Disclaimer : Not Mine

Warning : Bad Grammar, Un-Beta-ed, English not my native

Source of plot bunny : Triwizard Tournament

Fandom : Harry Potter and The Hobbit

Pairing : None

Warning : Fangirl in closet.

A/N : Edited version, with fangirl in it, because why not?

Charlie Weasley and his co- worker are considering slightly insane by magical population, for working with the dragons. Unfortunately they were right, accept they aren't slightly insane, these people are downright crazy. During one of their drinking night, Bill Weasley join his brother and his co-worker after been kick out from his house by his wife and sister in laws for their girls night, that he realise this tiny bit rumor are true. A little bit late as his muddle brain watch the runes he made with dragon blood glows and the last thing he remember were a cackling laughter of his brothers coworker.

Weasley brothers and co worker end up on Middle Earth, specifically Bag End of Shire shy a week before the arrival of the Company. The humble owner of Bag End, while flustered and shock with the sudden arrival of them, happily allow them to stay there until they find a way to their world after he know the truth. Not all the truth mind you, they did tell who they are, but not the fact that they are the dragon tamer or in Bill case, a curse breaker and more importantly about their magic.

The arrival of the dwarves caught their attention. Of course being a trouble maker and brothers of the prankster twins, Bill and Charlie easily control the dwarves easily much to relief of Bilbo Baggins. Bill decides, whatever business these dwarves had with Bilbo Baggins was none of their problem and they should concentrate in finding way home. Of course everything went down the drain with the arrival of Gandalf and later the leader of the Company, Thorin Oakenshield. Bill only sighs in resignation, when the motive behind the gathering was reveal. Dragon. Of course it would be a bloody dragon. When Gandalf ask them, if they were interested in joining their quest, Bill (somehow been elected as leader) tempted to say no. But he could feel his brother and his co worker stare behind his back along with a promise of painful retribution if he turns down. He simply agree before turn to the crazy dragon tamer to curse them hell and back before being hug by his brother and his co-worker to death.

Co worker no 1 had caught in experiment blast that end up with him / her speak Gaelic only. They unable to reverse him / her back to normal. Somehow, he / her and Bifur manage to understand each other perfectly fine. They quickly become best friend at the beginning o the journey.

"Did they realise that they speak in different language?"

"Beats me. Why don't you ask them,"

"..."

The Weasley brothers and Charlie co workers are adequate fighter with weapons, hazards of the job. For the dragon tamers, most of their swords are made with dragons bones while Bill sword is goblin made. Each and every one of them had an extendable pouch with notice me not and sticking charms at their hips.

Someone from the company ask about their weapons, and their reaction make them laugh.

The Wargs attack them, on the full moon. Bill, who being trying to control his werewolf side, snapped and growls dangerously back at the wargs pack. The younger one become docile but the older one fight back and the battle of alpha start. Bill easily slaughters all of the warg with his enhanced ability.

" What the hell happen here!"

"Oh nothing, it just a full moon,"

"What that supposed to mean?"

The meetings with elves of Rivendell are fine. Because of the fight with the wargs, he pass out and Charlie become their leader until he wakes up. He tell Elrond about their problem, he agree to help them.

Co worker no 1 sing a song while the rest of his / her team simply sighing at him/ her. Bifur burst out crying much to their chagrin.

"Damn... that must be a truly sad song, Bifur even cry!"

"It a song about ... well… er… anyway there's nothing sad about it!,"

"Yes... there nothing sad about that,"

"Huh... well as long as they happy, who's care,"

"Hear... hear,"

They force to reveal magic when been capture by goblin king.

"So when all of you will going to tell us about that,"

"How about never. It seems like a good time to erase their memory right now, right Charlie?"

"Do it and we march back to Shire, dragon be damn,"

"Sorry guys, my brother say no,"

"ANSWER ME GOOD DAMNIT!"

Their got separate during attack by Azog. More specifically, all of them fell down the cliff. Since they were wizard, simply use magic to land.

"Well that's was fun"

*smack*

"Oww... what the hell Bill,"

"Nothing, suddenly I having the urge to hit you Charlie,"

"Don't you think you become violent recently?"

