"So, let's hear it. What's the verdict on this whole high school thing?"

Piper and Alex exchange a look.

"It's okay," Alex says dispassionately, at the same time Piper declares, "Too soon to tell."

"Yeah." Alex smirks. "Ask her in a few weeks, after she's attended the first meeting of the fifty fucking clubs she signed up for."

Piper shoves her. "It's not fifty."

"Ignore her," Diane says with a grin. It's Friday night, the end of their first week in ninth grade, and the girls are sitting across from her in a booth at Friendly's. "What clubs are you doing, Pipe?"

"Um, Ambassador's Club...they do volunteer projects once a month. Student government. Spanish Club - "

"You speak no Spanish," Alex cuts in.

"Yeah, but I'm taking Spanish, and you get extra credit for being in the club."

Diane arches an eyebrow at Alex. "Should you be doing that?"

"No, thanks. It doesn't feel like extra credit when you're basically going to an extra class every week."

Diane rolls her eyes but doesn't push it. "You still doing tennis, Pipe? Even with all that?"

"Yeah, practices aren't until four every day. Most of the clubs don't last more than an hour."

Alex makes a face. "Basically she isn't going to have time for anything."

"Oh, shut up, it doesn't even affect the weekends at all."

"Still."

Piper makes a mocking face at Alex. Alex mocks it back, then steals one of Piper's fries.

It's true that Piper seems busier, that she and Alex don't hang out much during the week anymore; the window between Piper's after school activities and curfew is fairly small. Diane can tell it annoys Alex on occasion, and leaves her somewhat restless and bored.

But Diane can tell Alex is happier, in a general sense; as though a weight has been lifted.

Still, every once in awhile, Diane still feels breathless with how hard she wishes she could take back the last several years, redo every single day Alex felt she had to hide.

Late one Friday in October, Diane gets home to find the apartment smelling like smoke and two fewer beers than she remembers in the fridge, but Alex is stretched out on the couch watching a movie and drinking soda, the picture of rule following innocence.

"Hey, baby. Whatcha watching?"

"Mermaids."

Diane tilts her head at the screen. "Is that Cher?"

"Yeah."

She grabs one of the few beers left and joins Alex on the couch, watching the movie for a few minutes before casually nudging her shoulder against Alex's. "Hey...I saw Pipe tonight."

Alex's face folds in confusion for a second, but then she seems to understand. "Oh, at the restaurant."

"Yeah..." Diane watches Alex's carefully neutral expression. "Said she'd been at the football game."

Her eyes harden a few degrees as Alex asks, "Was she with Cody?"

"Not sure, she was with a whole group of kids."

Alex's lips purse in this pouty little frown. She looks like she can't decide if that's better or worse.

"She said she invited you."

"She did."

Diane glances at the mess on the coffee table: Dorito bags, empty Blockbuster VHS boxes, and a few rogue bits of cigarette ash. "You should have gone."

"I hate football. And anyway, it was kind of a date."

"Looked like more a group thing."

Alex scowls. "I'm not friends with her other friends. And anyway, I'm spending the night at her house tomorrow."

Diane takes the hint, dropping the subject.

A few minutes crawl by before Alex adds tentatively, "Was Pipes having fun?"

"Didn't look like it, actually," Diane answers casually. "She looked fucking miserable, to tell you the truth." And it is the truth, save for the few minutes before she noticed Diane at the restaurant.

"Not surprised." Alex sounds cheered by the news. "They're all honors class kids. Boring as fuck."

"Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, kiddo." Diane elbows her. "But you're in honors classes."

Alex rolls her eyes, like that's a technicality. "Barely."

"Several honors classes," Diane counters smugly. She finishes off her beer and adds the bottle to coffee table mess. "Listen, babe, I'm beat. You wanna finish the movie tomorrow or do I get to steal your bed?"

"I'll sleep out here," she answers, habitually turning the volume down a few notches.

"Okay." She kisses the top of Alex's head. "Night, Al."

"G'night."

Diane pauses in the door to the bedroom, suddenly shot through with a wistful sort of longing. She remembers when Alex was small enough to just scoot aside in the tiny twin bed, inviting Diane to sleep th ere as if she were the one doing her mom a huge favor.

Early in Alex's sophomore year, Diane walks in on her stretched out on the couch, making out with a girl Diane's never seen before.

The sight of her daughter like that - shirt off, hands wound through the girl's hair, looking like she knows exactly what she'd doing - shocks Diane into stillness for a moment. But then they both look up, realizing she's there, and Alex's guest leaps off the couch like she's been shocked.

The girl's a tough looking thing, with black Kohl eyes and a shock of white blonde hair, but right now she looks petrified at being caught. Before Diane can say anything, the girl stammers out, "Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I gotta go, shit, shit, shit..."

Then she's bolting past Diane and slamming the door.

Alex is already wrestling her shirt back on, looking unbothered by the interruption.

"She seemed nice," Diane says dryly, careful to not seem thrown off. She arches an eyebrow, "You know this basically my bed, right?"

Alex smirks. "Sorry."

"What kind of teenager wants to make out on a couch when she's got a bed twenty feet away?"

"You may have noticed that Kate spooks easy." Alex rolls her eyes. "I'm already gonna have to convince her my mom has no intention of telling the whole school that she was experimenting." She punctuates the last word with an eyeroll and air quotes.

Diane frowns. "That's kind of a bummer, babe.

"Believe me, it's not. I wouldn't exactly advertise this either." Alex smirks. "For different reasons." Off Diane's look, she clarifies, "She's not that great."

Diane lets out a half laugh, half sigh, playfully shoving the side of Alex's head. "I got a couple hours. Wanna grab a bite?"

"Sure, where?"

"Anywhere but Friendly's, I'll be happy. Just lemme change."

The phone rings, and Alex gets up to get it. "If that's Piper, can I invite her?"

"Of course."

Alex picks up the phone, saying hello like she already knows Piper will be on the other end.

Diane takes off work early a few months later, on Alex's sixteenth birthday, and finds her and Piper waiting in the apartment, twin smiles on their faces.

"Happy birthday, baby," She hugs Alex and kisses her forehead, winking at Piper while she does. "Good day?"

Alex just nods, but Piper plucks something out of her hand and holds it out for Diane's inspection, beaming like it's hers. "Look."

