Author's Note: Hey guys! First TMNT fiction here but I've been a reader for years and I'm a huge fan. This is just a little Raph/April one-shot I've had in my head for a while. I may continue it (in the form of a series of one-shots) if anyone would like.

Edit: Thanks to triacylglycerol, an awesome reviewer and fantastic tumblr artist for the coverart!

Edit 2: Winner of TMNT Stealthy Stories 2014 Fanfic Competition for "Best Raphael." I am so incredibly happy! Thank you to everyone who read and voted (or even just read!)

Warnings: Character death, adult language, mentions of suicide.

It hadn't been an official discussion.

Hell, he wasn't even sure if the others really stayed like he did. Still, he knew his brothers worried. That they kept vigil at April's apartment from her windowsill, each meeting the other as if by chance and then taking up their quiet mantle with a nod.

Six months of this shit. Six. Fucking. Months.

April hadn't been to the lair in all that time. She hadn't spoken to them or smiled. She wasn't even going to school anymore. The company she kept was her bed and the dimly lit lamp next to it. Raphael couldn't see her from his post at the living room window, where he sat with one long leg dangling near the fire escape, but he knew she was in there, curled up in the corner of a pile of dingy blankets she'd hardly moved or washed.

It was a cool night, but he didn't feel up to dropping into April's living room for a blanket. The biting sting of the New York City winds was bracing in a way. Without anything to tend to, without his brothers to distract him, his mind wandered.

Raph and April had never had much one-on-one interaction until about a year ago. He remembered the sunny summer morning with startling clarity.

"When is everyone going to stop baby-sitting me?"

Raphael nearly dropped the carton of eggs he'd been holding. "Christ, you wake up early. You and Leo, I swear to God." Raph turned swiftly in his friend's kitchen and began to pull out dishware. He only spared a half-glance at April, who was giving him an annoyed look from where she stood in a pair of penguin pajama pants and a school brand sweatshirt. It was seven AM on a Saturday. What she was doing up this early was beyond him.

Raph began cracking eggs into a skillet. He'd never admit it, but he secretly enjoyed cooking. Breaking things was his favorite part. "You know how things are with the Kraang right now," he said finally, huffing when April purposefully stood in his way. "Master Splinter wants us to keep an eye on you." And because he felt like annoying her even more, Raph continued with -

"S'not my fault you're tiny and weak." He smirked at the redhead's growl, grinning with satisfaction as his eggs sizzled. Behind him, April shuffled and sat down heavily on the bar stool nextto her kitchen island.

"Well, it's not my fault you're a jerk." A pause. "Make me some eggs."

"Can do," Raph said swiftly, dipping into the carton and tossing out two more eggs with ease. Moments later, the two of them sat down at the counter to a full breakfast and were content to shovel food into their mouths rather than speak. Raphael didn't mind keeping watch over April. It was better than sticking around home all day anyway, waiting for one of his brother's to give him a reason to hit them. They trained with Splinter, of course (now more than ever), but he was glad to get out of that too. He loved training, but sometimes it did more to incense his anger than temper it.

After they ate, the two of them washed dishes side-by-side. "I think I'm going to go to the library," April said thoughtfully, twisting at that hair of hers that Raph thought was so strange. He liked the color though.

Just as he was getting ready to settle on April's couch with a movie, he saw her watching him with a peculiar interest. "What?" he asked warily. April leaned on the counter, looking thoughtful. Suddenly, she smiled in a way he'd seen her throw at Donnie a few times. This can't be good, he thought.

"Raph, I've had a thought."

"Ya' don't say."

"Wellllll, you were right about what you said earlier. I am tiny and weak. But..." She held up a finger. "There's something you can do about that." Moving from her stool, she hopped up to him and blinked expectantly.

"I doubt it," Raphael said, trying to back away.

"No, really!" April protested, following his every step with hers, hands behind her back in a posture of innocence. "I mean, why waste all this time you're here with me? Why don't we use that time for YOU to train me?" She hopped again.

"To do what?" Raphael exclaimed, alarmed.