"I know,"

"Guys... I think they hitch the eagle... It's not fair... I want to ride the eagles.."

Meeting with Beorn was nothing out of ordinary; after all they did have giant and shape shifter.

Forest of Mirkwood

"This bring back memories my fourth year"

"So… do I want to know what you did Forbidden Forest?"

"Obviously not looking for spiders or ugly snake..."

"Right..."

"You guys are crazy,"

"Thanks! " "We know,"

Meeting the spider...

"Mahal... ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US!?"

"Of course not! We killing the spider,"

*snort* "... more like burning them alive..."

"Hush you... let us enjoying this glorious moment,"

Meeting Thranduil

Let just say, the insult out of the Weasley brother mouth before they reach the throne. The bad blood between Malfoy and Weasley didn't' end just the war over. Add with the stress and full moon, Bill lips are more loose than normal leaving the rest almost turn to blue with laughter. In their defend, Thranduil look too much like Lucius, much to the Company and the Elves confusion.

Of course later, Bill was sane enough, offer to charm all the arrow into flame arrow after rest of the elves seeing the burning carcass. He reassure the prince and the captain that the arrow only effective on spider only. He still refuses to apologize to Thranduil though.

In the end, they still escape by barrel.

"Well that was fun... we should do again next time,"

Lake Town...

"What did you do with Master and his man, William? He looks deliriously happy,"

"Oh that, I just grant their wishes, Master Balin,"

"What kind of wishes?"

"Apparently they demand a payment for our entrance, so I'm giving them,"

"Ohhh... Charlie, you said your brother was a law abiding citizen?"

"Thats Percy, you dolt. Bill is just as bad as the rest of us. He just better at hiding it,"

"You?"

"I work with you. That should say something about me,"

"Mum gonna have a heart attack after this,"

"Did you understand what they're saying Bilbo?"

"No, frankly I don't care anymore..."

Something bad coming this way…

Bill watches one of Charlie co-worker warily. He notice when they end up here, no 4 was giddily happy and there's time at Carrock when Thorin thanks Bilbo and manly hug him, no 4 almost explode (literally and figuratively) into happiness. Now, no 4 keep giggling at whatever no 4 write in parchment and give the same look his mother gives to Charlie. Bill can't help but shudder. The last time he tried to help Charlie, his mother threaten to cut his hair. He can only pray those two will survive whatever plan no 1 had for them.

No 4 look at the dwarves, especially Thorin and Bilbo and had to restrain from cackling madly. No 4 is actually a muggleborn witch; her mother was an English Professor, so yes, she knows where they are actually. She had a whole collection of books and movies about them. Oh and those two… yeah… her co-worker and Dori had been fussing and mother hen her when she suddenly develop a sudden nose bleed a couple time starting from Carrock and on the way to Beorn house. She look down at her parchment and let out a mad giggling, ignoring the look giving by dwarves, hobbit and her co-workers. One of her bucket list had been up to number one priority and she swore to get it done before they continue their journey to Erebor.

Meanwhile, Thorin and Bilbo feel imminent doom and can't help but shudder.

Event they never spoke, even under the threat of death

After the party and drinking competition, the dwarves and hobbit sprawling on the floor unconscious. Bill, Charlie and the rest of them laugh openly at them, No 4 especially. Then again none of them ever taste the firewhiskey. After making sure they truly out of it, no 4 use a spell to bring Thorin and Bilbo into the bed. She simply giving a Look at the rest of her friend completely miss the look of alarm Bill give Charlie or the give up shrug Charlie give to his brother. After she positions both of them on the bed, she whips out the camera and start to cackling madly.

The next morning, the Company, Bill and Charlie wake up at the sound of Bilbo screaming coming from Thorin room, which cause a lot of thing happens. It took them at least two hours to calm down with occasional death threat coming from Thorin. By the times all of them coming down from breakfast, they saw no 4 sitting in front of fireplace who cooing softly at a leather book. No 4 look up at them, her eyes gazes toward Thorin and Bilbo causing her to giggle before continue stroking her book.

"What happen to her?,"

"Hell if I know,"

"Don't tell me, she the one…"

"Thorin! Put the sword down!,"

"Uncle calm down! Bilbo help!,"

"Wh.. Why me?!"

