A/N: I felt like I just had to write this story. I love the twins; I think they have the most interesting dynamic out of all of the characters. This particular chapter is from Kaoru's POV, but I do have a rough draft version of Hikaru's POV, because I think it's imperative to the story to understand both sides. Especially since the twins seem to interpret things so differently. (Kaoru's was just a little bit easier to write so I started out with his side haha) I have to also admit that Kaoru is my favorite character. My little fangirl heart just can't contain his selflessness! So anyways, I don't own the characters of Ouran Highschool Host Club. And if I did it would be a very different type of show… *cackles maniacally*

P.S. Feedback would sure motivate me to get that second chapter up a looot quicker:P

I had always known that Hikaru and I would grow apart. I just hadn't expected it to happen like this.

Things had actually been looking up for a while. I felt conflicted about Hikaru leaving me to pursue Haruhi, even though a dark part of me just knew that Haruhi didn't have those types of feelings for either me or Hikaru. No matter what happened, my older brother was going to get hurt. I had tried my hardest to soften the blow when it came, and it had worked. Or so I thought.

Hikaru took it a lot better than I had expected. I had always thought he liked Haruhi, perhaps even more than I did, but in the end he didn't even seem all to upset over losing her. As the club members slowly started to become more independent, Hikaru and I did too. He even dyed his hair a dark ash color so we could be told apart more easily. I didn't really mind all that much. I had known all along we would have to grow apart, as I said before. The only complaint I had was that he hadn't discussed it with me first. Not that I fully expected him to discuss every single little decision with me before taking action- it was just it seemed that this one had concerned both of us. I had just thought that no matter how far apart we grew, our appearance would always be something we shared.

Beyond the hair dying incident though, nothing had changed at all. I had approached the topic of moving into different rooms on more than one occasion, and had only received a cold stare and then a chuckle. In fact, the more independence I tried to give us, the more Hikaru seemed to cling to me. It was a familiar contradiction. We wanted to be apart, we wanted to cling to each other for dear life. The result was that Hikaru dragged me every where, never letting me out of his sight for a single second, but remained emotionally distant. We didn't talk as much as we used to, we didn't scheme, we didn't even have our usual before-bed chats. We were always together though. I remained a constant presence by his side. I missed the old us. Even if we were twisted and completely dysfunctional before, anything would be better than the crushing silence between us.

It all started on a day just like any other. Hikaru and I sat in the limo on the way home from school. With the seniors gone, the host club had disbanded. We still all saw each other, just not as often as before. After school nowadays, Hikaru and I would get done with our last class, then rush home to sit in silence in our room together reading book or listening to music. That day, Hikaru and I were smushed together in the back of the limo. There was plenty of room on the bench, yet whenever I would inch away, Hikaru would only scoot closer until I was pressed against the door and he was sitting as close as humanly possible to me. He would have been in my lap if he could have. He held my hand softly in his lap and our shoulders were flush against each other. He wasn't only giving me the silent treatment today; he was also avoiding eye contact. Until Hikaru started acting this way, I had always thought I could understand what he was thinking. Now I was never sure. I had never felt so emotionally disconnected from my twin and it was almost enough to bring me to tears. I didn't know how much longer I could stand this anymore. Everything inside me was boiling up until finally I had to look at him. I had to say something.

"Hikaru?" I asked softly. I was greeted by only a soft grunt.

"Hikaru, please look at me? Please?" I pleaded. I could feel a whine creeping into my voice. Hikaru must have heard it too because he finally turned and looked into my eyes. I stared deeply into his golden orbs. It had been a long time since I had done so and I was shocked to find they weren't how I remembered them. They held no spark.

"Hika, what's happening to us?" I whispered because looking into his dead eyes snuffed out any confidence my voice might have held.

My question seemed to surprise him. His grip on my hand tightened and his eyes widened. Then he hung his head.

"I'm so sorry Kaoru. This is entirely my fault."

I just stared at him with a blank face. What in the world was he talking about? I was the one who pushed him away- who made a big deal about independence. How could any of this be his fault? I opened my mouth to argue with him, but faltered when he turned again to look back at my, his eyes ablaze.

"I'm gonna fix this Kaoru, ok? Whatever happens, just know that I will always be there for you when you need me." His eyes bore into mine. I didn't know if I could speak, so I just nodded my head. He sighed and pulled me to him, putting one arm around my back and another behind my head to hold me to his chest. I put my palm against his breast pocket and listened for the beat of his heart.

The drive home ended far too quickly. The limo pulled up in front of our house and Hikaru slid across the bench seat pulling me with him and gently tugging me from the car. He didn't let go of my hand as he dragged me through the front door, up the stairs and into our bedroom. He even held on to me as he locked the door and led me to our king sized bed, gently pushing me down to sit on the soft downy comforter. I sat in silence, waiting for his explanation and feeling very confused.

