Don't ask me why the second chapter to this hit me round the head. It just did. And so I wrote it. So welcome back to the world of Peevsey golum speak! As per before, the main abbreviations/nicknames are at the bottom in case of confusion. And don't worry about the confusion - this is Peeves after all! We can't expect sanity now, can we? But yes, this update hit me like a cannonball and so here it is. Once again, it is set in the present time but with Peeves looking back on what has gone before.

Peevsey could have told them. Peevsey knows all the secrets and all the tricks and all the gossip. Peevsey knows everything. Peevsey hears everything. Peevsey is the Hogwarts Poltergeist!

After Snake Boy left Hogwarts was once again boring. Hogwarts had a new ghost in the castle of course but she was no fun. Still is no fun. She just cried and moaned and wept. Peevsey did manage to persuade her that ghosts could drown themselves in the lake. That was how little fun there was for Peevsey. Even Snake Boys last years had been more fun for Peevsey and that was after Snake Boy turned quiet and...not boring. Not boring but also not something Peevsey was interested in. Peevsey liked food throwing and pranks and smelly bombs and fire headed twins. Peevsey doesn't like giant snakes and quiet fear and pain and dying. Not unless they make fun ghosts for Peevsey to play with of course. And Moaning Midget is no fun.

There was the foreign folks who came to Hogwarts. They were less boring. Bendy Thingy even offered to make Hogwarts less boring. But Dopey Dippet turned her down. Peevsey couldn't believe it! Peevsey had a chance to make friends with furry spirit beings. Imagine the fun we could have had! The Forbidden Forest would never have been the same again! Peevsey might even have left Dippety Dope alone for a little while. There would have been more fun things to do. Instead Peevsey put a stack of stink pellets in his robes and hats and cushions and blankets… Peevsey would have liked to have met a spirit being. Peevsey could have had fun. Peevsey did think of hiding in Bendy's luggage to meet the new spirit friends but Peevesy thinks South America is a long way away, even for a poltergeist and doesn't think Dippy Dopehead would come collect Peeves afterward.

Hogwarts would be boring without Peevsey. Everyone knows it. They won't admit it because they are boring. They know it though. Everybody loves Peevsey really.

Minnie McMinster was kinda fun even though she never acted like it. Far too straight and prim and proper for her own good. Peevsey made sure there was always milk for the kitty. Not Peevsey's fault if the kitty refused to drink out of the hat. Ungrateful kitty. You try to do a good thing, a nice thing, a helpful thing... The kitty-fogey didn't like being woken up by milk in the morning either. Who knew Peeves could be turned into a mouse? Peeves didn't. Peeves does now. Peeves stopped waking kitty-fogey up of a morning. Mouse-Peevses couldn't run as fast as Peevsey can and kitties are quick. Even first thing in the morning.

Then Dippety popped his clogs and went to the great furry wizard in the sky. Long overdue, Peevsey says. But even that wasn't interesting because they only went and appointed Bumblebore in his place. And Bumbly was boring. Bumbly even tried to ban Peevsey from Dippy's corpse party. Peevsey soon put a stop to that. Nobody bans Peeves from anywhere in Hogwarts. Peevsey knows everything. Anyway, Dippity liked Peeves. Sometimes. And Peeves liked putting itching powder in Dippy's robes. Peeves couldn't miss the corpse party. That would just be rude. And they'd only make it boring without Peeves.

Peevsey knew something was wrong. Snake-boy looked different. Wrong. Uneven. Peevsey stayed away from him.

Peevsey will say one thing for Bumbly though; he didn't let Snake Boy back in though. Peevsey had to be pleased. Peevsey didn't know what Snake Boy wanted but Peeves was certain it couldn't be good. Snake Boy looked different too. More like a snake, Peevsey thinks. His eyes glowed and Peevsey didn't like them. Snake Boy is playing with some very dark magic. Darker even than Salzy's lizard. Peevsey knew this wasn't going to end well. How could it? Peevsey didn't even follow Snake-boy into Hogwarts. Snake-boy is even creepier now.