Diane takes the new driver's license and grins. "Hey, there ya go!" She'd barely had a chance to let Alex drive with her on the car while she had her learner's permit, but Diane suspects she's been illegally practicing in the new car Piper's parents gave her even before her birthday rolled around.

She smiles at Alex. "We can work out something with the car...maybe you can come get it sometimes when I'm on long shifts."

"Yeah, sure, whatever works."

"You two ready to go?" They nod and stand up from the couch.

They go to a Mexican restaurant, a good one, where the wait staff put a sombrero on Alex while they sing Happy Birthday in Spanish, the song punctuated by a spoonful of whip cream from a free dessert smeared on her face. Diane and Piper howl with laughter as Alex suffers through it, and Piper takes photos on a disposable Kodak camera.

When they've thoroughly attacked the deep fried ice cream with three spoons, Diane reaches under her chair and pulls out a small stack of wrapped presents. "Here ya go, babe."

Alex gives her a big-eyed look. "Mom...I told you the dinner was enough. I know this place isn't cheap."

"It's your sixteenth birthday, Al, don't argue with me about gifts."

So Alex grins and grins as she opens a new tape deck, new headphones, and a decent sized supply of batteries. She comes around the booth to hug Diane , and she won't stop saying thank you.

"My turn?" Piper says, her eyes dancing with eagerness.

"Hell yeah." Alex holds out a hand, mock greedy. "Give it."

Piper puts an envelope in Alex's outstretched palm.

"If this is just a homemade card, Pipes, we're gonna have an issue."

Piper rolls her eyes, still smiling in gleeful anticipation as Alex rips open the envelope.

Alex's smile fades into shock as she shakes two tickets into her hand. "Pipes, what the hell...?"

Before Diane has to ask, Piper grins at her and explains, "For The Cure, next month."

"Whoa, that's amazing," Diane smiles back in approval. "You know, I went to my first concert when I was sixteen. And my second...and third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh...you get the idea."

Piper laughs, but Alex is still staring down at the tickets, her face screwed up in a hard to read expression. "Piper. I made you a tape for your birthday."

Piper frowns in confusion, like she doesn't see what that has to do with anything. "Actually, you made me five tapes. Specifically for driving." Worry starts to slowly seep into her expression. "What's wrong? You don't wanna go?"

Alex shakes her head, not like she's answering the question, more like she's rejecting this whole thing. "This can't be your present for me. That's not fair."

Piper's face twists in confusion and disappointment. "Not fair? What? I don't get it."

"Alex..." Diane murmurs in a low voice.

But Alex is putting the tickets back in the envelope and sliding it in Piper's direction. "You should take Jesse or something..."

"Who's Jesse?" Diane asks, as much to stall the argument's momentum as anything else.

"Her boyfriend," Alex says tightly. For just a second, she meets her mother's eyes, and understanding passes between them. That look feels like the closest Alex has come to admitting something.

"I'm not going with Jesse to a Cure concert," Piper says, sounding appalled at the prospect. "I want to go with you." Her voice catches. "Why are you being so mean?"

"I'm not being mean," Alex bites out, her face boarded up with embarrassment and irritation.

"Alex," Diane cuts her off, sharper this time, pressing her foot over Alex's under the table to punctuate the word. "You are being kind of rude, babe. Pipe got you a birthday gift she knew you'd love. This is usually the part where you say thank you."

Alex gives her a look, seeming to think her mom should understand her point. Diane lifts her eyebrows, attempting to silently conveying that she gets it, but that doesn't mean that Alex is right.

Piper seems small, all of a sudden, hunched in the very corner of the booth, looking angry and hurt and most of all disappointed. Diane nods at her, and when Alex looks, she seems to soften immediately.

"Sorry," she mumbles, contrite. "They're really great, Pipes. I mean it, I just...I feel bad I couldn't get you something better."

"I liked the tapes," Piper clenches out.

"Good. But...you know what I mean, though." Alex's face is red; it makes Diane's chest tighten.

Slowly, Piper looks over at Alex. Her expression relaxes a little. "You know one of those is mine. That I bought for myself."

"I know." Alex smiles at her, finally, then smiles down at the tickets. "This will be pretty fucking awesome."

Piper's own smile creeps back into place. "Right?!"

Diane exhales in relief, glad the tension dissipated fairly quickly. But by the next week, Alex has a job bagging groceries, and when she tells Diane about it she also mutters something about needing to get Piper a real gift for next Christmas.

The girls go to their concert, and they come back with matching tour shirts that Alex paid for, high on the concert adrenaline Diane remembers so well.

But things are changing with Piper and Alex, if only in the number of hours they log together. Diane's almost more likely to see Piper at Friendly's with a crowd of her unfamiliar friends than she is to see her at the apartment. Even Alex is less present and accessible; Diane beats her home some nights, even on her latest shifts.

Her mom and stepdad had given a strict curfew, and Diane had still snuck out of the house whenever she wanted. She knows she's not home enough to constantly track Alex's whereabouts, and that there's little point in assigning a curfew she's not even home to enforce. She does, however, give Alex a talk about not getting in a car with anyone drunk, thinking of her father the whole time.

She's glad Alex has other friends to make plans with, other girls to kiss, but Diane's still inordinately pleased every time she comes home to find Piper's car parked outside the apartment.

Then...something happens.

Diane's not sure when, exactly; Alex doesn't tell her. A few weekends pass in a row without Diane seeing Piper; Alex just says she's busy, but the weekends stack up and her suspicions rise. Confirming them is Alex herself: she's quiet and on edge, tightly wound. Diane can't shake an almost anxious feeling when she's around her daughter.

One Friday night she sees Piper's usual crowd at their table in Friendly's after the home football game, but Piper's not among them. She's already worried, and this seems to coincidental to not be deliberate.

She goes home and bluntly asks Alex, "Something going on with you and Piper?"

Her face tenses. Or, rather, tenses even more; Alex has been tense for weeks. "Why?"

"Haven't seen her in awhile. Or heard you mention her. And, honestly, babe, you've kinda looked like you lost your best friend, lately, so...I thought I'd check if you had."

Alex's face tightens, and she tilts her head back on the couch, focusing her too bright eyes on the ceiling. Finally, painstakingly, she admits, "We're just...not really friends anymore."

