I started writing this story like in May but stopped writing it after like a month. But then yesterday I was contemplating writing something for ThemeMorphs, but since I couldn't think of anything, I said "what the hell?" and wrote a little bit more for this.

I'm not going to lie. I have no idea if I'm going to finish this. It started of as being a 10k word one-shot but now I have 12k+ words and I'm not even a fourth of the way through. I just think that posting at least some of it will inspire me to write more.

Anyways, that's enough talking. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs.

"Ellimist!"

Leaves crunched beneath his bare feet as he stomped through the forest ground. Thorns and sticks poked his skin. He was bleeding a bit. He didn't care.

"Ellimist!" His voice was demanding, filled with rage. "Come out, you coward!"

The only response he received was the sound of branches swaying in the air. The sun was out, and the sky was full with cumulus clouds. It was a perfect day to be happy. A perfect day to fly.

He wasn't flying anywhere anytime soon. "ELLIMIST!"

There was nothing but silence. In a fit of anger, he brought his fist up in the air and swung it on the nearest tree with all his might. He heard something crack, and there was a sudden throbbing in his hand. He didn't care. Nothing compared to the pain he had just endured.

"Damnit, Ellimist! You owe me!" The wind picked up in response. He cursed loudly and slammed his hand against the tree again. He kicked it again and again, making himself bleed more profoundly and providing splinters to last a life time.

"Bring her back! Bring her back!" His whole body trembled as grief threatened to take over. "Damnit," he whispered, when he realized that tears were falling down his face. "Damnit."

"Ellimist!" he screamed one more time, his voice shaking with emotion, before giving up and crumbling to the ground in a fit of sobs.

"Please," he begged between his cries. "Please, please, please, please, please, please..."

What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to live? It had barely been a week and he couldn't function properly. How was he supposed to survive the rest of his life without her?

"Oh God," he said as another wave of sorrow hit him and he curled into a ball in an attempt to shield himself from the agony.

He didn't even try to get up or move a muscle. He was too week. "You owe me," he whispered, addressing the Ellimist once again. "You owe me, you..." He was interrupted by another sob. "Just bring her back. Bring her back. I- I'll do anything. I-"

He moaned in distress, foolishly hoping that the semi-omnipotent being would come to his rescue. But he didn't. He didn't even show up.

Even then, Tobias didn't get up. Instead, he whispered, "What am I going to do?"

...

((Tobias! Tobias, please come back! I just want to talk to you!))

It had been like this constantly for the past month. Ax, or Marco, or Cassie always came, spending at least an hour screaming for everyone to hear. They had even scared away some of his prey, much to his annoyance. Jake never came. For this, he was glad.

((Look, I know it's hard! But we miss you! We're your friends!))

Couldn't she understand that he didn't want to speak? That he couldn't force himself to speak? That maybe he just wanted to forget?

((And anyway, Rachel would not have wanted to see you this way!))

A flash of boiling anger hit him, but it just as quickly turned into hollowness. Sadness. That deep ache in his heart that he desperately wanted to get rid, and he deflated, tired.

((Tobias, please!))

Had he been human, he would have covered his head with both hands and tried to squeeze their voices out. But he wasn't. He was a hawk. And with Rachel gone, he would be until the day he died. He hoped it would be soon.

((We care about you!))

She would leave soon. Her two hours were almost up. Then, if he found the energy to do so, he might even hunt today. The hunger was starting to make him weak, anyway.

((We just want what's best for you!))

Then why don't you just leave. There was a moment of silence, and for a second he was afraid he had spoken out loud. But he hadn't. Cassie had just dived to the floor and started to demorph.

He was hidden well enough to be out of Cassie's sight, but from where he was, he could still get a perfect view of her face. Of the concern written there. The worry and grief. For just a second, he considered calling out to her to tell her he was fine. For just a second, he considered morphing human and hugging her.

But he didn't. And within a few minutes, she had already re-morphed and gone, leaving him alone with the forest as company.

...

"I love you."

His breath stopped. She was right in front of him, only a few meters away, with her back turned to him. But it was her. Alive and beautiful and whole.

"I love you."

Her long, golden blond hair fell down her back in ringlets. She had a simple, yellow dress on and she was barefoot. He took a shaky step towards her.

