A/N: Here's a little crackfic I made as an assignment for a person in tumblr running a PMMM-themed blog as an effort to try and run for mod there. I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you guys enjoy it!
"I want to erase all the unholy love from this Earth with my own hands!"
The wish was a simple one considering how many different kinds of wishes the white magical space ferret had heard being blurted out in the long lifespan his species were given. A simple, yet rather odd one. Kyubey stared at the green haired young lady in front of him, his red eyes emotionless like that of a stuffed animal's, as always. His smile didn't even falter at the request he received, but he did tilt his head slightly as a sign of confusion.
"Is that really a wish you'd be willing to give your soul for?" he confirmed, receiving a nod in response. Hitomi stared at the white bunny-like creature that sat before her with the calmest expression she had ever witnessed, determination filling up her faint green eyes.
"Yes", she stated firmly. "I want to make certain that love remains between men and women only."
"Then allow me to grant your wish for you", Kyubey said solemnly and extended his ears towards Hitomi's chest to finish the contract. Hitomi let out a scared whimper, placing her hands in front of her chest in fear of being groped by the furry creature. The said creature let out a sigh in what sounded a little like irritation despite Kyubey not being able to experience emotions.
"Fear not, Shizuki Hitomi. I'm merely going to make you into a magical girl as you wished. I am not going to do anything improper."
Hitomi hesitated for a second before nodding uncertainly, allowing the ears to touch her chest and form her soul gem.
A little further away a tiny little coffee shop, Homura Akemi was enjoying a nice cup of hot chocolate with her classmate Madoka Kaname. The two were sitting side by side on a comfortably soft couch in the corner of the coffee shop, warmly cuddled up next to each other. Homura smiled wickedly as she wrapped her arm around Madoka's slender waist, pulling the blushing young maiden closer to her. Letting out a small, nervous gasp, the pink haired girl tensed up and stared at her mug of hot chocolate.
"Are you nervous, Ms. Transfer Student?" Homura asked with her usual, elegantly dark voice. It caused a couple shivers to run down Madoka's spine.
"Ah... a little. B-but it's only because I'm being so close to someone so great and beautiful like you, Akemi-san", she murmured, clearly embarrassed. Homura let out an amused chuckle and inched her face closer to Madoka's, her fingers gracing over Madoka's jaw, luring her to look into her eyes.
"Ah, Kaname Madoka, my sweet and innocent little blossom", she hummed, her gaze freezing Madoka in place and making her blush grow stronger. "Such wonderful things you say. I must reward you for being such a good girl..."
"THAT IS FILTHY!"
Just as Homura was about to place her lips on Madoka's, however, she could feel a strong jolt of electricity burst in between them. Both of the girls jolted immediately further away from each other, gasping in fear. Homura's eyes flared with anger as she recognized the voice behind her as Hitomi Shizuki, glaring at the green haired girl standing there in a green magical girl outfit that matched her always so lady-like demeanor.
"This is none of your business, Shizuki Hitomi", she nearly growled in fury. "I see you've become a magical girl. That does not frighten me."
"I am the magical girl of Pure Love!" Hitomi exclaimed. "And I will NOT tolerate such... such disgusting display of the purest of emotions in this city! GIRLS CANNOT LOVE GIRLS!"
"What are you on about?!" Homura snapped. "Ignorant homophobic fool! Do you know what this world was created upon?! I'll have you know that I did NOT create this world to be stopped by the likes of you!"
Once more, Homura turned around to face Madoka, attempting to kiss her. And once again the kiss failed as a lightning pushed them apart from each other. Letting out a frustrated scream of annoyance, Homura stood up and, with a flash of purple, switched into her new magical girl form. Her familiars all around the cafeteria turned to stare at Hitomi with menacing eyes.
"You are messing with the God of this universe, Shizuki Hitomi. A god who has become such because of her love for Kaname Madoka. Do you even know the series you're in?! The whole franchise revolves around homosexual love between magical girls!"
"No! It's not right!" Hitomi screamed. "It's just friendship! Shut up y-you... you filthy homo!"
"Just friendship, hm?"
With another flash of purple, Kyouko and Sayaka were teleported into the room. The two girls, who had been kissing each other feverishly, now pulled away from each other looked around in utter confusion and embarrassment.
"What the heck?!" questioned Kyouko.
"Whaaaaat?!" screamed Sayaka.
Homura turned towards Hitomi, grinning victoriously.
"Call that friendship?" she asked, but Hitomi was already screaming furiously and shooting bolts of lighting at Kyouko and Sayaka. The two girls yelped in surprise and attempted to run away, ending up running around the coffee shop in circles.
"What on Earth is going on?!" Kyouko shrieked.
"It was the kiss of life, wasn't it?!" Hitomi yelled. "Tell me you were just rescuing Sayaka from drowning!"
"I wasn't drow-!"
"YOU WERE DROWNING!"
More lightnings were shot all around the room. Homura's face darkened and her aura started flowing in a threatening way, causing all of the familiars to flee the coffee shop in horror. In the ceiling above Homura, a portal started forming. A deep purple portal.
"If that is not enough for you, Shizuki Hitomi", she announced in a low voice, almost a whisper. "I will summon the fandom."
"ARE YOU NUTS?!" Kyouko shouted from across the room. "We'd all drown in it! It's a suicide!"
Hitomi laughed.
"Bring it on, Akemi Homura! I am certain that the shippers believe in the sanctity of love as much as I do! I'm sure they-"
The portal widened and fics and fanart started pouring into the small space of the coffee shop. The stream was endless and consisted of thousands of pics of Madohomu, Kyousaya and many other different ships.
"NO! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Hitomi shrieked but was soon silenced by a pile of doujinshis burying her under. Homura grinned victoriously, but the grin soon faded as a fic landed on top of her head. A fic that was not Madohomu, but instead Mamimado. She screamed in both horror and fury, ripping the fic in half but soon noticed that the shipping was everywhere. Or rather the shippings. Ships where someone else was shipped with Madoka.
"NO!" she yelled in desperation and shot a horrified glance at Madoka, who grabbed a fanart picture of her and Sayaka kissing. The look on her eyes was curious and... oddly yellow.
"MADOKA, NO!" Homura cried out. "You only belong with me!"
"...there's potential in this ship", Madoka was however mumbling. Homura tried to desperately swim towards her pink haired companion in the ocean of fan-made content, but was soon buried under it just like Hitomi. Madoka soon followed, looking utterly confused and astonished by the amount of porn surrounding her, along with Sayaka and Kyouko, whose last upset scream before drowning was: "I DO NOT HAVE A DIRTY MIND! WHAT THE HELL?! I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC FOR FUCK'S SA-"
Outside the coffee shop, Nagisa was happily strolling on the street accompanied by Mami. Nagisa was skipping along and soon noticed a picture on the ground that had leaked from within the coffee shop. She picked it up and stared at it intently and curiously for a long moment before Mami walked up to her.
"What is that, Nagisa?" Mami asked sweetly. Nagisa looked up at Mami with confusion and showed her the picture.
"...Mami-san, what are we doing in that picture?" she asked, completely oblivious to the dirty content of the drawing. Not even bothering to reply, Mami smiled sweetly despite her yellow eyes flaring with anger. With a simple movement she grabbed the picture away from Nagisa and throw it into the air, pulling a musket out of her cleavage and shooting tens of holes through the picture before it managed to land on the ground, completely destroyed.
"It's nothing of importance", Mami replied kindly to Nagisa, patting her head and then holding her hand. "Let's go have some tea and cheesecake at home, shall we?"
And they did.