Her voice is so raw it's practically bleeding. Diane's throat narrows, and she comes to sit down beside Alex. "Babe...what are you talking about, what happened?"

"Nothing."

"Al, less than a month ago you two fell asleep on the carpet trying to beat each other at some stupid fucking card game." Alex physically flinches, and Diane gentles her voice. "Something happened."

"We had a fight." Alex isn't looking at her. "It was stupid. I thought we'd just...make up, like usual, but we didn't. Because Piper just...doesn't want to be friends anymore."

"Did she say that?" Diane asks skeptically.

Alex closes her eyes. Almost desperately sad, she whispers, "Kind of."

"Baby..." Diane starts to wrap an arm around Alex, but she stiffens and leans away. It's a habit Diane wishes she could break her of, the way Alex shies away from affection the second it turns sympathetic or comforting.

"I bet you two work it out," Diane says confidently. "You've been friends way too long to let one fight get in the way."

Letting out a groan, Alex doesn't even bother refuting that. Diane can tell she doesn't believe her.

She has to tamp down the urge to push more, ask about the fight, sure if she just knows the details she can assure Alex that things can be fixed. But she can see Alex shutting down, shrinking in on herself. So Diane just moves a little closer to her daughter on the couch and stays there, not saying anything. It takes about five minutes, but finally Alex leans into her, resting her head on her mom's shoulder.

She cuts her eyes sideways, and the achingly lost expression on Alex's face cuts Diane to the quick.

She's known, of course, that the two of them have spent less time together, but their dynamic when they were together hadn't seemed to change. Diane's suddenly unshakably sad, thinking of what this loss must feel like. For both of them.

But she can't quite believe it's a real ending.

For so long, it's been almost impossible for Diane to picture Alex without Piper.

Now, though, she knows what that looks like.

Her daughter has come untethered.

A perpetually panicked, restless expression has taken root in Alex's eyes, as though she's never where she's supposed to be at any given moment.

Diane starts waking her up for school most mornings, often spotting the tell tale signs of a hangover after late nights. Every once in awhile, Alex won't make it home at all, and all she'll say is that she stayed with friends. Messages appear and then disappear on their recently acquired answering machine, alerting Diane to various skipped classes.

Sometimes Diane thinks about what other parents would do. But there's no car to take away. She can't enforce grounding. Diane's never known how to punish.

And anyway, she's not angry. It's all worry, almost all the time.

It's with her all day, while she waits tables or works a cash register or cleans motel rooms. The hours she's not home start to stack up and overwhelm her more than they ever have. If Alex isn't home when she stops by the apartment between shifts, it throws Diane off for the rest of the night, distracted as she obsesses over how rarely she knows precisely where her daughter is.

It's hard to sleep, now, until she hears Alex come home, sneaking past her into the bedroom. On the nights she doesn't come home, Diane usually ends up calling the grocery store the next day, making sure Alex shows up for shifts.

She misses getting home to find Alex and Piper vegged out on the couch, or sprawled out on the floor in front of the record player, or already asleep in the bedroom. She misses coming home and finding the apartment empty and being able to safely assume Alex is just at the Chapman's.

She misses Alex's old smile.

When she has a rare night off, or even just a few more free hours than usual, Diane tells Alex about them days in advance, making sure she keeps it free.

On one of those nights, she orders a pizza and sends Alex to rent videos. When they finish the first movie, Alex goes for another, but Diane puts a hand on her arm.

"Babe..."

Alex looks over, dread already flashing in her eyes.

"Everything okay with you?" Off Alex's blank expression, Diane sighs and adds, "You been worrying me a little, kiddo."

Instantly, Alex pulls a combative face. "Why?"

"I feel like I can't...reach you, lately." Alex tenses, looking away, and Diane reaches out, circling her palm between Alex's shoulder blades. "You're not home half the time and...fuck, Al, I don't even know if you're going to school."

"I'm going. God. I go enough to graduate. Isn't that all that matters? It's not like I need a good GPA for college applications."

Diane can't think of what to say to that; her eyes skirt instinctively away, not wanting Alex to see the helplessness swelling there.

Alex softens anyway. "I'm just sixteen, Mom. When you were sixteen, weren't you, like...roaming the country on rowdy rock tours?"

"Yeah, but I've never said anything wanting you to follow in my footsteps, Al."

She tries for a smirk. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna get pregnant."

"I'm aware of that, smartass." Diane bumps their shoulders together, then turns serious again, choosing her words carefully. "You know, you're right...I drank and smoked and I went a little wild when I was your age, and even younger. But, baby...I wasn't doing any of that just to distract myself from something being wrong."

Alex's eyes flare. She draws away from Diane's touch, narrowing her eyes. "Why are you so sure something's wrong?" Her voice catches. "How would you even know, Mom?"

"Alex - "

"No, seriously, you're saying I'm not home half the time? You're the one that's barely ever here. The only thing that's changed is that now I have friends with cars, and I have a job, so I don't have to just sit here, by myself, all fucking day."

The words, the genuine venom there, wallop Diane, but she recognizes the defenses for what they are. Alex is right, painfully so, but Diane knows that she's right, too: her daughter isn't happy.

"I'm sorry, Al," Diane keeps her voice quiet so it won't shake. "And I don't blame you for that - "

Alex ignores her, voice shaking with her anger. "You're just waiting for me to be upset because of Piper. But you're the one who misses her, Mom. When I was with her all the time, it let you off the hook. So, I don't know, take it up with Pipes if you have a problem." She jerks abruptly to her feet. "You know what, I've got plans."

"Alex, you don't get to walk out in the middle of a fight - "

"It's not a fight," she snaps, practically yelling, heading for the door. "And you have to leave again in an hour, anyway, so what the fuck does it matter?"

Diane doesn't sleep that night, and Alex doesn't come home.

The next day is long, and Alex isn't waiting for her at the end of it. There's just an unerased message saying she wasn't at school.

Diane tells herself that's normal, that Alex is angry and allowed to take a day to cool off. But Diane waits up on the couch, and Alex never sneaks in.

The next day brings another message from the school, and the apartment is empty and silent again when she stops in between shifts.

On the third day, she calls the grocery store when she knows Alex is supposed to be there working, and they tell her she hasn't shown up since the previous week.