April rolled her eyes. "What do you think, Raph? Martial arts! I need to know how to defend myself!"

"April, look at me." He made a grand show of grabbing her forearms, holding her still and then taking in a deep,long-suffering breath. "No."

April's face fell. "Why? Come on, Raph! You're a great warrior and I could learn a lot."

Raph rolled his eyes and dropped his hands. "Don't try that flattery crap on me, April. I'm not Donnie, alright? I don't succumb to lady wiles." He wiggled his fingers at her.

"I'm not using my lady wiles - whatever those are - I'm just asking you as a friend. Why won't you teach me?"

"Isn't Master Splinter already training you?" Raph fell to the couch.

April plopped down next to him, one leg folded onto the cushion. "Well, yeah, but now he's so busy with you guys. And plus, he treats me like I'm going to break. He's afraid to get real with me, ya know?"

Raphael raised a brow, "No, I don't know. He kicks our asses every day." April smirked. "And besides, why don't you just ask Donnie?" Raph continued, grunting in annoyance when she flailed her arms, as if the very idea was ridiculous.

"Oh come on, Donnie already treats me like glass. How would I get ANY sort of real training with him?" Hmph. She had a point. Still, there was no way.

"April, look. It's not about you. I'm a terrible student - Splinter tells me this every day - and I'd be a terrible teacher. You'd be over it in like.. five minutes. And besides, like you said, I have no self restraint," he tossed an arm over the back of the couch. "What if I broke your damn leg or something?" He propped up his feet on the coffee table and shifted his arms behind his head. "I mean, I'm not afraid of Donnie, but I really think he might electrocute me in my sleep or something if I hurt you."

April exhaled loudly, "I can take it, Raph. I promise. Don't you think I should train with someone who won't baby me? The Kraang sure won't. Shredder won't. And Karai?" April made a sputter noise with her lips that made Raph smirk. "She'd kill me just for giggles."

"Hey look, I hate to tell you, but no amount of training I can give you will save you from people who've been doing this their whole lives. Karai literally lives to kill people. You can't teach crazy like that."

"Eugh! At least give me a CHANCE, Raph!" April hopped up and stood over him, hands on her hips. "Please! What you teach me, even the simplest thing, might save my life someday." Raph stared up at her, squinting with one eye as if he were only paying half-attention. Well, damn. Again, she had a point. Maybe if he just.. eugh, damn it. He was already giving in. He chalked up his defeat to his lack of experience in dealing with females.

Another deep, aggrieved sigh escaped Raphael before he stood. "Alright, look. I'll ... I don't know, show you some stuff. But there's a couple of ground rules." He watched with annoyance as April's face twitched with the attempt to hide a grin. "Rule number one," he said loudly, as if to overpower her joy. " ... you tell Splinter what's going on. I'm not going to have one of those fools trying to say I was hiding it from them."

April nodded quickly.

"Rule number two - You do whatever I say. I mean it. I tell you to drop and give me twenty, you do it. I tell you to practice falling for three hours, you do it."

Another enthusiastic nod.

"And finally - " Raph inhaled and then narrowed his eyes at her. "No bitching." April rolled her eyes and Raph pointed vehemently. "See? That's bitching."

"I didn't say anything!"

"You rolled your eyes," He folded his arms. "That's bitching."

April steeled her face into an apathetic mask. It took a lot of effort, Raphael judged. He made a face of his own. This was going to belike training a smart-mouth Mikey. With lady-levels crazy. "Why do you get to roll your eyes and I can't?"

"Because the rule doesn't apply to me," Raph said lightly. When April scowled behind him, he poked her one more time for good measure.

"Bitching!" he warned.

Raphael smirked to himself on the window ledge. He'd give anything to have that April back, the one who'd trained with him for just a few months before things got all crazy. She'd done pretty well in their short time together. He'd even enjoyed it, though he had never thought to tell her so. It took him some time to re-work some routines for her physique and tolerance but the planning behind it had actually been somewhat... therapeutic to him. He'd never been in that leadership position he'd always coveted. There was a bit of pressure to it, he'd realized, putting someone else's development in your own hands.

