#

Blast and damnation! I know Bingley is in dire need of country accommodation but the place he had chosen is quite inappropriate for them. I let him off my leash for once and there he goes and gets this place. No decent company for miles. And those people! Some of them have already visited. Constant stream of fathers with unmarried bunch of insipid daughters, I presume. Since the death of Bingley's father, I have been trying to protect my too trustful friend from such traps.

And there's this ball at the Assembly. I expect the worst.

#

I was right. This place is crowded and dismal. And all those people almost ogling us; I don't feel comfortable with it. Sir Lucas is trying to point out the more important ones of people from this menagerie.

I just saw this girl with very fine eyes and lips. I should not have looked. She might think I'm interested and undoubtedly report it to her mother. I must take a better grip on myself.

Thank God they started to dance again. I couldn't bear much more of this scrutiny.

And I was right again. First set of families looking for husbands is being introduced. The mother of the family talks one to the dozen. And among the daughters there is this girl again. I must not look, I must not smile. I stole some glances nevertheless. What is wrong with me?

Charles insists on taking the part in dancing. I'm not alone in rejecting this abhorrent idea. Caroline agrees with me. On the other hand she agrees with everything I say, so there's not much of a victory.

Now Charles talks to both of them, Jane AND Elizabeth Bennet. He definitely pays too much attention to this family. And she caught me staring at her! Only for a second but I managed to revert my gaze to other people. She must have noticed me looking at her and now she probably thinks I might be her new conquest. I really, really must control myself.

He asked Miss Bennet to dance. I dread to ask him later why he did that. I think this girl, this Elisabeth Bennet almost suggested I should ask her to dance. I think I brushed her off successfully. However now as she left us I almost regret. She does seem different to others here. No, I'd better not involve myself. That might give some ideas.

Charles is my friend but really his insistence on my dancing is testing our friendship. To keep him off me I just told him that he danced with the only handsome girl in the room. He seems quite taken with this girl. And to encourage me he mentions Miss Elisabeth. According to him she's very agreeable. Did he notice something? I must be careful in future. I tried to dispel his notions if he has any, saying that she is barely tolerable and not handsome enough to tempt me. I don't believe that but I had to say something to stop him talking and trying to make me dance.

As Bingley is dancing with Miss Lucas now, my eyes involuntarily turn to Miss Elizabeth. She is so very lively and her smile is engaging if only I admit that to myself. There are so many people here and they keep getting in my way, I almost lose the sight of her. I ventured to move to the other place in the room to have a better view of her. Her liveliness reminds me of Georgiana.

The music has stopped for a while, thank heavens. But I'm stranded in conversation with Bennets and Charles. The mother is insufferable. She is recounting the story of some poor fellow infatuation with Miss Bennet. To their credit, I can clearly see that both girls are extremely uncomfortable with her talking. I must say that Miss Elizabeth very elegantly cut her mother short. And with quite an intelligent remark too. Although a bit confusing to me. She seems to think the poetry kills the weak love. And probably I would have to agree with her. I asked her what she would recommend. My first venture into the conversation I have to admit. And I got punished for it. At least that is what I feel. She recommended dancing even if the partner is barely tolerable. Thank god I don't blush. She heard me. She must have heard me saying that about her. I was so stunned I couldn't say a word. I just looked at her and she kept her gaze staring directly at me. I can't say why but I felt a tingle in my stomach. I daresay she captured my attention overwhelmingly. I wanted her to stay but she turned and left the company. I couldn't help myself and I kept looking after her. Miss Elizabeth is definitely different to all those around me. Have I been wrong? It rarely happens. Thankfully I don't think anyone noticed. I forbade myself to smile and it worked. Although in normal circumstances I would smile at her smart retort.

I must watch Bingley closer. He doesn't seem to look at anybody else but Miss Bennet. Do I need to be worried?

#

Apparently Bingley asked Caroline to invite Miss Bennet. I don't like the sound of it. Luckily he and I are dining out. Otherwise I would be worried. Miss Bennet seems nice enough but a bit dull for my taste.

#

There is something about this affair that I don't like. Miss Bennet came by horse, got caught in the rain and got ill. Obviously Caroline couldn't let her go in this state and Miss Bennet stayed the night. And we had to send for the doctor as she was really unwell.