Diane stands there, in the back kitchen of Friendly's, brimming over with panic. She keeps thinking about packing up her car in the middle of the night and driving away without a word to her mom or sister, the way she didn't even call for a week.

Then she thinks of her dad driving a car off the road, drunk or high or whatever the hell he was, and Diane wishes she could go back to just imagining a runaway.

She tells the manager she's sick and goes home to the apartment, hands shaking as she pours over Alex's room, looking for evidence that she's at least stopped by in the past few days.

When she finds nothing, Diane sits down on Alex's bed, her breathing too fast and too heavy, paralyzed by the realization that she has no idea where to look next.

Then she gets the phone and calls Piper.

She sits by the phone for two hours before Piper calls back. Diane snatches it up before the first ring finishes, no weight behind her voice. "Hello?"

"Diane?" Piper's voice is wet and trembling, and pure terror overwhelms her for the few seconds it takes Piper to continue. "I found Alex, she's okay, but...she wouldn't come with me, and..." She hears Piper draw in a crooked gasp of a breath before continuing, "I really think you should go get her."

Diane has dozens of questions, but urgency shoots through her and pushes out the only one that matters right now. "Where?"

She drives to the address Piper gives her, a small shack of a house with an overgrown lawn and ancient cars filling the dirt driveway and a good stretch of the curb.

The pervasive smell of weed in the house throws Diane back in time, and she squints through hazy darkness into a living room of furniture that makes theirs look high end. There's a kid draped over every available surface, but Diane instantly zeroes in on Alex, sitting on the floor, leaning against an arm of the couch.

Even though she'd known she'd be here, Diane heart twists in response anyway, equal parts relief and fear.

Alex's eyes finds her and widen, her lips parting but not managing sound. Diane jerks her head in the direction of the door, ready to stomp over and drag Alex out, but Alex gets to her feet immediately and walks over, muttering goodbyes to no one in particular, her movements too loose and unsteady.

Diane grabs onto her arm as soon as Alex is within reach. There's a chorus of ooh's and laughter from the few people lucid enough to figure out what's going on, but Diane pulls Alex firmly out of the house without giving her a chance to look back.

"You scared the shit out of me," Diane hisses at her, torn in two between the desire to hug and shake her daughter. "Jesus Christ, Al..."

"I told Piper I'd call - "

"And yet she beat you to it."

"This is bad, isn't it?" The pitch of Alex's voice is climbing, words tripping over each other, not sounding at all like Alex. "This is bad, and I said really bad stuff, and you probably really hate me now, right? Mom? Do you?"

Diane takes Alex's chin gently in her hand, scrutinizing her face, all blown pupils and flickering paranoia. Whatever trip she's on has become a bad one, so Diane swallows hard against the tears and tirades trying to rise up her throat, and leads Alex to the car.

"I don't hate you, babe," she says in a quiet, tight voice. "Everything's okay..."

When they get home, Alex launches into a rushed, barely cohesive litany of apologies, and Diane just smoothes her hair back and tells her to sleep it off.

Alex emerges from the bedroom late the next morning and frowns over at Diane, sitting on the couch, waiting.

"Why didn't you go to work?"

Diane huffs out a humorless laugh. "Honestly, right now, I don't like the idea of letting you out of my sight."

At that, Alex winces, rubbing her face tiredly. "I gotta go to school."

"You haven't seemed to worried about that for awhile, babe." Diane nods to the space beside her on the couch. "Come sit." Dread embeds itself in Alex's features, but she seems to realize she's in no position to argue.

She sits down and leans her head against the back of the couch, looking up at her mom.

"So..." Diane tucks a strand of Alex's hair behind her ear. "Talk to me." Alex opens her mouth, and Diane quickly adds, "And don't give me this shit about nothing being wrong. Tell me what's going on with you."

She keeps her eyes on Alex's face, watching the tears well up, glittering on her eyelashes but not falling. "I don't know." It comes out in a single breath.

Diane waits patiently, but when Alex stays silent, she prompts tentatively, "Is it Piper?"

Alex's eyes squeeze shut, and she presses her thumb and forefinger to the closed lids. "Maybe." Her voice is shaking.

"Baby..." Diane returns soothing, gentle fingers to Alex's hair, and for once she doesn't flinch away. "What happened with you two?"

Alex just shakes her head, her lips twisting, throat working furiously with the effort of not crying.

"Well," Diane says finally. "I know one thing...Pipe was really worried about you. I could hear it in her voice. And...she still knew how to find you." Alex looks away. "That's why I called her, babe. I needed someone who'd be as scared for you as I was."

Alex sucks in a staggered breath. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

"And for all that stuff I said." Her face pinches. "I shouldn't have."

"Alex, you're allowed to get mad at me," Diane tells her gently.

"You don't get mad at me."

"Oh, believe me, babe. I'm fucking furious at you." She puts an arm around Alex and kisses her temple, softening the words. "You just can't tell because I'm more worried."

"I'd rather you were mad than worried."

"What were you on last night?"

"LSD."

Diane groans.

"I'd only tried it a few times - "

"And how long has it been since you went to school?"

"I..." Diane can see it, the moment Alex decides against lying. "A few weeks."

"Jesus, Al..."

A few of Alex's defenses shoot back into place. "Sometimes...I don't get the point, Mom."

"Alex, listen to me. Think about your job right now." She pauses. "Or, rather, your former job, because I'm pretty sure you're fired for not showing up." Alex makes a face, but Diane presses forward, "You're sixteen, you're in high school, and you're doing about the same sort of thing I am." Her voice catches the slightest bit. "I wish I could send you to college, Al. But you graduating high school isn't nothing, okay? I never did that. And I want you to have it."

Alex holds her eyes. "Okay. I know." Then, hesitant, she starts, "It's just..." Too soon, she clams up again.

"What?"

It takes her awhile to say it. "Piper's there."

She wonders if Alex knows the way she says Piper's name. Like it hurts.

"I don't know what happened between you two," Diane says gently. "But if it's making you this miserable...my advice is to fix it."

Alex's face tenses. "I don't think she wants to."

Diane's quiet for awhile. "You know...when she called to tell me where you were, I think she was crying. Which, by the way, scared the hell out of me, for a second." Apologies swarm across Alex's face, again, but Diane continues, "She said you wouldn't go with her."