"I love you."

He was only a feet away from him now, and he was sure she could hear his strangled gasps and heavy breathing. Still, she didn't turn.

"I love you."

He couldn't believe this was happening. That this was real. She was alive! She was alive! He reached out to touch her, barely holding himself together. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to just feel her in his arms. To make sure she was real and that she was his again.

"Rachel, I-"

Finally she turned. He could see the flower crown on her head now. The loving smile on her face, and her tender eyes. She reached out her hand to touch him.

He jumped back, pulling his arm back and screamed. He screamed and screamed and screamed. For her face, once beautiful and flawless, was rotting. Her skin was peeling, falling in chunks down her face, like fast forward leprosy. Blood was streaming down her forehead like a waterfall, and he could see the white of her skull. And the stench... He gagged.

"Noo!" he screamed. "No! No! No!"

((No!))

He awoke with a start, nearly flying off his perch in fright, only to find himself surrounded by a blanket of darkness. With his sharp eyesight, he could discern the stars above him and the dancing branches. The leaves rustled in the wind. He heard the sound of an owl hooting in the distance, and he suddenly remembered where he was.

((No,)) he groaned. ((No.))

It was like this every night. He would wake up thinking everything, even Rachel's death, was a simple nightmare only to discover that, while her rotting face certainly was, she was really gone. She was really dead.

He could still smell the putrid odor, and he had the urge to throw up. He was shaking, but definitely not from the cold. Why couldn't he get some decent sleep? Why couldn't he just forget? Why couldn't he just retreat into his hawk self without worrying about the pesky, miserable, frightened little boy returning?

He wanted to cry. He wanted to just morph human and cry. Maybe he could find Ax, or Cassie, or maybe even Loren to just hold him while he wept and told him everything was going to be okay.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He wasn't human anymore, and hawks didn't cry. If he did that, he would never be able to rid himself of Tobias the boy, something that he needed to do if he wanted to live off the rest of his days in peace.

But would it really be so bad? a voice in his head asked. He was not doing any progress as it was, and he had not morphed human, or anything else, in over a month. Would it really be so bad to just cry one last time? Maybe it would be better, even. Maybe, if he let it all out, he could lift some weight of his shoulders. And just maybe, this might help him let go of his human self once and for all.

He almost flew out of his perch and morphed, but he didn't because he knew that if he started crying now, he would never stop.

...

He stood outside her door and tentatively knocked on it once. After two minutes of waiting, he figured she probably didn't hear, and knocked again, louder this time.

He had already been to the old Hork-bajir Valley to look for her, but of course, she wasn't there. Nobody was, Hork-bajir or human. He assumed they had relocated after the war, but he had no idea where. Maybe he would ask her if, no when, she opened the door and let him in.

"Hey, what're ya doin' here?"

He turned around to see a man, maybe in his late forties, standing on the sidewalk and holding a bottle of alcohol in his hand. He was clearly drunk, his words slurring and his eyes red. Tobias wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Are you a reporter?" Tobias looked down at himself, barefoot and in spandex, obviously wearing the perfect attire for a reporter. "Because she ain't in there, ya know. I heard she moved to another state." He took a chug from his bottle as he said this.

Tobias froze for a second at his words. She couldn't have left, could she? It had been two months since he'd seen her, but she couldn't have left. Surely she would have gone looking for him before. Surely he would have heard something by now.

"Thank you, sir," he called out sarcastically, his voice raspy. "I'll keep that in mind."

The man shrugged. "Suit yourself."

He watched the man go halfway down the street before returning his attention to the door. He knocked again, harder. He waited a few minutes, but nobody came out.

He began to panic. Maybe she wasn't living here anymore. It made sense. This neighborhood was rotten. Nobody would want to live here. Especially not now when she had gotten her vision and health back. So, maybe she had moved to another house. She was probably somewhere else in the city. Somewhere better. She couldn't have just left him here. Not again.

He almost turned around and left, but instead opted in turning the knob. The door was unlocked, so he opened it. "Loren?" he called as he stepped in.

