Type: one-shot (short)

Rating: M

Time: towards the end of Lost Souls

Alexander Gideon Lightwood had never been as nervous as he was as he walked from the familiar New York Institute, across the city, towards the apartment of the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Who was, coincidentally, also his boyfriend. Though Alec wasn't sure how much longer Magnus Bane would want to be his boyfriend, after he'd said his piece. He was expecting to be broken up with on the spot.

The streets were still damp from the downpour the previous night, and the lamplights reflected off the puddles, making Alec's perpetually-pale skin appear even paler. It was just another part of himself that made him less noticeable beside Jace's all-golden appearence. Alec didn't mind being in Jace's shadow to the rest of the world—Jace was perhaps the one person in the world who didn't think of Alec as lesser.

But of course, thoughts of Jace only served to make his heart ache. Absent-mindedly, his fingertips went to his shoulder, where his parabatai rune was. He felt empty. Like Jace had just disappeared off the face of the planet.

But not as empty as he'd feel momentarily, he knew. Once Magnus threw him aside in disgust... Alec didn't even want to stray into thoughts of how terrible he'd feel.

When he reached Magnus' apartment, it took him a moment to work up the courage to go inside. He'd texted the warlock earlier to say that they needed to talk, but, rather than the novel-like texts Magnus usually sent, he merely got a 'see you later' in reply.

Not that he could blame him. Well, not entirely. Alec knew that he'd been behaving badly over the past few days, weeks, however long it was, but his insecurities had gotten the better of him, as he'd always known they would. Magnus was hundreds of years old, ridiculously self-confident, and outrageously hot. It shouldn't have surprised Alec that he'd had plenty of past lovers. But somehow, it still hurt. Stupidly, he'd thought that he was special; that their relationship was somehow more. Clearly, it wasn't. He was just the latest in a long line, no matter what Magnus said. While that should have been enough, it wasn't.

And Alec knew nothing about Magnus. That was what hurt the most. He could share all he wanted with the warlock, but he'd never get any information back. Perhaps he could have dealt with the past lovers if Magnus were honest, but instead, he turned every serious conversation about his past into joking humour, and hastily attempted to change the subject. Alec knew that he'd never be okay with that. Maybe his problem was that he struggled to explain his feelings at all, and he'd certainly never come close to telling Magnus the extent of what he felt regarding how little he knew of the warlock's past. On the tiny, off-chance that Magnus didn't immediately throw him out, perhaps tonight would be the night that Alec finally did explain it all.

That had been why this had all started in the first place, of course. She'd immediately realised Alec's weaknesses, played on his insecurities and, at the end of the day, his stupidity. He'd been hungry to know more about Magnus. And she could give him more. Camille Belcourt had known exactly how to play him, and, for far too long, he'd let her.

Alec was snapped out of his thoughts when a passing stranger muttered something that was undoubtedly rude under his breath. The Shadowhunter sucked in a lungful of air, pulled out his key, and unlocked the door to Magnus' apartment. The likelihood of him still having that key by the end of the night was slim. But at least he was going to be honest. Unlike someone.

"Hi," Alec said awkwardly, shutting the door behind him. Magnus was sat on one end of the couch, back ramrod straight and legs crossed, looking at Alec with a blank expression.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" Magnus asked sourly, face shuttered.

Alec sighed, and ran a hand through his rain-slicked hair. "I've done something stupid."

Magnus' curiosity was, of course, immediately peaked. It flashed in his cat-like eyes, and he regarded Alec with a warmer expression than he had before. But he didn't say a word.

Alex leant back against the wall, and looked anywhere but Magnus' inscrutable face. "I'm so sorry. By the Angel, I've been so stupid, and I can't even begin to tell you how much I regret it."

Still, Magnus didn't speak.

"I don't know where to start," he muttered, thinking about all Camille's offers, what she'd told him, what he'd told her, their discussions about Magnus' immortality...

And then the words poured out of him. Alec wasn't entirely sure where they'd come from, but he told Magnus everything stupid he'd done regarding Camille - even considering her offer about taking away Magnus' immortality. He rushed to explain himself before Magnus could speak: about how he felt like he was merely the latest in a long line, and that knowing nothing of Magnus' past didn't sit comfortably with him.

Alec's words started to dry up. Magnus' expression hadn't changed from the emotionless mask he'd had on since Alec had walked into the apartment.

"I'm so sorry," the Shadowhunter murmured, looking down as his feet, shame written across his features as he turned towards the door. "I'll just go."

"Wait. Alexander."

Alec stopped, hand still resting on the doorknob, and turned his head back towards his boyfriend. His ex-boyfriend, he somehow suspected.

"Don't go," Magnus said, voice soft. "Sit."

Hesitantly, Alec sat down on the other end of the warlock's couch, facing him. He chewed on his lower lip nervously, trying to work out what Magnus was going to say, or do. He loved Magnus, there was no doubt about that, and he knew that if this was the end, it would break him into pieces. And Jace had already done a pretty damn good job of that when he got himself possessed and taken by Sebastian.

"Magnus..."