Alex scrubs her hands over her face, slumping low in the couch.

Diane lightens her tone, letting Alex off the hook. "Anyway, I bet she misses you. But for now..." Alex glances up at her. "You and I are gonna play hooky for the day. Been way too long since I saw you for more than two hours at a time, okay?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa..." Later that night, Diane reaches out and grabs the hem of Alex's tank top as she walks by the couch; she stands at the same time, peering at the unfamiliar tattoo on Alex's shoulder blade. "When did this happen?"

"Last month," Alex says, the slightest guilt tinging her voice. "I had money saved for Piper's Christmas present, then I just...paid for this instead." She cranes her neck, trying to see Diane's face. "You like it?"

"Looks good. Badass," Diane murmurs, ignoring her own pangs of guilt and irrational, unfair hurt.

It's a salt shaker, and Diane knows immediately why.

There's an obscure, B Side track on the first Death Maiden album, the one before they hit it big with Dirty Girl. It's the only song Lee wrote on that one, and there's a line in the refrain: I'm throwin' salt over my shoulder, thrown' luck into the shadows.

It's always been one of Alex's favorite of his songs. And now there's a reference, permanently etched on her skin.

Diane switches for a few graveyard shifts, getting off Wal Mart at six am, to free up a few evenings so she can be home with Alex, and Alex doesn't complain when she checks and double checks that she's sleeping in the apartment.

But she doesn't mention Piper again.

Diane's home on a Saturday night, about a week after she'd dragged Alex out of that drug den of a house. They're watching a movie, but she'd worked all night on Friday, and gone straight to another shift during the day, so she starts to crash early. Still awake and engrossed in the TV, Alex tells her to take the bedroom.

Diane wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of the door closing.

She stiffens immediately, dread heavy in her gut as she assumes Alex is leaving, sneaking out. Diane's out of bed, halfway to the door, when she hears voices.

"Asleep in my room," Alex is saying. "Sit. I'm getting you water. And I'd really fucking love it if you didn't puke, okay?"

Diane can tell from Alex's voice who she's talking to, even before she hears Piper's reply.

When she leaves for work the next morning, Alex is asleep sitting up on the couch, her legs propped on the coffee table, cheek pressed against the back of the couch cushion, neck lolling in what looks like a supremely uncomfortable position.

Piper's stretched the length of the couch, her head pillowed on Alex's lap. Alex's hand is limply threaded through her hair.

Diane smiles.

This seems about right.

For the first time since her fight with Alex, Diane lets herself really, truly believe that Alex will be okay.

Just like when they were little kids, there are certain things Diane just can't fix for her daughter.

But it's always seemed like Piper can.

She sneaks out without waking them.

They're not home when she gets back that evening, but for the first time in awhile, the empty apartment doesn't worry her.

They eventually come back, both of them. They're laughing, Piper tugging on the back of Alex's shirt as she trails her into the apartment, and Diane smiles at them and mutes the TV. "Well, this is good to see."

"Yeah, we, uh..." They look at each other, laughing - giggling, really - and blushing.

Diane knows, somehow, right away. But she doesn't let them off the hook because she wants to see how they say it. They're looking at each other, some sort of silent, eyes only communication.

Finally, Alex smirks. "Pipes just totally came onto me."

"Oh, God." Laughing, Piper covers her face with her hands.

Diane looks back and forth between the two of them. Alex's eyes meet hers and somehow, her smile widens. She's smiling like she might never have to stop, and for just a second Diane feels bowled over with the realization that she's never seen Alex this happy.

She's maybe never seen anyone this happy.

She teases them for awhile. She watches the way Alex keeps playing with Piper's fingers and touching her hair with in this awed, giddy way, like she can't believe it's allowed. She watches the way Piper's eyes chase Alex's every movement like she's following sunlight.

And, later, maybe the first time Alex and Piper get more than a foot apart, she wraps Piper up in a hug.

"Thanks, baby," Diane whispers, and Piper hugs back, hard. Like she's missed her. Diane winks, her face soft. "I knew I could still call you."

When Piper reluctantly goes home for the night, Alex walks her out, and comes back in ten minutes later still looking like she can't turn off her smile.

"So." Diane smirks. "You two made up."

Alex lets out a breathless, disbelieving laugh, then flops down on the couch beside Diane, smiling sheepishly.

"Do I get to know the story?"

Alex shrugs, her smile turning almost shy. "Pipes got drunk at a party last night, and she called, kept saying she was gonna drive here. Totally dumb. So I took the car and went to pick her up -"

"I heard you two come in," Diane tells her. "Must've slept through the phone, though."

"She was all weepy and apologetic, so I guess we made up then. And this morning...I was just making breakfast, and she'd just gotten out of the shower and...I don't know." She gives that laugh again. Her eyes are awestruck. "She kissed me."

Diane laughs softly. She nods across the apartment. "Over there?"

"Yeah. Just in our fucking kitchen." They both laugh then, and then Alex's expression turns thoughtful. "I never thought this was gonna happen."

Alex meets her eyes, and for a second, it's like Diane can see all the years her daughter had been longing for something she had to convince herself would never happen.

Alex is happy.

For awhile, it really is just that simple.

Now, when Alex isn't home, Diane knows exactly who she's with, and when she is in the apartment, Piper's usually with her, at least until the very last possible minute on school nights. For the first few weeks, Alex makes a face when Diane uses the word girlfriend, and Diane rolls her eyes because relationship labels seem beside the point when anyone paying attention can see they're already in love.

When they stay in the apartment on weekends, Diane still peeks in on them after her latest shifts, out of habit. They still fill up that old twin bed, Piper draped over Alex, their limbs vining around each other.

Diane sees them like that, sometimes, and it provokes an unexpected wave of strange, bittersweet jealousy.

Sometimes, when the girls come to Friendly's to visit, or when the three of them are at the apartment at the same time, Diane will catch Alex looking at Piper - this soft eyed, fully content expression, like Piper's all she needs to be happy - and for just a second, it feels like Diane's chest is caving in.

Alex isn't all hers anymore. And maybe it's always been true, the whole time those two have known each other, but now Diane knows, with an irrational, bone deep certainty, that she will never again be the person her daughter loves most in the world.

It hurts, thinking about that.

