A/N: So this is the reason (aside from real life!) that I've been so terrible at updating stories recently. It might be a little early but I have a ton of assessments coming up before Christmas, and this idea has run away with itself, so I thought I'd get on with posting. I also have some other ideas for Christmas fics (including the Christmas Gift Fic Exchange) which I'd like to have done by the 25th. :)

In case it isn't obvious, this story is a Criminal Minds twist on the theme of "It's a Wonderful Life". There will be plenty of nods to one of the greatest films of all time but there are also plenty of ideas of my own in there too.

As always, I own nothing to do with Criminal Minds, and I hope you enjoy the story.

/
/

Darlene Love's voice filled the car as JJ drove home. She turned the radio off in a temper, unable to find a station where the music wasn't filled with the sound of sleighbells. That was probably to be expected, given that it was mid-afternoon on the 24th of December, but she was far from being in the festive spirit.

As she continued to drive, now with just the sound of the car's engine and the slushy remnants of snow beneath the tires, her mind replayed the events which had led her to her lack of enthusiasm for the holidays. It had all gone wrong the previous night. Up until that point they'd been a step ahead of the UNSUB. They just hadn't profiled that he would change his victimology; they hadn't thought he would move from targeting prostitutes to targeting teenage girls. And by the time they saw what was happening, it was too late.

"Drop your weapon!" her own voice had shouted, as she'd approached the barn. The others had been back at the main house, but she'd known Reid wasn't too far behind. The call had been hers to make. Protocol said she should wait for back-up, but instinctively she'd approached the door and shouted.

He'd spun around immediately, glaring at the agent who'd disrupted him. If she'd shot sooner, then maybe the outcome would have been different. But she wanted to give him that one last chance to surrender. They weren't killers; using a bullet to take down an UNSUB was a last resort.

Unfortunately he hadn't had the same regard for human life and the bullet had left the chamber of his gun quicker than her brain could process. A flash. A bang. And the girl was bleeding out on the floor.

His body was quickly in the same position, following a single shot to the head, fired with a reflexive squeeze of the trigger the instant she realised what was happening.

But her actions were in vain.

"JJ, are you okay?" Spencer had asked, when he arrived, weapon drawn, and eyes wide as he took in the scene before him.

By then JJ had been cradling the girl in her arms, begging her to stay alive. As was revealed by the post-mortem the following morning, the bullet had missed her heart but torn an artery. She hadn't died quickly or painlessly as JJ had later told her distraught parents. It had taken several minutes before the ever-decreasing cloud of breath stopped forming in the cold air. Several long minutes where her wide and fearful eyes had watched JJ and begged to see her parents one last time.

"You should have waited," Hotch had told her sternly before they returned to the hotel in a state of exhaustion and sadness. "You know better than to go after an UNSUB on your own."

His words and disappointment only added to her sense of guilt. What if she hadn't waited before pulling the trigger? What if she hadn't alerted him to her presence or approached the barn?

What if she hadn't been there at all?

/
/

Pulling up in front of her house, JJ tried to push the case to the back of her mind. It was Christmas Eve. Her mom was arriving later that day. And Henry and Will were inside. With a forced smile, she turned her keys in the door and stepped inside.

"Will," she called out, only to be met with the sound of her husbands frustrated curses drifting from the living room. "Will, is everything okay?" she asked, following the sound of his voice.

"The damn lights don't work!" he snapped in response, throwing the string of Christmas lights to the ground. He was kneeling on the floor, with an array decorations scattered all around.

"Why don't I try?" she offered, shrugging her arms out of her jacket and placing her go-bag on the floor.

"What are you gonna do that I haven't tried?" he responded, shortly.

"I was just trying to help," she muttered, feeling slightly taken aback by his tone.

"If you wanted to help you coulda been here before now. It's your mom that's comin'," he reminded her pointedly, abandoning the lights and walking straight past her towards the kitchen.

"Where's Henry?" she asked, changing the subject and looking for a excuse to avoid getting into a proper argument.

"He's in his room," came Will's response, followed by the slamming of pots and pans onto the counter in the kitchen.

Feeling even worse from her encounter with her husband, JJ climbed the stairs to see her son. She bit her lip and fought back tears, anticipating the comfort of the little boy's smiling face, and after knocking softly on the door, stepped into his room.

"Hey, Henry," she greeted him, surprised that he remained so quiet - he normally came close to knocking her off her feet when she returned from a long case.

Henry glanced up from the game he was playing with his action figures wearing the same accusatory look Will had given her moments before.

"You missed my nativity play," he said slowly, watching as her expression instantly changed.