Snake Boy left one bit of fun though. Peevsey wants to know how he did it. Peevsey has never been able to get rid of fogeys so well and Peevsey is a Master! Peevsey would love to learn that trick. Snake-boy calls himself Moldymort now. His Deathgoons weren't clever but they didn't have to be. Peevsey knows Snake-boy has cleverness enough for all of them. Snake-boy doesn't want thinkers. Snake-boy wants followers. Brains not required. Nearly-Brainless should apply! Outside of Hogwarts things weren't boring but they weren't fun either. Not Peevsey's kind of fun anyway. Sticking kiddies to walls or teaching them how to fly is fun. Making a mess of the walls and the ceiling with blood is less fun. That's what food is for. Peevsey was glad to be in Hogwarts.

Why should Peevsey tell them? Peevsey only wants to make fun.

Peevsey thought it was the usual bunch of boring no good firsties when they arrived. Peevsey can be forgiven. None of them looked very special. There was a big hoo-ha about a mutt-head being placed into the house of lions and show-offs but Peevsey pays no attention to such nonsense. Only the fogeys and the targets care about the houses. And some of the other ghosts. Brainless Nick cared. But then Nearly-Brainless cares about all sorts of stupid things. Not Peevsey. Peevsey isn't that stupid. Peevsey knows that they are all targets all the same. Peevsey treats them all the same. And first years are the best targets regardless of where the squalling hat says they belong. Peevsey doesn't understand splitting them. They all fit the same into a suit of armour. And they all squeal the same when bounced down a hall. Some things never change.

The first full moon proved Peevsey wrong though. Maybe Hogwarts wasn't going to be boring after all. Peevsey can be wrong occasionally. Not often, mind. Peevsey knows everything. And Peevsey knows when there is a wolf in sheeps clothing. Looked all meek and mild he did with his head in a book. But Peevsey knew his secret. Peevsey didn't tell anyone though. Bumbly knew anyway. But even if he didn't, why would Peevsey tell anyone? Where was the fun in that!? Peevsey would wait and see what happened. The howling wolf was careful. Only some of the fogeys knew what he was. But the howling wolf wasn't good at lying. Peevsey could have made much better excuses. Peevsey wouldn't have bothered though. Peevsey would have jump scared firsties instead. All sorts of fun Peevsey could have had.

Peevsey could have told them. Peevsey knew their best friend was a howling monster by night. Or some nights at least. Well, one night. But the monster thing is true! Peevsey could have told them. But it was far more fun watching them work it out. It took them ages. Peevsey almost gave them clues they was that slow!

Peevsey was watching this group now though. The howling wolf had been the one to catch Peevsey's attention. But the others…the others were just as interesting. They were fun. Fun in Peevsey's way. They put stink bombs in drawers and itching powder in underwear. They knew all kinds of jinxes and hexes and put them to good use. Sometimes Peevsey even let them be part of his pranks. A great honour indeed. Not an honour Peevsey gives out lightly. But they proved willing and able students of the great Peeves. They could get places where Peevsey would get chucked out immediately. Like classrooms during class. Much fun was had. Stag-head and Mutt-breath would distract Sluggy-wuggy so Peevsey could sneak into the dungeons. Or once even into Sluggy's office. Oh, the fun Peevsey had! Oh, the chaos Peevsey wrecked!

Peevsey liked Mutt-breath and Stag-head and even the howling wolf. The howling wolf was more boring though. Peevsey had thought a wolf would be interesting but he wasn't. Books and pages and words and other boring stuff. Peevsey can thinks of better things to do that read books. Even with books! Peevsey could throw books or tear books or shred books or burn books or aim or Moaning Midgits head or…or…or… So many things to do with books! Why would Peevsey waste time reading them!? The wolf was only interesting once a month. Peevsey ignored the scrabbling rat. At least to begin with. He wasn't fun or interesting or useful. After all, what use does Peevsey have for a scrabbling creature when Peevsey can fly through walls? Not until later did he stop being boring. Even Peevsey was surprised.

Takes a lot to surprise Peevsey it does. Didn't think Rat-boy had it in him. Don't think anyone saw that coming.

Things got even more interesting as Peevsey watched them. Even Snake Boy hadn't thought to actually become a snake, Peevsey thought. Although maybe Snake Boy didn't need to. Snake-boy used snakes like he used kiddies and he used followers. Mutt-breath and Stag-head and Rat-face couldn't talk to animals but they were clever in another way. More patience than Peevsey would have had. But what need did Peevsey have for being a stupid creature. Creatures can't swoop through walls or throw water balloons like Peevsey can. Peevsey is perfect as he is. But Peevsey did watch them.

