Chapter One

Night time in New York is beautiful. Well, sometimes it is. You can't really see the stars, the light pollution from the city is too strong. But sometimes the lights are beautiful. If you are somewhere high up. Well, pretty much everything is beautiful when it's viewed from a distance. It just depends on your mood, really. And that's my problem, I guess. I can't view anything from a distance. At least, not anything that matters. I know my life hasn't been as hard as it could have been, I got lucky there, I guess. I suppose I've been lucky in a lot of things. But I've never earned that luck. I've never earned any of it.

As long as I can remember, I've just been able to know things. It's not guessing, because I've never been wrong. And it's not just anything, it's lies. I always know when someone is telling a lie. Even if it's a half truth, I can just tell. And I hate it. My life has been good. But I'm tired of the lies. Every single person lies to me. Every one. And I can't stand it. I've spent all of my life waiting for the one person who won't lie to me, and they never showed. I know it's still early in my life to be giving up, but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep waiting, and I can't keep being alone. I am just so... tired. Of everything. And I know they all say it gets better, but it really doesn't. I'm alone, in the biggest city in America. I've always been alone, and that will never change, so I'm done. And I'm not sorry at all.

-Cas

'Well, as suicide notes go, that is an unusual one for sure,' she thought as she waved the paper back and forth to dry the ink. She was sure the cops would find it weird anyway. She didn't have any family left, and she had never been good at keeping friends. She didn't have a job anymore, so really, the only reason she even bothered leaving a note was so that the cops wouldn't think she was murdered or anything.

Cas had never been afraid to die, she was actually quite curious about it, but she'd never had a reason to go before. Now, she didn't have a reason to stay. And she refused to go through life drifting. She had tried it before and hated it. She needed an anchor. Something to keep her here. And she didn't have one anymore. She didn't think she ever would have one again. She couldn't get attached to people, they all lie, and she hated knowing about it. But she couldn't turn it off, she didn't know how. She wished she did. She wished she could just not care about it, at the very least. But it was the only thing she couldn't make herself not care about. She didn't care about anything else, she had learned not to, but that one thing always stuck around. No matter how much she tried not to care about people lying to her, it always hurt when it happened, even though she was expecting it. And she was tired of it hurting. Everything hurt. And she was exhausted. She hadn't slept in days, she couldn't. Every time she closed her eyes she would start thinking about all the biggest lies she had been told, the ones that had changed things. There was always a turning point, in everything, and it always revolved around a lie. And she was done with it.

She folded the note and set it on top of the empty desk in her living room. Well, really, the apartment only had one room, and a bathroom. So her living room was also her bedroom. And kitchen. But she had sectioned it off, using a folding screen divider to cut off her bed from the rest of the room, and two waist high book shelves to divide the kitchen part and the living room part. She liked the little apartment, though she could definitely afford a bigger place. When her parents had died they had left her everything they had. She'd had enough to put herself through college and get her own place and still have a lot left over to live off of. And she had always had a job, she couldn't just sit around and do nothing, so the money had built up over the years. She couldn't bring herself to sell her old childhood home, but she didn't want to live in the suburbs, so the house remained unused. She wondered what would happen to it after she was dead, since she didn't have a will. Or any living relatives.

She glanced around the apartment one last time, making sure everything was how she wanted it to be found. Everything was meticulously cleaned and straightened, all the clothes were folded or hung neatly, the bed was made, the cupboards organized, the floors scrubbed. It looked as it normally did. Like no one really lived there. She closed the door and locked it with the single key she carried, then tucked it into her pocket and straightened her shoulders. It was a little chilly outside, which she didn't realize till she got to the street. She was still wearing the clothes she had worn though the warm day, a thin sleeveless blouse and shorts. Now she wished she had grabbed a sweater, but it was too late for that. She kept walking. It was only four blocks from her apartment to the subway, then two blocks from the subway to the base of the Empire State Building. She knew it was cliche, but she had always loved the building, and the sight from the top of it. Yes, the tours to the top stopped around nine, and it was nearly midnight now, but the building was always open in the lobby, and she was planning on taking the stairs, which she had only done once before, when the elevator had broken down and she had really needed somewhere to think. She had almost jumped that time too, but she hadn't. She wasn't sure why, exactly. It just hadn't felt like the right time. This time did.

