a/n: i'm going to update playing house. i am, i promise, i swear i will, that i wrote this just to get myself back into the feeling of the characters. i will, and i promise that i will update soon, because you guys have been waiting far too long.

this was inspired by about 10 taylor swift songs and probably makes very little sense because i stopped officially watching after season three and have only vague ideas of what happened post that. so if there's any continuity errors i apologise because there undoubtedly is. i'm sorry. don't tell me how badly i messed up i already know. also, it just doesn't make any sense full stop. sorry.

happy 2015.

title is from 'the story of us' by taylor swift.

Blair misses him, sometimes. Not just as a boyfriend and a lover, but as her best friend, her other half, her missing piece, her movie night acquaintance, her book buddy, her enemy, Serena's ex, Jenny Humphrey's older brother. She misses him being in her life, telling her awful jokes and driving badly and watching movies with her and holding her when she cried.

She misses Dan.

The person she sees now, at parties thrown by Lily in awkward meetings, isn't the Dan she knows, isn't the Dan she loved. He's a stranger, the man who, for almost a decade, shared her secrets with the world, tormented her, and destroyed the lives of everyone she's ever cared about.

(Himself, included.)

More than that, he's the boy who can't meet her eye, who speaks to her in stiff sentences, who tugs Serena a little closer when he sees Blair kiss Chuck. He's her ex-boyfriend, the boy who gave her his heart before she tore it up. He's not hers anymore.

She tells herself it doesn't matter, that he doesn't matter, that they're over, that they're back to being what they're supposed to be (Dan and Blair. Individual entities. Two proper nouns separated by a conjunction. Or a comma, if mentioned in a list. Which is rare. Since we have nothing in common and are in fact, opposites. The kind of opposites who do not attract. Most definitely not.)

Besides, he was Gossip Girl, and he hurt her, twisted her words and told lies about her and revealed her secrets. She's not supposed to love people that have hurt her repeatedly.

(Chuck doesn't count. He's different this time around. That's what he tells her, and Blair believes him. Dan doesn't comment because Dan isn't allowed to say anything and isn't important to her. Not anymore.)

Sometimes, when she's at home, waiting for Chuck to finish up at work and Serena's busy and Nate has lost his phone again, and she's all alone, she thinks about Dan.

She thinks about how he used to be the one person she could always count on, the one person she could always call, the one person who loved her unconditionally when she was fighting with Serena. She thinks about what they used to be, back before he was Gossip Girl and back before she broke his heart and back before she was Mrs Chuck Bass and he was with Serena for the nth time. Back before he loved her and they had elevator sex and he gave her a tiara and she was happy for a few moments. Back before they were best friends and she started spending too much time at Brooklyn and he reminded her that she was Blair Waldorf and she could do anything. Back before they watched movies in secret and pretended they had nothing in common and didn't call each other friend. Back before he tried to help her with Chuck after they broke up and he danced with her at Dorota's wedding and told her she deserved to be with someone who made her happy and they went to college together. Back before they were in a play together and he tried to help her with Chuck and she introduced him to Lord Marcus. Back before they took down Georgina together and tolerated each other for Serena's benefit and spent Thanksgiving together. Back to when she was a sixteen year old girl sitting in a hallway after Serena stole something from her again and he told her about his mother. Back when they weren't really anything to each other, and were only there because of Serena, even though Dan wasn't in love with her yet and Blair still hated her a little bit.

It was easier then, back when she knew there had to be something Serena saw in him, even though Blair didn't understand the appeal. It was nothing much, but it's better than what they are now.

Maybe it'd even be easier to go back to when they never met, when they were strangers, when they knew nothing about each other. Back when he was lonely boy and she was the loneliest girl.

There are other times when Blair thinks they could go back to the way they were. Back to when they were best friend and he held her when she cried and she felt safe, and their relationship felt natural and easy. She thinks that if they just talk to each other, if they just sort things out, they can go back to affectionately calling each other Humphrey and Waldorf and they watched movies together each week.

But then she remembers what happened, who they are now, everything that happened, and she knows that she can't. Even if Dan was never Gossip Girl, or, god, it was never revealed, they wouldn't be able to go back. Not after she told him that her heart belonged to him before she inevitably went back to Chuck. Not after she told him that she would rather be alone than be with him. Not after she destroyed everything that they had.

She knows he thinks these things too, can see it in the way he looks at her, can feel it when they're in each other's presence. He blames her for breaking them, breaking what they had, breaking what they could have been.

Sometimes, she thinks, well, you published those diary entries on your blog, you slept with Serena, and you published that on your blog. It wasn't just me. It was you, and Serena, and Chuck, and you again and me. We all broke each other.

Chuck is her soulmate. Chuck is the man she's meant to be with. Chuck is the love of her life. Chuck is her destiny. They're supposed to be together. They're meant to be together. They're epic. They're in love. They're inevitable.

Blair wonders if this is how Serena sees Dan. She wonders if Serena thinks that Dan is her soulmate, Dan is the man she's meant to be with, Dan is the love of her life, Dan is her destiny. She wonders if Serena thinks that she's supposed to be with Dan, she's meant to be with Dan, her relationship with Dan is epic, she's in love with Dan, that Serena and Dan are inevitable.

Blair wonders if Serena feels bad for taking Blair's best friend, other half, her missing piece, her movie night acquaintance, her book buddy.

Because Serena is her best friend, her sister, her everything, but Dan was her best friend too, and he made her feel safe, made her feel loved, made her feel like a princess. Dan reminded her of who she could be, who she wanted to be, who she was. Dan was what she needed, what she wanted, but now he's gone, and she can't have him back, because he's Serena's.

(And she hates her best friend, her sister, her everything a little bit for it.)

There was a time, a very brief period of time, when Blair was with Dan, and she was happy, and she loved him but she wasn't in love with him, when she thought about a future with him. Not the way she thought about a future with Chuck, the one with a beautiful penthouse and beautiful children and designer clothes and international trips and glamorous parties and their epic, endless love, but the potential of a future with Dan. One where he told her he loved her each day, and kissed her each morning, and held her hand, and listened to her problems, and looked after her children, and reminded her that she was Blair, and she could do anything.

It didn't last long, the idea of it all, because Dan was wonderful, and she loved him, but Chuck was her destiny. She was meant to be with him. He was her future.

And Dan? His future is Serena.

This is how it's supposed to be, she tells herself. Chuck & Blair and Dan & Serena, the epic couples, the inevitable ones. That was the way it was supposed to be, since they were sixteen years old. And Blair tells herself she's happy, and Chuck's happy, and Serena's happy, and Dan's happy. That's the way it's supposed to be.

What she doesn't tell herself, what she ignores, what she knows is true, is that the idea of a future with Dan made her happier than her future with Chuck does.

(But that's not how it's supposed to be.)