Peevsey even tried to help them. But the howling wolf sent chalk up Peevsey's nose for his trouble. Peevsey wishes people would stop doing that! Peevsey hid all their sleeping clothes and put itching powder in the bed covers for the indignity. Their day clothes went in the toilet and Peevsey found some interesting potions in Sluggy's dresser. Peevsey didn't know what they would do but he thought it would be fun. Did the whole dorm for good luck. Didn't have enough gloop for the girls. Had plenty of itching powder though. Peevsey isn't allowed in the towers anymore. Doesn't know how Bumblebore managed it. The stairways just shoot Peevsey back out at the ceiling. Peevsey will find a way round eventually. Peevsey always does. Peevsey knows everything.

Peevsey could have told Bumbledore. But where is the fun in that? Bumblebore would have stopped them. That would have ruined the fun.

Peevsey watched them in bemusement though as they plotted and mapped their way around Hogwarts. This seemed very boring. Then Peevsey realised they were finding all of Hogwarts little secrets and Peeves even helped them. Peevsey found some tricksky passageways for them that even the scrabbling rat wouldn't have found. Peevsey took payment in dung bombs and stink pellets and all sorts of goodies that Peevsey didn't get often now. Bumblebore and the Bloody Baron wouldn't let Peevsey go to Hogsmeade anymore. Peevsey couldn't get hold of any of the good stuff anymore. It was so unfair! All because of a harmless little prank Peevsey pulled. At a small and insignificant meeting. With the Minister of Magic and a bunch of other boring people. You'd have thought they'd be grateful. The meeting was boring. Peevsey was brightening their day!

Most excitement Peevsey had in a long time. Big Oaf was still on his best behaviour lumbering around Hogwarts grounds. Had been for a long time. He only brought small creatures in. None of them very interesting. His spider thing was growing quite a colony. But they were in the forest. And Peevsey doesn't like the forest. The forest is dark and gloomy and there isn't anyone to throw food at. Not that Peevsey is scared of the forest or the big spiders or the talking horses. Peevsey isn't scared of anything at all. The forest is boring, that's all. Why would Peevsey want to go in a boring forest. Peevsey has better things to do. Like stuffing first years into suits of armour or putting beetle powder in McMinster's robes or filling the squalling hat with dungbombs and itching powder. The squalling hat isn't that fond of Peevsey. Peevsey doesn't know why. It must be very boring being a hat. No fun at all.

Peevsey knew bad things were coming. Peevsey could have told them trouble was brewing. Peevsey has a nose for trouble. But nobody listens to Peevesy, so why should Peevsey bother?

Mutt-breath and his friends weren't the only interesting thing going on at Hogwarts. They made even boring things fun though and that was good enough for Peevsey. Peevsey still watched though and Peevsey could see that change was coming. What Snake-Boy had started in Hogwarts, others were finishing. Peevsey could see that Moldywart was building an army. Peeves could see it, even if the fogeys seemed blind. None of these were as tricksky as Snake-Boy had been. None of them were as clever. But they weren't interested in the fun stuff either. Peevsey could see it all. Snake-Boy took his groupies with him when he graduated but time is tricksky. It sneaks past when you aren't looking. Peevsey should know, Peevsey sometimes misplaces a whole century when it's really boring. But time is tricksky and the groupie spawn had arrived at Hogwarts.

Peevsey was right. Peevsey knew when Snake-Boy first came to Hogwarts that he was tricksky. Tricksky and patient. Peevsey wasn't wrong. Peevsey followed Stag-brain and co. around because they were fun. But Peeves watched and Peeves waited. Peeves knew something was brewing. Trouble was coming. But not Peeves' kind of trouble. No. Snake-boy's kind of trouble and Peeves wants nothing to do with that. Not now, not then, not ever. Peevsey kept hearing those same words again. Mudblood. Half-blood. And Peevsey watched. The older ones were clever. Not as clever as Peevsey but still clever. The lost and the lonely were the first ones they picked on. The broken and the breaking. The ones who wanted something Hogwarts couldn't provide. Or it could, but they were looking in all the wrong places.

Peevsey might have actually told then. But Stag-brain was quicker. Saved Peevsey the bother. Peevsey was glad. Ruin Peevsey's reputation that would.

