Vehicular Manslaughter

A Mass Effect fanfiction by Andrew J. Talon, Jomasten and TheSandman

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. The Mass Effect series is the property of Bioware and EA Games. Please support the official release.

"Shepard."

"Wrex."

With the standard pleasantries dealt with, the Krogan battlemaster gestured towards the... contraption Shepard was leaning on.

"Is this what you were so excited to show me? Two wheels in a line, primitive internal combustion engine, no eezo core... I think I could break this by sitting on it."

Shepard frowned at Wrex's blunt assessment of her new toy.

"It's called a motorcycle, Wrex. Found it years ago, while I was still just a brat roaming the undercity in Mumbai. Never had the chance to get it fixed up until recently though; I may not be thrilled about working for Cerberus, but I have to admit they've got somebody on payroll who knows how to find the oddest things. Finally got the last part I needed a few days ago, and got it installed and adjusted just this morning."

"I'm glad you're finding ways to amuse yourself between missions, Shepard, but I'm still not sure why you're showing this to me." When Shepard responded to this by producing a helmet, Wrex took an involuntary step backward before catching himself.

Well, at least it looks like it can only seat one, Wrex thought. And it's fairly light, I doubt she can do too much damage to it. Better clear the area of bystanders just to be safe, though.

After clearing his throat, he said, perhaps a bit more quickly than was normal for him, "Looks like you've got plans for the afternoon, so I suppose I'll be leaving now. Thanks for showing me the... 'motorcycle', you called it? and it was good to see you aga-"

He was interrupted by the sound of something hitting his gauntlets. Glancing down, Wrex saw what appeared to be a second helmet, this one sized for a Krogan instead of a human. When he looked back up to find that Shepard had apparently located a two-wheeled cart somewhere and was efficiently tightening it onto the right side of what he could no longer see as anything but a harbinger of doom, Wrex finally understood why Garrus and Tali had both made excuses to be as far from the Normandy as possible while it was on Tuchanka.

Of course, he would have been even less pleased with his old comrades-in-arms if he'd known that they had stopped to plant hidden cameras all over Shepard's likely route first.

Wrex had suspected humans were simply foolish. Sure, they could fight well but they often went the path of weak asari or overly turians or annoying salarians. Shepard was indeed an exception but he still harbored doubts about her mettle in the privacy of his mind.

Oh, how he longed for those times of blissful ignorance. When he wasn't faced with death every waking second on an unstable vehicle practically flying down the roads of the spaceport city underneath aircar traffic at speeds that easily matched those of the vehicles above.

With a human pilot who would not look where she was going!

"SHEPARD! THAT IS A TRUCK!" Wrex bellowed over the roar of the engine as the "motorcycle" careened wildly down the street towards a landed air truck.

"What?! I can't hear you! It's too loud!" Shepard yelled back, her eyes not ahead and therefore not on the truck. "Ooh, a new Blasto movie!"

"SHEPARD! TRUCK!" Wrex yelled. Shepard glanced forward and with nothing more than an annoyed expression on her face, took the bike onto the sidewalk and slipped around the panicking crew of the truck. One man actually dove through a window to escape the careening vehicle.

Wrex felt his hearts pounding harder as he looked back. He could swear they scraped some paint from the side of the vehicle. He looked forward. His eyes widened.

"Jeez, so many parked trucks around this city," Shepard grumbled. "It's turning into a bloody nuisance..."

"SHEPARD! BUILDING!" Wrex shouted.

"WHAT?!" Shepard yelled. "OH!" She once again managed to save them from a fiery end, hopping the bike onto the sidewalk and riding down it at high speed before swerving back onto the street and scattering pedestrians.

She's gone deaf from this ridiculous machine! Wrex thought furiously. Stupid human ears! Weak human ears! Ridiculous lack of-

The bike ran over a grav lift, designed to give cars a bit of a 'leg up' when ascending. Being designed for several ton air cars, it gave the motorcycle a bit more of a boost.

"GREAT TUCHANKA!" Wrex bellowed as the bike sailed through the air.

"WOOOHOOOOO!" Shepard cheered. They touched down in a park, scattering grass and soil as the human woman brought the vehicle around in a circular pattern. Younglings of all races ran screaming as the motorcycle engine came to a stop.

Shepard looked down and huffed. "Damnit... Something's wrong with it. Maybe I broke something on the landing." She looked up. "Hey Wrex, I... Wrex?"

Wrex, mighty Krogan battlemaster, unafraid of the Reapers themselves, cowered like a youngling behind a particularly large tree.

For he now understood how such a weak, squishy species as humanity could achieve such heights and charge headlong into battle when you least expected it:

They were all completely insane.

Urdnot Wrex, for all his power and capability and utmost quad to lead all of the krogan as a unified front, woke up screaming from the coarse rough ground he had been sleeping on. He frantically looked around, eyes wild as he scanned his surroundings.

Upon seeing the destroyed world of Tuchanka, his planet, he gave an audible sigh of relief.

"Not on some city...Not driving around with Shepard in that crazy two-wheeled metal death-trap of theirs." He shuddered, "Not crashing into anymore trucks or buildings..." He closed his eyes, and was as close to being in peaceful, zen-like state as a krogan could, reaching deep into himself as he thanked all the great Battlemasters and his ancestors that it had all been a nightma-

"Hey, you finally up, Wrex?"

His thoughts, and his zen, screeched and died a horrible death, worse than any Reaper could hope to accomplish, as he turned towards the source the call.

And, beside it, the mount of great two-wheeled evil.

Shepard grinned as they tossed the helmet at Wrex, the headwear bouncing off the krogan's head, "I was worried you died on me for a second there. Didn't even know that krogans could get motionsick."

Shepard tugged on Wrex by the arm, pulling him towards the motorcycle, "Come on, let's get back to your place before they send out a search party to look for us."

Wrex did not struggle, and only wordlessly got on the cart.

"And this mountain is weird." Shepard remarked, gesturing towards the strange, pattern-like ridges they were standing on.

If Wrex had been paying attention, he would have objected.

He instead settled for screaming shrilly once again as the motorcycle roared to life.

Shepard revved the engine up once, the vehicle roaring like a great beast of war.

Then they sped off.

Wrex had one last moment of clarity and rational thought as they cleared a ridge and they were suddenly airborne.

Humans ARE INSANE!

Kalros noted that the thing on her back was roaring again, but gave it no mind as it sped across the length of her body.

For all the legends of her power, ferocity, and sheer size, Kalros was called the Mother of All Threshermaws. A mother, as in, a female.

That was why she was not bothered when the thing was bumping and skidding across her back.

Best damn back massage in her life, she would say. Giving birth to all those brats, and this was the most spoiling she's ever got.

Just a bit of fun.