"Settle down everyone. No Thorin, you can't hit her. I doubt she has anything to do with that,"

"You're sure lad?,"

"No… but pretty sure if you do anything to her, none of you will reach Erebor in one piece,"

"… Fine. Just keep her away from me,"

"I'll try. No promise, but I'll try,"

"Good..,"

"Myyy… precciiioouusssss….,"

Arriving at the Erebor secret door

Bill could feel the disappointment in the air when the company unable to find the key hole. He raises his eyebrow when Dwalin tried to break the door with his knuckle dusters. He simply sighs before making a sharp loud whistle to gather their attention.

"Good, now I got your attention, Dwalin stop bashing your weapon at the wall its pointless. Thorin stop brooding, it's not the end of the world yet. Balin, Ori, tell me again about the map and the door,"

It took them a few second before they gather their bearing and re told about it. It only took a few minute before Bill sigh and look at the rest of the company.

"You guys... I wonder what will happen if I wasn't here,"

"Probably sulking and brooding like nobody business,"

"Kili!"

"What!"

"Stop! Now... it says here the door appear at the end of Durin Day, am I right?"

" Aye, but.."

"It's not the sun, it's the moon, lets await for few more hours, it will appear soon,"

"Are sure lad?"

"Of course he is. This is his job,"

"Job?"

"Yeah, like Indiana Jones mix with National Treasure,"

"Uhhh... what and what?"

"Forget it Kili, forget it..."

Before facing the Smaug

Charlie and the rest of hos co worker had changed their cloth. All of them wearing a dragon skin jackets, gloves and boots. All of them carried various equipment that cause all the company look at them warily.

"What it this?"

"Well we're facing the dragon Thorin, what do you think it is?"

"Bilbo..."

"Bilbo will be doing his job while we, will be doing our REAL JOBS,"

"And thats is...?"

"Kill or capture the dragon,"

Meeting the Smaug

"Aren't you such a beautiful..." croon co worker no 3 while stroking Smaug cheek. The dragon did try to burn all the intruder, but they simply jump out of the way. After a couple more try which end up in failure, he roar in frustration before lights from various direction hits between his eyes and before he can fight back, he feel his body slowly froze, he try to fight back before another batch of light him again and again until he no longer can move. He fall back on his hoard and look at those insolent Men. For the first time Smaug feel a horror creep inside in mind. He will his body to move and he can feel his tail twitching but that cause another batch of light hit him. He move his eyes look at the Men who gather in front of him, all of them raise their hand, before he knew a batch of red light hit him and he gone.

The company can hear the dragon roars, the moment they hears it, all of them rush forward leaving Bill who walk leisurely behind them. He knows Charlie and his co worker could handle the dragon. Well if he dead, he just ask Harry to revive him back and taunt him for the rest of his life. Meanwhile the company arrive and the scene, can't help but gawking at the scene in front of them. Their burglar have been shove to the side for safety, the group of young Men, the crazy, happy go lucky and downright insane who travelling with them no longer there. In their stead, there a group of Men, who knew what they're doing, attacking the dragon and succeed. They watch the group sending light after light toward Smaug before he fell and they gather in front of him before raise their hand and send the red light toward the dragon before he stop twitching.

"See... I told you they could handle them," said Bill casually behind their back. None of the company will they you that they scream like the girl.

What to do with the Smaug.

They know the dragon could wake up anytime soon, so their quickly bind his wings, tail and legs with various bind from diamond, dragon bones, metals cuffs to a simple ropes. All of them have runes craft into them just for holding the dragon. Lastly, the put a muzzle at him and lots of ropes to hope to hold him down. That's how co worker no 3 have been croon at him.

"Can we keep him?"

"I don't know, can we boss?"

"He can speak, it different from other,"

"He also a psychopath,"

"So are we..."

"Please... I promise I take a good care of it, bath it, and take him for walk..."

"He's not a dog! Beside, how the hell we going to drag him out of thisl!?"

"Magic," chorus the rest.

"Beside I think we need the dragon blood to take us back home,"

"Bill!"

"Are sure about this?"

"Positive... I remember that I draw runes using a blood. Now I know it's a dragon blood,"

"If you say so..."