"Kaoru, how do you know if you love someone?" He asked suddenly while he held both of my hands and avoided my eyes.

The question caught me off guard. I wasn't really sure what he was getting at, so I answered what I thought was probably closest to the truth, "I guess you just know?"

This didn't seem to satisfy him, so I continued with "Maybe you know you're in love when you can't stop thinking about a person. When you'd do anything for them no matter what as long as they're happy, because seeing them happy makes you happy too. Maybe love is just one big self-sacrifice?"

He remained quiet for a moment, then he looked at me with a determination I hadn't seen from him in quite a while. Then he spoke, "Do you trust me Kaoru?"

"What kind of question is that?" I scoffed, "Of course I do, Hika."

A soft smile played across his lips and he lifted his hand to my face. His fingers traced a pattern on my cheek and then tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear. Then he cupped my head at the nape of my neck, the pad of his thumb placing pressure at the intersection of my jaw and my earlobe, and the rest of his fingers pulling the back of my neck, tilting my head upwards so I was looking up at him as he stood over me. He began to bend down towards me, closing the gap between us. Before I even had time to protest, or overanalyze the situation, his lips were on mine, pressing gently. It wasn't necessarily gentle, but it wasn't rough either. Mostly I was just concerned about why my brother had decided to kiss me in the middle of our bedroom on an otherwise completely average day.

Hikaru pulled away, but kept his hand at the back of my neck. I looked directly into his amber eyes with what I'm sure was a confused gaze. His eyes darkened and he then moved very quickly. He took his free hand and placed it at the small of my back. He then pulled me to him with a sharp jerk, causing me to seek stability in the closest object: Hikaru's chest. Both of my hands were placed flat against the lapels of his blazer and I gripped the fabric a little in order to make sure I wouldn't fall. At the same moment, he moved towards me, pressing his lips to mine again. He pulled away and came back several more times.

I was more confused than ever. He had been asking me about love before he started kissing me. Was there someone he had started to gain affection for? That would make sense, wouldn't it? That was probably why he had been acting so weird lately. Someone had caught his attention, and in order to avoid another incident like the one with Haruhi, he was trying to keep it a secret from me. This was probably conflicting with our instinctive need to never abandon each other, explaining why he would be confused and keep me close by. As for the kissing, he had never kissed anyone besides me as far as I knew, and even then we had been children. We had experienced most things together, so it made sense he had wanted to try this out on me before he took the next step with this mystery lover.

Content with this solution, I decided to let Hikaru have this moment and I put up no fight as he began to lay me down on the bed, kissing me more deeply now. His lips left mine for a moment as he put his hands underneath my armpits, gently lifting me and pressing me back onto the pillows so that I lay completely on the bed. Then he crawled on top of me, straddling my waist and kissing me again as he began to remove my blazer and tie.

Once he had removed the first few layers of both of our clothing, he leaned down and kissed me roughly. I was a little surprised by his aggression and I let out a small gasp, clutching his shoulder a little more tightly. Was this part of the plan? I had thought he wanted to practice kissing, but the line seemed so blurred now. I was confused.

Hikaru hooked his thumbs into my waistband and gave a short tug. I began to think this might not be what I thought it was and it started to scare me a little. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I stop him now? What would happen if I did? Would he make fun of me? Would this small strand of brotherly trust we had for each other finally snap? I hadn't expected it to go this far really. Was this some kind of game? If so, I didn't know whether I would be losing or winning if I stopped him. I had a feeling if I stopped him, things would become very awkward, very fast. I couldn't stand to lose Hikaru, it was the last thing I wanted. There had always been a line in a relationship that we had been careful to never cross; sure we had toed it more than a few times, but we had been certain to never cross it lest we confuse ourselves. With Hikaru's mouth on mine and his hands all over my body my mind was clouding. I wasn't sure who was who anymore. It was like our old childhood fear that we would become one person for real.

Suddenly, a very awful thought hits me: what if this isn't an act? What if, after those years spent in the host club, the line became too blurred for Hikaru? What if this is what he wants?

It only takes me a split second to decide that if this is what Hikaru wants, who am I to withhold it from him? I had always thought Hikaru's happiness was most important, so if this is what he wanted from me, I could definitely give him this one little thing. After all, we shared everything. Giving him my body was no big deal. We practically had the same one anyways. Anything I had was his to take.

Hikaru was tugging my pants off of me and taking my boxers with them. Then, with the task only half completed, his mouth was back on mine again, placing hot, urgent kisses. His arms cradled my head, forcing me against him and kissing me with more desperation than I'd ever seen him exhibit before in my life. He flicked his tongue against my lips. I knew that meant something, but everything was happening so fast I couldn't remember what to do. I had never kissed or been kissed like this before.

