Normality(and other impossible things)

A Kagerou Project fanfiction

"Haruka."

He knows that voice, that tone better than he knows his name now. He can recognize it anywhere.

It wasn't that voice calling him.

An onigiri tossed carelessly into his lap and Haruka looks up to see Takane, standing over him.

"Oi, Haruka! Where have you been?!"

"Eh? Right...here?"

"If you're going to answer, don't make it another question! You wouldn't answer us when we were practically yelling your name!" Takane says with a huff, "And you didn't even eat anything yet!"

"I...really? But I don't even feel that hungry..." Haruka said, taking the onigiri in his hands.

"Are you alright, Haruka-senpai? Do you feel ill?" Ayano piped up.

"No, I'm fine, Ayano-chan." Haruka says and he smiles at her, "I just feel a bit tired, that's all."

"That really doesn't make us feel better. Don't push yourself, you idiot." Takane's tone is less harsh and she looks worried now. Haruka shakes his head, "Yeah. I'll just go to the infirmary and sleep it off. Takane, can you tell Sensei?"

"Yeah. Just go already." Takane yanked him up and started pushing him before he stumbled out of it and nodded his head to Ayano. When he looks in front of him, Shintaro is standing there.

He'd been watching the exchange with his usual bored face and he was watching Haruka now as he approached. He was in the path between him and the door and he steps aside as the other boy passes him.

And Haruka hears a soft whisper.

"You look like crap. You should get some rest, Haruka-senpai."

Haruka stops dead when he hears the last few words.

When he hears his name.

He turns and looks back towards Shintaro, but he wasn't looking at him. He turned and started walking back towards the girls with slow, relaxed steps.

And Haruka turns back and near dashes through the door, hand covering his mouth.

"Ah! Is Haruka-senpai alright?!"

"He told me he was a little sick." Shintaro says.

"I see."

"...Huh? Hey, Shintaro. You look kinda weird." Takane squints at him, "Did you get something too?"

"No, I didn't." He says, much more forcefully than he had intended, "I'm fine."

I'm fine. He tells himself, though it does nothing to ease his heart, I'm fine.

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He'd never heard that voice like this. Shintaro's voice like this.

Never heard it so broken, so high, so breathless. Never heard him beg or plead for things he didn't, couldn't understand.

The bed creaks and Haruka's unaware of the tiny, minuscule gulp of air passing through his throat as his mouth shuts closed. The doorknob moves soundlessly under the slight pressure of his fingers, allowing the crack of light to widen slightly, enough for Haruka to see.

And Haruka saw. He saw Shintaro sprawled on the bed, arm over his eyes. His mouth works, opening and closing, uttering those same soft pleas. His sweater hanging over the edge of the bed and the white of his shirt draped haphazardly over his shoulders. He sees teeth sink into the boy's bruised lip as his other hand started to move. His hips twitched in unison with the movement, his toes curling into the mattress. He sees Shintaro throw his head back, a frustrated whine escaping him. The hand over his face starts to trail down his body, fingertips just barely touching skin. Another pained moan escaping him as the fingers of his hand are pushed inside, as his other hand strokes his cock, eyes closing and god, his face-

When he sees Shintaro's face, his mouth goes dry.

Haruka isn't aware that he's leaned back too far until he loses his footing.

Though the room was far from silent, the thump was deafening. And as Shintaro's eyes snap open and fall on Haruka, Haruka feels his cheeks warm and his heart stop, his breath turning into lead weight in his chest.

Before he could say anything else, Haruka turned and left.

He doesn't hear what Shintaro is saying.

He thinks it's him calling his name again.

But he can't bear to look back now, can't bear to close his eyes because he can still hear him, see him...!

And Haruka finally wakes up, skin drenched in cold sweat.

From far away, he can hear the sound of his breathing as he stares at the ceiling painted with the dying orange of the sunset.

He groans as he moves his legs.

And for once, Shintaro's name is on his lips.

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When he leaves the nurse's office, he near gets a heart attack.

"Senpai."

"Waughh! Ah, Sh-Shintaro. What are you doing here?"

"I was free. And they made me check up on you." He says with an easy shrug, "I was wondering if I needed to wake you up though; it's getting pretty late."

"No!" Haruka shouts before he could stop himself, stop and think. And he actually sees Shintaro flinch a little, see something else cleave through that unreadable mask of his. When he blinks, the moment is gone and Shintaro is simply staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

But that moment was enough. For Haruka, who would hardly be labeled as 'observant', a credible observer, for Haruka who had been painfully aware of Shintaro's presence ever since this morning.

It was enough for him to see that brief flash of hurt on his face.

And he feels his heart twinge again.

"I-I mean...no, it's fine! I'm a deep sleeper, that's what Takane's told me and I don't think I would have woken up either way."

"...Whatever. Are you coming or not? Takane-senpai's been antsy ever since you were gone. It's starting to get annoying."

"...Shintaro."

The boy stops dead. Like he's a puppet and Haruka's yanking on his strings. His breathing is slowly falling out of pace and he stares back at him, "What is it?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what exactly?"

"I...I don't know."

"What kind of answer was that?" Shintaro says and his tone is the same deadpan one he normally uses, "If you're going to be sorry, find something to be sorry for. If you don't; don't apologize."

"But I-"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Senpai. I was the one who made you see that." Shintaro sighs, "It's grossed you out, I know. Ayano will visit you alone tomorrow, so you don't have to be so weird around me."

"But I'm not!"

"You made Ayano of all people stop and ask about you. She's just as dense as you are. It's bad enough when it's just you, you know. I don't want to lose-" He cuts himself off and shakes his head, "Look, it saves you the grief of trying to act normal around a gross homo like me. It's better for everyone, isn't it? Besides, I needed to do this eventually."

"What do you mean?"

Shintaro turns around and he's gritted his teeth, his frustration clear as day on his face.

"Do I seriously need to spell it out for you?! I like you! I've liked you ever since the first day I saw you! It's pretty fucking obvious what that entails, doesn't it? It...gods. This is stupid. This is so, so, so stupid. I was set on never telling you until you pass out in a couple of years and I can breathe again. And then you...you go and..." He groans and covers his face, "Just...I'm going now alright? Leave me alone."

"Why wouldn't you tell me?" Is all that Haruka asks.

"...Why do you think?"

It's more of a statement than a question and Shintaro's smiling at him now.

Haruka had never seen him smile before, but he knows this wasn't what it looked like. A real smile wouldn't make his chest ache like this.

"Goodbye, Haruka-senpai."

Shintaro doesn't even have time to turn away. Doesn't even have time to blink when Haruka grabs his hand and pulls him close.

And Haruka feels the startled warm breath on his lips before he leans in and kisses him.

He's warm.

His skin is warm under his fingertips.

And his dark eyes suddenly seem a lot brighter, even as he stares at Haruka in shock.

It's beautiful.

"Don't leave before I can say anything."

Those lips are soft under his thumb and he can feel Shintaro's sharp intake of breath, feel his chest swell.

"Don't leave me, Shintaro."

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