The living room was deserted. There was nothing there to show that anyone was living there. No couch. No TV. No small stand. "Mom?" he called out shakily, closing the door behind him. He checked the kitchen. Nothing. No plates. No forks. No other utensils. No food. No chairs or dining table.

"Mom? Mom, it's me, Tobias. I came back."

He ran upstairs, checking her room. Nothing. The restroom. Nothing. The closet. Nothing. "Mom!" he yelled. His voice was trembling now, choked with emotion as the truth sunk in. There was nothing! Nothing and nothing and nothing! The house was empty, uninhabited.

Tears threatened his vision, and he leaned against the wall. His breaths were coming in strangled gasps, and he bit his lip to stop himself from screaming. She was gone. She was really gone. She abandoned him, again.

He screamed and punched the wall. "No! No, no, no, no! Stupid! I'm so godamn stupid!" Tears were running from his face freely now, but he didn't care. Everyone! Everyone left him! Elfangor, Loren, Rachel... Didn't anyone care? He screamed again and punched the wall until his hands bled, until there were red stains on the wood. Then, he fell to his knees and broke into inconsolable sobs. Just like in the woods.

He wasn't being fair, and he knew it. He couldn't have expected her to stay and wait for him. She had to move on and remake her life, to start fresh. But he just... He just, couldn't... He needed somebody. Somebody who didn't bring back memories of the war, good or bad. Somebody who was supposed to love him unconditionally. Somebody who was supposed to be there for him, no matter what. He wanted his mother. He needed his mother. But as it turned out, she didn't need him. Maybe she didn't even want him.

He tried to get up, but he just fell back down again. He tried to stop the tears, but they just kept flowing. Coming here was a mistake. He should have just stayed in his meadow, where at least he had his hawk self to shield him from the pain. Or at least numb it a bit.

Even after he stopped wailing and shaking, he didn't move. He didn't know what he was expecting. Maybe for her to show up. Maybe for Loren to just materialize out of nowhere and embrace him. But she never did.

...

He retreated into his hawk mind after that. It was just like after his first kill all over again. He wasn't aware of how much time passed, or where he was, or what he was. Tobias the boy didn't exist anymore, at least not often. It was just the predator now, the one who didn't care about sadness or grief. The one who didn't remember betrayal, old friends, lost family members, or the ghost of a reckless smile and fierce eyes. All the hawk thought about was the next meal or the occasional intruding bird that he had to chase away. The hawk was the one who was in control. That was the way it was supposed to be.

Sometimes, however, a small voice screamed in the background. A cry of a little boy who the world forgot. The hawk was a bit confused by this, but it ignored it for the most part and went back to his usual routine. There were other times, though, when in the middle of the night the hawk would wake up with a screech, suddenly terrified for no reason. It was then when Tobias made an appearance again, when the human was suddenly aware of his surroundings and all the suppressed memories came rushing back, and he wondered when he would be able to let it all go, to just finally be able to surrender to his predatory instinct indefinitely and never return.

Of course, this didn't last long, and by the next day, the hawk returned and took the reins again until the teenager returned, and the cycle began again.

...

Nearly a month later, Ax was calling his name again in the middle of the woods. Cassie and Marco had given up already, but Ax still showed up once or twice a week, so hearing him wasn't a surprise.

What was a surprise was seeing him in his natural body instead of in the northern harrier morph he used to try and track him down. It was useless, of course. If Tobias didn't want to be found, he would not be found. Simple as that.

Another difference was that Ax had come while Tobias was in one of those moods. Tobias-the-kid had resurfaced and the hawk was left flummoxed as this unpleasant emotion called sadness engulfed him. It was in those moods that Tobias seriously considered just flapping his wings as hard as he could, flying as high as he could, and just plummeting to the ground once and for all. Maybe the pain would end then, and he wouldn't suffer anymore. Maybe there was an afterlife and Rachel was waiting for him. Or maybe he would go straight to hell. And if he did... oops? He honestly didn't think life could get any worse.

((Tobias, please. There is something I wish to speak to you about.)) Ax's voice snapped him out of his depressing thoughts. He seemed desperate, and Tobias knew that whatever he had to say, it was important.

He made no move to get off his perch.

((Tobias?)) Ax looked around hopefully, his stalk eyes darting back in forth trying to catch sight of his friend. A couple of minutes later, he slumped a bit in defeat and let out a resigned sigh. ((I guess you are not coming again,)) he said.