And it also leaves her so, so grateful.

Once, Diane comes home and hears Close to Me blaring through the apartment door, accompanied with wild, overlapping laughter.

"You're such a fucking dork," she hears Alex say, her voice slurred and warm and happy.

If Diane had to lay bets, she'd guess they snagged a bottle of wine - or two - from the Chapman house and brought it here, and now they're drunk and dancing. Or, even more likely, Piper's dancing, while Alex sits on the floor by the record player and teases her.

Diane listens for a moment, and then goes back to the car. They'd be happy to see her, but they wouldn't have as much fun as they probably are right now, in this moment. So she lets them have another hour or so to themselves.

She finds Alex brooding alone on the couch one Friday evening, a few months into senior year, and Diane immediately raises her eyebrows. "Wow. Almost didn't recognize you, all by your lonesome." Alex makes a face at her, and Diane grins. "Where's Piper?"

"Out of town for the weekend." Alex's jaw tightens almost imperceptibly. "Visiting a college."

"Oh. Which one?"

"Smith."

"Well, that's not so far."

"Three hours."

Diane makes a sympathetic sound. She'd known this was coming, and she knows Alex is dreading it.

"I guess I should be glad her parents aren't pushing her to go somewhere in fucking California or something," Alex mutters. "They could afford it."

"That poor kid," Diane says, sighing "Don't think she knows her parents would still love her even if she didn't get straight A's."

"They might not," Alex says bitterly.

Diane pats Alex's arm. "Good thing she has you."

"Alex!"

Alex turns at the sound of her voice and grins. Diane shoulders past a few other parents to wrap her daughter in her arms.

When she's done hugging her, Diane pulls back and laughs. "Look at you, in the fucking cap and gown..." Her smile softens. "I'm proud of you, babe."

Alex smirks "Yeah, too bad they don't have a special sash thing for doing the barest possible minimum to graduate."

"Still counts," Diane clarifies with a grin. "Where's Pipe?"

Alex rolls her eyes. "Her whole family's here, they're taking a thousand photos and then going to brunch or something."

"Well, food isn't such a bad idea. C'mon, wherever you want to go..."

"Al!"

Alex stumbles forward a bit, then grins as Piper, her black graduation robe now open over her dress, leaps onto her back, knocking both their hats off in the process. Piper's various honors sashes and cords drape over Alex's shoulders. "You're gonna split your dress open, dumbass."

"So?" Piper glances around before planting a fast kiss on Alex's cheek, then she slides off her back, smiling somewhat sheepishly at Diane.

"Congratulations, baby." Diane hugs her. "Where are your parents?"

"They're getting in the car." She holds up a Kodak camera. "But I needed photos."

"Pipes." Alex gives an exaggerated groan.

Piper makes a mocking face at her. "Shut up, you're gonna smile, and you're gonna like it."

Diane smirks, taking the camera. "Gimme that thing."

Piper smiles at her. "I want some with you, too."

She winks. "Do I have to wear a robe?"

Alex tosses her that graduation cap, pushing her tongue between her teeth. "You can have this, Mom."

Piper backhands her arm. "No, you have to keep it on for the photos."

Diane doesn't spend much time with Alex, that summer, and almost never without Piper. She understands; soon Piper leaves and it will be just the two of them again, and she hates how scared Alex looks when she thinks no one's watching her too closely.

So Diane becomes the optimistic voice, and it's easy because she really doesn't worry about Piper and Alex, doesn't think for a second that the way they feel about each other will have trouble surviving two hundred lousy miles.

So at every chance, she reminds Alex that it's not a bad drive, that there are frequent breaks and long weekends, that Alex can borrow the car or even take a Greyhound.

And she encourages this plan Piper and Alex have latched onto, the one where they save up and Alex moves to Northampton by Piper's sophomore year. She pretends that the thought of it, of Alex gone, doesn't break her heart a little more every time they mention it.

"Hey, you," Diane says as she walks into the bedroom, heading to the closet to change work shirts. "Didn't think you were home."

Alex is lying on her bed, glaring at the ceiling, headphones on. "Why?"

"Pipes car isn't outside."

"Her mom took her shopping for dorm room stuff," she says tersely.

"Ah." That explains Alex's mood. It's been a downward slope, all summer, and now they're less than a week away from Piper leaving. Diane glances over her shoulder, taking in the room for the first time. The walls have more blank spots than usual. "Looks like you sent her off with half your posters."

"Nope," Alex replies, sharper than seems necessary.

Diane turns around to give her a questioning look; then her eyes fall on the biggest white space of wall, right above Alex's bed, prominent enough so she remembers the poster that used to be there.

Her stomach already sinking, she quickly surveys the walls, realizing which band is now entirely absent.

"Alex...?" Diane's voice is heavy with dread.

Alex is watching her, face stony, but not giving her anything to go on.

"Alex, what happened?" God, she hasn't read anything on Lee in years and years, but Alex could have found out anything; drug arrest, another kid, who the hell knows.

"Piper and I went to a Death Maiden concert," Alex says in this dull, lifeless voice that scares the hell out of Diane.

"When?" Diane forces out, not because it's the most important question, but because it's the first word she can manage.

"Last night."

"Did you...talk to...?" Diane trails off, the look on Alex's face answering the question. She exhales hard. "Baby...what did he say to you?"

"What do you think?"

Hot, pulsing rage has its grip on Diane, just like that, and her voice hardens with it. "Alex, what the fuck did he say to you?" Her mind is running ahead, it's already finding the next show, already storming backstage, already beating Lee to death with his own goddamn drumsticks.

Alex's eerie numbness is dissolving as she jolts into her own anger. "What do you think he said, Mom?! What would be your best guess, since you know him. Since you know how fucking cool he is?"

Diane's face falls. She can't think of an answer, but the devastation etched in her expression seems to confirm what Alex wanted to know.

"Yeah," Alex says, her voice barely audible but no less furious. "That's what I thought. There was always the chance that you really believed everything you said, but no. Turns out I'm the only idiot."

"You are not - "

"What really happened with you and him?" Alex demands.

"Al, please, tell me what he did." Her voice sounds shot through with panic, Diane can't focus, can't get beyond the vague worst case scenarios piling up in her head.

"Fuck that, you tell me, Mom!" Alex is yelling now. "Tell me the fucking truth!"

