Summary: She watches him from afar, afraid and not afraid. She wants to touch him, but her touch is cold and burning. So she stays away, with each adding second, her heart breaks further. But it is he who will heal her. It is he who will break. [YohXAnna angstfic]

Notes: Revamped. [July 23, 2004]

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. Don't steal.

For Wusai darling [Wusai, the Dark Phantasy], even though she is a yaoi fangirl. I can't write yaoi, and I lurve Yoh/Anna so too bad. XP

Fleeting

The sky is thin, delicate, with clouds sprinkling across the deep blue.

Laying on her back on the grassy fields, in front of a tree, she wants to reach out and touch it, but her hand is cold, frozen. The breeze that moves over her is warm. But she can't move.

If she touches the sky, will it break? Like glass, will the shards shred through her, and will she bleed, the way her heart is slowly bleeding, disappearing through that hole, however small or big it may be?

But that is not her. She is strength personified, but her weakness is Yoh.

She shakes her head, the thoughts in her head fleeting, gone. She stands, her delicate hand resting on the tree. She looks beyond the tree, and her body moves forward. He is there, standing far away—but she can feel his warmth.

[]

He is talking with them, Manta, Ren. No, Manta is talking, his arms flailing wildly, with that absurdly scared expression on his face, as usual. Ren's expression was his usual serious one, his eyes narrowed, evidently irritated by the midget's chatter.

And Yoh. Like a piece of metal is drawn to a magnet, she is drawn to him. But she holds back, not giving in. But his warmth is irresistible. She walks towards them.

[]

It is Amidamaru and Bason that notice her first. She doesn't notice them until she is a bit closer, but she realizes that they haven't completely materialized.

She is facing Yoh and Manta's back, so Ren sees her and nods respectively, but dismissive. She nods in return, and then both of them turn.

He is smiling as he sees her, but it is a nervous smile, to her, it is afraid. It is better that way. She doesn't want to hurt him. She will never ever hurt him—if there is a barrier, they will never be hurt.

Manta too, turns, stopping mid-sentence, and sees her. He too, smiles nervously, fearfully...she can clearly sense the fear radiating from him. The fool. (Like Yoh is a fool.) But she can't hate him. Manta is his friend. Best friend even. Like Ren. So she will never despise. She will never hate.

Amidamaru and Bason both disappear as she approaches, for what reason, she didn't know. (But she could guess.)

Ren too, apparently gets the hint. His dark enigmatic eyes darts from him to her in a quick motion, and taking Manta by the shoulders, he abruptly leads him away. She can hear Manta protesting and Ren's sharp responses.

What is it about her that repels everyone? There is a pang in her bleeding heart—she feels alone.

[]

She is not alone though, for he is still standing there, smiling, looking endearingly confused.

She loves him, but she will never admit it, not to his face. For if she does, she will break and he will break with her.

It is better to be silent. It is better for one to hurt, then for all to hurt. It is better for one to be cold, and the other warm.

Maybe one day, she will forgive herself. For now though…

For now all she needs is the knowledge that he will remain pure. So she will never touch him.

He tries to reach out, to touch her—she knows, but she recoils away. Keep your innocence, she wants to shout at him. Stay the way you are. I can only hurt you.

He turns towards her, nodding in greeting, "Anna." She too nods, but did not say anything. He looks in the direction of where they had left. "I wonder where they went."

Still, she remains silent.

His eyebrows draw every so slightly together. "Anna…are you okay?"

She knows he wants her to speak, so finally she does. "Yes."

Suddenly he looks shy and scared, blushing, and it is her turn to wonder at his behavior.

She sacrifices all to him. Does he know? Her eyes close. No, she sacrifices not to him. She sacrifices for him. He will never know.

"Anna." She is startled by his voice, cutting through her thoughts. But still, she is calm, poised, ready as she meets his eyes. There is strange fire in those black eyes, strange earnestness she has not seen before. "Anna, I..."

A sudden window is open in her mind, and she knows what he is going to say, what he is saying. She wants to shut her ears, close his mouth, to save him. Stop, she cries silently. Stop. You don't know what you're doing...

He doesn't finish; he must be appalled by her expression. "Anna, are you sure you're okay?" She loves him, loves him for the tenderness in the question, loves him for the care in his voice.

"I want to go home," she replies, hand reaching up to touch her face. It's cold. "I'm going home."

"Okay, wait..." he begins, but she is already gone with only the faintest whisper of a wind left behind.

[]

Her feet carry her quickly to the house that she has so blatantly called home. But it is true, this is her home.

Her delicate hands fumble at the doorknob, and she realizes that she is shaking.

A hand on her small shoulder makes her jump with surprise. She turns, breathing heavily, heart beating wildly. He is standing there, his hand still on her shoulder, black eyes looking concerned.

"Anna," he says, almost urgently, "what's wrong?"

She opens her mouth to talk, but her heart is still pounding, and all that comes out are gasps and short breaths.

His other hand goes on her other shoulder, brow furrowing. "You're never at a loss for words. Seriously, Anna," he paused, face flushing a bit, "you can tell me."

No, she screams in her mind. No, I can't. No words come out of her mouth.

She shakes her head, mind whirling with conflicting thoughts. Her resolve hardens, and she knows, wants to save him from herself.

But they are already damned.

The grip on her shoulder tightens a bit, and she knows if she doesn't speak now, he will be lost. "There's nothing wrong with me, you idiot," her voice doesn't waver, becomes hard and hurtful.

Turning she walks into the door of her home, never once looking back at the boy who looks at her fleeting form, black eyes sad, but not hurt.

[]

The door closes after her, and she makes sure that he is not behind her, and she runs to her room, heart breaking with every step.

Finally she can look at him. There is a slight glare on the otherwise clear window, but that doesn't deter her. He is still standing there, staring at the door, while she stares at him, unbidden emotion rising. You'll be okay, she tries to reassure him.

Or is she reassuring herself?

You're always okay. Because it's you, everything will be okay.

As if hearing her, he looks towards her window. Quickly, she falls into the shadows, the darkness, so he doesn't see her. She doesn't dare peek again, until she hears the annoying voice of the midget.

"Yoh, what happened to Anna?"

"I don't think she feels...I don't know," there is dejection in his voice, and she looks closer.

"What do you mean?" Ren's voice is quiet, but she can hear him, see his brow furrow.

There is a pause, and she sees his two companions look at him expectantly. "Nothing," he turns, and she can't see his face anymore.

But it doesn't matter. He is safe from her. She sinks to the floor, eyes closing, and bandana falling slowly to the ground. How long will she have to hurt? And is he hurting?

Until I can forgive myself, I must not risk anything.

[/tsuzuku]