They end up using the shrinking spells on the dragon, it takes couple time before it small enough to put him in aquarium with all the money they got from trolls hoard. With Bill help they manage to reinforce the glass. By the look Smaug give, it's a reasonably cause.

Dragon magic, gold sickness and Thorin really need to stop to ignore Bill

From the top of the stairs, Bill look down at the Treasury room, can't help but growl with irritation. After they remove Smaug from the room, Bill had told Thorin... no he downright forbid Thorin and the rest of the Company to enter the room. He can feel the magic in that room so thick, he can cut it off with knife. Thorin, damn the stubborn dwarves he is ignoring the warning and enter the room, of course the rest of them follow their king. Even Balin the most sensible one of them. He knew about the gold sickness, having accidently hears about it from Lord Elrond and Gandalf conversation. He politely ask (more like demand) them to elaborate it to him. He had seen the sign halfway to Erebor but he thought they know how to fight it. Looks like he was wrong, now they slowly going down into the madness with Thorin and his nephews falling faster than the rest of them. Bill sighs tiredly, he really likes Thorin, and somehow Thorin remind him of Harry during the war. How both of them truly do their best to protect other. Now... now he reminds Bill when Ron suddenly appears in front of his house that time. His eyes full of madness, he and Fluer thought he was an enemy and almost end up attack him. He never told them what happen (he now know), it took a few hours before the madness gone and replace by regret and guilt. Only when he threatening to tell their mother that Ron agrees to stay. A sound of footsteps broke him from his thought. Charlie stands by his side and look down.

"It's getting worse,"

"I know, how the dragon?"

"We're taking turn to re-cast the spell every three hour. Anddd... because they boring, they decide to fix the gate. No 2 distracting Bilbo with information about dragon. I think somehow No 2 manage to capture Smaug interest"

"Did I ever tell you how crazy you guys are?"

"Every time, now how do we deal with them?"

"Cognitive recalibration,"

"Annnddd that's will be?"

"Hits their head as hard as you could,"

"As hard as you could," Charlie look at the dwarves, then back at his brother "Righttt... just so you know, we're out of pain reliever potion,"

"Don't been an idiot Charlie, that's out of question. You know how hard their head is,"

"So?" Bill simply shows him a Sleeping draught potion at Charlie. "You going to spike their food,"

"Nope..." Bill raise his wand and cast a few spell at the vial before it glow briefly and throw down into Treasury room. Both of them could see the vial broke before smokes engulf all the dwarves. They could hear their voice, shouted in alarm and panic before one by one they fall asleep. Bill only chuckle while waving his wand to disperse the smoke.

"You... you really angry aren't you Bill?" Bill only continue to chuckle.

Bill simply orders his brother to take all the dwarves out of the Treasury room to the main gate before going down. He then spends at least two hours checking every corner and crevice to make sure there are no hidden passages before sealed the main door. He then walks toward the gate, by the time he get there, his brother co worker already build the tent outside the gate, he simply nodded to the rest who simply lounging outside the tent and firmly ignore No 2 who somehow trying to teach Smaug the dogs trick and enter the tent. Inside laid thirteen dwarves on the cots with one Mr. Baggins hovering each one of them worriedly. He then assures Mr. Baggins that everything was fine. Yes, he knocks them out, that because they need it. No, there's no permanent damage no matter how much he wish it. Which he should not said it out loud judging the glare he receives. Charlie, knowing same thing will happen to Mr. Baggins if he continue to glare at Bill, quickly steer him out of the tent. Bill nod as a thanks at his brother.

The first ten dwarves are easy to treat. Bill simply slips a small amount of Dreamless and Calming Draught into them and he can see slowly the curse wears off. However, for the Royal lines, it didn't work out. He still can see the trace of madness on their faces. He then grabs another vial and sighs softly. It was one of his muggle friend inventions. It was inspire from one of his favorite tv show. The pearly white liquid inside the vial contain African Dream Root as one of its main ingredient, it use to invoke the prophetic dreams. But mix it with other ingredient, it will create nightmare to those who ingest it. They usually used it on their co worker who fell under the curse of pleasant dream with no way to wake them up. Bill roll the vial in his palm before coming to the decision and put two drop in Fili and Kili mouth and four drop in Thorin mouth before going out of the tent, joining Mr. Baggins who look amaze at No2 training with Smaug.

