Talathiel

We sat on my balcony overlooking Skyhold and the valley below in the cool, breezy evening air; it was the beginning of a beautiful night. The sun had begun to lazily slink below the horizon, painting the walls with warm shades of orange; the familiar sounds of the night began, the chirp of crickets, the soft wing beats of owls ready to start the hunt, and the comforting silence of the world just winding down for the night. The breeze playfully ruffled my hair and was cool on my skin, but never cold or unpleasant. The wooden floor beneath me was worn smooth from the years and I wondered what sorts of people were here before me; a general strategizing their next attack, a ruler looking out across their holdings, a couple just enjoying the evening, who was to say. This is where I felt most at ease, just being able to sit and clear my mind and remember the world outside of the Inquisition.

The stars had started to come out; they twinkled delicately over the snow covered peaks of the Frostbacks. In the valley the fires in the refugee camp glittered, mimicking the stars. No, they were not mimicking the stars, they were something so much greater. These lights shone as a testament to the people who refused to give up, the people who lost everything and still continued on. They were lights full of hope and life and their beauty and energy eclipsed the very stars they mirrored.

I could feel him pull me closer to him, wrapping his cloak around me a little tighter to keep the cold at bay even though he knew I was not cold. He did this for himself; it was what he knew, to protect people, and it was the only way he knew to show affection. I did not mind it and honestly I found it endearing. He wanted to protect me, not because he thought I could not protect myself, because he knew I was more than capable of protecting myself, but because that was all he knew, but he was learning. I leaned up against him a bit more, by the Creators he was warm.

He had his eyes closed and a faint smile played on his lips, he seemed much happier nowadays, though things were far from perfect. He still woke up in the night shouting and covered in a cold sweat. Some days he could not hide the pain and his hands would shake badly, but he did his best to appear strong in front of everyone. He kept his hands behind his back and slept in a crumbling watch tower away from everyone else so no one would hear him shouting from the nightmares. He often hummed to himself when things got bad, songs I did not know, songs I figured he learned from the Chantry, and it seemed to help him relax and find some inner peace.

I nuzzled my head up against his jaw line, my hair stick and catching on his stubble. I had never seen him clean shaven, just with varying degrees stubble, not that I was complaining. Cullen was different, not just him himself, but everything about the relationship. With my clan there had been three before I had considered choosing. There was a hunter I had known since childhood, he was bright and playful and so full of enthusiasm, we grew up as playmates and friends. There was a warrior a few years older, he was solemn and gentle protector, we often worked together as the clan was moving. And there was the Keeper's first who came to us when I was twelve, who was always eager to learn or share knowledge, I was assigned to help him adjust to life with our clan and we spent much time together over the years. Any of the three would have made a good mate, and I did love each of them for different reasons. After returning from the conclave I would have chosen one of them to be my mate, it was expected that at my age I would chose someone and bond to them, have a few children and ensure the strength of the clan. It was something I never questioned: you found someone you could love, gave it some time to see if things worked out, had the ceremony, then had children; that was just how life was.

But this was different. There was no pressure to find someone. There was no pressure to fall in love with that person. There were no expectations of what should happen. There was just the other person, exploring them, getting to know them, and just making things up as you go. He was different too. Where there should have been smooth skin there was hair, where there should have been tattoos there were scars, where there should have been finesse there was strength, and where there should have been points there were curves.

The air grew colder as the sun crept below the horizon and he pulled me into his lap to better shield me from the cold. He wrapped his cloak around me defensively, hugging me tightly to his chest as if he was scared I would disappear at any moment. I sat leaning against him, just enjoying spending time together, no longer creeping about and keeping things hushed because what would everyone say if they knew the commander and the Inquisitor were seeing each other? Things did not say quite for long, people noticed that when I vanished that he did too, that sometimes the door to his office was locked in the middle of the day, and if one of us was caught ducking out of an alcove the other was right behind.

I reached up and kissed his jaw and his stubble tickled my lips, and he leaned down to kiss the top of my head. I wondered what would happen after everything was over, where I would go, where he would go. We both agreed that after the Inquisition we wanted to be together, but where would that be?

Cullen seemed to sense my distress "Something on your mind, my dear?"

"Nothing more than usual" I smiled so he would not worry, he had enough on his mind already.

"You are a terrible liar, your ears kind of droop down when you're lying or when something bothers you"

"They do not!"

"Yes they do" he said with a grin "and they twitch up when you're startled or when something catches your attention."