He started to walk off, and without thinking about it, Tobias glided down to the ground and began to morph. At the sudden noise, Ax whipped his head around and watched in awe as his shorm and nephew emerged in front of his eyes for the first time in three months.

When his morph was complete, Tobias simply said, "Hey, Ax-man. Long time no see," in a hoarse voice.

((Tobias...)) The affection in Ax's voice made Tobias's eyes well up with unshed tears and he launched himself at the Andalite, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. Even though he thought his arms would break under Tobias's strong hold, Ax still closed his eyes and embraced his nephew, relief of finding him flooding through his veins.

Tobias started to weep again, but this time, he wasn't alone. Ax didn't say anything. He just held him and stroked his blond hair as he cried.

Ax walked them over to a nearby tree to lean on for support as Tobias still clung to him. He continued to hug him until Tobias's loud sobs were reduced to sniffles, and then he said, ((I missed you.)) At this, Tobias began to cry all over again, but Ax never let go.

"Okay," Tobias said after a couple of minutes. "Okay. Okay, I'm-" He let out of a few shaky breaths. "I'm okay," he said and disentangled himself from Ax's arms. "I'm okay," he repeated, trying to convince himself more than Ax.

((I'm glad I found you,)) Ax said, but his eyes were sad.

"Yeah, me too," Tobias said with a small smile. He was wondering why he hadn't done this before. Why he hadn't just let himself be found. He was still sad, yes. The sorrow hadn't left. But he felt... better here with Ax, knowing that there was someone there to support him.

((I'm glad I found you,)) he repeated. ((I'm glad I found you before...)) his voice trailed off, and he looked down, appearing nervous all of a sudden.

Tobias looked confused. "Found me before wha- oh," he said, as he realized what Ax meant, and his heart sank.

"You're leaving." It wasn't a question. His voice was flat.

((Yes,)) Ax said.

Of course he would leave. Everybody left. He suddenly felt like throwing up, and he turned his head away, willing himself not to start crying again.

((I won't,)) Ax continued, ((if you do not want me to. I will stay with you, if you wish.))

Without thinking about it, Tobias said, "No."

((What?)) Ax asked, confused.

"No," Tobias repeated. He sounded confident, but inside he was screaming at himself to shut up, to let Ax stay. "Ax, I can't let you stay here with me. It's always been your dream to become a Prince and I can't take that away from you. Besides, you have to go back home to your parents." Just because his parents didn't care didn't mean Ax's didn't.

After a few seconds, Ax said quietly, ((Then come with me,)) then added after a pause, ((I do not want to leave you alone.))

Without hesitating, Tobias responded, "Okay." He would have been offended at Ax's comment before, saying that he was fine on his own and that he didn't need anyone. But that wasn't true anymore, and they both knew it.

Ax's eyes lit up, but then Tobias added, "Not now, though." At Ax's confused face he said, "I will go, but not now. I..." He looked down and took a breath. "I need to pull myself together first. I don't think I want to pull a scene like this in front of the other Andalites," he said, referring to his mental breakdown. "Besides, you should probably give your parents a heads up about the whole Elfangor thing." He didn't think his parents would react too kindly if they knew Elfangor had had an illegitimate child. And, oh yes! He was from another species.

((As you wish,)) Ax said, though he sounded a bit deflated. ((But Tobias?))

"Yes?"

((You have to promise me that you won't hurt yourself.))

"What?" Tobias asked, shocked that Ax had said that, and a bit of anger seeped into his voice.

((I am serious, Tobias,)) he said with a stern voice. ((I want you to swear to me that you won't hurt yourself. That you'll try to move on.)) At Tobias's silence, he said a little more desperately, ((Please. I'm not telling you to become a human nothlit or to contact the others if you have no desire to do so, even though I highly recommend you to the latter because they are worried about you. But you cannot continue to live like this. You cannot completely isolate and lose yourself!))

After a pause, Tobias agreed. "Okay," he said. "Okay, I promise."

Ax smiled at him. ((Good. I will come back for you, then. Now... I would love to enjoy one last delicious cinnamon bun before I leave. Would you care to accompany me?))