Why would the Bennets allow her to come on horseback? The weather was not that fine. Is that a trap, I wonder? If so, this is a very dangerous game. The girl might have ended much worse than cold.

Bingley is happy. On the other hand, Charles is always happy and of sunny disposition. Much too gentle for this world. But there is a good outcome. He started to act as a proper master of the house, organizing the doctor's visit, room for Miss Bennet etc. I think Caroline should have taken care of it but Charles didn't want even to hear of it; he wanted to be the person responsible for Miss Bennet's wellbeing. Caroline didn't venture to take her initiative from him. I wonder why. She invited Miss Bennet but at times was almost uncivil to her.

Bingley is everywhere this morning. I'm not sure what got into him. He barely touched his breakfast and stormed off somewhere, leaving me alone with Caroline. I tried to dissuade her from talking to me, pretending to read my papers but she can't be that easily shrugged off.

Miss Elizabeth Bennet is announced. Now, there is something to draw my attention. I wonder why she came.

I don't know what to think. As soon as I saw her I felt a thunderbolt inside me. She looks angelic. She looks so beautiful. She… I almost forgot to stand up and bow. I can't speak. She obviously walked here and the walk gave her this fresh look and slight blush to her cheeks. Her eyes look so radiant. Her hair is flowing freely.

Caroline is quite rude to her. Miss Elizabeth is a bit flustered at this hostile welcome. But nonplussed she asks about her sister.

I literally force myself to speak and tell her that her sister is upstairs. I can hardly say anything more. I have never seen anything so beautiful. I feel like part of me is dying when she leaves the room. I have never felt like this before. Caroline is saying something about her muddy hem. What do I care?! She was a vision of unearthly beauty.

I don't know what is happening to me. I can't allow myself to be attracted to Miss Elizabeth. I have my position to think of. Yet there is something about her…

I regret at not saying anything more. Perhaps I should have offered to show her the room. I…

#

So Miss Elizabeth was offered a room to stay with her sister. After the long sleep I think I have come to my senses. I was overcome but that was only because her looks yesterday morning stunned me. But obviously I met a lot of beautiful women before and I can deal with a Miss Elizabeth just as with others.

However I'm quite happy that she mostly stays with her sister and she rarely comes downstairs. There is obviously no danger to me to fall for her but I'd much prefer her not to be too much in my company. I admit she is very beautiful and quite entertaining but she is not a part of my world. And can never be.

With such beauty and wit there will surely be a man interested enough in her to pursue her. Probably more than one. Although I can't say that she will be lucky to find a partner equal to her attributes. She is the most handsome woman I…

No, I'm not going there.

#

I would have thought that when one writes letters others should be aware that I cannot successfully engage in the conversation and letter writing in equal measures. Caroline seems to be obtuse of this fact. As she keeps asking me questions. Sometimes being polite is not sufficient.

I surrender into this conversation about the accomplishments of ladies. I honestly believe in what I say. To be accomplished means a lot. When I mention the need for extensive reading, she promptly closes her book. There is this stubbornness about her that I cannot fathom. Or is it mischievousness I mean?

And that prompted a response from Miss Elizabeth. I have to turn and properly look at her. I avoided doing it so far although she always seems to be in my peripheral vision.

She is too witty for her own good. I would've laughed but there is something that bothers me about her.

I'm trying very hard not to look as Caroline and Miss Elisabeth do the turn round the room. But then she asks me directly about my faults. I know she asks facetiously but I am determined to fight this allure she has and answer her truthfully.

Caroline bites back. She really verges on civility sometimes. I just couldn't be so rude to anybody. I sneak a look at Miss Elizabeth. I admire her that she took it so bravely and with a smile. She goes back to her seat.

My head is muddled. She seems to invade my thoughts. Looking into her eyes was disturbing. She has the finest eyes I have ever seen. The ones I could drown myself into. Luckily I can control myself.

#

Nearly all of those Bennets are announced at the breakfast. Now one can clearly see how very crude they are. Whenever Mrs Bennet speaks I shudder inwardly.