"You seem to pay a lot of attention to my ears."

"Well, it's more like to you in general."

I smiled and I could feel Cullen's face heating up. He still blushed at everything and it was very endearing to see it creep up his face and he would quickly look down and try to hide it. For a grown man he could sure turn into an awkward teen at the first sign of affection, but he was getting used to it all. In the beginning just grabbing his hand in front of other people was enough to make him blush and stammer, now he was the one reaching out to wrap his arm around my waist as we walked through Skyhold.

It was comforting just sitting here like this and it was easy to pretend that everything was alright. That there was not some ancient magister trying to ascend to godhood and destroy us all.

The sun had completely set by now and the only lights were the faint glow of lanterns and candles down in the keep below. It was time for everything to wind down for the night because it was always an early morning for the Inquisition.

"Will you stay the night this time?" I asked.

Cullen let out a deep sigh. It was difficult to get him to stay, or even to get him to let me stay the night with him in his tower. He was always worried about disturbing me with his nightmares, but truthfully it did not bother me and I would much rather be there for him when he woke up to comfort him.

"You always do this." I somewhat whined.

"I know. I just don't want to keep waking you up, I don't want to trouble you too." His voice always got softer when he talked about the nightmares, as if he thought that speaking about them too loudly would bring them upon him.

I started to get up and felt the cold air hit me as I stepped out from the protection of his cloak and turned around to face the still seated Cullen. "You're staying tonight." I declared.

"Is that an order?"

"Yes."

The edges of his mouth curled up into a slight smile. Cullen pushed himself up onto his feet and followed me into the room, closing the door behind us to keep the cold out. It was nice having someone else here; the room was just too large for one person.

I crossed the room to the closet on the other side to get my sleeping clothes and change out of the under armor I typically wore around Skyhold. In one of the drawers I kept a simple shirt and loosely fitted pants for sleeping along with all of the ridiculously ornate Orlesian loungewear I had been given to sleep in. There were shirts, pants, and gowns of fine silk for sleeping in, all painstakingly embroidered and probably nicer than the common person's best clothing. I could hear Cullen rustling about in the main room and I poked my head out to see what he was up to. He was carefully placing his cloak on the back of my chair next to where he left his armor earlier when went out to the balcony. I smirked as I watched him arrange the cloak to make sure the feathers on it were not crinkled up.

"I guess you didn't bring anything to sleep in, shame" I called out, joking.

He shrugged, "I just sleep in pants anyways" he responded as he worked on removing his shirt, the joke apparently sailing over his head.

"Help me dress!" I called out.

"Another order?"

"Yes"

I could hear his footfalls as he crossed the room; it was a strong stride, long and heavy steps, a certain trained cadence to the way he moved with never a step out of place. He reached the closet and I could see the blush creeping up his face again. To save him from me seeing him blushing I turned my back to him and reached my arms above my head so he could help me my shirt. He carefully grabbed onto the bottom of my shirt and gently tugged it up over my head, nearly getting me stuck in it in the process before finally removing it all the way.

"Did you always have that?" he asked, sounding rather confused.

"Have what?"

"That tattoo on your back. Was that there when we…?"

"Yes" I laughed, "It's been there for many years at this point."

"I'm not sure how I missed that earlier."

"In all fairness I'm pretty sure you were looking elsewhere"

"Point taken" he agreed awkwardly. He helped me finish undressing and help me redress in my sleeping clothes.

"The tattoo on your back, is it like your vallaslin?" he asked as we made our way over to the bed.

"Yes" I was happy that he remembered what my tattoos were called, that he actually was interested in learning about Dalish lore and culture. "It was done for the same reason as the others: to honor the Creator I chose, Mythal."

"Do all of the Dalish get tattoos elsewhere?"

"Not all, but many do"

"It's beautiful, may I see it again?" he asked.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and lifted up my shirt so he could see my back. I felt a calloused fingertip start to trace the bottom of my tattoo, roots that twisted across my hips. I felt him trace his fingers up my spine, up the trunk of the tree on my back. Fingertips gilded along my shoulders, along the branches.

"Was it done the same way as your face?"

"Mmhm" I nodded, enjoying the feeling of him running his hands up and down my back.

"Didn't that hurt though?"

"It wasn't unbearable."

"And you just sit there quietly?"

"Well it's better than squirming and having it messed up."

