Harry was about to lean in for a kiss when someone tapped his shoulder. Whirling around to give the fellow a piece of his mind, he found himself looking up at a somewhat regretful looking Headmaster Dumbledore.

"Harry, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're going to have to break off your relationship with Miss Weasley." the old man said with a sigh.

"Why sir?" Harry asked, wondering what craptastic new fact he was going to learn today. Seriously, why did nobody mention any of the things he actually needed to know until after some sort of disaster happened?

"Well, you see..."

1975:

"...My mother's been yelling at me like it's my fault it happened. Said that if I'd gone into Slytherin like I was supposed to, that slut wouldn't have dared pull something like that." Sirius Black said as he worked his way through a bag of Bertie Bott's, flicking any disgusting looking ones at Peter who was in the corner trying to read a book.

"So, let me get this straight. If your name is on the birth certificate, it's your baby?" James asked.

"Yes." Sirius growled.

"Even if you've never, well, you know, with the mother?" James asked.

"Yes." Sirius sighed.

August 11, 1981:

"You've been in the maternity ward again, haven't you?"

"Yep. Two boys, and three girls."

"James, I...Screw it! Let's just go home before the parents try to kill us again."

1996:

"Seriously?!" Harry yelled as Ginny backed away from him as if he were on fire.

"Seriously." Dumbledore sighed.

"What about Susan Bones?"

1979:

"Oh God! It's Him! Quick Edgar, get him out of here before...Too Late!"

1996:

"Hannah Abbott?"

1980

"Goddamnit! Get him out of the Maternity ward before he does any damage today."

"Bit too late for that, he got the Abbott and the Rice children."

"How the hell does he keep getting in here?!"

"Not a clue. Not even the Aurors can keep him out, and believe me, they've tried."

1996:

"Parvati Patil?"

1980:

"Look Lils! Twins!"

1996:

"Hermione?"

September 19, 1979:

"I really hope they get that motorcyclist Meghan. A lunatic like that shouldn't be out on the..."

"Hey Lily! Lookit my new baby!"

"JAMES POTTER! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

1996:

"Please tell me Draco isn't my brother..."

June 5, 1980:

"You'll be done soon Mr. Malfoy, I just need you to sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, date here, here, and here, get your wife to sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here and get the father on record to sign here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, over there, and there, and date here, here, here and here."

"I can't believe I have to adopt my own son!"