Then I felt a sharp pinch on the shallow skin at my ribs and heard Hikaru growl against my lips "open your mouth Kaoru." I obediently did as I was told, taking a shallow intake of air I hadn't realized I needed as Hikaru's tongue invaded my mouth, doing all sorts of weird and not-so-unpleasant things. He released a low moan into my mouth and it vibrated everywhere, giving me the oddest sensation. I was flustered and slightly confused, but I wasn't exactly disgusted as I probably should have been. I mean, after all, my brother was kissing me and undressing me and I was just letting it happen. I trusted Hikaru and I knew he would never hurt me, but certainly this was not a normal situation, right? Should I be…enjoying this?

A million and one thoughts were racing through my head and I almost missed Hikaru's low murmur against my lips, "Stop me Kao. Stop me."

"…Hika?" I asked, confused and placing a gentle pressure on his chest to push him away. I was more confused than ever know and I stared up at him, wondering if he was finally going to explain what the hell was going on.

My brother leveled his face with mine and ran his fingers through my hair. His golden eyes burned into mine and he spoke very deliberately, as if he were choosing his words carefully, "Kaoru, I want you to trust me, but I don't want to hurt you. Why do you let me do thee things to you? What is it that you want?"

His words scared me. Had this been a game all along? He hadn't really explained anything at all. Furthermore, I didn't understand his question. I didn't know what I wanted. On one hand, I knew Hikaru and I couldn't possibly be together forever. Even though we were twins, one day we would grow up, get married have families, and be separated. It was the way the world worked. Maybe Hikaru had gone too far this time. This would make it harder to separate, harder to be apart. How could I tell him that, though, when his eyes were looking so desperately into mine? How could I break his heart when he was clinging to me as if I were the very air he required to survive? I knew the correct answer. I knew what I had to tell him.

Finally, I nodded my head and mustered up my best smile. "I want whatever you want Hikaru. You know that." Whatever happened, I would do whatever it took to make my twin happy.

Unfortunately, this didn't seem to be the answer Hikaru had wanted to hear. He released his hold on me and rolled off of me. I propped myself up on my elbows to look at him, forgetting my pants were still half on, half off. I must have looked ridiculous as I gazed at him with one eyebrow raised.

For the love of God, what the hell was happening here? I just wanted answers, but Hikaru seemed so… unstable. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands and rocking back and forth ever so slightly. Now didn't seem to be the proper time for an interrogation. I caught the end of a whisper and listened more carefully to hear what he was mumbling under his breath.

"Damn. Damn I should have known."

"Hikaru?"

My brother turned to face me and grabbed me roughly by the shoulders. I flinched slightly. I had to admit I was starting to lose my patience with his secrecy and his bipolar attitude.

He looked at me with desperation and asked me in a low and intense voice, "Kaoru, is there anything you wouldn't do for me? Anything at all? Think about it very seriously."

Is this some kind of really stupid test? Was this whole thing a joke?

I pulled my pants back up and put my hand on his shoulder in what I hoped was an affectionate gesture.

"I would do anything for you Hikaru, you know that. You're the most important person in my life." I recited cheerfully, hoping to lift his spirits and get that dark gloomy look off his face. I knew Hikaru had needed reassurance sometimes, but this seemed different than before. Something was going on that he wasn't telling me about.

"That's exactly the problem" Hikaru grumbled. He looked so upset and I didn't know what to do or say. Not knowing how to comfort him was the most disconcerting feeling in the world.

"Sorry Hikaru, but I'm a bit lost. What exactly is the problem?"

There was a slight pause and then he looked up at me, golden eyes seething with rage. It was a look I had seen directed at other people many times, but never at me. I felt myself shrink away from him.

"You know what the problem is Kaoru?" He began coldly, "its you. You're what's wrong with me. You're ruining me. I just want you to leave me alone."

"Oh" I managed to squeak out.

Oh. My brain felt like it was on fire. My hand dropped from his shoulder. I felt like lead weights had been tied to my limbs. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing almost immediately. What was he saying? I knew he'd been avoiding me lately, but I thought he had wanted me by him. I had tried to give him emotional distance, but had I unintentionally been suffocating him? I was so stupid. I thought I'd been doing what was best for Hikaru, but really I'd just been ruining us, tearing us apart.

I got up from the bed slowly and carefully, backing away from my brother. I felt a snap inside of me and I knew I had felt my heart break. I gasped as a let out a choked sob. I wanted to die. I was the most despicable human being on the planet. How could I have hurt him so badly? He was the only person I had ever wanted to protect and I had fucked everything up. I had only one purpose in my life. And I had failed at it.

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran from the room, and dove into the first available guest bedroom. I threw myself on the bed and allowed the sobs to flow from me until I was a gasping, hiccupping mess, and eventually, I fell into a horrible, achy sleep.