To her credit, April had done everything he'd said during that time. She'd fought and worked and pushed. She'd done weight-training and kata exercises, motions to limber her limbs and strengthen her muscles. He'd taught her several grabs and holds, mostly how to evade. The one thing he'd always emphasized to her, though, was escape. "Escape?" she'd repeated at the time, flashing him a confused look.

"Yeah, escape," Raph repeated, handing her a towel to wipe her face off with. "You're not trying to kill anyone, April. You're trying to get away."

She leaned into a chair. "I'd never thought you would be someone to tell me to run away."

Raphael paused, his brows furrowed. "Nah, I don't - I don't know, I don't mean it like that. I'm not telling you to be a coward." He worked it over in his brain. "I'm just saying that you shouldn't put your life on the line just to try to finish someone off."

"Why?"

Raphael sat down next to her and shrugged one shoulder. "I dunno," he muttered. "Cause we'd rather see you alive and defeated than dead and victorious?"

He'd been a little confused that day, trying to puzzle out what he meant, but he knew now that he was just trying to protect her. To explain to her that he and his brothers had trained their entire lives knowing that one day they'd likely die in battle. And that she had an altogether different purpose in life. Something she had to live on for.

Now, as he sat against a cool window in the selective darkness of New York City, his words to her had an altogether different meaning.

It didn't matter, though. None of it mattered anymore. Not since Donnie.

Maybe it hadn't even been his death that had hit them all so hard. Maybe it was the way it had happened, right in front of the turtles and April. The way they'd thought the battle was won and they'd all been celebrating, and April had been smiling at Donnie like he was the bravest warrior she knew, which had made his face light up in a way that had Raphael rolling his eyes.

And then - one of those stupid fucking Kraang - they'd left some sort of explosive behind, something they'd meant to detonate but left forgotten in their haste to escape. Donnie spotted it first, warned the others away so he could inspect it. He'd barely stepped up to it when it had gone off, and suddenly a blinding white light erupted in a plume of unnatural flame. It had engulfed Donne before anyone could even react.

For six agonizing seconds, they'd tried to put the fire out. He'd screamed the entire time, fighting to keep conscious, trying to explain to them what to do because this wasn't a normal fire and no amount of water would help.

Mikey finally jumped up and dragged April away when they saw Donnie's screams stopped at last, but the street was still raucous with the sounds coming from Leo and Raph. It was, without a doubt, the worst night of any of their lives, because even if they'd watched Donatello die in battle or of illness, it could not have been worse than seeing him writhe in agony, begging for help, only to bury his unanswered cries with the charred remains of his body some hours later.

Raphael's fingers clenched on his knees. They'd all grieved, okay. They'd dealt with Donnie's death in their own ways. But the family was still together, the fight was still on, and they all knew if they didn't keep up their training they'd simply die, and maybe not even because of the Kraang, but because they'd have nothing left.

April, though. She'd withered.

Raphael had yelled, raged and snapped at his brothers when they'd all stood by. It wasn't their fault. Master Splinter had explained to them, in his own quiet way, that April needed time.

"We can't just leave her in that dark room for the rest of her life," Raphael growled at his brothers one day over the kitchen table. "She looks like a fucking toothpick!"

"I don't know," his orange-banded brother said slowly, his tone uncharacteristically solemn. "I think she'll come around on her own. She's gotta deal with things, ya know?"

"Yeah," Leo grunted, not meeting Raph's gaze. "Master Splinter said - "

"I know what he said," Raphael snapped, standing up from the table roughly. "But she probably thinks we don't even care anymore!"

"She knows we care, Raphael." Leo stood up as well, his eyes narrowed. "But damn it, we can't force her to come back here. It's too painful for her."

"I don't care if she comes here or not," Raphael waved an arm. "I just want her to get out of bed! Go outside! Do SOMETHING!"

"That's not your decision to make!" Leo pushed away his chair. "Just leave her alone, Raph. Not everyone does things like you!"