Diane gives her a helpless, apologetic look. Alex's eyes are shiny and unyielding.

Finally, softly, she tells her. The words feel launched from a gun in her chest, aimed outward, aimed at Alex, but they have to rip through Diane to get there. "We were together for three months of his tour," her voice is dulled, like she's reciting something. "When I told him I was pregnant, he was high. Heroin. He said everything would be okay, that I shouldn't get too worried...we slept together. When I woke up, he was gone. There was some cash in an envelope on the dresser, and the whole tour had left without me."

Alex is nodding her head and not stopping. "Yeah. Yeah, okay, that makes a lot more sense." She laughs, a weightless, frightened sound. "I guess, I can't even be mad at you, right? I should have figured it out, y'know, since we've been broke my entire life, or since I've never once heard from him. You didn't even go all out, didn't have to send me fake letters or birthday cards or whatever the fuck, and I still stupidly didn't put it together that he probably wasn't a good guy." Her face twists, and she sucks in a stuttered breath that's almost a sob. "That's how much I trusted you, Mom."

The past tense is a knife to the gut.

Diane moves toward Alex, reaching for her, but she launches off the bed as soon as her mom gets close. "I am so, so sorry, babe. I never thought you'd find him - "

"That shouldn't matter."

"I know, I know it shouldn't..." Her every syllable is rattling with panic. "Just listen for a second, okay? Let me explain - "

"You know the whole day, before the concert, Piper looked so worried. And I didn't get why, I thought she just couldn't understand something like this, that she was being overdramatic...but she was totally right. She knew what would probably happen - "

"What did happen?" Diane doesn't have a hold on the desperation anymore; her voice is practically throbbing with it.

Alex ignores her, pressing on, tears starting to thicken her voice. "Which means she's probably known this whole time how stupid I sound - "

"Stop saying that, stop saying you're stupid."

"What the fuck am I supposed to say?" Her voice finally cracks, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. "I bought all these posters, Mom! And tapes, and...and I fucking saved up my money to buy that band shirt that I wore all the damn time."

It's like saying this out loud is hurting her, her whole voice is anguish. "Fuck, I have a tattoo because of his goddamn fucking song...and, God, I wore those Death Maiden patches on my backpack for seven years of school...how the hell am I not supposed to feel like a complete fucking idiot about that?"

Alex is crying now, angrily spitting the words around harsh, stammering breaths. There are tears in Diane's eyes, she feels like something's crashing down around her ears, but when she moves toward her daughter Alex backs away.

"Alex, please." She's begging, shameless. "Just tell me what he did." She's going to kill him. Forget the drumsticks, she'll do it with her bare hands.

But then, Alex's face contorts with something almost like betrayal, and for a second Diane can't catch her breath.

"He's a stranger, Mom." Alex wipes her sleeve under her eyes, looking angry at herself for losing control. "I shouldn't even care what he did...you're the one who let me."

"Alex - "

"Don't you have to leave for work?" Alex clenches out, curling back up on her bed, her hands shaking as she grabs her walkman and tries to untangle her headphones.

"Babe...please give me a chance to talk here."

"Just get out." Alex snaps, putting on her headphones, physically holding her hands over the ears and screwing her eyes shut. It would seem like such petulant, bratty teenager behavior, except she's still desperately trying to make herself stop crying.

Alex has never yelled at her to leave before. Not once.

Diane feels numb, like she's still in shock, absorbing the blow that is this whole conversation, so she dazedly backs out of the bedroom, leaving Alex alone.

She really is supposed to be at work, and she gets out of the apartment, downstairs, and into the front seat of her car before the shock wears off, all at once, and she presses a white knuckled fist against her lips as she starts to sob.

She doesn't make it to work.

When Diane gets a hold of herself, she goes back up to the apartment, closing the door loudly. She turns on the TV, not to watch, but so Alex will know she's here if she momentarily quiets the music.

But Diane gives her space. She figures she has no right to push it.

It takes three hours before the door finally opens and Alex steps out, red eyed and exhausted looking. She looks at Diane, expression impossible to read. "Why didn't you go to work?"

"I've told you before..." Diane fumbles around for a weak smile, turning off the TV. "Shouldn't walk out during a fight."

Slowly, Alex comes to sit beside her on the couch; a cushion away, but still beside her.

"Will you tell me what happened?" Diane asks softly.

Alex stares straight forward, visibly gathering strength. "I went backstage without Piper. Told her I'd come get her after we met..." She swallows. "At first it was okay. He said he was happy to see me. He didn't...not believe me, or anything. Then..." Her voice falters, and Diane barely stops herself from reaching for her hand. Alex laughs humorlessly, face twisting distastefully. "Then he said he never would have recognized me, and that he could have...he could have accidentally fucked me. Because I have a serious rack."

"Fuck." The curse rips out of her, smoldering with anger. "That fucking asshole..."

"I just really hated him," Alex says in a small voice, chancing a look over at Diane. "And I do feel really, really fucking stupid."

"You shouldn't," Diane tells her. "Please, please don't, Al, listen to me..." She takes a second, almost too surprised that Alex isn't yelling anymore to figure out what to say. "Babe, you were...so, so little when I started telling you about him...and I kept it up, the same story, so of course you didn't think to question. You can be mad at me, you should be fucking furious, but...I can't stand you being hard on yourself about it."

Alex is chewing on her lower lip, eyes glistening with tears. She takes off her glasses and puts them on the coffee table, pressing her fingers to her eyes. Finally, she breathes out, "Why?"

It's all Diane can do to keep her eyes on Alex's face, to force herself to see all the hurt there. She's going to be demolished by the time this is over. "Alex. Baby...when you were first born...I was just telling a story for myself. You talk about feeling stupid, Al, I'd...I'd been left behind in a hotel room by a famous guy I thought was in love with me. And when I tried to go home, my mom wouldn't even let me in the house. I..." Her voice snags. "I took you from the hospital to a homeless shelter, babe. It was a mess, I was...pathetic."

Now it's Alex looking away, unable to look at the pained expression on her mom's face. Diane reaches over, touching a strand of her hair, and she nearly cries with relief when Alex doesn't pull away.

"All I had was the story," Diane continues resolutely. "And...it was a lot better to think about how a famous rock star had wanted me, even for a little while, then to tell everyone he was a junkie asshole who used me."

