention that CCC Gilgamesh very obviously dislikes and distrusts Kotomine: he considers Kotomine to be a creepy, sinister asshole and constantly warns Hakuno away from him during the game. Since CCC Gil is supposed to be nearly identical, personality-wise, to Uruk Gilgamesh, the Kotomine of Zero apparently got really lucky that Tokiomi summoned a cranky genocidal Gilgamesh incarnation instead of one closer to the original, because CCC Gilgamesh makes it clear that he'd happily carve the fake priest up like a Thanksgiving turkey given the slightest excuse. He's about to get one.

Rare Candy

"Mongrel. How often have I told you not to linger in the shadow of that fake priest? I grow weary of this. Come away at once."

"Just give me one more minute Gil, okay? I'm tired too, but we need to resupply and I'd like to look over all this new stock." Father Kotomine has already rung up several potions, elixirs and a new pair of stockings but the display case is stuffed with things she's never seen before and Hakuno's curiosity is getting the better of her. This wasn't all here when we entered the Labyrinth an hour ago. Wonder where it all came from?

Something gleams underneath the usual bottles and cans of healing items. Bending, Hakuno sees a large purple bag tied with gold ribbon on one of the lower shelves of the kiosk. She taps the glass with her finger. "What's that? I don't think I've ever seen it before."

"Ah. You have discerning eyes, girl. That bag contains a new and most unique kind of candy. In fact, there is like it in the world." The priest turns to look directly at Gilgamesh and his strange, serene smile pulls the corners of his mouth a little deeper. "I daresay even the exalted King of Heroes cannot boast of owning anything like it, such is its rarity."

Gilgamesh snorts, very quietly.

Her heart skips a beat. "Candy?" New candy? Candy that even Gil doesn't have? Wow. Saliva floods her mouth: she swallows hard and coughs discreetly to cover it. "How much is it?" Her voice is calm, perfectly casual, not over-eager at all.

Clank, clank, clank. Gilgamesh is coming closer. She pretends not to notice, and continues looking up at Kotomine with an expression of mild, innocent interest as he lifts the bag onto the counter. I'm not leaving until I get some of this candy, so deal with it.

"For this candy, I am asking only ten million Sakurament."

"W-what?"

The priest smiles at her sputtering face. "You object? I feel it is a very fair price, considering this candy's rarity." He opens the bag and withdraws a reddish piece of candy the size of her thumb, holding it before her like a precious jewel. "However, since you are such a devoted customer, I am prepared to offer you a stunning, one-time deal. One piece for twenty thousand Sakurament. Consider it quickly. I will not make this offer again."

Twenty thousand Sakurament for a single piece…But there's really nothing to debate when she's surrounded by such a heavenly fume of chocolate and her fingers are already counting up her remaining Sakurament. "If it's that rare, just this once I guess it's okay—"

"If it is truly a rarity, then the proper place of that candy is with the king."

Golden light floods the kiosk as Gilgamesh looms over her, holding out a wallet the size of her head. With a sneer, he drops it in front of Kotomine. "Such things are not meant for peasants, after all. Ten million Sakurament. The candy, fake priest, and be quick about it."

"Gilgamesh!" she snarls before she can stop herself. "How could…at least give me one piece! I'll even pay you for it if you want, but damn it, for once let me have something!"

The king is already opening the bag. "Don't grumble so, mongrel. Should this not be to my liking, I will grant you the reminder and you may stuff yourself with it as you please. But in the case of a rare commodity, the king must always be the first to acquire it." Gilgamesh pops a piece in his mouth: she can see him rolling it from cheek to cheek, testing, then a golden eyebrow lifts slightly and he begins to chew.

Hakuno looks away, her face burning, and takes a few deep breathes, clenching and un-clenching her hands. She's hot, tired and cranky and now Gil's stealing her candy. "I don't know why I expected anything better from the King of Greed," she mutters, fighting for calmness and turns back to Kotomine. "Is there any chance that you'll be getting more of this in stock?"

