Well here is another chapter, like I said before we are going for a ride now, and this is only the beginning of a downward spiral. It will happen quickly, but a lot will happen over the next few chapters. You have to fall to the bottom before you realize how far down you really are.

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game

30 Seconds to Mars – A Beautiful Lie

Clary cranked up the music in her car and drove as fast as her beat up little car could manage. She was going to goth night, rain be damned. She had nowhere else she really even could have gone anyways. She hadn't even had time to change but it was a good thing she commonly carried make-up and some extra clothes in her car for when she had to work all the different shifts at work. She would figure something out. She would make it work because what else could she do?

The rain was coming down in sheets, lighting scattering across the sky, quickly followed by the loud clap of thunder. It was getting hard to see the road, even with the wipers going on at full speed. All Clary could think about was getting to the club because she knew if she did, everything would be better, everything would be alright.

Clary could see lights blurred by the rain in front of her but by the time she realized what it was, it was too late. The dip in the road was completely flooded by the heavy rains, in the lane next to her there was a car completely stuck in the flood waters. All the other cars were stopping and putting on their hazard lights because to go into the dip would mean the same fate at the car up head, but it was too late for Clary. If she slowed down there would be no way for her to stop in time, she would have gone into the waters anyways. Clary gritted her teeth and cursed the heavens above her, telling whomever it was that may have been listening that they have taken away everything from her already but they were not going to take from her this night. She put the pedal to the floor and felt her heart beat hammer in her chest.

Clary lie beside Sebastian in her bunk bed turned king size mattress. Clary didn't know how long she had been sleeping but something inside her said that it was the middle of the night, likely 2 or 3 in the morning. Sebastian had come to spend his winter break with her, which meant he would be there with her for Christmas. Maybe this would be the first Christmas that she wouldn't completely hate even though she did have to work a shift at the movie theater during the evening. It had been a difficult winter break with Sebastian as the dance fiasco with Ali hadn't been but a few months ago and their relationship had seemed strained ever since.

Sebastian had said he was going to get her engagement ring after that day, but when he got off the plane he claimed to have forgotten it back in California. Who forgets an engagement ring? Clary had hoped this time together would have helped them to fix whatever kind of hole in their relationship the issue with Ali had caused but instead Clary felt like the perfect summer they had had was now nothing more than a distant memory of a time they could never again have.

Clary had woken to the sound of buzzing, loud and in her ear but going off intermittently followed by the quick tick of letters flying off a keyboard. Someone was texting next to her head, and the only one there was Sebastian. Clary didn't dare move or make a sound; she just listened intently as the pattern continued: a quick buzz of an incoming message and then fast fingers typing hurried words. Clary felt that something was just not right and in the pit of her stomach she felt a hallowing reality that she knew meant nothing more than the glass castle that she had so delicately built was beginning to crack and fall.

Clary made a show of waking, giving Sebastian all the heads up he needed that his alone time with whoever he was on the phone with was about to be interrupted. Clary got up and went to the bathroom, using the time to calm herself, she didn't really want to have a panic attack, after all she could be over reacting and there could be a completely rational explanation for it all.

Clary left the bathroom and returned to bed, getting under the covers and trying to at least look like she was just going back to bed, like all that had happened was she needed to pee.

"I love you baby, all my heart." Sebastian said quickly as she turned away and it just made the pit in Clary's stomach grow wider. Maybe it was the way he said it, or the weird way that he said it for no reason, but it was the nail in the coffin that Clary knew something wasn't right and nothing would ever be right again.

Clary knew there was no way she was going to make it, she could just feel all the odds were stacked against her, but she was tired of giving up and rolling over. If you want something you need to fight for it and as much as Clary had been fighting her whole life it had only been a fight to survive; now she was going to fight to live. The pedal wouldn't go down any further and suddenly the water was deeper than the hood of her car, washing over the windshield as if she was driving into a lake. The wipers had no chance and the headlights were completely submerged but the tires could still find solid ground and while the car slowed Clary was surprised to find that it didn't actually stop.

Clary made it to the other side of the dip, the petal still all the way to the floor and her car wouldn't go above 30 mph but she had made it when the other car had stopped. She was on her way to the club and nothing, not even heaven pouring down on her would stop her from getting what she wanted, which right now was just anything other than the shit life she currently had. Somebody would want her, even if it was for the wrong reasons, Clary would take anything she could get.

Driving with the pedal to the floor it took awhile before her car would get above 30 mph but eventually with some terrible grinding, her car seemed to get back to normal. Clary felt like she had dodged some kind of bullet or at least she had survived a kind of baptism and came out a more determined person.

Clary pulled up at the club, truly alone and oddly calm. She rummaged around in the back seat and found a skirt that she put on in place of her grimy work pants. She didn't really have a club shirt and the one she was wearing was pretty well soaking wet so Clary did the next best thing. She took her shirt off and was thankful for the extra padding in her bra that would at least cover her nipples as she was sure they would get cold outside. With a quick smear of makeup to make her own unique mask, Clary exited the car feeling like a completely different person, which was exactly was this night was all about.

Clary had never been to goth night completely alone before and it made everything seem completely and utterly different. She figured she could resume her normal routine, that she wasn't exactly dependent upon having others that pretty much just followed her around anyways. There had been several people she had met while at goth night, enough people that she could talk with and even hang out with in this strange moment of being alone. The familiar words started to trickle through Clary's mind, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone. Clary pushed them down with all her might and headed off into the densely packed club to find a body, anybody, to be near.

