So, since I last updated:

#1: I started grad school in September for my master's in special education at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. It was HARD to move 1,200 miles away from my life in Massachusetts, many tears were involved. Overall, it's gotten better and I got a 4.0 GPA for my fall semester (being smart is cool!).

#2: I went to Iceland in October with my mom and it was a dream. The prettiest country I've ever been to and it's filled with the best people life has to offer.

#3: I went home for winter break and surprised all my students and coworkers at school, I missed them oh so much. I'm teaching summer school this year which will be an adventure!

#4: I'm going skiing in Utah for spring break, may as well keep traveling while I can!

#5: I HOPE to not go another 7 months before I update again, but know that I have so many ideas to keep this story going so I hope you'll stick with me.

#6: If you want to follow me on Twitter, come be my friend - fearLIZness17

#7: I'd also really love it if you left a review! :)

The conversation between Elliot and Kat had meandered down many pathways over the course of two hours. The teenager was still sitting on the couch, a pillow placed on her lap as if it was a shield. She was cross legged, her back resting on the arm of the couch. Elliot sat on the other end, one leg dangling off the side as he propped on arm up on the back cushion, his hand resting on his head. Although she had talked for most of the time, Elliot had intently listened despite the burning regret he felt deep inside. He knew the conversation with Kat was bound to happen sooner or later. Elliot had been the one to remind her that he understood there was so much left to be said. She had so much on her own plate, he didn't want to add to it by demanding the conversation himself. He understood it had to happen naturally and Elliot had come to terms with that. Kat had detailed the many intricacies of her mother's emotions after Elliot's departure. Although some of the information was new to him, it forced him to truly realize the extent his actions had caused the ones he loved the most. He had been so self-involved in the time after he left that he ran towards the very things he had kept at bay for so long. Alcohol, the anger and depression were just a few of the many transgressions he became involved in.

Kat had been more composed throughout the heavy conversation than Elliot had originally thought. But then again, she wasn't the same carefree teenager he knew before. Life had gotten a lot harder for Kat in trying to pick up the pieces he left behind. She was the one who stepped in to try to fill the void in Olivia's life. She was forced to grow up during a time when a teenager's biggest worry should have been if their crush noticed them. Kat's days were filled with comforting her mother who had been blindsided all while suppressing her own emotions in an attempt to ease even one worry for Olivia.

It wasn't lost on Elliot that Kat had been dealing with her own personal demons for years and the conversation between the two of them had only touched the surface of them. She was just like Olivia in that way, too much too soon was the quickest way to lose them altogether. However, when Kat willfully talked about the voicemail Olivia left weeks ago, he knew that it was a window of opportunity to press further.

She was running her fingers through her hair when she heard Elliot's voice permeate the silence, "You forced me to realize how I singlehandedly destroyed my relationship with Liv at the time, and I knew it was a long time coming. I know the ins and outs of how she dealt with it all. But after all this, I just have one more question. What about you?"

Kat's hand stopped, strands of hair intertwined between her fingers as her eyes moved to meet his. Her mind was racing and Elliot knew it, he had seen that same look countless times from Olivia. The way her brown eyes shifted, the color darkening ever so slightly as she tried to keep her emotions at bay. Kat was a carbon copy of her mother which to Elliot, was his only saving grace. "I-I'm sorry," he started, watching as Kat's lips purse together across the couch, "you don't have to answer that, I wasn't thinking."

She shook her head, her hand pulling away as the tendrils of hair fell against her shoulders. Her voice was still as she spoke, "I just wasn't expecting it."

"Me asking?" Elliot replied, "Or me leaving?"

"Both," the teenager admitted, taking a minute to think about her next words. "I just didn't think it would ever happen."

"Believe me, I didn't think so either. Up until that day, I thought I would be there forever and once everything happened," Elliot snapped his fingers, "poof, it all changed the second I pulled the trigger. I couldn't have ever anticipated what came afterwards."

She saw him tense up as the last words left his mouth as if he was preparing for an onslaught of pent up emotions. "I don't want this to be an argument, I really don't." Kat sighed, "I'm not here to berate you for leaving, I'm sure you feel guilty enough already. I'm not going to yell or freak out on you either, you don't have to worry about that." She paused for a moment before continuing, "Truthfully, I don't even know what I want anymore."

"You're tired, I get it. Life has put you through the ringer, twice over and you're not even 18."

"I'm sorry for the things I said on the roof," Kat conceded, "I was angry, more like furious at a number of things, including you." Before she could continue, Elliot waved her off, "You don't have to do that, really. I deserved it and then some. You were protecting her, but also protecting yourself."