Bill tried not to panic, he truly is. It's been five hours since he administering the potion, the rest of the company already awake. All of them show no sign of madness, Fili and Kili look worst than wear but that's was expecting. The problem was, Thorin still not awake and by the glaring given by the rest of them, its better been sooner. He quickly stands up and walk toward the tent when a loud scream, a scream of terror coming from the tent. Before he could do anything, Dwalin roughly shove him aside before running toward the tent follow by the rest of the company including Mr. Baggins. Bill look at Charlie before shrugging walk inside the tent. He won't say anything about how deathly pale Thorin is, or how he hug his nephew tightly or how he keep mumbling to the rest of them. What he says was how glad he is to see him truly awake and conscious before get out of the tent once more. He couldn't help but smile seeing the trace of madness completely gone from Thorin face.

The Valar found the loophole

Mahal look down at the Men that try to help his child. He truly wants to help his child through this obstacle but he knows he was forbidden to. So when he saw what Men child to do, he simply grabs the opportunity and shows his child what happened if he keep going down the road he is now. He also adds a bit flair and dramatic effect in it. The result? Let's just say he really please with it.

The meeting of three armies

Balin didn't know what Thorin dream off when he fall asleep but he please when there are no sign of madness in him. He and Dwalin also surprise how easily he offers some gold to Bard for him to rebuild the Dale in exchange for his and his men for help in upcoming war. He only stares in shock and dimly hears the sound of Dwalin war hammer fall on the ground when Thorin offer the same for Thranduil. But there nothing compare to Thranduil face. Oh how he treasure those expression till he die. Better yet, he will ask Ori to draw it.

"Lad, I must ask, what did you see in that dream?" he ask Thorin while they preparing for the war. Thorin pause for moment before shudder.

"My foolishnes..." and he refuse to say more.

The Battle of Five Armies

"Are we going to join them?"

"Well, we have come this far..."

Sigh "Yes, we will join them. All of you can use your magic freely. No Unforgiveable!"

"Okie Dokie,"

"No 2! Where the hell are you going?!"

"Somewhere!"

"No 2 getting the dragon isn't?"

"Ooooo... Smaug darling~~~"

'Intensifying glare'

"Now, now darling... such look doesn't befitting you. Now, I have a proposition to you,"

'Look at No 2 with interest'

"Good, I will let you out and return you to quarter... ah... ah... only quarter of your size only of you help us in this war,"

'Glaring before huffing agree'

'I know you can talk, come on how long are you going to sulk, I'm kind enough to let you out, you should thank me instead,"

'Fine, I agree mortal. Now let me out of here!'

"Laughing maniacally,"

"Charlie! I need a saddle!"

"What for? We don't have a horse,"

"Not horse saddle, dragon saddle,"

"Where's yours?"

"Misplace... . ehehhehe,"

"Smaug agree then?"

"Well I may or may not omit the part where we will riding him,"

"Wait, wait! Are you going to ride Smaug? The dragon? Chieftain of Calamity and whats not?"

"Yeah, you guys got to ride the eagles, so we got the right to ride the dragon..."

"IT'S TWO DIFFERENT THING!""

Aftermath of the Battle

The moment Thorin Oakenshield behead Azog the Defiler, Dwarves, Elves and Mens know they have won the war. They fight with more enthusiasm, killing any orc or goblin that tries to run away. The casualties of the war on their side are much lower than anyone anticipating. There will be song, about the courage and valor of their fallen comrade. Also lots, lots of alcohol deliver from Lake Town, Greenwood and Erebor for all who participate in the war. Who gladly drink themselves to forget what happen, what TRULY happen in the war. Accept for a young scribe who soon will become the Royal Scribe, Ori. He firmly ignores all the merry around him, concentration on his parchment writing the event that happen before. Even what truly happen. He write about a group of questionable sanity Men with magic, stone giants that appear out of nowhere whom happily stomp their enemy, plants that devours the enemy, a burst of light the rendered the enemy, random explosions, or the dwarf statues that suddenly move and swinging its axe toward enemy shouting in Khuzdul and Smaug, quarter in his size flying in the sky occasionally breath his fire towards enemy and follow by laugh by those who ride on him.