I think the youngest of them almost forced Bingley to hold a ball. They are all giggling and they act inappropriately.

There is however a distinction between them and Miss Elizabeth. I observe her keenly and as often as I can without staring. She looks as she is embarrassed by her sisters and her mother. I'm not surprised. I admit she behaves better that I thought she ever would.

#

I am relieved they are all leaving Netherfield. It couldn't happen soon enough. The presence of Miss Elizabeth disturbed my thoughts and now we can all come back to our lives. Possibly without meeting her again.

What am I doing? I just helped her into the carriage. The touch of her hand was like a thunder. The shock wave went through my body. She was evidently surprised at my gesture. I'm more surprised than her. It is just that the thought that I may never see her again made me want to touch her. I gave her a good-bye look and turned quickly. My hand burns as if I touched open fire. It's incomprehensible. For a second there I lost control over myself. I am glad that she is gone.

#

Bingley is unsupportable. He insists that we pay a visit to the Bennets. Ostensibly to inquire after Miss Bennet health. I'm very reluctant to go but I think I need to pay more attention to Charles so I agree. It seems to me he might be infatuated with Miss Bennet. I don't know what he is thinking. She is not a desired match for him.

We meet them by the river. All five of Bennet girls and apparently some officer. I might have known that those girls would be eager to mingle with the military. Miss Elizabeth is standing too close to this officer for my liking.

Oh my dear god! It's Wickham! This odious man that I thought I would never lay my eyes on again. The youngest Bennet girl has the cheek to force Bingley again and invite Wickham to the ball. It is more that I can bear. I turn my horse and ride away. I don't know what enrages me more, the sight of Wickham or the fact that he was standing close to Miss Elizabeth.

#

Bingley seems determined to hold the ball he promised to the Bennets. I can't think why he is so keen on it. I can't say I'm enamoured with balls. And to be completely honest no dance partner ever gave me sufficient pleasure to dance with t as to make me prevailed to enjoy dancing.

I wonder what dress Miss Elizabeth will wear. No, I don't. It does not interest me at all.

#

I don't comprehend what I am looking for. I cannot find peace and I keep pacing the rooms.

There she is. I confess she looks most alluring. Evidently she took great care in her preparations for the ball. I wonder why she took so much trouble. I usually saw her plainly and simply dressed. And I found it endearing somewhat. She didn't notice me and I follow her graceful figure for a few steps. Her white muslin dress draws my eyes and I almost ogle her shape. Her delicate neck makes me think of… Stop it! I turn abruptly as my reason comes back to me. I hope no one noticed.

#

She's dancing with some curate or such. She is not paying much attention to him as she is conversing with her sister. There must be some distressing news that she hears as she looks agitated.

I cannot wait much longer. I step into her path as she is going down from dancing, all smiling and laughing with Miss Lucas. She composes herself immediately when she sees me. I like it that she is not too frivolous. When I ask her for the next dance she concedes. Without smile. But then, I'm not smiling either.

When we stand to dance I can finally look at her straight without being afraid to be noticed. Elizabeth looks like a vision of loveliness. I freely admire her exquisite face, her long neck and those beyond beautiful eyes. And when we start to dance I can hold her hands. Fortunately, I do not react to the touch as previously but it still sends shivers down my spine. She seems in a playful mood as she teases me on required conversation during the dance. I comply. Her voice is more pleasing to my ears than the actual music played. And I have the pleasure of her smiling at me. She has the most beautiful smile.

I'm thinking of the subjects of conversation that we can pursue during the dance. Her closeness does affect me greatly and my thoughts are flying all over the place. I stumble finally on the last time I saw her and ask if they often walk to Meryton. I immediately regret it. It reminded me, and her apparently, of Wickham. She talks about hearing of the accounts of me that puzzle her exceedingly. I stop her in the middle of the dance pulling tightly her hands. I am at two minds what she meant. Was it anything about Georgiana or she only meant my character? I quickly return to dance with a promise to her for affording more clarity in the future. The air between us is effervescent. The atmosphere changed from playful to loaded with emotions. At least it granted me intense stares from her. Although I am slightly annoyed with her I did enjoy looking deeply into those fine eyes. I feel as though there is no one else in the room but us. And this whole ball is just for us. In this moment of time only we exist and a wave of happiness fulfils my whole body. My annoyance subsides and I look at her with all the longing for her I feel. Elizabeth is perfect. Her poise, her gestures, her manner of speaking.