"Somebody had to, can you blame me"

His eyes looked down as his right hand made its way to the back of his neck, "I deserved that too."

"Life just really sucks sometimes, you know?"

"Tell me," Elliot softly stated. "I'm out on a limb here, Kat."

She nodded, her fingers making the air quote motion as she started, "My dad, if you could even call him that walked out the second I was going to be a blip in his perfect life. He left my mom high and dry while he just kept doing his thing. Never made an attempt to know me, nothing."

He tried to reassure her, even though his words would fall on deaf ears, "That's not even close to being your fault, I hope you know that."

"You know I didn't know what he looked like until I was 12?" Kat questioned, "Not that I should even care, I look nothing like him. I don't even know why I went looking in the first place. Some stupid kid at school questioned me on why I knew nothing about my real dad and the next thing I know, I'm digging through my mom's closet." She threw her hands up in the air as she continued, "I found a small box with stuff I was probably never supposed to see and there he was, they were at some bar in the Bronx. Can you imagine living a double life for that long?"

"For what it's worth, I never trusted him myself." Elliot threw his two cents in, "He had everyone wrapped around his finger, they were blind to what he was really about."

"And then there was you," Kat declared, her hand motioning towards Elliot, "you stepped up and she didn't even ask you to. You didn't even think twice about it, you just did. You were living two lives, and you made it look effortless. How come he just threw in the towel? Did he feel anything for her at all? For me?"

"I can't speak for him, and I don't know the motives behind what he did or why he did it." Elliot gently replied, his heart aching for the teenager who was questioning her biological father's love for her, "But what I can say, is that he missed out on two of the most incredible people I know. You're nothing like him, Kat. The only thing you have of his, is his DNA and that's it. Everything else comes from your mother. Your compassion, empathy, wicked sense of humor and joy are just a few of the many attributes you inherited. He's just the name on the birth certificate."

"But you had Kathy, and all of your kids to think about in addition to me and my mom." The teenager rebutted, trying to make sense of the thoughts that had been swirling around for years, "You raised them, and you helped raise me. How come it was so easy for you but so hard for him?"

"I never had to choose between either, and I think that's where the difference lies." He responded, his eyes meeting hers as he continued, "I always knew I was going to be a part of Liv's life and anything that came after, whether it was kids or relationships, followed suit in that mindset. When Mark left and Liv was left in the dust with you on the way, that never changed my commitment for the long haul."

"Didn't Kathy ever protest how much time you spent with us?"

It didn't take much to realize what Kat was doing, and Elliot knew it. She was trying to pinpoint an instance where she was seen as less in someone's eyes because that's what she had told herself over the years. "You were just as much a part of our family as I was in yours, Kat. There was never a question about that, there was always room at the table for you and your mom. The same went for vacations and any kind of celebration."

"And my mom just went with it?"

"I knew she questioned if it was enough, if you would be able to grow up and not have to question what might have been." Elliot willfully admitted, not knowing if Olivia had repeated it to her daughter at one point or another. "I never saw it that way and to a point, I guess I tried to fill that void in whatever way I could."

Kat solemnly nodded, one hand tucking her hair behind her ear before it rested back on the pillow in her lap, "She never told me that before."

"With all the crappy hands she was dealt in her own life, she really tried to do right by you."

"She did the best she could, in the way she knew how." Kat reiterated, in an attempt to reassure her own worries. "I never doubted her ability as a mother. I might have said some stupid things when I was angry, but deep down, I knew that the scars she had ran a lot deeper than she ever let on when I was a younger. I think that's why she trusted you so much."

"In what way?"

"Despite all her flaws, you saw her for her." The teenager expressed, her words sincere. "You never judged her for where she came from, the people she was related to, the relationships she maintained or the vulnerability she showed. You followed through on what you said when everyone else in her life hadn't. You showed up, and you continued to everyday of both your work life and personal life. When we needed you, there you were, without fail."

"And then I wasn't," Elliot whispered.

Kat nodded, repeating his words, "And then you weren't."

The room fell silent for a few moments, both Elliot and Kat succumbing to their thoughts. Her hands were clasped together neatly on the pillow in her lap, her thumb moving back and forth on top. Her eyes were cast downward, watching the movement in an attempt to will herself to forge through. It was a heavy load to bear, one that she had carried for so long and bringing it to light she found, was just as difficult. She quietly spoke, "I would tell kids at school you were my dad and your kids were my siblings. For a long time, I believed it because it was all I ever knew. I built this fantasy inside my head to account for a very real and very painful realization that my real dad didn't care about anyone but himself." Her eyes slowly wandered before meeting his as she continued, "When I came home the day Cragen told my mom about you turning your papers in, I thought someone died. She was a wreck which you now know, and it took a long time to coax what happened out of her. My world shattered just as much as hers did. I suppressed all of my emotions that day to take care of her when all I wanted was for you to come and be there, like you did a thousand times before. Life got a whole lot harder that day, Elliot."

