He had to stop doing that, Leonard thought. It wasn't fair. Not for the crew, that had has not got had free access to the holodeck, not for Jim, who had probably noticed that something was wrong because he had been acting oddly the last few weeks, not even for him. He kept telling himself that he was still improving his skills, but that was not true. He made changes in every session, looked for ways to to make things easier, faster, more realistic, but he already knew more than enough for the therapy to work well.

Leonard was not going to lie to himself. He didn't keep going into the holodeck because he needed to learn any more, he came because he couldn't give up to those moments with Jim. Even if they were not real, and he knew that they were not real, he still was not delusional., inside Inside those four walls he didn't have to share him with his crew or watch him look for someone new to share his bed. Inside those four walls, Leonard had Jim's full, undivided attention and it wasn't easy to give up something like that up.

He could go farther away, make his false Jim flirt with him shamelessly, maybe even have a false relationship with him, but that would make harder to go back to the real world. In real life, there were was not no chances of Jim being interested on in him. To Jim he was Bones, his best friend, the guy who was always there when things went to hell and, even if sometimes Leonard hated that situation, he was happy to know that, at the end, Jim always came back to him.

Leonard didn't know when things had changed but, sometime between the shuttle to San Francisco and the Christmas break on their second year in the Academy, he had fallen in love. And it was not a fleeting feeling. It wasn't, as it had been with Jocelyn, love at first sight with the beautiful, funny, brilliant girl who had made him lose reason and throw common sense through the window.

It was deeper, stronger, more real, because he knew the kid and loved his too blue to be real eyes to be real, his cheeky smile, his loyalty, his absolute dedication to the things that caught on his interest. But he loved his reckless tendency to jump before looking, his stubbornness, hisand his love for joining fights that he couldn't win even when he knew that he couldn't win too and wouldn't change him for anything in the world.

This was the real thing and Leonard was too much of a coward to make do something about it. In his place, he was sure that Jim wouldn't doubt and go after what he wished but he... Friendship was only a part of what he wanted from Jim. He wanted a lot more. He wanted it all, but he was not ready to risk what he already had for something that probably wouldn't last. Jim was not known for his long term relationships and Leonard knew that he wouldn't be ok with only a few nights on in his friend's bed, so friendship was what he had and what he expected to have for a long time.

And he was lucky to have that, Leonard said sternly to himself while he crossed the door to the holodeck one more time. A smile appeared slowly in his face when he looked around. He had changed the decoration for that night. Every year after Thanksgiving Jake, Brennon's owner, went into some kind of Christmas frenzy. Lights appeared around every window, bowls with candy were placed on the bar and candles on every table. Mistletoe hung all around the place and was changed of place randomly to catch by surprise the off guard clients by surprise.

Some of the new patrons found Jake's love for Christmas funny, but Leonard liked it. Before his divorce, Christmas had been his favourite time of the year. He knew that Jim and some of the yeomen were organizing some kind of multicultural celebration on the ship that year, but it was not the same. He was an open minded man, he wouldn't survive in Starfleet if he wasn't, but Santa and ceremonial songs from Andoria didn't mix well in Leonard's head, so he was going to treat himself with a small dose of Christmas in Brennon's.

"Hei Hey Len!" Kate greeted him from the bar and Leonard made a straight line to the stool that was always free for him Hi He said hi to some of the other clients and sat to wait for Jim. He should came through the door in any moment now. Leonard never knew when that would be. He had programmed the deck to make him appear in an undetermined period between two and ten minutes later than him. In real life Jim didn't use to make him wait more than that.

That nighnight, the door opened almost as soon as Leonard had ordered his bourbon. It had been a very long day in the sickbay. A beer was not going to be enough for him that night. He breathed deep when he saw Jim. He wore the same clothes in every simulation, jeans, white t-shirt and his leather jacket. Just like that morning in Riverside, except for the blood. To Leonard, Jim never looked better that that, not even in his yellow gold uniform and it got him every time.

Leonard allowed himself to drink in the sight. This Jim didn't mind and the one outside would never know, so he enjoyed watching his friend greet people and pat shoulders in his way to the bar. He knew everybody by name there and everybody seemed happy to see him. That had been truth in real life and Leonard hadn't found reasons to change it here, so he waited patiently until Jim pushed the nearer closest stool a little closer and sat so near him that their shoulders brushed.

