A/N: There isn't really anything I can say to make up for the long wait on this. But thank you all so much for all of your kind words. Everyone's comments and reviews really did make this story something that I was (and am) determined to finish. I've slipped back into both the Downton fandom and writing again, and I've been working on this chapter for far longer than it's word count reflects. This really was a MASSIVE block for me, writing-wise. I'm not altogether happy with it, but at this point I don't think I'd have been happy with anything I wrote for this chapter (this is, actually the fourth version of this chapter I've tried to write while I've been away - it's the only one I've managed to finish). Please treat this as the return it is; it's a little rough around the edges but I really am a little out of practice at this point. I kept my original plans and timelines; so this does carry on just as though there wasn't a massive break between chapters.

In which Charles tries not to think about thinking and can't find anything to wear.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Heading to his office, lever-arch under one arm and his satchel clutched in his hand, Charles can think only one thing: he hasn't had enough time.

Which is laughable really, given exactly what it is that he wants more time to deal with.

But the fact remains that he has tickets to Oklahoma! and reservations at their restaurant and in 8 hours he'll be knocking for Elsie and he hasn't had enough time to figure out how that's going to go.

Will it be written all over his face? Has it always been?

Has Elsie been pitying him all this time, seeing something he didn't even know he felt, every time he looks at her?

Already he's second guessed himself out of bringing a cup of tea to her office this morning, unsure if he usually does it as a friend or because he lo—because of something else.

He only narrowly avoided spilling everything to Beryl yesterday; and he's never been half as good at keeping things from Elsie!

Perhaps it's not too late to cancel? He'll lose the money for the tickets, but that's quite literally a small price to pay to avoid everything for a little longer. He's not due to meet her today outside of their plans tonight, so he could get through his classes and hide away in his rooms.

But what could he possibly say to Elsie that would justify cancelling on her?

Slipping inside his office and closing the door behind him, Charles glances at his watch. He has an hour before Elsie will be back in her own office, hopefully that will be enough time to come up with something believable.

-x-x-x-x-

Standing in front of his wardrobe, Charles undoes one last button and shrugs the shirt off his shoulders.

Hanging it back up, he adds it to the others on the right side of the rail and takes out the next one. At this rate he'll end up rejecting all of them and then he'll be well and truly stuffed.

Honestly, he isn't even sure why he's having so much trouble. It's not like he doesn't have plenty of dress shirts to choose from and he's never made this much fuss over dressing for dinner in his life.

Tucking the latest shirt into his trousers, he shakes his head at his reflection. Another definite no.

Usually for their birthday plans, he just pulls out his best black suit and a white shirt and puts up with the inevitable new waiter-joke from Elsie.

He dismissed the black suit as soon as he put it on today; it just didn't feel right. Unfortunately, neither does anything else he owns.

Maybe it's not the clothes, maybe it's that his attempt to cancel tonight fell flat; although he should have expected to fail when he tried to do it without confronting Elsie direct. With his promise to her after the London trip debacle, he should have known better than to try and get out of tonight by email.

He spent the entire morning on tenterhooks waiting for a response, only to find out at lunchtime that the servers had crashed and all emails in and out from twelve last night were lost.

By then he'd rethought his decision so many times he was too exhausted to bother again.

Now, another shirt in hand, he wishes he'd just called in sick this morning, that would have solved everything.

Although then he'd have spent the day alone with his thoughts and...despite what he'd thought this morning, he's not actually sure he is ready to think about it. It's ridiculous that he needs time just to contemplate taking time to think. He wonders if he might not be going a bit mad.

Of course, it could be exhaustion. He hasn't had any sleep and his fingers are becoming more and more clumsy with each shirt. It's no wonder he's kept such a tight lid on his emotions, if this is what it's like to feel. Something's got to give - he can't possibly function for long like this.

He's never been so nervous at the idea of spending time with Elsie; it's laughable after all these years and he hates it.

She's his best friend; all recent realisations aside, that's what she's been to him for almost fifteen years now. Wanting to avoid her feels decidedly wrong. Perhaps it's a good thing then, that he can't.

Tearing off a bright red shirt he crumples it up in his hands and throws it at the bed. It would really help right now if he could just pick a damn shirt!

Taking a deep breath he considers the trousers he's chosen; navy, fairly new and the matching jacket sits quite nicely across his shoulders, so he's been told. He has a grey suit but he is not changing to that now, not when that's the only decision he has managed to make so far.

Maybe if he picks a tie out first, then it'll narrow his shirt choices down. A quick glance at the clock tells him he really doesn't have time to dither about anymore, not if he wants to avoid Elsie coming over to get him when she's ready. He doubts she's having the same trouble with her outfit. She always seems so effortlessly well turned out.

Forcing his mind away from the minefield that particular thought could turn into, he opens the other wardrobe door. Pulling out the little hanging tie rack, he discards the Paisley ones right off, nothing in green or purple either. Blue maybe, he is wearing navy after all and if he goes for a nice blue then he can wear that silver tie pin Elsie bought him. One of his white shirts will work best with that.

Taking a deep breath he pulls a light blue tie from the rack, checking it against the sleeve of the jacket hanging on the back of the door and smiles in satisfaction.

Finally.

Reaching for the first white shirt he sees, he slips it on before he can second guess himself - or seventh guess himself he supposes - and sets to work on the buttons.

Fingers occupied and no more decisions to be made, his mind shoots right back to everything he's been trying so hard not to think about and his stomach knots.

He has to find a way to look past this tonight; it wouldn't be fair to Elsie to make the evening uncomfortable, especially when this is supposed to be an apology for missing her party. It would be selfish to have her suffer through stilted silences and awkward company, just because he's struggling with basic emotions worse than a teenage boy. He just needs to get control of himself again. Shore up whatever dam he managed to burst through yesterday and - how is it Bill puts it? - man up. This is Elsie's night. It's not about him or them.

Besides which, if he shows even a hint that anything is up, she'll be on him in a flash. No one knows him better than Elsie.

More deep breaths calm the racing of his heart and settle his stomach a little. Best if he leaves off eating anything heavy tonight, just in case.

The knock comes as he's finishing with the knot of his tie and he tenses all over before patting himself down and grabbing his jacket.

She's his best friend. He needs to hold onto that and perhaps tonight won't be a complete disaster.

Hopefully you're not all terribly disappointed. I always knew the dinner would at least start from Elsie's point of view; but bridging the gap gave me no end of problems. It's a bit more of an insight into the currently incredibly muddled mind of poor Charles. He hasn't seen Elsie since his epiphany so it's no wonder he's feeling so unsteady at the moment. Hope you enjoyed, and I'll be back much faster this time with the next chapter. Thank you for sticking with this.

Also, please let me know if there's anything you think needs to be in the key!