What The Heart Wants

"There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants."

"No matter what comes, I want you to know that what we had was real."

Those words still haunted her. She remembered it perfectly, the sorrow behind his eyes after such an incredible victory, paralyzed her in an instant.

He'd left her.

He hadn't even said goodbye, gave no explanation. Given her no closure.

It had been several weeks since their final battle with Corypheus and all her companions and advisers had family, friends, and duties to return to, each one continuing on with their lives. Though she was happy for them, the bitterness still came to claim her, especially in the lonely stillness of the night.

She had no one. Her clan had been murdered, slaughtered by a corrupt shemlen ruler. Her brother, her father, her Keeper... They were all gone now. She had no home to go back to and her heart resided with a man who was lost to her forever.

She was alone. So alone.

Sifting through dozens of reports and requests for food, coin, troops and resources, she found herself unable to concentrate on the words that covered the pages. Tears blurred her vision, threatening to break free. Feeling the rage of her torment bubbling under the surface, she stood and began pacing across her room. How could he just leave her? After all they'd shared, after all they'd been through, how could he just abandon her? Did she mean so little to him?

Fists balled in white hot fury, she stormed across to the bookshelf and grabbed the nearest object – a beautiful, handmade vase from Orlais – smashing it into the stone wall, obliterating the glass into a thousand tiny pieces. How ironic, she thought bitterly, just like my heart.

Making her way to the private balcony, she sighed as she leaned against the cold stone, relishing the chill of the wind against her anger flushed cheeks. Closing her eyes, she played through their conversation before the final battle with Corypheus.

"Harden your heart to a cutting edge, and put that pain to good use against Corypheus."

She had done as he said. Steeling her resolve, she had pushed her emotional pain deep inside and dealt the darkspawn magister a decimating blow. The chaos of battle was useful in helping one to numb themselves to the rest of the world, but now that that battle was finished and the world was healing, how would she numb the pain? With no evil to defeat how would she, how could she, go on pretending as though nothing had changed? As though her world wasn't caving in.

"…an emotional entanglement that would benefit neither of us."

That phrase lingered in her mind. An emotional entanglement. Is that how he saw her? Nothing more than a messy distraction. This time, her tears flowed freely as she looked out over the Frostbacks, glistening in the moonlight, everything serene in the silence of the night.

Pushing herself from the balcony ledge she crossed into to dimly lit room and made her way to the ridiculously ornate bed. Fancy though it was, she preferred the freedom and familiarity of the Dalish camps and aravels. She would never feel herself while trapped within four walls.

Soon she was asleep and entering the Fade. Usually, she visited her clans camp in the wilds of the Free Marches, reliving precious memories with her loved ones. This allowed her solitary moments of peace.

She desperately tried to keep Solas in the back of her mind while she dreamed. She didn't know how, or if, she could face him yet. Her pain was too deep to constantly search for a ghost without going mad.

But tonight, she indulged in her desire to see his face. She returned to the clearing with the waterfall where he had taken her during their last private moments together.

"You are so beautiful."

She brought her hand up to caress the side of her face as he did when he spoke those words to her only months ago. Sighing, she laid down beneath a large oak tree. It was painful to relive those moments, but it also brought her a sliver of happiness.

It was real, what they had shared. She felt that in her bones. He felt it too, she knew, which made it infuriatingly impossible to process that he had chosen to abandon her.

The sound of water splashing across the stones lulled her senses and left her feeling more at peace than she had in the last few weeks. She turned on her side and napped on the soft blanket of moss covering the forest floor.

After several minutes she sensed another presence in the clearing. Her eyes fluttered open and found a large grey wolf watching her. She sensed no danger in the creature's blue eyes and did not fear him. The wolf did not venture closer but instead lay down and observed her.

Feelings of warmth and love enveloped her and formed goose bumps on her flesh. With her guardian wolf keeping watch over her, she rested her head on the pillow of moss and slept more peacefully than she had since before the world had been torn apart.

Several hours had passed when Ellana finally awoke. Stretching her stiff muscles as she yawned, she felt something in her hand. Bringing her arm back down, she opened her palm and found a jawbone necklace, lovingly placed within the folds of her hand. She smiled knowingly and felt her world change.

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If you are reading this, thank you for finishing it! This is my very first attempt at writing my own fanfiction. It's not much and I know it doesn't even compare to some of the amazing material published on this site but I'm fairly happy with it. I'm surprised at myself for writing about a Solas romance before a Cullen romance but once I played through the Solas romance it took hold of me and planted itself firmly inside my heart.