Tobias gave a weak laugh and wrapped his arms around him again. "Thank you," he whispered. Then added, "I love you, Ax."

And he did. Ax was his best friend. His uncle. The only family member that still cared about him. He was always looking out for him. Besides Rachel, he had kept him sane during the war and had understood him in ways not even she could because they were both the outcasts of their group. And now, he was probably the person that mattered most to him.

Ax hugged him back. "I love you too, my shorm."

...

The next few weeks were spent getting in touch with humanity again. He didn't talk to anyone or morphed human, though. Instead, he flew around the city and retook one of the few hobbies he had during the war: people watching.

Of course, now he wasn't trying to look for new Controllers since everybody had been freed. Now he was trying to re-accustom himself to humans and remember how to act like one. He was planning on talking to Cassie and Marco to reassure them that he was fine. He just wanted to do it without breaking down in front of them like he had with Ax.

His favorite place to be in was in the park, where everyone was calm and peaceful. Usually he would perch on the tree on top of a bench where people would often sit down and read a book, and then he would read over their shoulders and distract himself for as long as they stayed. Once or twice he had managed to read an entire book instead of just a few pages or a few chapters.

However, when he flew by the city, sometimes he stopped outside of big shops with glass doors. Sometimes they had TV's exhibited and sometimes they had the news on. From what he had gathered from the TV and snaps of conversations he had caught, the other Animorphs were quite busy.

Marco had just signed a contract to help some director with a new Animorphs TV show. Like if he needed a daily reminder of the atrocities of war. Cassie was helping the Hork-bajir with some legal stuff to protect them from poachers and from the press along with Rachel's mom. He made a mental note to visit Toby and the others soon. Jake... Well, he didn't care to find out about Jake. And anyway, his face didn't appear much on the camera much to the media's disappointment.

Tobias had also heard much about himself. There were rumors that he had morphed human permanently and was hiding out there somewhere. Others thought that he was dead and had committed suicide. Still, some idiots out there believed that there was no Tobias. That there never had been and the other Animorphs had made him up. Like if the press didn't have footage of him coming out of the Pool Ship that fateful day.

He rarely saw anyone who looked depressed or sad over the terrors that had occurred during the war. The people had moved on. Tobias expected to feel upset and left out over this, but he didn't. He was relieved to know that people were still able to carry on and that there was a world outside of his misery.

...

He sat alone in a table for two, nervously darting his eyes around the foot court. He took a small sip from his Starbucks's Frappuccino (double chocolaty chip) and let out a small moan. It had been forever since he'd had chocolate.

The people around him chattered noisily, all lost in their own little worlds. Nobody paid any attention to him. Nobody would guess that this thin, blond, seemingly shy teenager was actually the famous Tobias, the lost Animorph. That was okay with him. He never liked the spot light, anyway.

It had taken a whole lot of convincing to persuade himself to actually come to the mall. It had taken even longer to find clothes since the old mall where he kept his clothes had been destroyed during the war. He'd had some stashed in the construction site, but that place was off limits because it was being reconstructed into a memorial. There was no way he was going back to Rachel's house for his third set of clothes. In the end, he'd gotten some of Ax's clothes from his now abandoned scoop. He'd also collected some scattered chain to pay for the drink.

The mall was packed. It had been a while since he'd been a part of civilization, so the cramped space bothered him. His hawk instincts, which he had even in morph, and his own natural claustrophobia made him a bit jumpy and anxious to leave. However, he told that part of him to shut up and ignored it. Overall, it was actually kind of nice.

His eyes focused on a parent who was having trouble with his child. The toddler was clinging to his leg, begging him to take him back to the candy store, and the father was desperately trying to calm his son down. Tobias smiled a bit, and told himself, This isn't so bad, before freezing in his spot.

His eyes had locked on a new target, two teenagers about his age who were kissing by the fountain. They looked nothing like him and Rachel, and besides, they weren't much for PDA. But still, his blood ran cold and he suddenly felt sick.

He quickly stood up and almost tripped over the foot of the table when he ran to throw away his half-empty drink. He rushed out of the foot court and past an elderly man who called out to him, "Son, are you okay?"