The priest shrugs and spreads his hands as if to say only if God wills it. "Perhaps. You have reached a time of great battle, when my items are of even greater importance than before, and this candy was quite time-consuming for me to make—"

Gilgamesh stops chewing.

"I found myself leaving my other duties sadly derelict during the process." Kotomine smiles humbly, but there is an unpleasant gleam in his eyes. "But, if I am called to produce more of it by a higher power I will certainly abide."

"Y-you…you damned fake priest—"

The bag falls to the floor with a soft thump, candy exploding out of it as Gilgamesh doubles over, clutching his throat.

Fear sends a sword straight through her heart. "Gil! What's the matter? What's happening?" The king's face is an alarming dark red, nearly the same color as the candy, his breathing shallow and hoarse. Hakuno wraps an arm around his back, trying to hold him upright, but it's no good, that golden armor is too damn heavy and they both tumble to the ground.

"Kotomine! What the hell is in this stuff?" If anything happens to Gilgamesh she's going to take Ea and run the priest through with it until he's like lotus root, she doesn't care how, she will make it happen. "Gil, just breathe slowly, relax." She's pretty sure the short gasping sounds coming from the king are actually curses, which makes her feel a little better, but he's never been like this before, flushed and feverish, his bones like jelly, unable to even raise his head. Sweat pours off his face; she wipes it carefully away with her sleeve and he glares at her. Another good sign.

The priest watches them with calm eyes. "Simply chocolate with an experimental spice blend that I tinkered with over the years. It is not anything unusual—in fact, it is much like the spices used in mapo tofu—"

Gilgamesh chokes.

"It seems," Kotomine continues softly, "that the King of Heroes is quite intolerant to spicy food. A pity that his devotion to collecting rare objects has made him so incautious. Or," the priest says, even more quietly, "was it instead devotion to your master that spurred your hand—"

A trembling golden fingers wavers in the air, then points straight at Father Kotomine. There is a sudden bloom of light, a tremendous crash, an even larger cloud of dust and when Hakuno finishes coughing both her lungs clear of the debris, Kotomine and his kiosk are gone. An enormous golden statue of an archer, her bow pointed straight at the heavens, has taken their place, gleaming brilliantly amid the rubble.

"So perish all the king's enemies," Gilgamesh croaks and drops his hand. "Mongrel, take me back to our room. Now."

oooooo

"Mongrel," Gilgamesh whimpers for the millionth time tonight, "more iced wine."

She wants to say something, oh how dearly she wants to say something, but her teeth are chattering too hard for speech. She pulls over another icy cask of the wine with a grimace, pours it into a crystal goblet of incredible thinness and beauty. The goblet in one hand, she uses the other to lift the king's head high enough off her lap so he can sip. He drinks so long that her hand begins to ache.

"Hakuno," Gil says when he finishes and is once again lying in comfort on her lap, "the ice packs need replenishing as well."

Silently, she fetches more ice from the hundred barrels that have been crammed into her room, refills the pack across the king's forehead, the ones stacked five deep against his naked body and lastly (while pointedly looking at the ceiling) the one she had hastily thrown across his crotch when he had burst out of his armor as if it was red-hot.

Gilgamesh nods limply once she finishes. "I should now be comfortable for at least another hour. Ah, in situations grave as this, the only sure remedy is wine and the comfort of a woman's thighs—well, since you are the nearest thing to a woman available, I suppose I must make do as best I can." He stretches and wriggles slightly onto his side, his golden head heavy on her aching legs. "Mongrel, why do you scowl so? You should be grateful to the point of tears that I have taken this cruel attack for you. If I, with my superior body, could be brought so low, you would have been but a smoking puddle on the ground had you partaken of that cursed sweet." He wriggles a little more. "And to be once again graced with the sight of my splendid form, and the gift of my head upon your lowly thighs…truly, mongrel you are blessed beyond your worth!"

"Yes. I'm such a lucky girl, aren't I. Thank you ever so much," Hakuno grinds out. "Don't worry. Be assured, oh mighty King, that I won't ever forget this. Ever."