First she scanned the crowed for Zach. She still hadn't heard back from him after he had come over to watch the movie. She had tried to text him but he never responded and she had not seen him at goth night since either. She just wanted an explanation as to why he wanted to drop her without so much as a word. She had thought the night had gone well. Maybe it was because she hadn't slept with him. He hadn't appeared to be one of those guys, but Clary was quickly figuring out that really, they all were one of those guys.

Clary texted Jer next, she knew that if she could count on someone it was Jer. Clary knew that Jer was no exception to the rule, he desperately wanted to sleep with her as well, but the difference between Jer and the other guys out there is he was willing to bide his time and stick around. Maybe he thought there was a chance eventually she would wake up and see that she wanted him just as much as he had always wanted her. For now, Clary valued his friendship and had no plans of giving in to him because like everyone else, once he got what he was looking for, he would leave her too.

Clary was surprised when Jer texted back that he was actually busy that night and wouldn't be able to make it out there. He apologized and promised to make it up to Clary, however she wanted, as soon as he could. Clary felt the pang of rejection flow through her, and she wondered if she should just go home to her dad, but she knew she would be as miserable there as if she had just slept in her car.

Clary didn't feel much like dancing, or standing against the wall, or sitting at the bar (for which she was too young to order a drink that she wanted) so she decided to go outside and smoke and figure out a plan of action. It was still pouring down rain and Clary had to carry her own pack of cigarettes which she tried not to get wet considering there was no way she could afford to buy another pack. The overhang above was rather narrow so Clary needed to squeeze herself as closely to the wall as possible to avoid getting soaked. At least the hot summer air held up against the rain so it wasn't too incredibly cold.

"Where's your other half?" Came a familiar voice that made Clary simply want to roll her eyes.

"What does it matter Jonathan?" Clary snipped, not even bothering to look up at him. She was having a shit night and knowing him he would only make it worse.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Came his voice along with his long slender fingers sliding under her chin, trying to push her chin up to face him. She had always hated when people had tried to do that, it was her body wasn't it?

Clary moved her own head up to face him, she didn't need his coaxing. "Nothing." She said firmly.

Clary watched as Jonathan frowned, clearly not believing her and that made her frown as well. She had thought her voice was steady enough to believe.

"Soooo…" He let his voice trail off into nothing, like he was awkward and didn't know what to say. Clary considered just snapping at him and hoping that he would go away, but that would leave her all alone again, and considering no one else seemed to want to keep her company, her heart didn't feel like chasing away the only person that was left.

Clary looked up to him, her eyes playful. Jonathan only stuck around for the sex, and that was all Clary was supposed to be using him for as well. A one-night stand; what a joke that ended up being. "Want to go dance?" She raised one eyebrow at him as she threw the cigarette butt to the ground, hearing it hiss as it touched the ground.

Clary and Jonathan played a dangerous game only two lovers could play. They communicated through their bodies, using the beat of the music to catapult each touch and caress into something as poisonous as the most venomous snake. There was no love between them, any feelings or emotions that made any of their intentions acceptable. They each were using the other for guilty sins of pleasure that would never be apologized for. It didn't take long before dancing was not enough and they were desperately grabbing at each other as their lips and tongues tangled in a dance of their own as they stumbled and made their way toward the door.

Clary was the first to disconnect, sliding her hand down his arm and twisting her fingers in his as she pulled him along behind her into the pouring rain. Her skin seemed to be on fire and the rain hitting her skin barely cooled the flames which were roaring inside her. In this moment she forgot about whom she was, who she was becoming, and all the things that had ever knocked her down. The flames of sin washed over her as another baptism, this one coaxing her back into darkness.

Clary ducked down an alley beside the club, a u-shaped concave where a few cars could park, if their owner had gotten to the club early enough. There was no roof overhead and the rain continued to pour down, sticking to her eyelashes, making it hard to see. Clary didn't need to see, she only wanted to feel. She pulled Jonathan to her aggressively, their bodies colliding and sliding against each other, the rain helping to make clothes stick and skin glisten.

Clary peeked her eyes open and saw a flash of red between giant drops of water. It was a red car, one that was small and sleek. It was the kind of car Clary could see herself driving one day, one that begged for everyone to stop and stare but never to touch. Clary backed toward the car slowly, keeping Jonathan in pace with her, careful never to break from their heated kiss except for the momentary gasp of air before diving back in. Clary extended her hand and felt the cool slick surface of the car she knew was off limits. It was wrong of her to touch it, wrong of her to want it; just like Jonathan. But Clary didn't fucking care, not here and certainly not now.

Clary broke the kiss and Jonathan stood before her with rain dripping from his white blonde hair. His shirt was plastered to his chest, sticking in every contour and dip as if it was no more than a layer of paint. Clary traced her fingers along his chest, slowing down the moment if for nothing else but to savor the feeling of someone that wasn't pushing her away.

Clary pushed up onto the hood of the car, dragging her ass back so she was seated firmly on the car. She pulled Jonathan by the loops in his pants until he was standing between her spread legs. Clary put her feet up on the red brick wall behind Jonathan. She caged him there between her thighs and he didn't even hesitate to know for what she was inviting him for. Jonathan gave her a wicked grin and popped the button on his pants and hurriedly pulled out his erection and then slipped Clary's underwear to the side before plunging in.

It was exciting because they were outside in public where literally anyone could walk by and look in their direction. In fact there were several people who did walk by, all of them with their heads down and in a hurry to get out of the rain; no one bothered to look down the alley and see the lewd act going on right beside them. It was exciting for Clary to think about the owner of the car suddenly deciding he had enough of the club and coming to collect his car only to find a pair of strangers fucking on top of it. It was the best sex Clary had ever had even though it was short and as always she was unable to find release it was still an itch she had never known she had and now that it had been scratched, all she wanted was more.