Final Scene: Oh, Christmas Tree

(Al is seen driving his Dodge down the road and stopping once he reaches some trees)

Al: Let's see my family mock Al Bundy once he shows how much of a man he is.

(Al pulls out a chainsaw and begins to cut down a tree. Suddenly, the tree falls on top of him but Al steps out donned in lumberjack clothing and safety googles, revealing the "Al" the tree landed on was a dummy.)

Al: Boy, I knew that dummy would come in handy someday. I was planning on saving that for when I wanted to fake my death by falling off a cliff to get away from the red-headed wench and live out my life as a bachelor with buxom babes in the Bahamas.

(Al straps the tree on to the car but given how heavy it is, he has to push the Dodge all the way home but fails to notice the sign outside of the woods that reads "Illinois State Park". Meanwhile, let's catch up at the Bundy house an hour later).

Bud (Talking to Peggy): Well mom, it looks like one of us is going to make some money given it's been 2 hours since dad left for the mall and he still hasn't returned.

Peggy: If only your father took as long in the bedroom as he does to come back home, I'd never wanna leave from upstairs.

Bud: Mom, let me offer you a rebuttal to your point. (Bud grabs a trash can and begins to vomit in it)

Kelly: I hope daddy comes back soon. I can't wait to try on that sexy dress of mine.

Bud: How long will you keep that dress on is the question.

Kelly: Bite me, Lord of the Virgins.

(Al comes back with the gifts)

Al: Bud, Kelly, how about come outside and help me with the Christmas tree. Peggy, I don't expect you to do anything because I'm not Oprah or a bon-bon.

Peggy: Well Al, I already have to do everything in the bedroom.

(Al, Bud and Kelly set up the Christmas tree and Al gives everyone their gifts)

Bud: Wow! The helpless virgin sex doll! Thanks dad. (Bud hugs his dad and talks to the sex doll, noticing Isis propped up at the staircase) It's not what you think Isis! She forced herself on me, but how about a threesome while you two lovely ladies are here. There's enough Bud to go around.

Kelly: Daddy, what's with the feathers on this dress? Did you steal it from Bjork's wardrobe or something?

Al: No pumpkin, I went across the road, plucked feathers off Marcy and glued it to the dress.

Kelly (smiling): Oh, well I'll tell Mrs. D'Arcy thanks for the feathers.

(A chirping sound is heard from the tree. Kelly looks at the tree and notices a snow-like substance on the tree)

Kelly: Hey dad, look there's snow on the tree. I'm still a bit hungry as well, Mom fixed us Tangwiches again.

(Kelly goes to eat the substance but Bud smacks her hand away)

Bud: Kelly, for once in your life, you don't want to put that in your mouth. That's not snow, it's bird poo. (A tag falls off of the tree and Bud reads it) Illinois State Park. Dad, you stole this tree from the state park?

Al: What's it matter anyways? Do you think they are really going to notice one tree has gone missing?

(A knock is heard at the door, Al opens it to find Officer Brady there. Brady also looks like Barry Williams of Brady Bunch fame).

Al: I know you, aren't you-

Officer Brady: No, I'm not him and I never was him.

(The family then begins to sing the theme song from the Brady Bunch theme)

Officer Brady: Knock it off! Alright, fine, I am Barry Williams but I'm not here for that. I'm going around the neighborhood looking for the guy who cut down a tree from the state park. If I find the person, they'll get a $25,000 fine and a night in jail. Big Bubba's been looking for a mistletoe partner.

(A chirping sound is heard. The family tries desperately to cover it up)

Officer Brady: What was that chirping noise? That wouldn't happened to be the endangered golden-crest wren would it?

Al: No, that's Marcy D'Arcy, my neighbor. Every night she goes to sit on the bird bath and chirps until Snow White and the other animal friends come to visit.

(The bird then flies onto Brady's hand and he looks at it. Brady glares up at Al as he realizes it's the wren)

Al: Go on, Marcy, go back home with your family for the winter. (Al laughs nervously as Officer Brady takes him off to jail).

(Al sits in his jail cell along with a few other inmates)

Al (happily): This has to be the best Christmas present I could have ever gotten. A whole night away from the kids and best of all, no pleas from the red-headed, bon bon filled headache I call a wife wanting me to have sex... Well at least until I have to clean up the entire city of Chicago with them for community service to pay off that stupid fine. I don't think there's anything that could ruin my Christmas.

(One of the inmates pokes Al in the shoulder to get his attention)

Big Bubba: I think you owe me a kiss sugar muffin.

(Al looks up to see there's a mistletoe hanging on the bar above his head. He gives a disgusted look to the camera)

END EPISODE