Alex's eyes are big, looking like she's struggling to process this bit of revisionist history.

"I didn't mean to tell you much," Diane says. "Just that he was a musician, and that we weren't together long. But Alex..." Her voice quivers slightly around her daughters name, and Alex looks away again, sliding a little closer on the couch when she does.

"There was so much I couldn't give you, babe. You had to change schools so many times, and you were by yourself so much, and...and all those kids at school...I couldn't make you feel cool. Not with better clothes, or an apartment you wanted to invite friends to, or a job you weren't embarrassed by..."

Alex flinches a little, her lower lip trembling. "Mom..."

"It's okay." Diane soothes a hand through her hair again, and Alex leans into her, resting her cheek on Diane's shoulder. "I knew those snobby little bitches at your school made fun of you. And I couldn't fix it. I couldn't give you anything that would make you feel better...except for that story."

Diane feels tears rising up her throat more insistently, but she tightens her jaw and forces herself to continue. "I thought it was only fucking fair, right? He didn't give us anything, so I took the only thing about him that was worth a damn...the fame, and that goddamn rock star image. But, baby, I never, ever thought..." She loses the battle, her voice collapsing into pieces, tears brimming over. "I never thought he'd have a chance to hurt you."

Alex reels back, horrified. "Mom. Please don't cry. Seriously, I'm sorry, he...he said something gross, but it could've been so much worse. I'm making too big of a deal."

Shaking her head, Diane wipes her eyes. "No, no, don't do that. Don't be sorry." Alex leans on her again, taking refuge in the shoulder of Diane's work polo so she doesn't have to see her crying.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," Alex mumbles against her after a moment.

"You can yell more if you want," Diane tells her shakily. "I'd deserve it."

"You don't."

"Oh, babe..." Diane leans her head on Alex's, blinking a few last tears into her hair. "I really am so sorry."

They're quiet for awhile, and when Alex looks up, her eyes are red, too. "I can't picture you with someone like him."

"Oh, God...I barely can either, anymore." She laughs tiredly. "You have any idea how lucky you are, Al?" Alex's face folds in confusion. "You and Piper both, I mean. You fell in love with your best friend. And I'm really fuckin happy you're never going to have to just...accept whatever love you can get from someone."

Alex's eyes darken, just a little. "You always say stuff like that, like it's a given that Piper and I are...permanent." Her voice fades a little. "She's leaving in five days."

"She'll be back."

"I'm just..." Alex shakes her head a little, cheeks reddening. "I'm not ready for her to go."

"I know you aren't, babe." Diane wishes she could give Alex her faith, her certainty of how rare of a thing she and Piper have. Sometimes Diane thinks that all those years Alex spent convincing herself Piper wasn't something she could have are too deeply rooted. That Alex has never quite stopped believing that it will all go away.

After a minute of silence ticks by, Diane turns the TV back on. Alex puts her glasses back on, then settles back against Diane's shoulder.

They don't talk for the next ten minutes, then suddenly Alex says tentatively, "Mom?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"I, um..." She slides her eyes away from the television. "I was never embarrassed by you. Okay? And I know you did everything for me. I shouldn't...I shouldn't have even needed to find him."

"Oh, Al..." Her voice is gentle. "Is that why you didn't tell me you were going?"

"I guess. I just...didn't want you to think you aren't enough."

Diane's heart catches at that, remembering her promises to herself when Alex was born.

"I know that, baby."

Alex cracks a grin. "You're the one who made me cool, by the way."

Diane smiles back. "I did?"

"Mmm-hmmm. And then we both made Piper cool."

"Oh, yeah?"

"With a lot of effort."

"I'm gonna tell her you said that."

Five days later, Diane hugs Piper goodbye in the parking lot of the complex, then goes inside to leave them alone, squeezing her daughter sympathetically on the arm as she goes; Diane's pretty sure Alex didn't sleep at all last night.

She can't help but glance out the window, a few moments after getting back inside; they're standing close, foreheads touching.

Diane backs away, just far enough so her view out the window is the edge of the apartment parking lot, so she sees the moment when Piper's car creeps away.

She manages to wait three minutes, and when Alex still hasn't come back inside, Diane can't take it anymore, her out there, alone.

Alex is sitting on the bottom steps of the apartment building, spine curved, her glasses perched on her head and the heels of her hands pressed against her eyes.

She sits up when she hears Diane's footsteps on the stairs, sniffling and putting her glasses back on. There are tears streaming down her cheeks, but she immediately starts pretending there aren't. "I'm fine."

"Okay." Diane sits down beside her, taking her cue from Alex and not making a big deal, just squeezing her shoulder. "How was Pipe?"

"Sad."

"Of course."

"And scared, I think."

"I'm sure."

Pure devastation seems entrenched in Alex's eyes, and it tugs at Diane's chest. She nudges Alex's shoulder. "And how are you?"

Alex sets her jaw, lifts her eyes upward. She takes a second to answer. "It just...feels like she's not coming back."

"You know she is."

"But...not all the way back. Not really."

Diane doesn't have to ask what she means. Piper's going off to another life, one Alex doesn't get to be a part of. One Diane can't give her.

"You know...she may not come all the way back to this fucking town. Or even to parents. But, Alex...Piper's always going to come back to you."

Alex laughs a little, shooting her a look. "How are you so sure?"

"Because I've seen the way that girl looks at you." She touches Alex's cheek. "And I know what it's like to love you that much."

The smile falters on Alex's face, her eyes filling up fresh. "Thanks."

Diane puts an arm around her, and Alex lets her. "And, honestly, I'm glad I get you to myself for one more year...before you leave and don't come back."

A/N: Some people, in reviews, had mentioned wanting to see events from later than this, specifically Landslide. While that could still happen at some point, this first piece was just intended to cover through "Young Blood". Diane's obviously really prominent in "Landslide", but that's a much tighter narrative, not as many empty stretches for fully new material...I'd just be rewriting POV for existing scenes. I still could do some at some point - Diane's been great to write - with specific prompts, but it'll be separate from here.

Thanks so much for reading this. I thought it was going to be my most self-indulgent, uninteresting piece, but the response for it has been completely overwhelming. Y'all continue to be the best. Lemme know what you thought!