Fifteen minutes later, she was getting off the train and walking the two blocks to the Empire State Building. She paused at the bottom of the building and looked up. She couldn't see the top from the very bottom, it was too dark, so she shrugged and walked around the last corner to the front doors, and stopped dead. There were way more lights on than normal, and through the windows, she could see the crowded lobby, full of people dressed in fancy clothes and holding cups of wine. She groaned in frustration. Of course she would have to pick a day when an event was happening. She glanced back the way she had come, then back at the building, making up her mind. If there was a party, there would be staff. All she had to do was find where they came and went, and sneak in that way. Once she was on the stairs no one would see her, most people used the elevator. Especially since the stairs were made as an emergency exit and weren't supposed to be used by anyone unless there was a fire.

Cas watched the front of the building for a few moments. There was a valet, but he was bringing cars up, not taking them away, so the event must be coming to an end. She walked past them, acting like she was just walking past the building, and they ignored her. When she reached the other side of the doors, she stopped in the shadows and leaned against the building, thinking. She was just debating if she could sneak in the front doors when a darker side door opened beside her. She ignored the person coming out of it, but made sure to catch the door before it closed all the way, and waited until the man had walked a few steps away before she slid into the building. She glanced around for only a few moments before realizing where she was and grinning. That door had opened directly into the stairwell. That had been lucky. She started up the stairs, hoping that no one on the first floor was looking up at the landing, where there was a wide window to let light into the stairwell. She didn't pause before the window, just walked past it like she belonged. She had learned a long time ago that if you acted like you were supposed to be there, no one would notice you. She still let out a sigh of relief when she reached the third floor. From there on up there were no windows into the stairwell. Her legs began to burn then too, but she ignored it. There were 102 floors in the building, but the observation deck she wanted to go to was on the 86th floor. Last time it had taken her 45 minutes to get there. This time, she was walking slowly, giving herself time to think. Her legs still burned, and her lungs began to burn too, after the fifteenth floor. She wasn't in bad shape, she went running every day, and she didn't eat a lot of junk food, but these stairs were horribly steep. Finally, at nearly one in the morning, she was on the right floor. She stopped before the door to the observation deck and let out a sigh. She pushed one door open, hoping it wasn't locked. It swung open easily and she smiled. Another lucky chance, she hadn't though about the deck being locked until she'd arrived. She walked out onto the platform and shivered. The wind up here was much stronger, and she was covered with sweat from the climb up which chilled her even more. She closed the door quietly behind her and walked to the edge of the deck to lean on the barrier for a moment, catching her breath at last as she stared out over the lights of the city.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there. She wasn't thinking about anything in particular, she was just appreciating the view one last time. Finally, she looked around and found a big enough opening in the safety wall they had built to prevent people from jumping, or falling, off the building, and she wriggled through it carefully, clinging onto the thin strips of metal to push herself through. She was lucky she was tiny. She had never topped 5'2" and she had always had narrow hips and no curves to speak of. If she had been any bigger, she wouldn't have been able to fit through the wall. It was still a little difficult, the larger sections were above the reach of any children, so it took her a few minutes to get through.

She guessed it to be about two in the morning now, the city was quieter at this time than any other part of the day, though it was still teeming with life. She stood on the edge of the platform, gripping the metal strips of the fence behind her tightly, as she stared out over the city. It was exhilarating, being this high up, in the open. It was so much more exciting on this side of the fence. She felt like she could fly. She let out a half sob, half laugh at the thought, and realized she was crying. Why was she crying? She wasn't sad at all. Just excited. She had never belonged in this world, maybe now she would find somewhere she fit in.

She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes, holding the air in her lungs for a few moments. Finally, she let it out and frowned, opening her eyes. Why hadn't she jumped? She was ready. Her grip loosened on the fence, and she leaned forward slightly, taking in another breath.

"Please don't jump," a voice behind her said softly, and she nearly fell in surprise. She didn't look behind her though, just opened her eyes again.

"Why not?" She asked the man behind her, taking another deep breath to make her voice calm.

"Because you don't want to," he said, his voice calm, as though they were talking about the weather over a cup of coffee. But he wasn't lying, at least, he didn't think he was. She could tell.

"And how could you possibly know that?" She asked patiently.

"Because you've been up here for two hours and you still haven't done it. If you wanted to, you would have already," he said, his voice closer to her now. She frowned. Two hours? She adjusted her grip and looked down again. He was right, she had been putting it off a bit. But that didn't mean she didn't want to jump.

"You are probably right," she said softly. If she had been ready to jump, she would have already, like he said. It didn't feel like the right time to her, though she didn't really know why. As soon as she had realized that, her feet moved forward a little bit, the toes of her shoes now over the edge of the platform, and her grip loosened a little more.

"So why don't you come back to this side of the fence?" He asked, his voice directly behind her. She could hear the shake in it now. He was scared. For her? He didn't know her. At least, she didn't recognize the voice.