"Please," he quietly pleaded, "I've heard bits and pieces from Liv, but I need to hear it from you."

"In all the time I knew you, it never once crossed my mind that you wouldn't be there." She replied, willing herself to remember how abandoned she truly felt. "I frantically tried to search for you. I went to all of our old places, asked anyone who would listen if they had seen you. I even called all of the jails in the area, hoping that you'd miraculously turn up."

"You thought I landed myself in jail?"

"I don't know what I thought," Kat sighed, her right hand running down her cheek as she continued, "I thought I had an obligation to at least try. If I didn't do it for me, at least I could tell her something. When things kept coming up empty, I just couldn't do it anymore."

Elliot was quiet, giving a small nod of recognition to the teenager. He couldn't have imagined how she felt, hitting walls time after time. Hearing it from her however, gave him a small glimpse into the damage he had caused. After taking a brief moment to collect herself, Kat pressed on, "I tried to keep up with Kathy and your kids. They still held their arms open despite the gaping hole you left in their family. It was never quite the same though."

"So I've heard, from them as well."

"Lizzie and I tried for a long time to keep our friendship alive. We still walked to school together and grabbed take-out from our favorite place for lunch everyday. We'd gossip about the boys in our classes and do our homework during free period so we could stay after school to watch football practice. Although we both thought about you constantly, we never talked about it to each other. Not even once. I knew it was just as painful for her as it was for me."

"You two were the best of friends at one point," Elliot reminisced on past times, the two girls were constantly mistaken for twins. "But I understand why you tried to keep up appearances in the wake of my departure."

"It wasn't even about appearances," Kat calmly counteracted, "In my mind, I thought if I went back to my routine, you'd somehow reintegrate back into it. Looking back, I was so stupid to think that would ever work."

"You told yourself what you had to in order to make it through the day, that's not stupid at all. You were trying to protect yourself from getting hurt any further."

"We grew apart not long after that," she quietly murmured, "It was slow at first, some mornings we would walk together and others I'd walk alone. She would get take-out for lunch and I'd eat in the cafeteria. Football practices didn't seem as interesting anymore and free period homework sessions were abandoned. We'd pass each other in the halls and smile, until even that stopped. It was too hard to pretend everything was fine when it really wasn't."

Before he could speak, she held up her hand and kept going, "It was the same with your other kids too. Maureen and I drifted, Kathleen too. The phone calls for advice became less and less. The whole older sister relationship I never had we once shared just faded. Dickie became distant to the point where he didn't acknowledge me at school and Eli was too little to understand anything. Even Kathy to a point, she tried so hard to preserve what we had. But, like the others, there came a day where it all stopped." Kat's voice wavered for a quick second, her breath hitching ever so slightly, "I never told my mom, I think deep down she knew but she never once asked."

"Because you thought if she asked what was happening with you, it would affect her own trajectory."

"I didn't want to add to it," Kat exclaimed, "She had Cragen on her back and the uni's in the squad room looking at her from every angle. Not to mention crippling depression and a slight drinking problem that she hid to every person around her, except me. At that point, I just existed."

"How so?"

"I stopped talking, it was as simple and as complicated as that. I figured it was easier to suffer in silence than it was to bring other people, including my mom down with me."

"You couldn't have known how everyone else would have reacted. Like Liv, you were grieving. They don't call it the seven stages of grief for kicks."

"I would come home from school and lock myself away in my room. I only came out to eat and even then, dinner wasn't much of a conversation anyways. I'd move food around my plate, avoiding any and all attempts at trying to get through to me. I put in the bare minimum effort and even still, that felt overwhelming." The teenager brushed away a strand of hair, her elbow resting on her knee, her hand pressed to the side of her head as she continued, "You know a teacher tried to get me to see the school counselor? I never went though. Instead, I put on some fake facade to pretend my life wasn't falling apart."

"Maybe your mom said something to your teacher?"

"Nah," Kat shrugged, "she was too far gone herself at that point. She hadn't scraped her heart up off the floor yet. I just went through the motions, day in and day out. I isolated myself from everyone. Cragen, Fin, Amanda, Nick, Munch, you name it. I kept everyone at arm's length just in case they were to walk out like you. At least I could have prepared myself in that aspect."

"If I just would have been in the right mindset, none of this would have happened." Elliot sadly confessed, "Jesus, what was I thinking?"

