CHAPTER ONE

Choosing Ceremony day. Deep in the chasm most of the boulders are jagged, but there is one rock that is relatively flat and I can sit just above the water and feel the spray on my feet. It is my favorite place at Dauntless. Today the 16 year olds in the city will choose their faction. I am not going to the ceremony to watch. I am an instructor this year so I will be waiting for the Dauntless initiates here at Dauntless headquarters. The ceremony will take place in a few hours.

I see the water churning below me and watch a scrap of paper as it floats past me and my mind begins to wander. I remember my own choosing ceremony, two years ago. I remember how my father, Marcus had coached me for my aptitude test, telling me what to expect and what to choose to ensure that I would get an Abnegation result. Tori, the woman who had administered my aptitude test, had looked at me skeptically and asked if I was aware during the simulation. I lied. I had been aware but Marcus had warned me not to tell anyone if I was. In the end Tori had determined I was Abnegation. Hearing those words felt like a death sentence to me. I didn't care what Marcus wanted or what the aptitude test said. I was allowed to choose any faction I wanted no matter what the test results showed.

It was easy to rule out Candor. For one thing they talk too much. But worse than that was the thought of having to tell the truth about my family, my childhood, myself. I knew I could never do that. I also knew I wouldn't choose Amity. They are supposed to be loving and kind, exactly what I've always craved. But I know myself. I have a short temper and not much patience. I don't trust people in general and have learned to protect myself by putting up walls. I knew I would never feel like I belonged there. So the choices I was left with were Erudite and Dauntless. Erudite? I like to think I'm sort of smart but I wasn't sure I was that smart. I do like computers and technology. And I knew the Erudite don't like the Abnegation. I'm not sure why the animosity between the two factions exists but I knew the more distance I could put between myself and Abnegation the better. But in the end I chose Dauntless. I was tired of feeling weak and defenseless all the time. I wanted to be able to learn to protect myself. When my turn in the ceremony had come I hadn't even flinched when I let the blade of the knife slice the skin on my hand. I had turned directly to the bowl which held fire. I remember the sizzling sound as my blood hit the flaming coals. I heard murmurs of surprise coming from the Abnegation section and shouts and cheers coming from the Dauntless side of the room. Of course the Abnegation were shocked that anyone would choose to leave Abnegation. Not many do. As far as they knew my father was a good and honorable man. He is an Abnegation leader and well respected among them. I know the truth. He was violent behind closed doors when no one was watching. I didn't want to know what his reaction would be. Shock? Embarrassment? Anger? I didn't want to see his face. The thought of his friends consoling him now that he was alone made me sick. I had turned to focus my eyes on the Dauntless. They were my faction now. I was no longer Abnegation and I didn't have to be that scared little boy anymore.

Dauntless hasn't exactly been what I expected or hoped it would be. I chose Dauntless because I wanted to conquer my fears. Early on in training I discovered I didn't have many. Only four. My instructor Amar even nicknamed me "Four" because I had so few obstacles in my fear landscape. I embraced my new name. I was more than happy to leave Tobias behind. But I still have those same four fears. They have never changed. What does that say about me? I'm surprised I haven't been able to conquer any of them. I would have thought understanding some of my fears would have allowed me to eventually move past them. If I stood before my father today I'd like to think I would no longer be the same cowering child I used to be. Unfortunately my fear landscape tells me I am still afraid of my father. Every time I go through the simulation I freeze in terror when I meet him. Will I ever get over it? I have also come to realize that by training for combat I have become a lethal person. It scares me. Sometimes I sense a true darkness in myself. Are those traits I have inherited from Marcus or have I learned those things from Dauntless? I don't know who the woman is in my fear landscape; the one I have to shoot. But I do know that fears are rarely what they appear to be in simulations. I suspect she represents my capacity to kill. My fear of confinement makes sense to me. I understand how being locked in a small closet as a child could do that to a person but that was a long time ago. And heights? Where did that one come from?