He ran into the nearest restroom which was surprisingly empty and slammed the door behind him when he went into a stall. He fell to his knees and threw up. Even when he was done, he still dry heaved into the toilet.

His hands were shaking and his breaths came out in rapid gasps. Tears suddenly threatened his vision, but he refused to let them fall. He leaned his head back against the wall and he wrapped his arms around his knees.

Silently, he cursed himself for being so weak. How was he supposed to move on when he lost his composure for something as simple as that? If he reacted like this when he saw two teenagers, who had no connection to him or to the war, making out, how badly would he fall apart when he met up with Marco and Cassie again, who actually reminded him of Rachel?

"I can't do this," he whispered. "I can't do this." He dug his nails into his arms as a way to stop himself from crying. "I can't. I can't."

...

On Rachel's birthday, Tobias made sure to be at the cemetery at 12:00 in the morning sharp. The cemetery was closed, so he had eight hours to mourn Rachel in piece.

When he got there, he immediately morphed human and sat down next to the memorial, laying his head against the tomb. "Happy birthday, Rach," he whispered and didn't say anything else. Rachel's body wasn't there, of course, but it was the best place to properly mourn her.

He didn't cry. He didn't think he was capable of shedding more tears. Besides, if there was an afterlife and Rachel was watching him, he knew she wouldn't like to see him cry. Instead, his mind wandered off to the last time he saw her before her death. The last time he was truly happy.

"Rachel, shouldn't you be saying goodbye to your family instead of talking to me?" he said as his beak turned into a mouth. She had caught up to him and practically begged him to morph human.

"Yeah. But I wanted to talk to you first. You know, just in case something goes wrong tomorrow." She flashed him a smile, but he knew her well and he knew that something was up. There was some uncertainty in her face.

"Don't talk like that," he said quickly grabbing her cheek. "We'll be fine. We always are." Anything else was unthinkable.

"Yeah." She sighed and leaned against his touch, wrapping her arms around his waist. "We either die tomorrow or we win."

"Hopefully the latter," Tobias said. "Has Jake talked to you, yet?"

Rachel stiffened a bit, but she instantly relaxed. "Yeah, he did," she said a little sadly.

He knew not to pry. Jake had given them all instructions privately, so nobody knew the entire plan but him. Tobias knew that it was for the best. If any one of them was caught, the Yeerks wouldn't know enough information to stop the mission. Still, Tobias couldn't help but worry about Rachel even though he knew that Jake would never endanger her if he could help it. The thought of losing her was unbearable.

It was that fear that had led to his decision, and he said a little nervously, "Hey, Rachel? I'm going to do it."

She looked up at him in confusion. "Do what?"

"After it's over. After tomorrow, I'm going to morph human permanently." His voice was a little shaky, but it was determined.

Instantly her face lit up, but then she frowned a bit. "Are you sure? Tobias, you don't have to if you don't want to."

"I'm sure," he said with certainty.

Rachel still looked upset. However, he was unsure why. Wasn't this what she'd always wanted? What she'd always insisted on? "But... why..."

Tobias laughed softly. "What do you mean why? Because-" At this, he blushed a bit. Shyly, he said the words that he'd never been brave enough to say. "Because I love you."

Instantly his face was pulled down to hers and she kissed him hard, only pulling away for air. He closed his eyes and kissed her back, feeling pure contentment. When he opened opened his eyes again, however, he found that she was crying.

"Rach? Rachel, what's wrong?" he asked, panicked. Had he done something to upset her?

She shook her head. After a few shaky breaths, said without any hesitation in her voice, "You mean the world to me. You are the most important person in my life, and don't you over forget that. Okay?"

For a second, he didn't think about anything else but the magical words that she had just spoken, and a wide smile graced his features. "I won't," he said, and soundly kissed her again.

Somewhere along the way they ended up on the forest floor. Somewhere along the way their clothes ended up on a pile next to them. Somewhere along the way when the pleasure took over his body, he realized that life was good, and that this was right. Somewhere along the way he realized that this was what the rest of his life was going to be like. No more pain. No more suffering. Only love. Somewhere along the way, he foolishly thought that he could have a happy ending.

"Oh, man," he groaned as he went back to reality and he was left with that familiar aching in his heart again. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them.