He continued tracing my tattoo for a while, making sure to follow along every line and explore every inch of it. I love the way his hands, warm and rough, felt on my skin. I loved that he found my tattoos beautiful when most humans so far found them odd or off putting. I loved that he recognized that we were very different but made each difference a point of discussion and learning instead of judgment and conflict.

I leaned forwards so I was lying down instead and he continued to still trace my tattoo, as if trying to memorize it. He slowing moved to rubbing my back, kneading his palms into my back and shoulders, massaging away weeks' worth of stiffness and tension from everything. My eyes automatically began to close as I relaxed, this was nice. During my time with the Inquisition I noticed something about the people, or actually a lack of something: physical contact. Humans were such funny beings, amongst the Dalish physical contact was commonplace; touching someone's shoulder or arm as you talked, hugging and kisses on the cheek or forehead between clansmates, leaning on each other around the fire, but not here with the humans. The humans seemed to keep a distance between themselves, tugging away if their arms brushed and quick handshakes for greetings; with their lack of contact I was surprised their whole race had not died out yet.

It had taken Cullen some getting used to, but he no longer recoiled his hand away when ours brushed at the war table, and he definitely no longer had issues being close in private. I rolled over onto my back, my shirt was still tugged partially up, exposing my stomach which Cullen reached down to affectionately kiss, his stubble scratching my skin. He laid down, resting his head on my stomach and I could feel the warmth radiating off of him. I ran my fingers through his hair, thick and wavy, brushed back out of his face, and smiled to myself as I saw that his eyes were closed and a smile played on his lips.

"Why don't you actually try lying the right way in bed instead of hanging off the side?" I playfully chided.

He shifted off of me and pushed himself up onto his hands and knees before lying back down on top of me instead.

"Now you want to be on top? You know you're kind of heavy, right?" I grunted.

He quickly rolled off of me to lay by my side instead, blushing and awkwardly apologizing.

Since we had first slept together Cullen really had not tried to again, which truthfully had surprised me. He had obviously enjoyed it and right afterwards he could barely keep from talking about it or asking questions until he fell asleep, but he had not tried initiating anything in the weeks after.

"Would you like to be on top next time?" I asked.

"W-what?" he sputtered, apparently caught off guard by the question.

"Next time we have sex would you like to be on top instead?" I asked again.

He mumbled something incoherently before burying his face in the pillow, though I could see his neck and ears turning even redder.

I smiled. "It's cute when you blush."

"The commander is not supposed to be cute" I heard him say, though it was terribly muffled by the pillow.

I leaned over and kissed the back of his neck, his skin was so warm. "C'mon, what are you hiding from?"

"I don't know" he groaned into the pillow.

"Then why hide?"

"It's… just a lot I suppose. I mean not that I'm not happy about it, because I am, it's just new, all of this."

"New can be fun and exciting though" I said as I inched closer to him, snuggling up against him.

"Says the one who refused to come out of her room the first few weeks she was here."

"We're talking about you, not me."

"Whatever you say, my Inquisitor" He rolled onto his back and pulled me on to his chest, smiling from ear to ear now.

I nuzzled my face into his neck, I could feel his pulse beating strong and steady, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest under me as he breathed. It had taken some getting used to, but at last this felt natural, being with a human. I breathed in deeply, inhaling his scent; he smelled like pines and chantry incense, and something darker, like mahogany or teak wood. It was rich and musky, and comforting. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me against him tightly as he kissed the top of my head.

"So can you be alright with new?" I asked, kissing his neck.

"I'll live."

My kisses turned into nips along his neck and I could feel a growl forming in his throat as my nips got progressively harder. He pressed his hand against the small of my back pushing me down onto him even more and ground his hips against mine, a firm bulge quickly forming between his legs. I suckling at his neck, leaving bruises on his skin. My hands wandered up to his head and I laced my fingers into his hair, using it as leverage to pull his head back, further exposing his neck. He frantically maneuvered his other hand up the front of my shirt to cup one of my breasts and squeeze it firmly while he thrust his hips against me.

I bit down on his neck much harder, causing him to whimper a bit from the sudden pain.

"Ugh, fuck Tallie." He muttered under his breath, but he urged me to continue. I bit and suckled with even more pressure until I tasted blood in my mouth and I pulled myself away to admire my work. His neck was dominated by a nearly black bruise and several small pearls of blood were welling up from where my teeth pierced his skin. I ran my tongue along the bruise, lapping up the blood before it has a chance to drip down and stain the pillow and he continued his frantic thrusting against me.