I have come to understand that no one is ever without fear, and that's okay. I've changed my perspective of fear. I know now that there will always be some things I'm afraid of and that is true for everyone. I now believe how you face your fear and deal with it is what's important. Becoming fearless isn't the point – that's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear and how to be free from it.

I shift my weight and draw my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs, pulling my shoes out of the spray of the water. I listen to the roar of the crashing water against the rocks. The solitude I find in this place never lasts long enough for me. I check my watch and decide I still have a few more minutes before I need to leave to meet the new initiates. I close my eyes and lose myself in my memories again.

It was about a year ago while I was at work in the control room when a message was sent to my computer from an anonymous sender. The message itself was coded but I remember how fast my heart started beating when I saw the subject line – it read "blue glass sculpture." To my knowledge only two other people knew about the forbidden object my mother had given me. My mother was dead and I never wanted to see my father again. The code was not difficult to break. The message gave brief instructions to meet at the train yard at a specific time. I didn't sleep at all that night, trying to figure out who could have sent me that message. Tears filled my eyes as I remembered when my mother died. I loved my mother. My mother and I shared secrets. She was the only one who was sometimes able to protect me from Marcus. I was only six years old but I knew there were times my father hit her too. I wasn't able to protect her.

I was awakened early one morning by the sound of many voices. I had crept downstairs to see what was going on when I discovered the house was full of Abnegation members. Marcus was sitting in a chair in the kitchen, not moving, not speaking. An elderly woman whom I barely recognized as the wife of an elder was the first to notice me. She immediately came to me and wrapped her arms around me. She explained to me in a sorrowful voice that my mother had gone to heaven. The next days were a blur to me. People in and out of the house constantly. I just wanted them to all go away. I just wanted my mother again. I was only told that my mother died due to complications during childbirth. The baby didn't live. Marcus always became angry whenever I mentioned my mother so I quickly learned not to speak about her anymore.

I hate Abnegation funerals although I really only remember two of them; my mother's and my aunt's. I was nine years old when Marcus's sister Elizabeth died. I stood by the window half hidden by the curtains in the living room. I remember a little girl with blonde hair kept staring at me. I remember wanting to run away and hide.

I decided to go to the train yard. I stood in the shadows to see who would meet me there. I knew it was her as soon as I saw her outline against the darkening sky. My mother was alive? My mother was alive! I think I was too in shock to say anything at first. She didn't hesitate but came forward to embrace me. I just stood there. She looked thin, old and worn.

She told me things I hadn't known. Marcus suspected she had been unfaithful to him. He questioned if the unborn baby was his child but Evelyn insisted it was. There had already been talk among the council member leaders about what they should do to handle the situation. She was afraid that Marcus would harm her and the baby. She felt she had no other choice but to leave to protect herself.

I completely understood that. I had felt the same way. I had to leave Abnegation too, to protect myself from my father.

"I had to leave Tobias! Do you understand?" she had asked.

No. I didn't understand. I thought she was dead and now she is alive. If she had to leave, why didn't she take me with her? She left me alone with a cruel father who took his anger and frustration out on me. She let me believe all those years that she was dead.

"Your sister was born three weeks later. I named her Emily. She was beautiful."

A sister? I had always wanted a brother or sister. I never even got to see her.

"She became very sick and died a few days later," I barely heard the words as she whispered them.

"Tobias?" My mother had asked while searching my face for some type of response.

I remember how her expression changed, hardened, when I still said nothing. I had wanted to say something, but I couldn't think of anything. My mind was too full – trying to process everything she was telling me. She seemed to talk more to herself as she continued.