Greaseball Not-Yet-A-Professor was one. Potty-stag had painted a target on his head already. Peevsey helped sometimes. The Greasy One just moped around. Peevsey thinks he was trying to catch Stag-head and Mutt-breath doing something they shouldn't. Peevsey saw lots of that but Peevsey wasn't going to tell. Peevsey did nearly get a new Hogwarts ghost which might have been interesting. But Greaseball is as exciting as Moaning Minny on a good day and Peevsey has enough boring ghosts already. What with Brainless and Grey Mope and U-Bend, Peevsey only wants interesting friends. Now if Mutt-breath was about to get eaten by the werefiend, Peevsey would have been tempted to throw popcorn. Mutt-breath is funny. Peevsey and Mutt-breath would have made a good team. Imagine the fun we could have had.

No new Hogwarts ghost, but Peevsey watched Greaseball more carefully. He wasn't fun like the Potty-stag and he wasn't cold like the Snake-boy. He was something else… he was another kind of tricksky. His pranks weren't funny. They weren't even really pranks. He watched Potty and the Black Mutt though. He watched and his eyes gleamed. When the Moldygoons went to him, Peevsey knew what would happen. Peevsey had seen it lots of times by now and Peevsey knew the drill. They would talk, they would laugh, the would slap Greasy's back and tease him with secrets and power and he would follow. They all did. Peevsey watched and Peevsey saw. Snake after Snake was courted and wooed and Peevsey could see what was happening. Snake-boy had become Snake-man and Snake-man had an army. Snake-man was using Hogwarts to build his army.

Peevsey was right. Peevsey saw it coming. Bad things were on the move. Peevsey saw it all coming.

Peevsey made up a rhyme about Moldywart. Peevsey sang it everywhere. In the corridors, in the Great Hall, in Quidditch matches. Everybody heard Peevsey's new song. Peevsey stopped singing it though. Peevsey isn't afraid of no Dark Wizard, of course. Peevsey is afraid of nobody. But Peevsey sees the glint in some eyes and Peevsey knows they is not planning a prank. They is planning revenge and Peevsey is the target. Peevsey knows when to make himself scarce. Now is that time. Hogwarts is boring again. Nobody wants to do anything. Even Stag-head and Mutt-breath have stopped being fun. Nobody wants to play with Peeves. Their faces are boring and solemn. They walk with heads down not even noticing Peevsey if he throws food or blows raspberries or taunts firsties. But Peevsey knows why. Peevsey always knows why.

Peevsey knows why there were fewer firsties to torture and torment that year. Peevsey knows why lots of students never returned. Bumblebore knows too but he won't admit it. People are scared. They are scared because they are dying. They are dying or they are fleeing or they are fleeing and then they are dying. Nobody is immune. Nobody is safe. Except for Peevsey. Nothing can hurt Peevsey. Peevsey doesn't leave Hogwarts though. Not because Peevsey is scared. No, not ever because Peevsey is scared. Peevsey needs to protect Hogwarts. Nobody can do that better than Peevsey because Peevsey knows everything. All the tricks and the hiding places. Because Peevsey is not scared of no Dark Wizard. Peevsey throws water balloons at nasty Dark Wizards! They throw them back. And send chalk up Peevsey's nose. And wake up giant, hungry, smelly snake creatures in the bowels of Hogwarts. But Peevsey is not scared. Peevsey doesn't do scared.

Peevsey smelled a rat though, Peevsey did. A scrabbling, crawling, cowardly rat, Peevsey smelled. Peevsey couldn't be sure though. Even the Bumblebore of Greatness didn't know. So what could Peevsey have said? Peevsey could have told them. But Peevsey didn't know. Peevsey didn't know for sure.

Peevsey wasn't surprised when Greaseball did the whole bowing and scraping before the Mould Lord. Peevsey wasn't surprised when lots of the snakey ones left and did the same. Peevsey could have told them that was coming. Peevsey is surprised Bumblebore didn't know. Meant to know everything is Bumbly, but he missed that, didn't he? Missed a lot of things did the Great Bumblebore. Peevsey doesn't leave Hogwarts. What would Hogwarts do without Peevsey!? But Peevsey hears things. Peevsey hears everything. Even things that shouldn't be heard. Those are the best things to hear. Peevsey heard talk of spies and secrets. Mutt-breath told Bumbly it was Werebrains, Werebrains said Mutt-breath. None of them looked at the scrabbling rat. Nobody looked at the scrabbling rat. Not even Peevsey. Not really. Peevsey wasn't sure.