"Would you like some help?" I asked, raising my gaze up to met his eyes. He had a hungry look in his eyes, full of desire and wanting. A smile broke out across his face.

I pushed myself up so I was straddling his legs instead and I ran my hand down his chest to the top of his pants, pausing for a moment to watch the look of anticipation on his face. I slide my hand down into his pants and tugged at the edge for his small clothes watching him squirm as he waiting not so patiently. I slowly slide my hand into his smalls and traced around his base, causing him to arch his back and thrust himself into my hand. I smiled as I watch him wriggle about, waiting for me to make the next move. I ran my fingers up to his tip, he shuddered as I did so and I traced lazy circles around it, causing him to twitch and jerk about.

"C'mon Tallie" he grunted. I liked hearing him speak when he was like this, there was a feral quality to his normally calm and collected voice. I liked seeing him like this, his hair falling into his face, there was a healthy glow to his skin, and the normally careful commander let his walls down and forgot his boundaries.

"What do you want?" I teased.

"Anything" he growled, "Just something more than that."

"Look at that, you're talking without blushing."

Cullen reached up and caught the back of my neck and pulled me down, catching my mouth with his, wasting no time parting my lips and thrusting his tongue into my mouth. He had gotten more confident over the months and it showed; he was by no means skillful, but he made up for it with passion. We kissed for a while, fighting back and forth for dominance while Cullen continued to thrust himself into my hand. I wrapped my fingers around him, making him moan into my mouth as he picked up his now frantic pace. I felt him throb in my hand, I could feel his heart pounding, his breath became ragged as he panted and moaned.

I pushed myself up and braced myself against his shoulder with my other hand. He watched my face, searching for any clue as to what I was up to. He reached up again and tried to tug me back down.

"No" I told him and he lower his hand back down. I leaned down and kissed along his jaw line. I trailed my kisses down his neck, pausing to swirl my tongue along the bruise I left on him earlier, claiming him as mine. I kissed across his collarbone, exploring the hollows of his collar bone with my tongue. I kissed down his chest, stopping to run my tongue across one of his nipples, causing him to twitch for a moment. I kissed down his stomach, following the light dusting of gold hairs that disappeared into his pants. I paused at the top of his pants and removed my hand from his pants. Cullen looked at me with a mixture of confusion, disappointment, and anticipation.

He raised his eyebrows, waiting on me to make the next move. I tugged at his pants, sliding them down a bit. Cullen braced his feet against the bed and lifted himself up to help me with getting his pants and smalls down. I gently wrapped my fingers around his length again, using a firm pressure as I ran my hand up and down him. He closed his eyes and let out a contented sigh as I continued.

"Maker's breath Tallie" he groaned.

I lower my face down to met him and playfully swirled my tongue around his tip, causing him to arch his back even more and nearly jam himself into my mouth. I pulled back a bit so I could look up and see his face, his eyes were closed and his lips were slightly parted. I reached down and ran my tongue up his length from base to tip, causing him to twitch and spasm a bit.

"Fuck" he gasped again. "Please Tallie" he grunted.

I reached up and wrapped my lips around his tip, swirling my tongue across, slowly drawing him into my mouth and hollowing my cheeks as I began to bob my head up and down rhythmically and I felt him throb even more.

Cullen reached down and entwined his fingers in my hair, using his hands to guide me and set a new, quicker pace. I began to suckle with more pressure, causing him to moan. Cullen pushed my head down, jamming himself completely into my mouth and down my throat. I sputtered and choked, my eyes watering a bit as he continued to thrust vigorously, sliding himself in and out of my throat, holding my head in place. After a few moments I adjusted to the initial shock, humans were much larger than elves in every sense after all. I hollowed my cheeks even more and listened to all the sounds Cullen made; he grunted, and moaned, but most enticing was when he spoke.

"Oh fuck Tallie" he gasped, "Tallie." His gasps and moans slowly nearly became bellows and he picked up his pace, trying to thrust himself further into my mouth and throat. "Tallie, Tallie. Oh Maker. Fuck" he moaned. He gave a particularly forceful thrust and held himself deep in my throat, I could feel him throb as his hot seed flowed down the back my throat. He gasped for air as he held my head down and finished, holding himself there for a few moments even after he finished, still throbbing a bit.

He finally released his grip on my head and I removed myself from him. I coughed a bit and my throat was burning from him nearly rubbing it raw. I moved up to nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck and I could feel his heart pounding under his skin. I coughed some more as I worked on positioning myself a bit better.

