AN- Happy Thanksgiving, or er, Thursday for people who don't live in a country that celebrates it. Or just Day in general if you're not reading this on the day of publication. I am thankful for Nintendo (who owns the characters here, not me), so I will celebrate that with a crack fic! So, thanks and enjoy! –Twilight Joltik

Of Course it Doesn't Make Any Sense!

AKA the story where Chrom learns that "curiosity killed the Exalt" and Lyn is extremely detrimental to his mental health

By Twilight Joltik

Staring out the window on the side of the Fighter's Assistants' quarters, Chrom sighed. Neither Robin had been in a match in the past fifteen minutes, and there was only so much of Waluigi's rambling he could take. "Lyn!" he called out to the green haired swordswoman lunging at the Sandbags with her Mani Katti.

She turned towards him, sheathing her blade. "Yes?"

"Please," he begged, clutching his Falchion's handle. "Can I be un-banned from using the Sandbags? I'm bored, and if I hear anything else with an –a on the end without some distraction, I'm going to hurt something that is not meant for training!"

Lyn gave a small head shake. "Sorry," she apologized, beginning to attack the training dummies once more. "They threatened to quit if you were allowed use of them."

The Ylissean prince sighed deeply. "How does that even work?" he asked aloud. "They're inanimate objects, how can they quit?"

A rather devious smile slipped on to the Sacean's face as she sheathed her blade once more and walked over to Chrom. Putting a hand on his shoulder, an exasperated laugh-sigh hybrid escaped her lips. "Look, nothing makes any sense here."

"How so?" Chrom asked, raising an eyebrow. "The pamphlet they gave me seemed to make sense. They fight, we help whenever they summon us, the Hands sell tickets and make enough money to sustain the strain on time and space, how does it not make sense?"

Several of the others in the room burst into laughter upon hearing this, Lyn included. "Have you ever set foot in the Smash Mansion?" she asked.

Chrom shook his head. "No, Lucina told me I wasn't allowed to enter. Is that not-?"

"Smart girl you have. Sweet too. Trying to protect her daddy, that's adorable. I almost feel bad that I'll have to make her efforts to protect you for naught," the green-haired woman chuckled slightly ominously before pulling Chrom out of his chair. "Look, matches end for the day in a few minutes. For your own good, so you understand this place, I'm going to have to show you around the Mansion."

Even though Lyn's attitude towards it was fairly disturbing, Chrom was willing to risk whatever she had planned if it meant escaping trying to sleep through Midna's and Riki's ramblings and being accused of chocolate theft by Doc Louis. He agreed with a nod, and stood by the door out of the FAQ, as it was abbreviated, until Master Hand's voice called out across the heavens of this Outrealm announcing the end of the fighting day. As Lyn led him across the great grounds of the realm, he caught a glimpse of Ness, Diddy Kong, and three others he did not recognize playing some sort of game.

Lyn stopped in front of their game. "We now arrive at our first example of nonsensicality," she announced.

After a pause, in which Chrom observed the game, he thought he figured out what Lyn meant. The game seemed to be played with a ball, several sticks, a barrel, and a flashlight. On occasion the players would call out nonsensical scores such as "Bogey on my six!", but there seemed to be no pattern to whatever else they were doing. "Yeah, that is a weird game," Chrom agreed, eliciting only a laugh from Lyn.

"No, that's just Wafflesticks," Lyn explained. "The real weird thing is this- Hey, Ness, Lucas!"

Ness and a blond boy suddenly set down their sticks and saluted to Lyn. "Yes, ma'am!" Ness cried out, Chrom noting his voice had a distinct accent.

"Do you need something, ma'am?" added the blond boy, his voice bearing the same accent most of the fighters, Chrom and Lyn included had.

"That will be all," Lyn dismissed. The boys saluted once more and resumed their game. "See what I mean?"

"The saluting thing?" Chrom suggested.

A sigh of exasperation came from the Sacean. "No, they're just scared of me," she explained. "I mean, Ness sounds foreign, but Lucas sounds like he's not, while he's actually the foreign one."

"Okay, I guess that doesn't really make sense," Chrom admitted. "Still not as weird as the other things."