Peevsey saw the rat in odd places though. Peevsey swooped on it more than once. It pretended to just be a normal rat. But Peevsey wasn't fooled. Peevsey isn't stupid. Peevsey sees everything. Peevsey did think of telling the Bloody Baron. But what would Peevsey have said? That Peevsey had seen a rat in the castle? Peevsey would have been laughed out of Hogwarts. So Peevsey watched the rat. Peevsey followed the rat and saw where it went. The rat tried to escape Peevsey, of course it did. But Peevsey was too quick. Peevsey was too clever. Peevsey heard all kinds of conversations but Peevsey found them deadly boring. Nobody was doing anything interesting. It was just blabber, blabber, blabber. Peevsey knew Stag-head had gone into hiding. Stag-head was scared of Moldywart. Peevsey wasn't scared.

Peevsey had fun with the rat. Chased it all around Hogwarts, did Peevsey. Peevsey was busy chasing it when they said the most important thing of all. But Peevsey didn't know.

Peevsey didn't know the Bumbler trusted the rat. Peevsey thought Bumbly was meant to be clever. Bumbly wasn't clever. Peevsey was more clever than Bumblebore. Bumbly didn't see the signs. Peevsey saw the signs. But Peevsey didn't know. Peevsey was hunting a rat. Wheeee! Up and down. Floors and corridors, walls and rat holes. Chasy chasy, find a mousy. Peevsey wasn't even near Bumbles office at the time. Neither was the rat, Peevsey is proud to say. Peevsey protects Hogwarts from trespassers and ne'er do goods. Unless they are pranksters. Then they are ok. The rat wasn't a prankster. The rat was a sneak and a spy and Peevsey was having fun. Nobody can blame Peevsey for having fun.

Peevsey found out by accident later. Peevsey was a busy, busy bumblebee lining McMinster's pointy hat with special sticky blue stuff that Peevsey had found when Peevsey heard. Peevsey was hiding in the closet when Bumbly knocked. Good job. Bumblebore is very good at spotting Peevsey, even when Peevsey is hiding, but even he can't see through wood. Peevsey doesn't think so, anyway. Peevsey froze. Peevsey would have stopped breathing but Peevsey doesn't breathe. Bumble's voice was serious and quiet and Peevsey didn't make out all the words. Not at first anyway. Peevsey didn't know what had happened. Peevsey didn't know they were talking about the rat-boy. Not immediately anyway. Peevsey only realised that later.

Or maybe Peevsey did know. Peevsey did hear what Bumbles said but Peevsey didn't want to hear because Peevsey knew too much. Peevsey knows everything. Peevsey could have told them. Peevsey stayed in the closet instead.

Peevsey would have gotten in trouble if Peevsey had burst out the door. McMinster would know what he was doing and worst of all worstness, Peevesey's magnificent prank would be ruined. Peevsey had spent hours planning this prank. So Peevsey stayed very still. Peevsey stayed very silent. Peevsey does know how to be silent. Peevsey just finds it boring. When Bumbles and McMinster left, Peevsey finished painting the hat. Peevsey put the pointy hat back exactly where he had found it. And then Peevsey went to find the Bloody Baron.

Peevsey did try to tell them. It's not Peevsey's fault if it was too late. The Bloody Baron was hard to find. And Peevsey got distracted.

Peevsey can't be blamed. Peevsey didn't think it was important. And Norris' tail was just too tempting. You'd have thought it was Christmas. She made a lovely hanging ornament she did until Filth found her and chased Peeves around the castle. It's not Peevsey's fault they died. It's not Peevsey's fault Bumbles didn't see it coming. It's not Peevsey's fault that Moldywart was using the kiddies. None of it's Peevsey's fault.

But Peevsey could have told them. Maybe Peevsey should have told them.

Main Abbreviations:

Bendy Thingy - Benedita Dourado (South American witch and a former Headmistress of Castelobruxo who visited Hogwarts during the 40's or 50's with an exchange group.)

Moaning Midget – Moaning Myrtle

Dopey Dippet/Dippety/Dippety Doper – Armando Dippet (Headmaster in Riddle's time and for ten years after.)

Minnie McMinster/kitty-fogey – Minerva McGonagall

Bundlebore/Bumbly – Albus Dumbledore

Oafboy/Janitor Oaf - Hagrid

Greaseball – Severus Snape

Filth - Filch

Snake Boy/Moldywart – Tom Riddle