Alas the dance ends. She curtseys and leaves. I'm left there bereft of thoughts. There are only emotions. I'm lost as this state is quite new for me.

I do not know how I am to endure the rest of the ball. The inevitable dance with Caroline fills me with dread.

The people here are just annoying. I would rather be left with my thoughts.

But as I come down the stairs I hear Mrs. Bennet telling her company that she is expecting the advantageous marriage. I knew they had planned to entrap Bingley.

#

Sleepless nights are never helpful to my health. Yet this night brought me peace. I collected my thoughts and made some important decisions. At breakfast I found an unexpected ally in Caroline and together we managed to persuade Charles to leave for Pemberley.

And as the carriage takes us away I ponder over the events from this last month. I must impose a stronger control over my reactions. I feel I'm being seduced by the wiles of this exquisite woman. As it has no future I have to be very careful. It might seem like I'm fleeing out of cowardice but I have to think of Bingley too. We both succumbed to the charms of women with inappropriate connections and lower standing in life. They may consider it a victory but it is of short duration.

I shall endeavour to relegate Elisabeth from my thoughts. Miss Elisabeth I should say.

#

As they say it is easier said than done. When I'm alone my thoughts always wander to Elizabeth. Her smile, her eyes, her full lips and all this gorgeousness of her. I admit I admire also her wit and poise. There is a vitality about her that I would love to possess exclusively and embrace with my arms.

Elizabeth, dammit, Miss Elizabeth just might be the woman I have been searching all my life. I am convinced that she would make me a happy man. But it is not to be. Her social position is too low in comparison with mine. And I do need to think about my family expectations.

#

My aunt wrote. She is expecting from me a visit. I'm trying very hard to postpone this duty as much as I am able. I have run out of excuses.

#

My aunt wrote again but his time I'm reading her letter with more interest. She is recounting the story of the parson living in her grounds. This is the impertinent man who accosted me at the Netherfield ball and the one who danced with Elizabeth. Apparently he proposed to her and was refused. I must admit I have to admire her courage. In her family circumstances, the match would be most advisable. Yet she refused.

And now as he married Miss Lucas who as far as I recall is the friend of Elizabeth, Miss Elizabeth I meant, she will be visiting them. My aunt is very curious of Miss Elizabeth. If only for her to see the woman who refused an advantageous marriage. My aunt is full of good advices to others and I'm quite convinced that she will try to help Miss Elizabeth with her stray ways and independent spirit.

I might reconsider my stance toward the long overdue visit to Kent. My aunt will be glad to see her favourite nephew.

#

This might be a test for me. To see if meeting Elizabeth after all those months would ignite the emotions I have been trying to squash. If only to myself I must admit that my feelings for her are very intense. However hard I try I cannot make myself stop thinking about Elizabeth. I recollect all our little conversations and try to find a glimmer of hope that she might return my feelings.

She won. I have no doubt that she will be flattered when she knows about my feelings for her. I have tried and tried to fight them but they are too strong. I am aware that my choice will be a disappointment to my family. But I cannot fight any longer.

#

Elizabeth comes for dinner! My aunt has invited the parson and his wife to Rosings but also extended her invitation to their quest. I can't find a place for myself. I need to see her soon or I shall go mad.

Thank heavens that I brought Fitzwilliam with me. My aunt talks incessantly. And at least half of her conversation is now directed to Fitzwilliam so I am able to gather my thoughts for a moment.

#

I'm standing by the window and I can see them coming. My dearest Elizabeth is walking steadily, whilst Mr. Collins is mincing his steps, constantly stopping and going. He seems very excited.

In a moment I shall see her!

#

She doesn't see me when they enter as I stand with Fitzwilliam by the window. I watch this diverting scene where Mr. Collins is trying very hard to appear distinguished and subdued at the same time. I see her half smile at Mr. Collins little dance. She might despise him as much as I do. There is obviously a kinship between us. And it is as much undeniable as the differences.

