Chapter Seventeen: Turning tables

December 24th 2007

"We're having a dinner... and Esme is just dying to meet you. I think she just made the whole thing up to meet you."

I look at Charlie across the hall and know it's time. "Okay."

"Wear something casual. I don't think I can control myself if you wear a dress."

I laugh gently. "Okay."

"And please drink. Rose is coming, and I generally drink to keep myself entertained, so be my company."

"Okay."

"Can you say anything else?"

I laugh again, twirling a strand of my hair as Charlie stands up from his chair and comes to my room. "Gotta go."

"Bye."

Charlie looks serene, but I've seen him look calm during shootouts in the news feeds, so I'm not deceived. "I heard you're seeing the Cullen boy."

I nod.

"Why didn't I hear this from you?"

"Bella, you look so bland!" Renee is unhappy with my choice of clothing, my skirt from Larry's, stockings and biker boots with a floral print sweatshirt that covers my nipples so I don't flash everyone in the room. I know what I'm wearing because I wore everything in my closet to look casual. "Wear a dress! You're meeting the boyfriend's mother the first time; you've got to make an impression."

I don't answer her, but Charlie doesn't notice me hating my mother. He doesn't notice anything. "Is he coming to pick you up?"

I nod. Charlie sets his rifle on the table before he sets himself there and I gasp. "Could you not go all alpha male tonight? He's a great guy. I swear."

"You'll let me be the judge of that."

"Your dad is fucking hysterical." Masen whispers into my ears during dinner because that's the only chance we've got at conversation, and while the whole room is in divided chatters, I don't doubt it for a second that someone's eavesdropping. He didn't come alone to pick me up, Rose was with him, and while she was immaculate that first time we met, she was just a bitch this time, her golden dress only making me feel more shallow and less worthy. Something I don't get about her, and I don't know if Masen saw that encounter back at my house or not, but he sure as hell is evading her questioning looks across the table at us right now.

"My dad is a cop and he will kill you the next time you joke about his rifle."

"It wasn't a joke. All I asked him was if he needed my help working with it."

"Hunting you with it, you mean."

Masen laughs and looks into his plate and we drink wine and some eggnog, and I'm feeling no stress whatsoever. So glad and empty and completely devoid of any emotion altogether.

Esme is everything a mother should look like. She's wearing a long midnight blue gown that modestly covers her, and she's got a body I imagine would make her the perfect mother, because she gives out mother-hugs. She hugged me as soon as I walked into the door, and she kissed me straight after. She told me how pretty I looked, even when I didn't, and she invited me into her home just after hugging Masen the same way. She hugs them all, and I feel so complete. I love Masen's family immediately, every flawed part of it, and I speak of Rose when I speak of flaws, because everyone else... I love them all.

Rose came with Emmett, who is the funniest guy I've ever met. Jasper sits with Alice, who is in jeans, thank God, across the table, and while they're quiet, I get the funny feeling that something's not all right over in that corner.

And that leaves me with Masen. "You wore that skirt to punish me."

"I wore it because you said no dress."

He grins. "No dress means anything that can suggest your state of undress, Bella."

It makes me warm, and I'm standing before I know it. I remember that day we fought, and I was so scared Masen would never want me again, now that what needed telling is out in the open. "I need to pee."

"I'll come with you." Esme offers. "You can get lost in an old house like this." And you could, because the corridors feel like they go on forever and the glass walls make it look like I'm literally living in the forest.

"No," Rose interjects. "Let me. I need to redo my lipstick anyway."

"The better to leave lipstick stains with." Emmett winks and the whole table bursts into fits of howls and laughter. That guy. I can't help but leave the table still laughing. And once we're away, the laughter is gone, because something about Rose always makes me unhappy and unsettled. She feels like fire to me, and I can't help but reject that.

"The roses are so lovely. My mother loves roses. She named me after her garden, and our grandmother." Rose looks to me as she applies her makeup, and I stand there transfixed, wondering why I never let Renee teach me how to wear it, wishing I had a sister who could have done that for me. "I was worried this night would be a disaster, given the circumstances."