"Don't talk. Just listen." The warlock's cat-like eyes bored into his, and then he spoke. "I know how Camille works. You forget just how well I know her." He smiled ruefully, and added, "Or maybe you don't."

"I don't think I'll ever forget," Alec replied, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

Magnus' expression softened. "I know you don't believe me, but you are special, Alec."

"But I'm not." This time the emotion in his voice was pure desperation. "I know, it should be enough for me to just love and loved by you. But I know nothing about you. You can say that the past is the past all you like, but it made you who you are. Not that any of that matters now."

"Why doesn't it?"

"Because I've just completely ruined any future we could have had."

"What, because of what you did with Camille?"

"Yes that! I considered taking away your immortality! I betrayed you!"

"Would you really have gone through with it?"

Alec was shocked. "No! No, I would never– never– Absolutely not."

"Then isn't that all there is to it?"

"You're not...angry? After—"

"I'm angry," Magnus said, smiling dangerously. "I'm most definitely angry. She used you, manipulated you, played on your insecurities. That makes me angry. Am I angry at you? Slightly. But you were honest about it. And even if you weren't...I'd probably have forgiven you eventually."

Alec's lips were parted in shock as he stared at Magnus. "But—"

"Don't look so surprised." Magnus was amused. "I'm not a Shadowhunter. I don't go by all that 'the Law is hard but it is the Law' way of thinking. And I love you."

Alec tried to get out the words to respond, but, for once, he couldn't. Because there was something nagging at the back of his mind. Something he needed to say before this went any further.

"The thing is..." he trailed off, uncertain as to how he should phrase it. "The thing is, it doesn't make any difference."

"Any difference to what?"

"Why I did it. Why I went to Camille in the first place. I can't keep giving you pieces of myself when I don't get anything back. You already hold more over me than I'm comfortable with."

It was Magnus' turn to look shocked. Well, horrified, Alec thought, would probably be a more apt description. "You think I would use things you've told me as— What? As blackmail?"

"No." Alec shook his head. "That's not what I meant. You know what made me who I am. I don't know anything about what made you who you are."

Magnus looked away. "I've never told anybody about my past. Not anything important, at any rate."

"So I gathered. And I will respect that you don't want to share anything, even if I don't understand why. But I can't stay in a relationship like this. It's never going to work."

"Alec." Magnus' voice cracked on his name. "I can try. It's foreign to me, telling people about my past. But I can try, if you- if you want me to."

Magnus looked so open, so vulnerable sitting there, that Alec felt his heart ache in his chest. Maybe he really was special to Magnus, if the warlock was willing to share pieces about himself. Alec had a feeling that he wasn't the first person to ask Magnus about his past and be refused. But it seemed that he was the first to be accepted.

A soft smile broke across Alec's face. "You think I'd be here if I didn't?"

Relief visibly washed over Magnus' entire being as he relaxed his tensed muscles and smiled tentatively back at the Shadowhunter. The said Shadowhunter was wondering whether or not it was an appropriate moment to initiate a kiss. He decided that now was as good a time as any.

He knelt up on his knees, trying to close the fifty centimetre gap between them. Sadly, in his attempt at being smooth, he forgot to focus on his balance, and fell forwards onto Magnus was an unceremonious 'oomph'. Well, at least they were close now.

Magnus let out a low chuckle. "So much for your perfect balance."

Alec ignored the jibe, and instead put both hands on Magnus' shoulders, tipped his head up, and kissed him. From the awkward position, the kiss was slightly sloppy, but it evoked just the same response in Alec as it always did, leaving him hungry for more, addicted to everything Magnus which surrounded him.

Magnus grasped Alec's elbows, and pulled him further up, not breaking the kiss as he did so. Holding himself up on his elbows, Alec kissed Magnus for all he was worth, trying to convey every pent-up feeling he'd hidden inside himself for so long. Magnus kissed him back with just as much passion.

"I'm sorry," Alec mumbled against Magnus' lips.

"So am I," Magnus replied, sliding his hands up under the back of Alec's t-shirt – black, of course.

Alec tugged at the end of Magnus' hair when the warlock bit down on his lower lip, making them both groan simaultaneously. Alec traced his hands over the smooth, unmarked skin of Magnus' stomach and chest, which contrasted so to his, which was covered with the scars of old runes and the fresh black of current ones.

"Shall we not do this on a couch?" Magnus rasped.

"Mm," was all Alec got out in response, as Magnus had attached his lips to Alec's neck, and was pressing a line of sweet kisses down the column of his neck.

Alec eventually summoned the will-power to pull himself away from his boyfriend. His hair, he knew, was in complete disarray, thanks to Magnus — not that Magnus' was any better. Alec untangled his limbs from the warlock, and stood up, holding out a hand to Magnus. They grasped hands, and Magnus covered Alec's lips with his own, giving him a sweet, tender kiss.

"He was married," Magnus murmured when they parted, "and very much in love."

Alec frowned. "Who?"

"Will Herondale. The one Camille was talking about."

Alec expression cleared. "Oh."

"And he was beautiful. I'll admit that. But not as beautiful as you."

Alec flushed, blood rushing to his cheeks.

Magnus laughed. "Especially when you do that."