"I'm sorry" he apologized somewhat awkwardly, his voice completely changing again back to his normal calm and concerned voice.

"It's alright Cullen. I'm just glad you're getting more comfortable with things. Much better the second time, huh?"

"Yeah, not being worried about people walking in on you does make a difference."

I coughed again, feeling the rawness in my throat even more.

"I'm sorry; I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?" he apologized again.

"You're just fine, that's usually what happens but keep in mind that elves are smaller than humans; I'm not used to things so far down my throat."

Cullen winced. "I'm sorry."

"Will you stop apologizing? If I didn't want to do that I wouldn't have, and certainly not twice."

"Yeah, but I didn't do that the first time, I kind of just stood there."

"And you're learning, and you're getting more stamina too."

"People last longer?"

"After some practice."

He furrowed his eyebrows.

"Creators Cullen, I'm 26, why do you think I know how to do all this?"

"I mean I figured that much, it just... strange. I mean I know by now pretty much everyone else has all this figured out, but it's still new to me, and I know you've done that before, it was evident enough the first time, and I know you've slept with men before, I mean for Maker's sake you hoped right on up the first time. It's just, I don't know."

"Cullen?"

"It's just, I wonder, did you have a mate in your clan? Is that why you have practice?"

"Look, Cullen, anything like that is in the past-"

"So you did?"

"Not yet. I had what you would call suitors, and yes, I had slept with them and whatnot, and had the conclave not been blown up I would have reported back to my clan and chosen a mate, but that doesn't matter now. My life is different now, I'm here now, I'm with you now."

"The first man you slept with, was he one of your suitors?"

"Do we really need to talk about this now?"

"Please just answer the question Tallie."

"Yes."

"And there were multiple suitors?"

"Yes."

"How many?"

"Is this really appropriate right now?"

"Tallie."

"Three, Cullen. There were three. Happy now?"

I could not see his face from here, but I could feel him turn his head to look away from me. Was that really so upsetting to him?

"Did you love any of them?" he asked in a small voice.

"Yes. I loved each of them, otherwise I would not considered choosing one as my mate."

"Do you still love any of them?"

I paused. I had not really thought about them since I settled into the Inquisition. In the beginning I thought of little else but my clan and the people I left behind, but as I grew closer to the people here I thought about them less. They had all been good men, the first and I could spend hours talking about lore and magic, the warrior and I would spar and share stories by the fire wrapped in each other's arms for protection, and the hunter, oh the hunter. I had known him my whole life, he had seen me at my best and worst, he had been my best friend and more. At the age of 17 he had been my first partner, it had been clumsy but I enjoyed every moment of it. I cared for the hunter, I knew in my heart that he was the one I would have chosen when I returned and it pained me now to think about it. I wondered if he waited for me, or if he found someone else. It hurt to think he would have moved on, but is that not what I did to him?

"No" I answered, though I was uncertain of my answer. I loved Cullen, I really did, but walking away from such a major part of my life was not easy.

"Please, if there's someone else you'd rather be with, someone you have history with, I understand." His voice fell to a hushed whisper. "Please don't give me hope if there is none. I've never felt anything like this before and I don't want to have to let you go, but if you'd be happier somewhere else, with someone else, then I want you to be happy, you deserve so much better."

"Cullen?"

He rolled over onto his side, facing his back towards me, knocking me off him in the process. "I should just go." He moved to stand up, but I quickly caught him by the wrist.

"Cullen, you know I love you" I pleaded. "You're a good man; you're loving, and sweet, and caring and you've gone through so much and done things you're not proud of, but you admit to it and you work so hard to make up for it. You give everything you've got into anything you do, there is not a day that goes by where you do not fully devote yourself to the Inquisition. And you've given everything you've got to me, to us. I love you. Whatever has happened in the past is the in past now, know that now I'm giving you everything I've got too; I promise."

Cullen turned to face me, his eyes were glassy and damp.

I took a deep breath. The first, the warrior, the hunter, it did not matter now. My life had changed; things would never be the same again. I pushed everything from before out of my mind.

I sat up and reached out to cradle his face between my hands. "I do not love any of them Cullen, I love you. There's nowhere else I'd rather be and there's no one else I'd rather be with. You don't have to worry about losing me, I have no intention of leaving."

A look of relief spread across his face and he sunk back down onto the bed and leaned on me.

"You promise?" he asked.

"I promise"