At the sound of something been drag broke Ori from his writing. He suddenly realize the camp became quiet, he look up and saw Smaug back to his smaller size, was piggy back ride No 2 with his tail on the ground swishing lazily. No 2 was scratching Smaug chin while walking toward Charlie.

"Charlie..."

"What...?"

"Call me Khaleesi,"

"Fuck no,"

Hmm... Let not forget, a Men/Women with ability to tame the dragon, mused Ori.

Click your heels three times to go home

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Smack! Smack!

"Ouch! What the hell… William! I'm not your bleeding brother!"

"Somehow I feel like it with you idiocy. Remember the spell correctly and no clicking! I'm going to break you leg if you did that!"

"Wow... someone grumpy,"

"Aren't you happy darling~~~ we're going home! Oh there are a lots and lots of thing I'm going to introduce to you~~~"

'Don't forget the female dragon you promise to me'

"Of course not"

"Bye everyone! By Billbo!"

"Good bye... and be safe!"

"Ready?"

"YES!"

"Good lets go home,"

Home sweet Home

"That will be the first and the last time I'm going out to drink with you and your friend Charlie,"

"Hahhaha... well they're not that BAD,"

*snort* "Yeah right... what happen with Smaug?"

"He's in happy place right now,"

"If anything happen, I will blame all of you,"

"Okay... so about drinking night..."

"No Charlie, I'm not joining you next week,"

"Biiilllll..."

"No and that's final,"

"Bah... so with who are you going to?"

"Don't know yet,"

Bill should know better, Harry and Ron are far crazier than Charlie and his co-worker

"Urghhh... my head, where am I?"

"Umm, you're in Tatooine sir,"

"Wha...?"

"Are you a Jedi sir?"

"Goddamit..."

What happen with Thorin, Fili and Kili

Well... they survive the war, free from the gold madness and completely traumatize. They still refuse to tell the other what they see in their dream. When the Arkenstone was found, three of them complete agree to throw it into the Mount Doom. Only with Daín, Dís and Balin advice (read threatening them) them they agree to lock in the strongest box they can build and keep it buried deep in the treasury room. They also refuse to enter the room. Permanently. Of course then Thorin become the King of Erebor. There's one accident where Thorin and his nephews lock Balin, Oin and Ori into the dungeon when the three of them suggest campaign to retake the Moria. But that's will be in the future.

And the rest of the Dwarves...

They live happily ever after; accept for Balin, Oin and Ori who get thrown into the dungeon for a while. Dori and Nori still pissed and plot to hit both Fili and Kili (they thought those two have something in this mess) Dwalin and Bofur laughing themselves silly and the rest only shake their head.

For the Elves of Mirkwood

Thranduil rather forget those Mens even exist, Legolas and Tauriel silently making arrangement with Ori to get the full transcript of what truly happen in the throne room. If somehow, those transcript end up in Rivendell in the hand of the twin or Haldir in Lothorien, it wasn't them.

For one Mr. Baggins, the Hobbit of Shire

Bilbo did return back to Bag End after the war. He probably set out for another adventure after a legendary dressing down of Lobelia Sackville-Baggins that left the woman in tears, if not the premature death of his cousin, Drogo and Primula and willingly adopt baby Frodo. He also had a pleasure watching Thorin to faint after seeing Frodo. In Thorin defend, not many know about the hobbit and the truth of what truly happen in Lake Town (although Charlie assure them more than once that nothing happen, which became useless with no 4 keep giggling, blushing and nose bleeding every time she heard Charlie word) Of course that also means Fili and Kili having blackmail for their mother. What those three doing in Bag End? (Dwalin not include, he will go wherever Thorin go outside the mountain) Apparently Dís and Balin think they have become too overbearing and quickly kick them out of the mountain. And all ends well...

That's what they think

But that will be another story altogether.

Of course there will be a wizard or a witch and the dragon. Don't forget the dragon.

The End

A/N : Regarding Charlie co-worker, well... I... uhmpp.. yeah, co-worker No1 , No2, No3 and No4. Generic name (laugh nervously) Anyway...

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