"Why are you up here?" She asked, ignoring his suggestion. She frowned though, she didn't want anyone to be here when she jumped. It would probably hurt them, emotionally. She knew it must be hard to watch someone die, and she didn't want that to happen to this person, whoever he was, even though she didn't know him.

"I saw you walking up the stairs earlier. You didn't look like someone from the party so I followed you. No one takes the stairs," he said, and she almost smiled. She could imagine him shaking his head, as though saying, "you're crazy" with a little smile on his face, though she didn't know what he looked like.

"Why would you follow me? Why not just tell security?" She asked. She knew there was a security detail for the building, but she also knew they didn't really do their jobs right, since on her previous visits she had managed to explore a lot of the building that was probably off limits to tourists, and she had never been kicked out.

"You looked sad," he said, and she could hear the shrug in his voice, though it still shook a little.

"I'm not sad. What's your name?" She asked, letting the breeze blow her hair into her face.

"Barney," he said. "What's yours?"

"Cas," she said, smiling. "Nice to meet you."

"Can you please come back in here?" He asked, slightly impatiently. She grinned.

"I could," she said, nodding. He waited a few moments to see if she would move. When she didn't he let out a huff of breath. She smiled again, then frowned as she heard him moving again. Was he leaving? She hadn't meant to make him angry. Suddenly the nearly solid wall of metal strips that formed the fence moved a little, and she couldn't help but glance back for a second. He was climbing through the same hole she had used, feet first to brace himself so he could get the rest of him though. He was a little quicker to get through then she had been, but his face was completely pale, and his grip on the metal strips was much tighter than hers was. The knuckles on his hand nearest to her were white.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her words coming out in a hiss. She saw him glance down and swallow before he looked over at her. His hair was as light as hers, and he had a nice face, she supposed, though she couldn't tell what color his eyes were in the lack of light.

"If you jump I'll jump," he said, sounding a little winded, though she guessed that was just nerves.

"Why would you do that?" She asked, frowning. He wasn't lying.

"Because I don't want you to jump," he said, not taking his eyes off the ground.

"And why would that keep me from jumping? I don't even know you," she asked, though she was sure now that she wouldn't be jumping today.

"I don't know," he said, his grip tightening on the metal. She sighed.

"Fine, go back inside, I won't jump," she said, looking down again. She wasn't scared, but he obviously was, and she really didn't like causing people to be stressed. He glanced at her, his mouth forming a frown, though he raised an eyebrow in question. "I promise I won't jump."

"Wow, I really didn't think that would work. Why the change of mind?" He asked, though he was already pulling the upper part of his body back up though the hole.

"There are hundreds of ways to die," she said, sidling along the edge of the platform so she could pull herself back through the hole like he had. "And there's always tomorrow to find one of them." Her voice was light and calm.

He waited until she had found the opening in the fence and pulled the top half of herself through before he spoke again.

"There's always tomorrow to not die too," he muttered, clamping one of his hands around her wrist as she got her feet through the hole and caught her balance. He pulled her all the way across the platform and back into the building in silence. She shrugged at his comment, letting this stranger pull her along. Inside, he took off his suit jacket and handed it to her. She pulled it on with a smile, not realizing just how cold she had been until that moment. He grabbed her wrist again and pulled her down the hall past the stair door.

"Where are we going?" She asked calmly, and he glance back at her.

"Downstairs," he said, his voice a little harsh.

"We should take the stairs. There's that event," she said, but trailed off with a frown.

"It's over. I was at it," he said, coming to a stop at the elevator door and pushing the button. As they waited in silence, she looked him over. He was attractive, about her age, maybe a little older. And he hadn't lied to her yet. Maybe that was why she let him drag her along. The elevator ride down was silent too, as was the walk from the elevator out the front of the building and a little ways down the street. He had released her wrist when they hit the ground floor, but he walked between her and the road, on purpose she suspected, not looking at her. She could have left, he wasn't dragging her along anymore, but she didn't really have anywhere to go. So she just walked beside him in silence. From the corner of her eye she could see that his eyebrows were drawn, and his hands, tucked inside his pockets, were balled into fists. She frowned.

"Are you okay?" She asked at last as they came to another street and dodged a few people on the sidewalk. It must have been around five in the morning, business people were starting to come out onto the streets again in suits and professional clothes, and the sun was just peeking over the horizon.

He stopped suddenly, turning toward her with a frown and two raised eyebrows.

"Am I okay?" He repeated. "Of course I'm okay. Are you okay?" He asked, obviously frustrated. He was half lying about being okay. She could tell.