"I know," I agree. "With everything that's been happening, and this week—"

She pops her tongue against her palette and she looks lovely, ready to go back out. "And thank God Alice talked Dad into cancelling on dinner, because otherwise this would've been the most awkward night of our lives. I have to admit, we stick together, but how can you do a dinner like that in Forks when your father's cheated on your mother with—" I want to ask her for some lipstick, so instead I ask, and interrupt her midsentence with, "Is that why they split up?"

Her eyes meet mine in the mirror and widen, stricken. "You don't know."

I cock my head to the side. "Know what?"

o-o

It's like coming out of a hospital room and being told that the person in it was going to die. That's what it was like, hearing it from Rosalie, and I knew it. I'd known from the start. From the very moment I set sober eyes on Masen I'd known that he wanted less to do with me than he claimed, but he claimed things and I saw the signs but I ignored them anyway. He said he wanted to be a friend, he said he wanted to date, to spend time, but really, he was just telling himself the story he needed to so he could keep things afloat for himself, to look into my eyes and realize everything he had and keep it that way.

Rose doesn't stop me as I storm out of that room but I hear her voice, and she sounds stupidly afraid of what she's said to me, like it should matter. But, I was that stupid, I can't even believe it. I can't even come around to imagining what it must have been like in his head, in all their heads.

When Esme looks at me mid-laugh she knows what I know, so I sob. "You knew. How could you not just tell me?"

"Bella, honey—"

"I just." I waver on my feet, and decide to take the high road. "I'm a little drunk, so I want to go home. I don't want to yell, and I'd like it if Emmett or Alice or Jasper dropped me off." Masen's eyes are blazing green and he looks behind me to find Rose there, but I'm not aware of any of that at present. I just feel the dull thumping need to find another place to be tonight, and every part of everything that felt sacred has suddenly turned quite the contrary. When Alice holds me and walks to the door I know that's Masen's voice.

"Bella, you need to talk to me."

"I will. Just." I turn around, feeling so stupid. "You knew, that day at the cafe. That day you accidentally ran into me with that girl… with Bree."

His eyes don't turn any darker, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"I'm not some random person you met some night to confide in, I'm exactly what you needed for leverage, revenge. You wanted to find me and the universe gave me to you, a willing bomb in the making."

"Bella..."

"That's why me." My eyes burn with unfinished sobs. "That's why you ever came after me."

I don't know if he's said anything else, but Alice pushes me through what feels like the coldest night of my life and we're on our way. We don't talk, but she pats my hair as I cry.

"Did you know?"

Alice seems wary as she rounds the corner and reaches home. "For a little while. Do you remember that day you came home?"

I nod.

"Well, that's when I realized who you were. I mean, I knew Bella Swan was Charlie Swan's daughter, and I knew you, Bella, but not as a Swan. It was confusing for a little while before I realized I'd never made that connection. Not as fast as Edward had."

My breath holds. I don't question who she's talking about, because somewhere, I even knew that Masen wasn't his name. "Did he know from the beginning?"

"No, Bella. He knew you, and he knew some names you gave him, but he didn't make the connection." She sighs. "It's really complicated. Promise me you'll call me tomorrow? I'll tell you everything I know."

I don't promise her anything. I nod to myself at that promise, leave the car and don't bother with explaining myself to Renee or Charlie. I pack a bag, sleep for two hours and leave a note for Charlie and almost tell myself to stay the night. I don't. I have enough for that laptop, and a ticket to D.C and then some. Looking into the living room I spent all this time in, I wonder why I couldn't bring myself to tell Charlie the truth. I feel less angry when I think of it now, without that feeling of dread creeping in, thinking about what happened to the Cullens, feeling miserable about their night.

Dad,

Thank you for having me, but I think I need to figure my life out or I'll be stuck here forever. I know this will take some time, but I will call when I'm ready. Know that I'm safe, and please give me this time to think. I don't want you to worry. Just know that I love you.

Bella

Sorry about the delay, you guys. I was suffering from a massive case of the writers' block and somehow mulled my way through it this week. I got published in a local magazine, I finished my term papers and am back at home to edit some of my previous work. I was wondering, if anybody would like to beta read my other work? Let me know!

And thank you for all your love and support, once again. You've all been so bloody brilliant, it's amazing. Drop a word in, if you've got time. I'm glad you're reading, all of you. xo Dawn