"I found out later he told everyone I had died. I think that was for your benefit. I'm sure some of the leaders suspected I was still alive but Abnegation does not tolerate spreading rumors or gossiping. Perhaps they saw my funeral as symbolic and chose to go along with it to protect you and the innocent Abnegation members. How convenient that my "death" would spare him the embarrassment of the situation and he would have the sympathy of the community as well. I always believed you would be alright. I thought you would be better off with him than with me. Life among the Factionless has been difficult but things are changing. People are starting to believe the faction system doesn't work. I asked you to meet me here because I want you to join me…I believe we can change the future of this city."

I finally found my voice. "How could I ever do that?" I had asked.

"The Factionless aren't as bad as you might think," she had replied.

The Factionless? She thinks this is about the factions? Does she really not understand what I've been through? Does she not understand what she did to me?

"No," I said. I had turned and walked away shaking my head. I refused to listen to anything more she had to say.

I've thought many times about what she told me that night. I wasn't surprised to hear that Marcus had lied to me but other Abnegation leaders had gone along with it and knowingly deceived me too?

"People are starting to doubt the faction system," she had said. What exactly does that mean? The factions are what our existence are based on – what would our society be apart from them? And what would it take to change the whole system? Revolution? I don't know that I do believe in the faction system anymore. But do I want to join my mother in some war against our government? I want to love her. I want to forgive her. But she betrayed me. How could I ever trust her again?

When I began my job in the control room after initiation I was surprised to learn that Dauntless was under constant surveillance. That is not common knowledge. I immediately understood the blue lights throughout the compound secretly contained hidden cameras. At first it bothered me that my every move could be monitored. I still don't like the idea but I've slowly grown desensitized to it and don't think about it much anymore. There are very few areas where there is true privacy within the compound. Of course there are no cameras in the leader's apartments – none that I've discovered yet anyway. And I haven't found any evidence of a camera in my own small apartment. I'm not completely convinced that one doesn't exist though. While most of the other control room techs enjoy spying on their fellow members during the long hours of their shifts I prefer to explore the computer network I have access to. I don't consider myself to be a great computer hacker but I want to be as informed as possible about what is going on around me. Covering my tracks has been easy. At least I think I have covered my tracks well. The one private place I have discovered is my spot deep within the chasm. A narrow path that blends in with the uneven rock wall follows the edge of the Pit and leads down among the large stones just above the water. There is a camera that overlooks the river but all that can be seen is the trail disappearing among the rocks. There are half a dozen other cameras that give a better view of anything going on around the chasm so this camera isn't monitored and is usually in an inactive status. Every shift I work in the control room I check this camera to make sure it has remained unused. The few times it has been turned on for some reason I always check the footage and then make sure the camera is deactivated again. I like to escape to this spot when I want to be alone; a place where I know for sure that no one is watching me. The roar of the water is loud so I can't say it's quiet there but at least it is secluded. To my knowledge I've never been caught on video going there.

I have wondered why we are being monitored at all. What is the point? Dauntless are the ones who are supposed to provide security so why are we being surveyed? Slowly the pieces of the puzzle began to come together in my mind. The answer is control. We are watched to make sure our actions match our words. That is why being divergent is dangerous. The divergent aren't predictable. The divergent do not accept and follow the rules without question. But then I discovered that it's not just the Dauntless that are watching us. It was months before I found a way to get through the network security and realized the Erudite also have access to the Dauntless network and can see all our surveillance. Spies have been watching the spies. But what possible reason could Erudite have for wanting to know what the Dauntless do? Do all the factions have similar surveillance courtesy of the Erudite? Is the whole city secretly being watched from Erudite headquarters? What about the security on the fence that surrounds the city? What lies beyond the fence? It was a midnight trip on the train to the fences' control room to help fix a computer glitch that I first noticed the lights were still on in Erudite after hours. Why would Erudite need light all night long? I solved that mystery just a few weeks ago and I have no idea what to do with the information I discovered. From the documents I saw I believe Erudite is planning to attack Abnegation.

I look at my watch and realize I have been lost in my thoughts for too long. The new initiates will be arriving soon. I get up and start back towards the Pit.