"Am I late?" Jim asked, waving to call the waitress.

"Nah! I arrived early."Technicallyearly." Technically, it was his fault if the kid arrived late and today he was not on the mood to complain about it.

"You have started strong," Jim signaledsignalled Leonard's bourbon ad and asked for his own drink. "Bad day?"

"No. Not bad. Just... long." Because all his patients of the day were alive and well and there had not been any major medical crisis, but ten hours of physicals were at least three too many for any man's sanity.

"Long as a night in surgery or long as a Friday afternoon with professor Mathews?"

Leonard shuddered. He didn't remember to have charged Mathews in his Jim's pattern of conversation but maybe he had done it. He had spent several hours programming as many little details about him and his friend as he could. There wereIt was often the smaller details what made the simulation realistic.

In any case, it was a good question. A night in surgery used to left him tired and stiff, but fully awake, brimming with adrenaline, satisfied. Professor Mathews classes', however, could kill a man's soul. The man taught Starfleet regulations and bureaucracy to the first year cadets. Three hours sessions every Friday afternoon, after a very long week, in a totally dull tone of voice, studying in excruciating detail how to fill every form ever imagined for the Fleet's bureaucrats, even those that weren't in use any more, were enough to make a student want to kill himself.

"Closer to Mathews," he sighed after a long sip of bourbon.

"So bad, huh?" Jim wrapped an arm around his shoulders. It was something that Jim didn't do often, not even here, and Leonard allowed himself the luxury of leaning against him for a moment. "Then we need to do something to fix it."

Jim's drink arrived just then and he looked around before pushing Leonard gently and make him stand. It was not necessary, Leonard thought. Of course their usual place was unoccupied. It was always available for them, although Jim could not know it.

The pub was a bit crowded that night, something usual on holidays, and Jim cleared a path for them to their table. Leonard followed him without paying attention and almost crashed with him when his friend stopped abruptly.

"What the hell?" He tried to find the reason for the stop, but it seemed there was anyone blocking their way. Maybe he should go through the code again, he frowned, his friend's behaviour today seemed a bit odd. Jim, however, had a big smile on his face.

"Look!" he said turning to Leonard and pointing up. There was mistletoe carefully placed on a light over them. It had happened once or twice before, but Jim had never done anything about it. A quick kiss to his cheeck cheek had been enough all those times but now, before Leonard could say something, Jim put a hand on the lower part of his back, the other one on his shoulder and leaned over to kiss him. Full on the lips.

It was soft, sweet, just a brush of lips, and it was over so soon that Leonard almost believed that he had imagined it. Almost. But Jim was so close that he could see every shadow, every small darkest point on in the impossibeimpossibly blue of his eyes and his smile had disappeared. He was looking at Bones intensely as if he were expecting a reaction.

"Merry Christmas, Bones." He said when Leonard failed to say something, and kissed him again. This time he took his time. Time to taste, to explore Leonard's lips until Leonard relaxed in his arms and returned the kiss. He had dreamed about this moment for so long that now that it was happening he needed a moment to react, but soon he was returning the kiss, pulling Jim closer, giving as much as he took. When Jim's tongue traced the shape of his lips, he opened his mouth and allowed him push inside. Jim's lips were so warmth, so sweet... He couldn't understand why he had not done this before.

Then Jim moaned against his lips and Leonard froze. Fuck! That couldn't be happening. It wasn't possible. He had not programmed the deck for Jim doing that. Under any circumstance. If Jim was kissing him then... Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! He put his hands on his friend's chest and pushed firmly.

"Computer, end simulation." He ordered knowing and fearing what was going to happen. Brennon's disappeared as if it'd never been there, leaving behind an empty room, four grey walls scarcely illuminated. And there, in the middle of the hall, was Jim, jeans, leather jackedjacket, ruffled hair and lips swollen by their kisses, looking at him almost sheepislysheepishly.

"Hi, Bones."

"Jim." Leonard stammered. "This is... This isn't... I can explain it."

"Of course you can."

"Really, this is not what you think."

Jim rose a hand to ask for silence and Leonard closed his mouth immediately. Damn! He had to know that something like this was going to happen. Everything was going too well to last. What if now Jim wanted...Just? Just for once he had notno idea of what Jim could be thinking.