When she finally notices me, I see that she is startled but her face does not betray any emotions. I hope mine is as unreadable as hers. She is even more beautiful than I remember her. To my aunt inquiry, she replies that she had the pleasure of meeting me in Hertfordshire. I do hope she means it.

#

My aunt interference in the table seating, however rude it might seem, has granted me a pleasure of seating next to Elizabeth. I try to engage her in a polite conversation and I'm hopeful as she replies in cheerful attitude. We are interrupted by my aunt again. And she starts to pose many questions to Elizabeth. I understand that lady Catherine is curious of this girl but I am starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with the intensity of those questions. On mention of there being no governess in the Bennet household, Collins emits some strange disapproving noise. This man is insufferable.

As I listen to their discourse I begin to think that my aunt is purposefully rude. And I am amazed that I had not noticed it earlier. I always found her disagreeable but now I am acutely hurt by her remarks directed at Elizabeth. But I have the pleasure to listen how bravely she takes this sheer abuse and stands her ground. This woman is beyond my expectations. I admire her enormously. I wish I could spare her from the world's harm. All I want is to take her in my arms and keep her there.

Elizabeth actually made my aunt speechless. I am so proud of her. But somehow this admiration is not shared by others I fear. Perhaps only Fitzwilliam appreciates it.

#

My aunt just made Elizabeth to play the pianoforte despite her protests and assurances that she plays poorly. Collins made some unforgivable remark. I should say something but I can't find my words.

Elizabeth moves to the instrument. I can clearly see that she dreads it. I cannot constrain myself from following her with my eyes. I missed her so much these past few months. My aunt voice awakens me from my reverie. She asks about Georgiana and I have to say that she plays very well but in these circumstances I do not find this remark appropriate. My aunt continues with some advice on practice. And I stray in Elizabeth's direction. She has this pull over me and I cannot keep away, especially when she is in such close proximity.

She greets me in her playful mode and I comply. She really does not play well but her voice is like the voice of angels to my ears.

Fitzwilliam joins us and I am frustrated that I cannot have this moment only to ourselves. And now Elizabeth has the opportunity to tease me. She is very playful and she looks so beautiful I would like to kiss those teases away.

Aunt calls Fitzwilliam away. I try to explain to Elisabeth that I do not have the talent of conversing easily with the people I have never met before. She is too witty for me. She suggests I should take my aunt advice and practise. I feel rebuked by her. And I cannot stay there as much as I would like it. I leave her but I can't help myself and have a long look at her playing. Perhaps I should have said something else but with her so close my emotions take the better of me.

#

I toss and turn in my bed. I keep repeating our conversation in my mind. There are so many things I should have said. With her close I seem to forget the words. I cannot comprehend how I got myself into this. I need to tell her about my feelings. Perhaps this act will free my tongue. But I am still afraid that I will forget what I want to say.

#

I have decided. I shall go to her and declare myself.

#

I waited so long in the woods to see when it will be an appropriate time to visit Elizabeth that my horse almost fell asleep.

I think they have gone now and she is alone. I must do it quickly.

#

I almost took the door to the parlour out with my forceful entry.

But now seeing her I cannot bring myself to say the things I wanted to say. She looks so lovely in the morning light. I apparently interrupted her writing the letters. She is kind and civil. She asks me to sit but I cannot move from the spot. She clearly thinks I came to see the Collinses. She asks if I want the tea. I refuse as I cannot allow myself to lose my resolve. I am nervous and I say some trivial things about the cottage. I don't know how to bring the subject of matrimony in these circumstances.

I am rescued or damned I cannot decide by the sudden entrance of Mrs. Collins.

I quickly depart.

#

That was a disaster. I ride slowly through the woods to clear my head. I have the idea to write down my declaration and then say it quickly.

She must know by now how I feel about her. I just need to say the words and the love of my life will be mine.

#

I wrote it down.

Miss Elizabeth, I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you. I have fought against my better judgement, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth, my rank and circumstances. And all those things I am willing to put aside and ask you to put an end to my agony. Please do me the honour of accepting my hand.

I am quite sure that if I learn it by heart I shall be able to deliver it.