"Yeah, well. Not everyone does things like you either, thank God." Raphael stomped out of the kitchen and left his remaining two brothers behind that day. The argument had been repeated on numerous occasions over the last six months but they'd always ended the same.

Give her time. Let her grieve. She'll come around.

Turning his gaze to her dark living room again, Raphael shook his head. Whatever. The turtle let his head fall back against the glass, his body temporarily relaxing. However, something in the corner of his gaze flickered with movement. He turned, his expression scrunched as he squinted at something on the floor.

Was that... water?

Green eyes ticked around and then fell on the stream of darkness on the carpet again. It was coming from under April's bedroom door, a heavy flow of steadily moving water that seeped into the carpet. Raphael shifted and opened the window, stepping into the shadows cautiously.

"April?"

He moved, closing the window and shifting around the water to April's door. He paused and listened. Running water. His jaw tensed and he opened the door, stepping into the inky blackness of the bedroom. The moonlight from the living room afforded him a glance of her bed - blankets strewn, otherwise empty. He quickly glanced along the trail of steadily widening water and found April's joining bathroom door.

"April?" He called again, louder this time. The door was closed and locked, but when no voice came from the other side, Raphael shoved his shoulder into the door and it burst open with a crash. He nearly slipped into the massive amount of water on the floor, catching his balance just in time to glance up and choke.

"APRIL!"

Raphael dove at the overflowing bathtub, where April floated in the water like a corpse sent to sea, her eyes closed and her body completely submerged. Raphael hurriedly turned off the faucets and lifted her out of the water. It sloshed over the sides and drenched him from the waist down, but he ignored it and took April into the living room where he quickly set her on the floor.

Panic threatened to overwhelm him for a moment before he listened for her pulse. Quickly he began to use CPR, though he was afraid his motions would do more damage than good. He might break her ribs or something, but god damn it, he had to try!

Carefully shifting her into position, Raphael pressed multiple times against her chest and fought to remember Donnie's nagging instructions.

"Come on, April!" he exclaimed angrily. "Don't do this!"

Breath. Pump. Repeat. April lay still on the floor, her sleep clothes soaked and flat against her. She was so pale and thin. "God damn it! WAKE UP!" Raphael cried out, his motions growing weaker as he began to lose hope. With one last burst of determination, he pumped her chest and then breathed into her mouth.

April sputtered and coughed, rolling onto her side with a strangled gasp. Another choking noise preceded water and bile spilling to the floor.

Raphael jumped away in surprise, his eyes wide. When the girl gave a watery inhale, he fell to his knees next to her and brought his trembling hands to his face. "April, damn it..." He turned her over towards him and helped her up. She blinked dazedly, looking at him for a moment in confusion before she took in her surroundings. Her breathing calmed. Suddenly, her eyes grew angry and she shoved him away.

"Damn it, Raphael!" she exclaimed hoarsely, her eyes filled with tears. "I didn't want your help!" She tried to stand, but fell again.

Raphael scowled. "Well, too bad! You're not killing yourself, April!"

"I can if I want to! Leave me alone!"

Raphael gaped at her. April turned away and tried to crawl, desperate to get away, but Raphael had already made up his mind. What the hell was she THINKING? How could she do this? To herself, to them, to Donnie?

This was what "letting her grieve" had gotten them. This was what she'd been doing instead of healing. Hurting. Loathing. Planning. April had barely gotten her breath when Raphael grabbed her suddenly, yanking her to her feet a little more roughly than necessary.

April jerked in surprise and then shot him a venomous glare. "Let go of me!"

"No," Raphael growled, and then he was dragging her across the living room floor. He pushed her into her bedroom. "Get on some dry clothes."

Now it was April's turn to stare, open-mouthed. "What? No!" she snarled wildly.

"Yes!" Raphael snarled in return, advancing on her with a single menacing step.

"You can't make me!"

"April, go in your room, get on some clothes, and then meet me back in here in five minutes or so help me God, I will come in there and dress you myself."

April's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't."

"You want to fucking test me?"

