A Born Coward

"What's the matter, Alfred?"

I was shaken out of my stupor by a warm hand on my shoulder. I blinked unwillingly, my blue eyes probably still in a daze as they slid over to the owner of the hand. Warm coffee-coloured eyes stared back at me in worry and slight confusion.

I gave the owner a winning smile, one that masked my internal struggle. "It's nothing babe, don't worry about it."

Ruth pulled a frown onto her face, something which always looked so comical on her baby face. She sighed in defeat, knowing that she wouldn't and couldn't get much out of me whenever I closed in on myself. "Just...Just be careful okay honey?" She removed her hand, sauntering over to the kitchen counter to feed herself brunch instead.

Truth to be told, I'm not a bad boyfriend. I admit, I'm loud, easily distracted, excitable, a glutton and commented by closest friends and family as being plain obnoxious. In short, I'm a child stuck in a twenty-something year old, almost thirty, body. Yet, no one can deny that I am lovable, which I revel the fact in.

Ruth is my current girlfriend of 6 years now (yes, I keep track of our anniversaries) and I love her to bits. Seriously, she's sweet and innocent, but not that innocent when I get kind of horny and she's definitely my type. I mean, who could ever deny that huge, soft, well-endowed chest area huh? Ruth and I met at work, ironic as that sounds. I was still reeling from my recent break-up when she walked in as an intern that day. Caught me in her net she did, slowly but surely.

When we got together, I thought I could finally let go of my past, the past with my ex which haunted me for days and nights. They sometimes still do, but less with Ruth here and as time wore on. I thought I could finally let sleeping dogs lie.

Fate, you know how bitchy she is, decided not to leave me alone. Come on, I need some peace here! You know how hard it is for me to earn money these days with the deteorating economy? Pshhh, stupid fate.

In the form of Matthew, my awesome half twin brother who is possibly twice removed, fate sent me a letter. With his usual pet polar bear in his arms, Matt came by this morning with a letter in his hands and a solemn look on his face. It's not unusual for him to come by all down with tears threatening to spill over (he's a sensitive guy), but he even rejected the maple syrup pancakes I made. Maple syrup! He never passes up a chance to finish every single drop of it! Something was very wrong with him.

After a few well-placed prods and whines, Matt pulled me into my home office, a small dingy place with a computer at the side table. He sat on the sole swivel chair so I took the bar stool. I was confused, literally confused at what Matt was going through. "Hey Matt. Dude, you okay?" I started.

He looked up at me with those violet eyes full of glistening tears, shocking me in my seat. He sniffled once, twice, before handing me the mysterious letter. I cocked an eyebrow but before I could open my mouth, Matt spoke up. "Alfred, just take it. Take it... take it and then you'll see what I'm sad about." He wiped some stray tears. "You don't have to open it yet, just take a look at the front."

A thick foreboding lodged itself tightly into my chest as I took the letter from Matt's trembling hand. The envelope was opened, not by force, but maybe because it was never properly sealed in the first place. Knowing Matt, he wouldn't read someone's letter without permission. He's kind and caring that way. What I saw on the front however, almost made my heart stop beating.

"Matt... Bro, why the hell are you giving me this?" My voice sounded quiet, a rare occurrence whenever I saw his name, heard it, or thought of it. Unknowingly, there was a hint of anger in my tone for Matt shrunk back in his seat, seemingly guilty. He said nothing, nor did I, and for a long while we just sat there in the dingy room with a palpable silence floating above us.

The silence became intolerable, Matt excused himself saying he had some errands to run. All I could do was nod numbly as a sign of acknowledgement that he was leaving.

Now that Ruth has woken up and was busy in the kitchen, I slipped out of the house, hoping to go somewhere no one would see me, hoping to myself that I would not lose control. A brief jog led me to the secluded area of a shallow forest near the housing estate, a place where he and I used to hang out. The branches hung low from the trees in the summer heat, shadows dancing across the lush grass beneath my feet.

On autopilot, I made my way to a large oak tree, the one where two letter 'A's could be found on its bark. Slowly, gently, I lowered myself to sit down onto the ground as a wave of emotions flooded my entire being. Just sitting here at this place where he once was, where we once were together, I felt as if all the air was sucked out of me. The sound of his rich laughter echoed in my ears, at first subtly, but reached a crescendo in which I began to question my own sanity. I was transported back in time, back to the summer days which we spent under the tree doing nothing and everything together. Making him laugh, that was one of my favourite past times in the whole wide world.

Deciding not to wander off into the past too much, I pulled the letter out of my jeans pocket, turning it over in the glittering sunlight wafting in from between the canopy of leaves. His writing was just as neat, as fancy as I remembered it. In an elegant cursive scrawl, inked on the envelope were the words "To my dearest Alfred. From Arthur." With shaking hands and a pounding heart, I extracted the letter.

Dear Alfred,

I understand that you no longer wish to see me due to our circumstances, but I pray that this letter shall at least reach you safely. You may or may not read this. You may still hate me for what I have done. You probably are, aren't you?

Let me tell you something I have been thinking about for a long time. If we can go back to being friends, then I will ask for nothing more. As long as you're okay with it, I really don't mind. I am truly sorry for what I've done to you and I do hope that we could at least share the bond we once had. (I, a liar, sang a love song with words contrary to my thoughts.)