"I was numb, Elliot." Kat conceded, her voice just above a whisper. "I stopped letting myself feel things, it was silly of me to even try. I was heartbroken, devastated, shattered. Life moved on around me, and time in my world just stood still."

He nodded, knowing that words just weren't enough in this moment to come close to comfort for Kat. Although he had an idea of what the Benson's struggled with, nothing could have prepared him for what he was hearing from the teenager. She was his sixth child in a sense, an extension of him in every way and it pained him to know he was the cause behind all of her hurt. "That's when I started hanging around with Chris," she confessed, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Elliot knew where this was going, Liv had mentioned it in their talk weeks ago and Kat had hinted at it twice before. Even still, he gently pressed, "Who's Chris?"

"He was in my English class, never really noticed him until he took an interest in me. I brushed him off for a while and then I thought, what the hell and went for it." She threw one of her hands in the air before resting it back in her lap, "He'd bring me a bagel every morning before class or deliver a Diet Coke in my 6th period. Little things here and there, you know?"

"To some, those count the most."

"After a while, he would walk me home, dropping me off a block or two away so I didn't have to explain anything. He'd text me at night, making sure I was okay, as if I wasn't already. We'd spend weekends wandering around the neighborhood, it was all kid stuff. We were trying to be more grown up than we really were."

"Everyone goes through something similar at one point or another in their lives. If anyone tells you different, they're liars."

"Yeah, well the honeymoon phase wore off pretty quickly." Kat revealed, "He saw me on my phone in free period and thought I was texting another guy. It was my mom, asking if I could pick up a few things on my way home. He couldn't quite get it out of his head though that I was sneaking around with someone else."

"But you weren't sneaking around with anyone," Elliot stated matter of factly, knowing Kat wasn't the type of girl who would do that.

"No matter what I said or did, he had no trust in me. He became paranoid about what I was doing when I wasn't with him. I was walking home alone one day after school and some tourist stopped me for directions which is pretty common around here. It was some young guy with his sister, they were trying to meet up with their parents. The usual, you know? They went on their way, and the next thing I know, I heard someone rushing up behind me. Before I could even turn around, he dragged me to an alley and railed on me." She paused, her left arm moving over her torso absentmindedly as if it were an act of protection, "I knew he had done this before because he hit me in places I could easily cover up."

He saw the way she placed her arm over her middle and how she was struggling internally with the best way to continue. As delicately as he could ask, he whispered, "Did you stay?"

"I gave it a month," she recalled, cringing at the reasons why she did, "I was sad one night and texted you, not even expecting a reply. I just sent it without thinking. He saw your name in my messages a few days later and freaked. I guess at that point he didn't care where his fists landed because I walked away with three broken ribs and a black eye. I left him after that." When she made eye contact with him, she saw him trying to keep his composure. She saw the heartbreak in his eyes and she knew, whether she intended to or not, had hit home. He broke the silence, softly questioning, "And your mom?"

"Facing her was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know it broke her in more ways than one, I could see it in her eyes when she first saw me. Just the way she looked at me, I knew." Up until this point, Kat had never wavered and her emotions were in check. Little by little though, the cracks in her walls had started to crumble more. Her eyes became glassy with unshed tears and her voice became small, "I was so tired of being numb all the time. I just wanted to feel something, you know? Even if it meant I got hurt in the process, I wanted to feel anything to get me out of going through the motions." A lone tear had made its way down her cheek, the countless others threatening to spill over at any second, "I stayed when I knew I shouldn't have. I just laid there in that alley and took it."

"Kat," Elliot had started to say before she promptly cut him off, the tears had now long since spilled over, "H-how could I have b-been so st-stupid? I was so l-ost and I didn't know wh-what direction to t-turn in. I lost y-you and in the pr-process, lost m-my mom. My wh-whole life c-came crashing d-down and all I-I could d-do was w-watch."

The teenager was falling apart mere feet away from him and his heart ached for the deep pain she had endured in the years after his departure. He had taken her hand in his own, his thumb moving back and forth on top of her knuckles. It was a small act of comfort and she hadn't pulled away. "I n-needed someone t-to see me. To t-tell me I-I wasn't cr-crazy." Elliot had positioned himself closer to her, his arms wrapped around the teenager's shaking body. She had all but melted in his embrace, sobbing as she buried her face in his chest. His chin rested on Kat's head as he held her, "Sh, sh, sh, I've got you. You're alright," he repeated in an attempt to console her. Through her tears, she continued to ramble, her words jumbled, "I n-needed you, a-and you w-weren't th-there."

"Sh, sh, sh, I know," he quietly whispered and repeated a second time. He continued, his voice hushed, "I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

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