April's jaw clicked and she gave him the most hateful of looks. The two had a brief stand-off, gauging one another's resolve. Finally, April turned and moved to her dresser, though she did turn and slam the door in his face first. "And if you try to lock this door on me, I'll break it down!" Raphael called heatedly. When April emerged a few minutes later, her wet hair pulled back and her pajamas exchanged for no less dingy street clothes, neither of their moods had improved.

"Now come with me," Raphael ordered.

April folded her arms. "Screw off, Raphael. I'm not going anywhere."

"You are going somewhere, April O'Neil, and that somewhere is the lair with me."

The girl's eyes suddenly watered. "No, no.. I can't. I can't go," she pleaded.

Raphael sucked in a deep breath. "You are. Whether you like it or not."

April stomped her foot, her body quivering with anger. She shrieked at him, "NO GOD DAMN IT!"

"Fine, have it your way." Raphael advanced on her swiftly, and before she had a chance to react, he pinched a nerve in her shoulder and she crumbled in a brief state of unconsciousness. Raphael lugged her over his shoulder.

"Hey, do you think this milk is good?"

Leo glanced up at his brother. "It's solid," he stated, his fingers pausing mid-flip of his comic book.

Mikey glanced at the jug and then tilted his head. "So is that a 'no'?"

"Mikey, throw that away - "

"DAMN IT, RAPHAEL, IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO - "

The two turtles jerked their heads up at the sound of the lair doors opening and then the wicked torrent of screams and curses that followed. With a quick glance at each other, Leonardo and Michelangelo hurried out of the kitchen just in time to see Raphael cross the living area with a writhing April O'Neil on his shoulder. Raphael cursed inwardly. Should've pinched her harder. She'd woken up about halfway home, but she didn't stand a chance against the weight of his arm keeping her on his shoulder. She sure could kick, though.

"Raphael! What are you doing?" Leo shouted, immediately moving to April's assistance, but Raphael pushed him away and quickly hopped up to the door of the dojo.

"Shove off, Leo. This ain't got anything to do with you."

"Let her go!" Leo growled, but Raphael managed to kick him away and hurry into the dojo. Both of his brothers leaped at the door, but he'd already slid it shut and locked it by the time they came at the entrance with their fists.

"PUT ME DOWN!" April shrieked. Raphael scowled at the door, where his brothers were shouting, and his shoulder, where April was shouting.

He dumped her on the dojo floor. "Ow!" she yelped, glaring up at him again.

Raphael walked over her to the center of the floor. "Get over here," he pointed. April pulled herself up weakly and walked over, apparently just so she could shove his plastron aggressively. "Let me out of here, Raphael!" April's voice cracked, something dangerously close to hysteria taking hold of her. Raphael barely budged at her hands, but her voice affected him a bit more. He pushed himself to be firm. When he thought back to her floating body in the tub, it wasn't so hard.

"Shut up," he told her with a jab of his finger. "Stop screaming. Stop resisting. We're here to train."

The redhead let out an indignant shriek. "I am not training right now, Raphael! I am never training with you again! I just - want - to - go - HOME!" The last word was a bellow that made even April take a step back. She wobbled uncertainly and then fell to the mat, her knees pulled flush against her front.

Raphael growled again. "Get up, April."

"No!" she snapped, falling over onto her side limply. Once again, she was ripped from the floor by Raphael's powerful hands. Her acidic expression briefly shifted to surprise once more.

"Yes!" Raphael shook her just a little. "You are going to stand up, do these exercises with me, and you are going to stop sitting in your bed all day like a god damned corpse! You're better than that, April! You're worth more than that!"

"No, I'm not.." April turned her face away, briefly squeezing her eyes shut. Tears formed again, this time dropping on her shoulders in streams. "I - I can't do it, I can't - do anything. It's all gone." Her voice dropped to a whisper and Raphael had to dip his head a moment to hide his expression. When he looked back up, he pushed his face into a sympathetic but firm form.

"April, I know.. Okay? He was my brother, I - I fucking know. But this shit with you, it's gotta stop. It's not right."