Did you know, Alfred? Today's weather in the area is a clear sunny sky with a downpour. Yesterday I was making the best use of my time being idle and free. Some knitting here and there, some embroidering, making tea and slightly charred scones (they are delicious, mind you), I was quite enjoying my life. It's not like I was thinking about you or anything... Fine, maybe I was thinking about you just a little against my will...

The inside of my head is always spinning these days, just like one of those merry-go-rounds we saw when you dragged me to the circus once, claiming it would do some good for my grumpiness.

Since it's on the verge of spilling from my hands, to where should I throw away this love you gave me? You do know I have no need for things that diminish the more I use. That has literally been one of the only things which run through my mind everyday for these past few months of solitude.

You can't see its shape, you can't touch it physically, but you can see the words. I feel frustrated by the fact that there are things I don't know of. I feel saddened that we were to distance ourselves because of a failed relationship. Are my dangling emotions beautiful or dirty? I have no idea, and I do not have a place to discard them to.

I'll wait until I get to bottom of the meaning of those words. Those three words which changed our lives drastically, which changed mine forever.

Waiting doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. Yet, I wonder if I would find the answer even when I wait for an eternity. I fear that the answer will always be deluded from me, endlessly.

Since you're still moving ahead while I've already stopped completely, what should I use to fill up the elongating distance between us? As the days pass by, I find myself looking to you more and more until the point of slight obsession. My heart aches every time I see you with another, yet I know that she is good for you, that she will be better than I have ever been and ever will. I know that, I understand that I must leave if I were to want you to live a happier life. My brain acknowledges it. My heart however, does not. I, as an innate coward, still can't use my words honestly.

Since it's on the verge of spilling from my hands, instead of you, to whom else should I give this love to? My love for you seems to overflow from my hands. To whom shall I give it over? I don't think that someone else can be found so easily. You know, I can't find someone else to give it to. Guess I'll keep waiting. That, or I shall keep this feeling sealed tightly inside me for eternity.

I am sorry, Alfred. I am sorry for all that I have done, I am sorry for all that I have yet to do. I am sorry that I have hurt you with my inability to reciprocate your feelings properly and I am sorry that you had to suffer while being with me.

I was a born coward, I still am a born coward for only facing you through a piece of paper.

Alfred, I was happy. In all honesty, no matter how much I pushed you away, I was happy with us. There were good days and bad days, but every single moment felt as if a blessing to me. The only thing which I will not apologise for is meeting you, because my grey life was filled with colour after.

To all that you have done for me, thank you. Thank you, Alfred.

Perhaps one day we shall meet again in that field as new people who have been through various hardships together and separately.

Until next time,

Arthur.

The tears could not stop flowing from my eyes. There was probably snot on my face as well. I heaved heavy breathes in an attempt to keep the oxygen flowing into my lungs, to be alive. Fortunately, no one passed by that area. If not, they would have to face the reality of a grown man crying his guts out in the middle of the day like some lost child in the park.

Guilt washed over me just as sadness did. I remember Arthur with his bright golden hair, fiery emerald eyes, angelic face and earth-shattering smile. I remember the way he always looked away with pink dusting his cheeks when complimented, the way he moved when he walked, the way his cooking sucked, the way his big eyebrows made him look cute, the look in his eyes when we make love, the feel of his hands on my own, the taste of his lips when we kissed, the smell of his skin right after a shower, the subtle touches in public, the warmth of his heavenly smile, the sparkle in his eyes whenever we met.

I threw all that away. I threw all that away just because I thought that he was playing with me, that he didn't actually love me. I broke up with him on the day I met Ruth and I can and will always remember the look in his eyes when I left him. Those brilliant green eyes reflected what happened inside of him, they reflected him crumbling into nothingness. At the moment I was angry, mad. I never wanted to make him look that way, but I didn't want to comfort him either. So, as a coward, I did the only thing I could at the time.

I turned. I walked away without looking back. Not even when I heard him sobbing my name.

The tables were turned now. I was the one who was sobbing his name. My heart clenched painfully in my chest as my tears continued to flow restlessly. He had invited me for lunch once. Claimed that he had something to talk about with me, something important. Still a coward even after being with Ruth, I hurt him again by not showing up. Even then he had sent me flowers to ask how I had been doing. If I had only known, I would have met up with him sooner. If only I had known, I would turn back time to that moment when I broke up with him, slap myself on the face.

Why? Why did I ever let go of someone so perfect, so special to me? Why didn't I see al the signs? Why was I so stupid?

Remorse can't do anything now. No matter how much I cry, no matter how much I scream and shout, no matter how much my heart aches, no matter how much I long for him, no matter how much I still love him even after all these years, he won't come back. He can't.

That's because he died in a car crash a few years ago. It was a winter night, the snow was slippery and he must have slipped. There was a much bigger truck, they collided and an explosion. He didn't have a chance of getting out alive.

Now I'm stuck here, crying my heart out without him by my side.

Arthur, I am so sorry for being a born coward. Please come back to me.

Please.

The end of a USUK fic. Lots of guilt in this one, but I'll try to make others less depressing.
Thank you for reading this fic, I hope you liked it!

PS: The story is inspired by 'Ama no Jaku' sung by Gumi. Look it up on Youtube.

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