Tobias, better than anyone, knew that whenever someone was happy, life always came along and took it away. So, why had he thought that this would be different? He had been so caught up in the moment that he hadn't realized Rachel was saying goodbye.

Suddenly, he heard leaves crunching and he froze. Looking up, the sadness instantly fled and he was left with a hot flash of anger. "I thought I'd find you here," the person in front of him said.

((Hey, Jake,)) Tobias called out joyfully as he spotted his leader walking through the Valley. Jake looked up at him and gave him a small smile. Taking this as an invitation, he flew down and perched on the branch above Jake's head. ((What are you doing?))

"Just giving last minute instructions for tomorrow. You? You seem cheerful today."

((I was just talking with Rachel right now.))

Instantly, the smile wiped off Jake's face, and Tobias grew a bit uneasy. "Oh," he said guardedly. "What'd she say?"

((Umm...)) Tobias trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. ((Stuff. Nothing about the mission. Don't worry about it,)) he said quickly.

Jake nodded, then gave him a forced smile. "Are you worried?"

Tobias thought about it. Then, he thought about what would happen after the war, and what Rachel had told him in the woods. Had he been human, he would've been grinning like an idiot. ((No. Not really. You?))

Jake gave a bitter laugh. "I'm the leader, Tobias. It's my job to worry."

((Hey, man. Just think, if we win this thing tomorrow, and the odds are better than a lot of our other battles, I think, your family will finally be free,)) he said comfortingly.

Jake looked down, and Tobias could have sworn he saw a look of self-disgust on his face. ((Jake, it'll be fine.))

Jake looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I'm sure it will. See you tomorrow, Tobias. I got to go."

Tobias wondered how he could have been so naive. How he stupidly stood there and comforted Jake. Jake, who knew exactly what was going to happen. Jake, who saw him happy and optimistic and didn't warn him about the horrors up ahead. Jake, who knew that the next day all his hopes and dreams would be shattered into a billion irreparable pieces and didn't say a damn thing. Jake, who he had foolishly considered a friend.

Tobias remembered what Elfangor had told him once. He said that his friends were his family now. Well, would family send each other to their deaths? Would family take away what you held most dear to you? He didn't have much experience with family, but he was pretty sure the answer was no. When Tobias broke the fetal position and looked up at Jake, only one word flashed through his mind. Traitor.

"Do you have any idea how wrong it is to bother someone at a cemetery?" Tobias hissed.

It was dark and his human vision was crap, but he could see his smirk. "Yeah, but this was the only place I could be sure to find you."

"Maybe because I don't want to be found," he snapped, anger seeping through his voice. At Jake's chuckle, he added, "Especially not by you."

That wiped the smirk off his face, but it returned a second later. "Typical you. Running away from your problems."

Tobias knew what Jake was trying to do. He wanted to make him mad and get a reaction out of him. Knowing this didn't stop Tobias from snarling, "Fuck you."

Jake laughed. "Sorry, Tobias. I don't roll that way."

Tobias stood up, rage drawn on his face. Part of him wanted to attack Jake right then. To rip him apart limb by limb. But he knew that he couldn't do that. Not here in front of Rachel's tomb. "You're an asshole. How dare you laugh at me? How dare you come over here and taunt me, when this is all your fault? How can you even show your face here, knowing that if it wasn't for you, Rachel would still be alive!? God damnit, Jake! She could be happy right now! We could be-"

"HEY! What are you doing here?" Sudden light blinded him, and he looked away. It was then he noticed the angry tears that were streaming down his face. So much for not crying.

He wiped his eyes and looked back. "Sorry, Jerry. I just wanted to come here before the masses did," Jake said to who appeared to be a security guard. Tobias shot a look at Jake when he said the guard's name. Just how often did he come here?

"Oh." Jerry's face lit up. "Well, I suppose I could make an exception for you, Mr. Berenson." He shone his flashlight at Tobias. "You, however, will have to leave."

"What? Why does he get special treatment?" Tobias shouted angrily.

"He's with me," Jake said quickly to avoid trouble.

Tobias glared at him. "I'm not with you, dumbass."

"Young man!" Jerry, exclaimed, shocked. "Do you know who this is?"