"We need to talk." Jim said and Leonard nodded sadly. He suspected that this was going to be one of those conversations that he didn't enjoy."Butenjoy. "But not here."

"Yes. Of course." Leonard turned to the door. The sooner they finished with this, the better. However, before he could take a step, he felt Jim's hand in his.

"Computer, resume simulation."

Then Brennon's was there again, the noise and the crowd, stunning Leonard for a moment. Still holding his hand, Jim led him to their table by the window and they sat. Not one next to the other as they used to do, but one at on each side of the table. Leonard looked through the window, feeling Jim's eyes on him. A waiter brought them new drinks but nor neither he nor Jim moved to touch them.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jim asked after a long moment.

"About this place?"

"No. Yes. Well, not only about this place. You know what I mean."

Leonard didn't feign that he didn't know what Jim was talking about. It was obvious that he knew what had he been using the deck for. Damned if he understood how his friend had learnt about his feelings but he had, and Leonard might be a coward but he was not going to lie to him.

"I didn't know if you wanted to know." He said, finally looking at Jim again.

"Of course I wanted to know." Jim leaned forward and set his elbows on the table. "Don't you think that I'd be interested in someone like you?"

"Maybe. You made very clear that you wouldn't mind to take me to your bed when we met."Leonardmet." Leonard spoke slowly, thinking very carefully how to phrase what he wanted to say. He had an extensive record of important conversations that went to hell because he had let his tongue run free and he didn't want to screw this one too.

"But by then the divorce was too recent. Everything was too recent, too raw. I wasn't ready even for that. And later I..." He breathed deep and forced himself to admit it out loud for first time. "Then I fell in love, but you had been my best friend for too long. I had seen you date half of the girls in the Academy, some of the guys, and more than a few locals. Even if you still were interested in me that way I couldn't do it. Our friendship was too important for me. I was not risking it for a few nights of sex."

"Oh, come on! I was not so that bad!" Jim's scandalized expression almost made Leonard laugh. "Or maybe I was, but things would have been different if I was with you."

"You don't need to say that." Leonard shook his head. "I was there, remember? You didn't know what long term relationship meant and that's what I'd want if I was with you. But you're my best friend and that's the most important thing for me. I don't want you to change or do something that you're not comfortable with. I'm happy just with your friend friendship."

"Well, maybe that's not enough for me any moreanymore." Jim reached to grab Leonard's hand and held it tighter when Leonard tried to break it free. "You might be right. Maybe then was too soon for us to be something more than friends but it'sits different now. I'm ready for more. I want more."

That was the last thing that Leonard expected to hear from Jim Kirk and he had dreamed about it for so long that he couldn't believe that it was truthtrue.

"Just listen to me." Without letting go of his hand, Jim left his seat and turned walked around the table to seat sit next to Leonard. "We both know that I've done a lot of things with a lot of different people, but I have grew grown up. I'm not that guy any more. Life is never boring with you and you are already are the most long longest term relationship that I've ever had. Coming back home with you every night is what I want to do now. Don't you get it? We can have something so good together. So special. Please, don't say no."

And Leonard wanted to say yes. He wanted to be the man that Jim would come every night for the rest of his life. The only question was, could did he dare to believe him? Had Jim really changed so much? His heart had been broken once before, if it happened again it'd be worse, much worse, and he wouldn't have Starfleet to run away to this time. He breathed deep, looked Jim into the eyes, and that did it. Jim was looking at him same as when he considered a new mission, a new not no win scenario thrown in his way. He was ready to fight for Leonard and the feeling was so overwhelming that he felt almost giddy.

"Let me make this clear," he said reaching with his free hand to touch Jim's face. "If you ever change your mind, I'm going to kick your ass all the way to the Beta Quadrant and back."

"Thanks for the warning, but you don't need to worry. You won't need to do any kicking on of my posterior." Jim eyes were bright and happy. "But now we have more important things to discuss."

"We do?" A hundred of possibilities blew again into Leonard's head. Judging by Jim's smile, however, it couldn't be something bad.

"Yes, we have." Jim leaned forward, so he could embrace Leonard completely. "May I kiss you again now or do I need to find some more mistletoe?"

And Leonard burst into laughter and kissed Jim, wondering if could find some branches to hang in his cabin.