Pointing towards the Mansion, Lyn began to march towards it, calling "Next stop, Smash Mansion!" Chrom followed.

The great doors of the manor flew open automatically, which, considering Lyn didn't say a word of it, was probably not an oddity. Instead, she led the prince straight down the foyer towards a great cafeteria, buffet tables like the ones that appeared around meal time in the FAQ lining the walls. The food all looked enticing, but as Chrom's hand snuck towards a chicken leg, a great glowing sign reading "Food for Smashers ONLY" appeared on the glass. He jumped backwards into Lyn in shock, who simply proceeded forward toward Jigglypuff and Kirby, who were chowing down on some soup, which resembled Robin's attempts at cooking so greatly that Chrom's appetite vanished at once.

"Example two," Lyn began before placing her hands on the edge of the table the two pink puffs were sitting at and leaned forward. "Hey, Jigglypuff, Kirby," she greeted. "How are ya?"

Kirby jumped in fright and scooted to the opposite side of the booth, eying Lyn nervously, while Jigglypuff simply smiled. "We're good," she told. "Rough day, but we'll be fine. Er," she gave a scorning look at her dining mate. "Sorry 'bout him, he thinks you're Meta Knight in disguise."

Chrom blinked several times, not quite believing what his eyes and ears were telling him. "The Pokémon talk?" he cried out in disbelief. "But the pamphlet said they couldn't, and only Lucario ever talks in fights, but then it's just telepathy and-"

"Congratulations, Exalt," Lyn deadpanned, clapping rather slowly. "You got one right. Now, next oddity before Kirby has a heart attack!"

As they walked away from the pink puffs, he heard a loud sigh from Kirby. Lyn threw the doors to the next room open, revealing a much nicer game room than the one in the FAQ. Pit, Dark Pit, Lucina, and Palutena were all playing Mario Kart on a mostly intact couch, while the Male Robin, Shulk, Link, a red head he didn't recognize, and a brown-haired boy were playing some card game. The Sacean walked towards the couch and pulled on the end of Dark Pit's scarf, who loudly protested "Hey, stop that, I'm about to catch up to Palutena!"

"Example three," Lyn began, paying no mind to the angel clone's cries. "Dark Pit's very existence is an enigma in itself!"

Palutena decided to finish that thought, pausing the game, much to the now in fifth place Dark Pit's relief. "Yeah, I mean, considering we're all Trophy Clones, and Dark Pit's a clone to begin with, does that make him a clone of Pit's clone here, or a clone of the original Dark Pit, who was the original Pit's clone?"

Splitting pain ran through Chrom's skull. "Th-that makes no sense," he muttered. "What do you mean we're all Tro-"

He was cut off by an exasperated gasp from his daughter. "F-father!" she cried. "You can't be here!"

"But Lyn said I-"

"No, I mean you can't be here for sanity reasons," Lucina corrected. "I don't want you to see things you can't unsee. Quick, leave now, before something happens!"

Chrom put a reassuring hand on his daughter's shoulder. "I've seen plenty of things I wish I could unsee. My sister's 'death', villages turned to wastelands by wars, my best friend turned into a mindless vessel for evil, Gaius shirtless, and even Henry's, er, issues, and I've survived. I think I can take a little headache."

Lucina turned to Lyn with a begging look in her eyes. "Please," she pleaded. "Can't you convince him before-"

"He'd see it all eventually anyways," Lyn countered. "Better go ahead and rip the bandage off quickly, right?"

Though the princess didn't seem to understand the metaphor, she gave a defeated sigh. "Fine," she muttered. "Father, if any of this gets to be too much, I'm fairly sure Doctor Mario has some amnesia pills."

"Let's continue, then!" Lyn cried. She walked over to the card game and motioned for Chrom to follow. After observing the game for only a few seconds, he learned he had absolutely no idea what it was they were playing. It seemed to be some variation of Poker, but using cards with Pokémon on them rather than a normal deck. Several coins were on the table, but only Robin, Shulk, and the brown haired boy were holding any cards.