"Yes, I know exactly who this idiot is. And if I have to leave, then so does he. I have as much of a right to be here as he does."

"Oh? And who might you be?" the guard asked, annoyed.

"I'm Tobias," he hissed. "Rachel's boyfriend."

This revelation seemed to shock the guard into silence, and Tobias smirked. "Excuse him," Jake intervened, stepping in front of Tobias. "He's usually friendlier, but he's quite upset today, understandably so. Would you mind leaving us alone, Jerry? I promise we won't cause any trouble."

Jerry nodded, sent an apologetic look at Tobias, turned off his flashlight, and left. When he was gone, Jake looked over at Tobias, and said, "I didn't know you could be such a jerk."

Tobias let out a bitter laugh. Jake continued. "Look, I know things are rough. I know that it hurts. But isolating yourself... That's not going to help."'

Tobias leaned back against the tomb, and slid to the floor. After a few seconds, he said softly, "Do you think this is easy for me? I'm trying, okay? I really am. But it's kind of hard to move on when the only person who really loved you is gone." Tears where falling down his face again.

"No," Jake said a bit harshly. "You stop that right there. That's not true, and you know it. There are other people who care. Ax, Cassie, Marco, Toby, Loren... me..."

Tobias didn't bother to correct him about Loren, but he knew the others cared. He just wasn't about to let Jake get the last word. "I don't know, Jake. Sometimes you think that people care, but they end up backstabbing you." The pain was evident in his voice. The betrayal he always felt when he thought about Jake came back and hit him full force.

Jake knelt and tried to put his hand on Tobias's shoulder, but he shrank back. "No! Don't touch me!" He saw the hurt on Jake's face, and for an instant he felt a pang of guilt, but he shrugged it off. He wasn't the one who should be apologetic.

"I'm sorry," Jake whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God, Tobias, you have no idea how much I regret everything. If I could take it all back, I would."

"Yeah?" Tobias said a bit too harshly. "Being sorry is not going to change things."

"Tobias, please," Jake was crying now, practically begging him for forgiveness. "I never meant to hurt you or anyone, but especially not you. You have to believe me. I just wanted to end the war. I was desperate."

Funny, how now Tobias was actually feeling sympathy for his former leader. He almost forgave him, then. Almost. But then he remembered a time when the tables were turned, and it was Tobias who was begging Jake to reconsider. He remembered how he had still given the order, Rachel, go. Jake hadn't even given him a second glance then. So why should Tobias spare him now?

"No. Sorry, but no. Now if you'll excuse me, would you mind leaving? I really don't want to be in the presence of my girlfriend's killer at her memorial," he said coldly.

He could practically hear something shatter in Jake. Tobias felt a kind of bad, yes, but anger was always the strongest emotion. Jake stood up and walked a few steps before stopping.

"Hate me all you want, Tobias, but it's not going to help you," he called back.

Jake morphed owl, and flew away, Tobias's gaze following him. Tobias leaned his head against Rachel's tomb again and whispered, "I'm sorry, Rachel." He stayed there until his time was almost up, then flew away.

...

Tobias sat at the the edge of the cliff, feet dangling in the air. The sound of water hitting rocks filled his ears as he looked out into the waterfall. It was about a fifty meter drop. No one would survive a fall like that. Not even him.

He played with a fallen branch and thought about what had happened the day before. Jake was wrong. Hating him, being angry at him, had helped Tobias. Now, after he had screamed at Jake and let out much of his bottled up emotions, Tobias felt empty. Numb.

He didn't even feel sad anymore and couldn't summon his grief. His heart was just a blank sheet with no emotions, and he thought that that was worse than actual melancholy.

He rested his elbows on his thighs. What was the point, really? Why was he even still trying? Why not end it all right here?

He looked down at the waterfall fall again and considered just jumping off. Would it really be so bad? He was just so tired. So worn out. Breathing, living, actually feeling something... Just existing took too much energy he didn't think he had. So why not just... stop?

He stood up, and took a shaky step towards the edge of the cliff. Another inch and he would really be gone.

He picked up his foot to move it forward, but instead he took a step back and shook his head. He sighed, demorphed, and took to the sky without looking back.