I can go to sleep now. Tomorrow is Sunday and I shall try to seek her company alone and declare my intentions.

#

I am repeating the words of declaration in my head constantly. I am sure I shall deliver them without an unnecessary and uncomfortable silences.

I hardly listen to Collins delivering his sermon. The usual drivel I suppose. Did he just said something about the intercourse? This man is unbearable.

I just caught her eye for the tiniest of the moment. She must have observed me. She obviously is certain of my affection and awaits my declaration. Elizabeth now avoids my eyes. She demurely looks straight ahead. I expect this is the moment she was awaiting her whole life.

#

We're leaving the church and I cannot trace her. She could not have left already. Collinses' carriage is still here and it starts to rain. Where is she?

Is it her? This figure running over the bridge towards the folly? She should not have run. It is not deemed respectable for the ladies to run. I always say so to Georgiana.

As nobody pays any attention to me I start to walk quickly towards the bridge.

Now I think I shall have to run. Otherwise I may lose the sight of her. I hope nobody noticed.

#

I startle her with my sudden appearance at the folly. I waste no time. Deep breath and here I go.

'Miss Elizabeth, I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings with the single object of seeing you.'

And additional 'I had to see you' escapes me. I must come back to the part I learned.

'I have fought against my better judgement, my family's expectations, the inferiority of your birth, my rank and circumstances. And all those things I am willing to put aside and ask you to put an end to my agony.'

She interrupts my flow and says that she doesn't understand. And I cannot keep myself in control any longer I blurt out that I love her. Most ardently.

But I need to finish my speech.

'Please do me the honour of accepting my hand.'

She is silent. She looks at me uncomprehendingly, it seems. But surely it must not be so.

Then she delivers the speech when each word strikes blows into my heart.

I don't understand.

Maybe she is saying it in jest. She denies.

Sudden anger rise in me. She is rejecting me. I can hardly believe my ears.

I ask why she delivers such a message with such uncivility. I ask for her reasons.

And then we start to quarrel. She accuses me of separating her sister and Bingley. I cannot deny it. We are both rising our voices now.

She asks for my reasons now. Something comes over me and I say what I think about her family. I accuse them of impropriety. It is a blow to her I can see that clearly.

I need to be fair, I exclude her and her sister. She is silent again. She must agree with me as she has calmed down. So have I.

But then she mentions Wickham. My anger is renewed and I make few steps in her direction. We have never been so close before. I can almost feel her breath on my face.

My anger gets the better of me. And I accuse her of hurting her pride and we exchange very bitter words. But her outburst of accusations is releasing so much emotions in her. I have never seen her in such a state. We are both wet from the rain. And some of her locks are stuck to her beautiful face.

When she finally says that she cannot be prevailed upon to marry me, despite what she says I just want to kiss her lovely lips and pull her tightly to my chest and keep her in my arms forever.

My body nearly lunges at her but I restrain myself with all the will I possess. I am not angry at her; I am heartbroken.

I can only leave her now with gentle words: 'Forgive me, madam, for taking up so much of your time.'

#

As I am shut in my room, my head plays the morning scene over and over again. I have no words. My world has just collapsed. My happiness is beyond my reach.

She despises me when I thought she encouraged me.

I feel nothing.

As I hear her accusations in my head, I know I must do something about it.

I need to occupy my thoughts with a purpose. I know I lost her but at least I need to explain my actions. It may not help my cause but my name may be cleared at least in some respects.

#

As I approach the parsonage it looks deserted. It is late afternoon now, almost evening and as I enter I see Elizabeth in her night gown standing in front of the mirror and staring into it without purpose. She does not turn. She is like a statue with her arms wrapped around her. She looks lost and there is nothing more that I would rather do than coming to her and hide her in my arms, covering her head and face with kisses to take the worry away.

But this is just my dream that will never come true now. I tell her the purpose of my visit. She doesn't turn or look at me.

I tell her what are the contents of the letter and still she doesn't turn. She doesn't want me there. So with the last look at her I leave the place quietly.

Until now I only have read of heartbreak and inwardly laughed at it. Now this pain is a part of my experience. I rush the horse through the woods. I need to find some calm in my head and in my heart.