Hey, I'm procrastinating, but for those of you who wanted Tony, here you go.
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Rules regarding one STARK, ANTHONY EDWARD, as decreed by Director Fury, Director Coulson, various personal of SHIELD, SI, the Avengers and JARVIS.
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1) Do not insult his intelligence.
"…which, of course, is essentially insinuating that even though I have graduated from MIT, and done numerous things at ages you were still learning to talk at, despite the fact that although I did inherit a fortune when dear ol' Dad kicked the bucket, I had to maintain it somehow, hence the billionaire. I also managed to delay the Norse God of Mischief, Trickery and Lies, and yet you tell me that I don't understand? My dear fellow, you may need to get your head checked…"
"What did you do, Loki?"
"Nothing, Lady Vir…Pepper. Well, nothing much. I merely asked Stark about the places of learning, and this gentleman interrupted. Tony took offense at being called an 'insufferable whelp who has no idea what he was talking about'."
"Ah. I see."
- Loki, Pepper and a stupid person
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2) Don't tell him that it's impossible. You will inevitably look like a fool when he completes it.
"Jarvis! Cue the 'Hallelujah Chorus'! Alert the press! My invention is complete!"
"Yes sir. Shall I also start preparing the copyright papers as well as the copyright infringements you have committed?"
"Absolutely. BRUUUUUCCCCEEE!"
"What have you done?"
"Science Bro! Behold, the LIGHTSABRE!"
"Dear God."
- Bruce, JARVIS
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3) Pants are mandatory. No exceptions
"Sweet Jaysus! For Lord's sake, put some pants on! I really don't want to see your Limited Edition Captain America boxers parading around in the workshop, no matter how tired or drunk you are! I thought you were supposed to be respectable!"
- Darcy
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4) Repulsor tech testing is confined to the lab
"TONY!"
"Yes, Pepper dearest? Rhodey! What a surprise! Fancy seeing you…"
"Cut the crap Tony. I know it was you testing new tech over the new base."
"It most certainly was not! I've been here since…"
"Tony, the Secretary of Defence is breathing down my neck. If you test anywhere near a Military base again, you will be shot out of the sky and the tech will be confiscated to be used by the Armed Forces."
"Oh. But it wasn't me! I've been here for…"
"20 minutes, sir, after you tested the Mark 48."
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"Traitor."
- Rhodey, Pepper, JARVIS
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5) Laser Tag is forbidden
"Nice bra, Natalia. I'm surprised that it could…OW!"
"You're a dead man, Stark!"
"But its laser tag! You're supposed to use lasers!"
"Not the real ones. But, of course, I have some in my Widow Bites that are itching to be tested…"
- Natasha
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6) Don't touch his cars
"I apologise, Man of Iron. I had not realised that this beast was not, in fact, sentient, and was merely coming for you after you had commanded it to. I shall endeavour not to attack it in the future."
- Thor
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7) Don't wake him up with water.
"Wakey wakey Stark! Time to face the day and….Tony? Hey, Tony, snap out of it! Toooonnnnnyyyyyyy!"
"I…won't…build…it…fuck…off…"
"Um…I'll be going, then…"
- Clint
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8) Don't throw him in the pool
"I don't care how hot it is! I'm not going swimming!"
"Come on, Stark. Water won't hurt."
"Like hell it will, Cat-boy. I thought you'd be helping me stay out!"
"Stark, you've instigated six fights in the past week because of the heat. You even made Ms Lewis cry! You need to cool off."
"Coulson, the arc reactor isn't…."
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"JARVIS, alert medical and Dr Banner. We may need to perform an emergency surgery."
"Yes, Agent Coulson. Might I also take the time to add: I told you so."
- Coulson, Black Panther, JARVIS
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9) No water fights
"CHARGE!"
"Ah, wait a second Thor, I'm exempt from this…"
"NONE SHALL ESCAPE THE WRATH OF THE MIGHTY THOR!"
"Brother, I don't think that this is the wisest course of action…"
"BROTHER, DOTH THOU BETRAY ME?"
"Big guy, you're taking this way too seriousl….."
"THOR YOU BUFFOON! JARVIS, ALERT MEDICAL AND BANNER!"
Brother, I…"
"Shut up, Thor, or by the Norns I will kill you for real this time. Tony, are you al…how bad?"
"Bad…case…wall…pi…"
"Tell me, Odinson, what made you think that throwing water around in a workshop full of electrical equipment was a good idea?"
- Thor, Loki
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10) Give him coffee in the morning before you talk to him
"Morning Tony!"
"…kishflermegaddermeflegger…"
"What?"
"…fishoofffgummikaffoneine…"
"Tony, you're not making any sense."
"…gummiledannikaffineneorleimmmadeeee….."
"Coffee?"
"…bouuuuuttttimmmmmeeee…"
- Pepper
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11) If he has not emerged from him lab in 4 days, drag him out.
"UNHAND ME! BRUUUUUCE!"
"No, Tony. Bucky, take him to his room and lock him in there please, while Natasha locks down JARVIS. Tony, working for 4 days straight isn't healthy."
"Shut up, Captain Spangly Outfit!"
"Thor, can we have a hand? Tony, you need to rest. The Avengers have a mission in three days, and I will not have you underperforming."