"So, what game is this?" Chrom asked, knowing he'd probably be met with scorn.

The brown haired boy was the first to acknowledge him, looking up from his cards but keeping his poker face intact. "It's Poké-er," he stated flatly. "Like normal Poker, but with Pokémon cards, and the winner is the person with the highest sum of HP in their cards."

"We can deal you a hand next round if you want," Robin offered, the same sly smirk he bore when outsmarting Virion in chess on his face. "After I win, of course. Bet fifty."

The tactician pushed in a teetering stack of coins, and the brown haired boy set his cards down with a groan. Leaning over to Lyn, Chrom whispered "What is it you wanted to show me, exactly?"

Lyn gave a small laugh. "You'll see."

Chrom's eyes turned back to the game as Shulk stared at Robin intently, as if searching for some sign of a bluff before he matched the bet. For some reason, the seer's cheeks were tinged pink as he glanced between his sword, which was propped against the wall, out of his reach, and the chuckling tactician. He gave a defeated sigh as he set down his cards.

Robin erupted into laughter as he pulled in the coins in the middle of the table and set his cards on the table, face up. Chrom had no clue what they meant, but the annoyed sounds coming from the rest of the table pretty clearly displayed the bluff. "Sorry, love," the tactician almost mocked, his eyes singling out Shulk as the receiver of the taunt. "Don't trust everything you see."

"Remind me never to gamble against you again," grumbled Shulk, looking a lot less upset about it than he sounded, the blush still present. "Or at very least, not without the Monado."

"What's the fun in that?" questioned Robin with a smile that seemed almost flirtatious. Chrom realized about then what Lyn was showing him, much to his confusion.

"Wait, are they-?" Chrom asked, being met with a nod and rather creepy grin from the green haired swordswoman.

"Example four," Lyn explained. "Absolutely zero percent of the romantic relationships here make much sense. Our example is Shulk, who should, in theory, be interested in a girl named Fiora, and Robin-"

"Who I was pretty sure was going for an S-support with Anna," Chrom finished. "Robin, I'm really confused here. How exactly did… well," he motioned to the amused grins shared between the seer and the tactician. "That happen?"

Robin simply shrugged. "We started talking and trying to be friends, and it just sort of escalated. The paired up battles against all those Risen probably helped too."

"Yeah, I guess talking to pretty much only one person for a month straight and being locked out of the Mansion during a meteor shower by Peach helped too," added Shulk.

Rubbing his aching forehead, Chrom sighed. "Okay, I guess that's not as crazy as I thought," he admitted. "I could sort of see it, or at least I could if I kept a notebook of how close soldiers were to marrying and who would go best together." After he said the last part, Robin gave a defensive shrug as a few pairs of accusing eyes fixated their gazes on him.

"Oh, trust me," Lyn continued, mischievous smirk still present. "They're just the tip of the iceberg. They sort of make sense, but then we get into the LinkxSamus-es of the mansion and the IkexMarth-s and it just sort of goes dow-" She clapped her hand over her mouth, as if realizing what she'd just said wasn't something she should have.

Chrom's first reaction was senseless sputtering. "H-how-? What-? Huh?"

"Yeah, they've been together since partway through Brawl," explained the red head Chrom didn't recognize. "And trust me, it took way longer than it should have. All of their senseless flirting and denying they were together, it got annoying really quickly."

The only words Chrom could muster out came out like a cough: quickly and dryly. "How can I still exist if my ancestor isn't with Lady Cadea?" As it sat in his head, the room started to get very dark and spin very quickly.

"Well, they're clones too, so-" Lyn cut her explanation short as the prince hit the ground with a thud. "Oh, wait, he fainted."

Pit proceeded to say something that Chrom would have been very glad not to be conscious to hear. "Well, at least that's what got him. Just think what would have happened if you'd gotten to Dark Pit and Lucina!"

AN- I- I don't even know. I'm only about ninety percent sure this is a crack fic, and the other ten percent of my brain is thinking that I just wanted to explain how I rationalize shipping and OOC-ness in this universe. Also, I really want to play Poké-er now. It sounds fun.

So, thanks for reading! –Twilight Joltik