I don't own The Iron Fey.

"This is awful."

Puck was far from pleased. It was almost nightfall in Arcadia, and Lady Weaver had been tugging at him for the past hour. She had tried various different hairstyles- spiked up, slicked back, a little bit of both. In the end, she had just brushed it back to the way that is was. She had then spent a long time rooting through Puck's wardrobe to see if she could find any decent clothes. He had doubted that even Lady Weaver could find something good in there- he hadn't used his room in decades. After shifting through hoodies and jeans, she finally found an old tunic that he had worn once. He had been forced into it centuries ago when he had taken the Scepter of Seasons to the Unseelie. Needless to say, Oberon had never trusted him with it since as he had turn the ogre guards into a fleet of mice.

The tunic was the same green as a bright spring leaf, and Lady Weaver had forced him out of his jeans and into brown breeches and boots.

"I am not here to deal with your annoyance, Robin. I am only here to make you look presentable." Lady Weaver snapped at him.

"But I look like…Well, like a faery." He complained, looking at himself in the mirror.

"You are a faery, Robin. Embrace it." Lady Weaver sighed, and left the room.

"Doesn't mean I have to look like one." Puck grumbled. He considered changing into his jeans and green hoodie, but then decided that it probably wasn't worth the wrath of Lady Weaver.

He sighed and left his room, slamming the door behind him. He followed the paths through the Briars until he reached a small clearing in the heart of the Seelie court, surrounded by tall green oaks. A light wood stage was set up in the middle of the clearing and on the stage was a chair, followed by a small wall, followed by another chair, and another wall. In total there were four chairs on the stage- one for Puck, and three for each of the nightmares he was going to be questioning. Bleachers stood tall in front of the stage, intricate designs of flowers and vines carved into the sides. They were already half full, and the audience cheered when they saw him.

"Puck! Over here!" A tall sidhe stood on the stage, wearing a brown shirt and green breeches. His dark hair was slicked back with enough gel to kill a small giant, but unlike the other summer fey he actually looked sort of friendly.

"Erm, hey." Puck greeted him awkwardly. He went to shove his hands in his pockets but cursed when he realized he had none.

"So, I've got three lovely ladies lined up for you today- all summer fey. They're just so excited that they might get to go one a date with the Robin Goodfellow! You're kind of famous, y'know?" The show's host gushed.

"Great. Let's get this party started then, right?" Puck sighed. In the small amount of time that they'd been talking, the rest of the audience had found their seats.

"Okay. First, I'm going to ask you some questions so you should take a seat." The presenter explained. Reluctantly, Puck sat down on the simple wooden seat.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Seelie and Unseelie, phoukas and trolls...Welcome to this week's showing of 'The Nevernever-Ending Love Seeker!" He yelled, using glamour to project his voice as if speaking into a microphone.

"I'm Aonghus, your beloved summer host! Tonight I'd like to welcome a very famous fae to the stage, the one and only Mr Robin Goodfellow. Let's hear it for Puck!" Aonghus yelled, and the audience whooped again.

"Hey." Puck gave a half-hearted wave. He thought he caught a glimpse of Grimalkin in the audience, but he blinked and the cat was gone. Oberon and Titania, however, had made an appearance. They sat in front of the ranks of grinning redcaps, slobbering ogres and cackling spriggans.

"Tell us a bit about yourself, Puck." Aonghus smiled encouragingly at him.

"Well, I'm Puck. I like apples and hate cait siths." He said.

"Hm…Okay then. What are you looking for in a girl?"

Leader of an iron realm was what he really wanted to say. That probably wasn't a good idea, seeing as Grimalkin would probably make him take part again next week if he did.

"Someone who won't eat me." Puck started. "Normal sized teeth. Limbs in all the right places. Preferably has only one face, but I'm not too picky."

"Alrighty then!" Aonghus stood and walked over to the first section of wall. The audience could see inside it, but Puck could not.

"Girl one enjoys long walks across jagged rocks, boys who don't mind when she nibbles their fingers, and has a thing for redcaps!" He announced, and Puck visibly shivered.

"Girl two!" Aonghus walked to the second section. "This girl enjoys dancing, running, and trips to the salon!"

"Last but not least, girl three likes to swim, sing, and kill mortals!"

Puck cringed. There were very little ways that the situation could possible get worse.

"So." The presenter stood at the end of the line. "I have glamoured the girls' voices to make them sound different, so that this is completely fair. Puck may ask three questions before he makes his choice."

Everybody turned to look at Puck expectantly. He blew hair from his forehead and tried to think of an important question.

"When fighting, what's your weapon of choice?"

"I like to use my teeth to rip their throats out." The first girl's voice came out sounding like she had inhaled helium, and Puck bit back a life at how ridiculous that voice made the sentence sound.

"Girl two?" Aonghus coaxed.

"Hmm…I don't really like fighting. I guess I just kick, or I'll use a small knife." She answered. Puck nodded, more approving of that answer than the previous one.

"Fighting is so crude, darling." The glamour made the third girl sound like Donald Duck. "Just sing, like I do!"

Puck rolled his eyes at the identity give away.

"Mermaid much?" He grumbled. "Alright then…What does your diet consist of?"

"Mainly other fey that can't get away- but I like a good hamburger, too." Helium-girl responded.

"I eat mainly fruit, like summerpods. I enjoy faery wine too." The second girl's voice sounded like nails running down a chalkboard.

"Fish. And mortals." Girl three grinned.

"Final question, Puck! Make it a good one!" Aonghus winked.

"Jesus…Um…Okay. How often are you in the Wyldwood?" Puck deemed this to be important, seeing as he spent a lot of time there himself.

"I love the Wyldwood. I visit all the time, because you can kill people there." Puck could hear the toothy grin in the first girl's voice.

"Not so much. It's a dangerous place, but I visit every so often to pick herbs and berries."

"I live in the Wyldwood, just outside of the Erlking's territories. The river runs clearest there." The third girl was creeping Puck out, but not as much as the first. The second just seemed kind of…dull.

"So Puck, you've gotten to know our three lovely ladies! Who will be accompanying you on a date tonight?" Aonghus looked at Puck expectantly, and he bit back another sigh.

"Well it's a tough choice." He lied. "I'm really drawn to the whole 'Flesh-eater' thing, but I think I'm going to have to go with girl number two. She seems like the least likely one to try and murder me."

The walls rumbled and slowly slid down into slats in the stage. Puck came face to face with the closest girl, a wart covered troll that only had four teeth.

"Esmee, unlucky." He addressed the troll, and then turned to the blue haired mermaid in human form at the other end of the stage. "Meara, thanks for coming out."

The two fey hissed at Puck as they left the stage. The other section was yet to be opened, and Puck was sweating more than a boggart at the beach. He really didn't want to become a Puck sandwich. Slowly, the walls rumbled down.

"And tonight's winner…" The walls rumbled the whole way down. "Kyna!"

Sat in line with Puck was one of the plumpest female satyrs he had ever seen in his centuries long life.

"Congratulations you two!" Aonghus cheered a long with the rest of the audience. Puck glanced down at the two summer royals, who were laughing so hard that glamour was shooting around all over the place making the grass grow long.

"I'm going to kill you, Grimalkin." Puck muttered under his breath as the satyr took his arm.