"I never even gave him an answer," she choked out suddenly, and Raphael blinked in confusion before it slowly dawned on him what she was talking about. His stomach twisted. His fingers flexed around her upper-arms but he didn't let go.

"I just - I treated him like, I don't know. Like a toy or something, I was so - so awful!" April sobbed, his knees buckling beneath her. Raphael shifted to support her weight, drawing her just a little closer. "I didn't mean to, I honestly didn't! I just didn't know what to say or how to feel! I cared about him so much, Raphael. You have to know I did!"

"Yeah, I know..." he murmured. "We all knew."

"Everyone except him! I never told him and he always just thought I - " Her words dropped into sobs again and Raphael allowed her just one more moment of incoherence. Then he straightened her into a standing position again.

"You think I don't regret some of the shit I said to Donnie?" She flinched at the sound of his name and Raph didn't blame her. "But he knew I cared about him. He knew I loved him because he was brother and he was great in all kinds of ways I could never hope to be." Raphael looked at his feet briefly, his words stumbling out of his mouth in the most uncomfortable way.

"Me and Donnie.. we were pretty opposite. I mean, hell. Me and Leo got more in common than the two of us did." He exhaled and looked away, over April's shoulder. "But I .. I thought he was great, really I did. And he knew it, even though he might not have even.. I don't know, know that he knew it." He swallowed tightly. "He knew you cared, April. He... he would have done anything for you and that's because he knew how special you are."

He slowly released her arms and hardened his gaze again. "He knew you were strong. And smart. And you've got a hell of a lot more going for you than this hiding in your bedroom crap," he said with a prod to her shoulder. "Which is why I'm here now. To be the asshole who makes you do things you don't want to do."

April turned her watery gaze up to him. "I - I can't..." A wracking sob shook her body. Raphael shook his head and, with just a slight bit of hesitation, touched her chin with a single green digit and turned her gaze up.

"Hey... remember my rule?" He raised both brow ridges at her. "No bitching." Then, with an uncharacteristically gentle motion, he swept his thumb over both of her cheeks and cleared away her tears. His hand lingered for just a moment before dropping away and then he moved in front of her, no more than three feet away. He planted his feet apart and then looked at her expectantly.

April trembled, glancing at the door as if contemplating escape again.

"I got all day, April."

"LET US IN!" Leonardo smashed on the dojo door with a closed fist. "Leonardo!"

The blue-clad turtle jumped and turned to face his Master Splinter as the rat glanced over him with a disapproving stare. He and Mikey hurried forward. "Master, Raphael locked us out of the dojo! He's - "

Splinter glanced over and calmly raised a steel sheet that acted as a window cover to the dojo. Mikey snorted. "Ah, man. We forgot about the windows."

The three of them peered into the dojo and fell silent.

"Ichi," he said carefully, eyeing her.

The redhead looked back at her friend and studied him with a tearful gaze as he moved gracefully into a kata, a pose with one leg extended and the center of his torso low, one arm crooked and the other outstretched. April sniffled. After a long moment, she moved, painfully slow and shaking, into a mirrored version of his position. Tears continued to fall and her body threatened to fall, but she held strong. Eventually, Raphael slid into another position.

"Ni," he counted.

April mimicked his motion, her body quivering.

Ignorant of their captivated audience, the two transitioned from one position to the other, their movements growing more confident with each pose. Raphael watched, his eyes flickering with uncertain emotions as he watched the tiny girl in front of him move in response to his words. Her eyes were still glassy and her clothes were a wreck, but she wasn't sobbing and with every passing moment, her body grew stronger and more certain.

"San."

"I think it is safe to leave them be," Master Splinter said quietly to his other two sons. "Don't you?"

The other two nodded, equal parts amazed and confused. Splinter closed the shutter again, cutting off Raphael's orders and leaving the two of them alone to their therapy.

Author's Note: There ya go, folks.

Disclaimer: I edited the CPR scene upon some advice from a reviewer. Thank you! It's still pretty vague but really, guys. Don't try any life-saving techniques you read about in fanfics. They're probably old and inaccurate because they were derived from a Career Discovery class in 1999 (cough).