"I'm fine," she said, shrugging and glancing around them. "You want some coffee?" She said, pointing over her shoulder to the cafe behind her. He stared at her for another minute, frowning, then shrugged.

"Sure, why not," he said, walking with her toward the door.

"That's just what every girl wants to hear," she said sarcastically. She saw the corner of his mouth twitch up in an almost smile.

"So, Cas, what were you doing on top of the Empire State Building?" He asked when they had gotten their coffee. They had both agreed they would rather keep walking then sit in the cafe, so they were back on the streets which now glowed in the rising sun as the city began to wake up.

"Oh, you know, just admiring the view," she said, sipping her coffee. He shook his head, then smiled. "Why were you going to jump?" The smile disappeared.

"I wasn't really going to," he said.

"Liar," she said, though she smiled. He glanced at her, and raised an eyebrow again.

"Well, there's nothing major going on in my life right now. It might be interesting to jump from the top of the Empire State Building," he said in a joking voice, but she could tell he wasn't lying.

"Interesting," she repeated quietly, then shook her head. "So, Barney," she began. "Where are we going?"

"Don't you want to go home?" He asked, moving aside to let someone walk past them.

"Nah, I'm not really tired," she said, shrugging. She had been tired when she left her apartment, but now she was wide awake. Maybe that's what standing on the edge of a thousand foot drop did to a person. Maybe it was just the coffee. "Though if you want to get home, or to work or something, I can go," she said, then frowned slightly. She actually enjoyed the mans presence. Weird.

"Nah," he said. "I don't have any friends and I can call in sick to work whenever I want. Beside's, it's Friday, there's no reason to work on a Friday," he said, grinning.

"You don't have any friends? Why not?" She asked, though she couldn't really talk. She didn't have any either. She could tell that wasn't the main point of the sentence, but he wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't bothering him. That much she knew about people.

"I mean, I have a few," he said with a shrug. "Not any close ones though."

"Why not go make some then?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It's not that easy you know," he said, smiling.

"You are very charismatic. You could just walk up to someone and tell them you are their new best friend, and you will probably become their new best friend," she said, grinning now.

"Hm, I wonder if that line would work on a chick," he said in a mockingly curious voice.

"Yeah, try that," she said, just as sarcastically.

"Challenge Accepted!" He said, then adopted a thinking face.

"I was joking," she said, slightly worried.

"Tonight at nine we are going to McGee's pub, you know where that is?" He asked, not really paying attention, though she did nod. "And I will complete this challenge. You have to be there to witness it." She stared at him for a moment, then shook her head, a smile on her lips.

"You are insane," she said, smiling.

"The insanest," he agreed, straight faced. She looked at him for a half a second, then burst into laughter. He laughed too.

"Alright, McGees at nine. Sounds great," she said, shaking her head. Then she frowned for a moment. "Actually, can we make it MacLarens? It's closer to my house, it's on-"

"I know where it is, and fine. MacLarens, nine," he said, nodding. They stood there awkwardly for a moment.

"Um, so, I should go," she began at the same time he said "I don't usually do this but do you want to get breakfast?"

"Oh, that's fine, I'll-" he said, as she said, "That actually sounds really good."

They both laughed and this time, she was the one grabbing his wrist and dragging him down the street to a different cafe that she knew was good.

"Is here okay? They make really good pancakes," she said, grinning.

"Sure," he said, letting her pull him through the door. They sat down and picked up their menu's in silence, each one looking over the choices. As she sat, Cas began to feel how tired she really was, but she didn't want to leave. This was the most conversation she'd had outside of work in years. She held back a yawn as the waitress took Barney's order, then turned to her.

"I'll have a single order of pancakes, and a cup of coffee please," she said, closing her menu and setting it aside. The waitress walked away and they returned to silence again. "So, you said you usually don't do breakfast?" She asked curiously. He just nodded. "Why not?"

"Because when you buy a girl breakfast she gets ideas," he said, shrugging, though his mouth turned up into a smirk. She raised an eyebrow. "Also I make it a rule to be gone before the morning."

"Oh, so you are one of those guys who picks up girls for the night and ditches them? Usually you pick them up by lying right?" She asked, trying to sound disapproving.

"Pretty much," he said, smirking at her.

"I see," she said, and took a sip of the scalding coffee the waitress had brought her. Even though she was still wearing Barney's suit jacket, she was cold. "And breakfast the next morning gives the impression that you are sticking around," she said, nodding. She could see why girls would think that.

"Exactly," he said, sipping his own coffee, then making a face at the heat. She smiled.

"Makes sense," she said, nodding.