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"Why Captain, I didn't know you felt that way about me? Maybe sometime we could get together and…fondue….."
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"What is this fondue the Man of Iron speaks of?"
"Long story."
- Steve, Bucky, Thor
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12) Don't trust everything he tells you to look up
"Peter, what are you…?"
"Hey, Ms Romanoff!"
"Natasha…"
"…Mr Stark gave me some links to check out, something about biochem research in Russia. Anyway, there's this really great program called the Black Widow, and it's like the Captain America serum (so cool that he's out of ice) but modified for women and…urk!"
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"Stark, I wish to talk to you about what you are showing malen'kiy pauk."
"Nicknames already, Rushmanoff? I didn't know you had a sense of hum…urk!"
"I don't, Stark. Don't ever show malen'kiy pauk that sort of stuff again, or else…."
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- Natasha, Peter Parker
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13) Don't bring up Howard
"So, what happened to Howard? Is he still around?"
"Of course not! Dear ol' Daddy was never around, always searching for Captain fucking America and his best friend while screwing women and inventing crazy shit to kill people, before finally deciding to settle down after he got a friends friend pregnant. Would this keep him at home, you ask? No, it did NOT! Still chasing around trying to find the Glorious Captain, instead of staying at home and being with his son. I tried, I really did. I mean, who else builds a circuit board at four? Who? WHO?"
"Yeah, umm, James, or Bucky or whatever? We don't talk about Howard."
"Oh."
- Bucky, Rhodey
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14) Never use anything other than StarkTech in his presence.
"What is that monstrosity!?"
"Um, an iPod?"
"How dare you use such trash in my presence! As of today, you are getting an upgrade!"
"Mr Stark, I don't think that…"
"Don't think, drink. I'll be back with TRUE technology!"
"But I…never mind."
- Jane
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15) Revoke his computer rights at your risk.
"Sir, I'm afraid Agent Coulson has shut down all internet access for the Tower, and is in the process of shutting me down as well."
"What? Why?"
"Agent Coulson says, and I quote, sir, "Get your ass out of SHIELD files or else we will release every dirty little thing we have on you and your father and shut down the Tower indefinitely", end quote."
"That no good, slimy, stuck-up, conniving…"
"Goodnight, sir. I wish you better in the morning. FRIDAY will be taking over until otherwise."
"Jarvis…COULSON!"
- JARVIS, Coulson
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16) Avoid putting him in the same room as Fury. For everyone's sake
"Hey, it's the Dread Pirate Roberts! Or Fury, or whatever."
"Stark…"
"Tell me, have you managed to create more weapons of mass destruction?"
"Stark."
"Destroyed any more helicarriers?"
"Stark."
"Released millions of top secret files to the world?"
"That was Romanoff."
"Details. Faked your death?"
"Stark."
"Broke into someone's hou…ack!"
"Shut. The. Hell. Up. Stark."
- Fury.
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17) Let him get plastered on the anniversary of his parents deaths at your peril.
"Howard waasshhh a compete…competent…utter bashtard, you know? Alwaysh the "Don't do thish, don't do that, lesh shearsh for Captain Goldilocksh and the shtupid Tessar…tester…cube thingy…and Auntie Pegsh. She waasshh the beshtesh aunty eva! She made time for me, sho why couldn't…hic!..Dad? Becaush he waash a loosher! Mumshie didn't desherve him…"
"Dr Banner? How long has he been like this?"
"About three hours, why?"
"Put this in his next drink. It'll send him to sleep."
"Thank you."
. - Bruce and Natasha
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18) Never deny him access to upgrade your armour. His stuff works.
"Heeeeyyyy, Steve ol' buddy ol' pal? When was the last time your armour got an upgrade?"
"Hi Tony. Um…just before SHIELD fell, why? I didn't think it needed upgrading for another, oh, seventy odd years."
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"Did you just make a joke?"
"I don't know, did I? Listen, Tony, I don't think I need an upgrade. It's bulletproof, fireproof, waterproof and whatever else SHIELD could think of. I should be set."
"What about that helmet?"
"Leave the helmet out of this."
"Steve, buddy…"
"It has sentimental value, okay?"
"If you ever change your mind, preferably before you lose an eye…"
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(Aftermath of next battle)
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"Almost lost an eye there, Stevie. I can put some plates into the eyeholes, but you don't want an upgrade…"
"Tony?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Fix the helmet. Please."
"All you had to do was ask."
. - Steve
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19) Steal a suit? Die.
"Do you like it? I made improvements, Stark! My suit is the superior one now, and I shall defeat you once and for all, as you defeated my father's dreams of a company 10 years ago!"
"I seem to have heard this before…"
"If he says his daddy is Vader, I'm shooting his ass outta the sky."
"You are pathetic, Stark! Even your security was no match for my intelligence!"
"Hold up, did he just…
"Second thoughts, he's all yours, Tony."
"I stole the suit right out from under your nose, and you didn't even notice! So much for the famed intelligence of…where did he go? You! Legolas wannabe! Where did he go?"
"Behind you."
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"Don't take my stuff."
- Clint, Generic Villain #205
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There we go, all done. It has taken me a year to update, and I am ashamed; DISHONOUR ON ME, DISHONOUR ON MY COW!
Thank you for waiting patiently… Read and review?
Cheers,
Siofra