Though she hadn't thought it possible, her heart sunk even lower into her stomach. Not only had she missed the Christmas pageant at his school, but she had completely forgotten about it.

"I'm so sorry, Henry," she told him, feeling the tears start to burn in her eyes once again.

Henry didn't miss his mother's attempt to discreetly wipe her eyes with her sleeve. It was never good when grown-ups cried.

"Aunt Penny made a video and I can put on my costume and sing you my song," he told her, brightening slightly as he got to his feet and crossed the room towards her. Six year-olds could only stay mad for so long before they opted to fall into their mothers' arms.

JJ wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his hair. Pressing kisses to the top of his head, she inhaled the scent which always made her feel that she was home. But it was different this time. The overwhelming love for her son was there, but around the edges gnawed the sickening guilt which had fixed itself deep inside her body. She'd let him down and there was very little she could do to fix that.

"I love you," she murmured. "I love you so much, Henry. Even when I'm not here."

"Did you get the bad guy?" he whispered, and though he received no answer, she pulled him even tighter against her chest.

/
/

"Do you need any help?" JJ asked carefully, after leaving Henry to return to his game and joining her husband in the kitchen. Will was beginning the preparations for Christmas dinner the next day.

"I've needed your help for the past three days," he replied, without looking up from the vegetables he was chopping.

"Will, I was..." she began hopelessly.

"I know, it's the job," he cut her off. "I knew what I was gettin' into when I married you," he added, not caring that he was being hurtful. Juggling his own job and the run up to Christmas with a small child hadn't been easy and he was angry. Not necessarily with her, but with the fact she hadn't been there.

"I'm sorry," she apologised quietly.

"Did you get him?" Will asked, showing little real interest as he presented her with the same question as her son.

"He's dead," she responded, giving very little away. It seemed that her absence from home could only be excused if she was successful in her work. But if she couldn't even do that, then where did that leave her?

Will didn't ask any further questions and returned his full attention to the carrots on the chopping board. JJ waited, willing him to turn around and see that she was struggling. But it seemed he was too consumed by his anger to be aware of anything else. She felt her chest tighten with the tension in the room and the surge of emotion that she'd been trying to keep at bay.

"I'm going out," she mumbled, needing to get away.

"You just got back," he snapped in disbelief.

"I'm going to get new Christmas lights," she decided, trying to think of something which might make her feel less useless. "I won't be long."

"Don't worry, we can all survive just fine without you, JJ."

She anticipated the sting of his words but it never came. All she felt was that someone had finally said aloud what she had been thinking all day.

/
/

The shopping mall was giving her a headache. It was bright and busy and full of people who also seemed to be missing the joy of the season. All around her, impatient shoppers bustled about, clutching their paper cups of overpriced and over-sweetened coffee, or struggling under the weight of their bags. Children whined at the lack of attention they were receiving from their parents. Teenagers stropped over being forced to spend time with their families. And amongst it all, the taunting sound of cheerful bells stood out from the music playing over the sound system.

"Excuse me," JJ said to the bored and hungover looking shop assistant. "I'm looking for a set of Christmas lights."

"We don't have any," the girl replied, barely acknowledging the customer, and without missing a beat.

"You don't have any?" JJ responded, raising her eyebrows in disbelief.

"No," came the short answer.

"Can you tell me where they would have been?" she enquired, deciding she'd check for herself.

"Over there," the assistant shrugged, pointing towards some disorganised and partially empty shelves.

"Thank you," JJ muttered sarcastically, as the girl return to slouching against the counter, before she headed in the direction she had been pointed.

Unfortunately, leaving the low standard of customer service aside, she discovered that the young shop assistant had been right. Despite the franticness of her search among the dented boxes of glass baubles and Santa shaped candles, there wasn't a single string of lights to be found. A fresh wave of disappointment hit her weary mind and she let out a deep sigh. How could they have a Christmas tree without lights? Fixing the tree was the least she could have done to start making up for her latest absence.

But, as fate would have it, there were far greater events at play in the universe than a broken string of Christmas lights.

Perhaps if she'd been paying greater attention she'd have heard the shout of an elderly woman warning her of what was about to happen. Perhaps if she'd been thinking of more than her every failure, from her inability to save a life, to her inability to decorate a tree for her son, she'd have heard the snapping of strings above her. And if she'd just have looked up for a split second, she might have seen the object falling towards the ground.

But she didn't.

And that was how Agent Jennifer Jareau came to lie unconscious in the middle of a shopping mall on Christmas Eve, with a cardboard angel by her side and her preceding thoughts lingering on how everything would be so much better in a world where she didn't exist.