"Really? You are the first girl who didn't immediately say that I'm disgusting when I tell them that," he said, frowning in a joking manner. "Thanks so much," he said sarcastically. She smiled.

"Well, if you are lying to hook up with a girl and she falls for it she is either stupid, or had already decided earlier that night that she would be going home with someone. Either way, if you stick around till breakfast they will start to connect meaning to the night before, because only someone who cares about them would stay for the boring parts of life too, not just the sex or exciting things. You probably don't take girls out to dinner either. Giving a girl food is like saying that you want to take care of her, and subconsciously, she will attach meaning to any nourishing action you make," she shook her head and smiled. "I meant to say that if you stay around for breakfast it's no longer a one night stand, its a date."

"Exactly," he said again after a few seconds of silence.

"Sorry, I was a psychology major in college with a minor in creative writing. Sometimes I tend to go on and on about my point," she said, smiling wryly.

"Nah, you worded it perfectly. So that's why I don't do breakfast, usually," he said, nodding.

"Don't worry, I won't get any strange ideas from breakfast," she said, making him smile again.

"Good, because this isn't a date. It's me making sure some crazy chick doesn't jump in front of a car on her way home," he said, sounding sarcastic, but she didn't feel a lie in the words. She smiled.

"Thanks," she said softly, playing with her coffee cup and looking down as she spoke.

"If you are a psychologist…" he began questioningly, but trailed off.

"Why was I going to jump?" She asked, smiling a little again. He nodded. "Hearing about everyone else's problems doesn't make my own okay," she said, shrugging. "Actually, I wasn't jumping because of my own problems, I was jumping because I had no reason not to," she said.

"Oh," he said, then sat back in silence as the waitress brought out their food. They ate without conversation for ten minutes or so. Cas could only eat half of the pancake before she felt full. She hadn't been eating properly the last few weeks, her stomach must have shrunken. "I guess that's why I would have done it too," he said after a few minutes of her pushing pieces of pancake around her plate. She looked up at him, surprised. He wasn't lying. She watched him for a moment, then smiled.

"Well, now you have a reason," she said, smiling. He cocked his head to the side like a puppy and she had to keep herself from grinning.

"What?" He asked, frowning.

"You have a challenge to complete," she reminded him. "And I apparently have to see you complete it, so that's my reason," she added, her eyes crinkling in a smile.

"Yeah, definitely," he said, nodding as he finished his food. She reached for the check when the waitress brought it over, but he beat her to it. She smiled again.

"You have to let me pay for my food, otherwise it's a date," she said, nudging his arm as they got up to pay. He rolled his eyes at her.

"You can count it as a date if you want, but I'm not waiting for her to split the check," he said, his mouth turned up at the corners. She laughed at that.

"Fine. I'll just get you back later then," she said, and laughed again as he rolled his eyes again. They walked back out to the streets in silence, walking nearly three blocks before realizing they weren't going anywhere in particular. He turned to face her then.

"Are you okay to be alone?" He asked, looking in her eyes. Now she noticed that his eyes were a light blue color. She half smiled. They were nearly the same shade as her own.

"I'm not going to go find a bus to jump in front of, if that's what you're asking," she said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

"I'm serious," he said, his face letting her know he was.

"I am too," she said, her face now matching his. "I'll be fine. The moment passed, I'll have to wait for the next one, and it'll be a while." He watched her for a moment, then nodded and held out his phone to her. She frowned in confusion for a moment, glancing back up at him.

"Well?" He said after a second.

"What?" She asked, confused.

"Put your phone number in so I can call you if you don't show up at the bar later," he said as though it were obvious. She smiled and took the phone, again resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She put her number in, and changed her name to 'that girl you took out for a breakfast date' and locked the screen before handing it back, grinning.

"Was that just an excuse to get my number?" She asked, smiling playfully.

"Nah. You are too smart to fall for my tricks," he said, grinning. "I'll see you tonight then."

"Sure," she said, smiling again. "It's a date."

"No it's not," he said, frowning.

"I know, I'm kidding," she said, laughing at the look on his face. He rolled his eyes, then turned around and was gone.

Cas made her way to the subway, smiling the whole way home. She unlocked the door to her apartment and stopped just inside the door, looking around at the place again. It looked a lot different from when she had left. It seemed lighter, and more comforting. She toed off the shoes she was wearing and left them by the door, then ginned as she realized she was still wearing Barney's suit jacket over her short sliver blouse. She shrugged out of it, hanging it over the desk chair. She just barely managed to shed her shorts and shirt before falling into the bed, asleep instantly. She slept better than she had in months, finally not being woken by nightmares or being kept up by her thoughts.