Babies

"Mira, if you knew how badly I felt right now, you would not be bothering me."

"I'm sorry, Lucy," she said, giggling slightly as she continued to wipe down the bar. "It's just, I'm so curious is all."

At the word curious, Laxus looked over from his end of the bar before rolling his eyes and going back to his whiskey.

"It is kind of interesting, actually," Lisanna said from her seat at the bar next to Lucy. She was facing her and leaned down slightly to stare at the other woman's extended stomach. "It's, like, there's a little Natsu in there."

"There's a scary thought," Cana commented from where she was busy on her second barrel of the day.

Lucy just continued to slump over, resting her head against the cool wood of the bar as Mira stood on the other side, staring at her sympathetically.

"Does it really hurt that badly then?" Mira asked her as she cocked her head to the side. "Because-"

"It's just my back right now," Lucy grumbled as she shut her eyes. Natsu and the others were supposed to be back from their mission sometime that day and she wanted to spend her time waiting at the guildhall. Then she made a face as one of her hands went to cup her stomach. "And the kicking. God, can the baby not just stay still for-"

"Ooh, it's kicking?" Lisanna quickly laid her hand over Lucy's stomach without asking. Not that the blonde mage cared much. She only shook her head slightly.

"It's all so exciting." Mirajane giggled again while Laxus stared straight ahead, trying to pretend like his headphones were completely drowning out the conversation at the other end of the bar. "Don't you think so, sis?"

"Oh, yes," Lisanna said, grinning some more. Lucy only wished that she could have as much enjoyment over the whole thing as the two Strauss sisters.

Cana grunted. "Seems like hell to me. Look at you, Lucy. You can't even sit up. You sure you don't want something to drink?"

She did lift her head to look at Cana for that one, making a face. "I really don't think you get this whole pregnancy thing."

"I meant water," she told her with a frown. "Believe me, I wouldn't be offering to share any of my ale with you even if you weren't pregnant."

"Of course you wouldn't."

"Ooh, it will just be so much fun to have another baby around the guild again," Lisanna exclaimed, unable to contain herself. Mira nodded in agreement.

"You must let us baby-sit for you, Lucy," the older of the two sisters said to which the other nodded ecstatically.

"Oh, yes," Lisanna said. "Whenever you wish. We will always find time. And Elfman will help out too, huh, big brother Elf?"

Elfman only nodded because, before he could throw anything down about real men loving children, Mira was talking again.

"And whenever you go out on missions, we will watch the baby," she went on. "Promise."

"If you want," Lucy said slowly. "But I don't-"

"Oh, we will just love this baby so much," Lisanna gushed. "And who knew that Natsu would ever have a baby? I bet he will be a wonderful father!"

"Considering you guys just basically offered up to raise the kid for us, I doubt he'll have a chance," Lucy mumbled as she finally sat up fully, stretching slightly.

At seven and a half months pregnant, she hadn't been allowed to go on jobs for far too long for her liking. In an attempt to help her out money wise, Mira offered her a chance to work at the guildhall as a barmaid with her and Lisanna. So far all that entailed was Lucy sitting around and complaining about her problems, which is what Mira encouraged her to do. She seemed to just like having someone pregnant around. Mainly so she could bring it up non-stop.

"We just want to help you out, Lucy," Mira told her with a giggle. "We really like taking care of babies. They're just so much fun. And so cute. In fact, I-"

"I need more to drink, Mira," Laxus interrupted, waving his mug in the air. "Quickly."

"Of course, Laxus." She was quick to head over to his end of the bar. When she got to him, she frowned down at his drink. "But you hardly have drank any-"

"Quickly, Mira," he grumbled as he hunched forwards slightly. Then, as not to be overheard, he softly added, "And shut the fuck up about babies for the day, alright? So the Salamander knows where to put it. Why the hell do we all have to hear about it?"

"You're so cute." She reached out with the hand that wasn't hold his mug and ran it through his yellow locks. When she leaned down, he was expecting a kiss. Instead, she whispered against his lips, "Besides, I'm just excited for when it will be our turn."

"Mira-"

"Soon, remember?"

"I never said-"

She only giggled before leaving his mostly full mug behind, heading right back over to Lucy. Lisanna was talking loudly to her again though.

"-hard to sleep at night? If it hurts when the baby moves?"

"I mean, it's not a constant thing," she told her with a sigh. "It's just sometimes, the baby feels like its right up against an organ or something and-"

"Could you imagine how bad it would be if you were pregnant with more than one?" Lisanna looked at her sister then. "If one is so bad?"

Mira grinned wider while Laxus only closed his eyes and prayed to all the higher beings that it was just a phase that she'd grow out of soon. It was his fault anyhow, in a moment of weakness, when he told her that their babies would be the strongest in the guild.

It was actually right after the stupid blonde bimbo and the pink Salamander announced that they were having one that he said it. Honestly, he blamed it on his over eagerness to be the best. That of course sparked something in his little demon, who then thought that he meant that they should get started right away. He had reignited a flame of competitiveness in her at the thought of children. Though, as she told him, it was not with Lucy. Oh no, she wished Natsu and Lucy the best life possible with their little one. Nope, it was Erza that she wanted to beat out in the baby production department.

Oh did Laxus try to explain it to her. That Erza was still all hung up, even years out, on that Jellal guy and there was no way that was ever going to pan out. Mira kept telling him though it only took one time and then, poof, Erza would be pregnant by some man and Mira would be left in the dust.

All those horrible images of Erza not only having sex, but having really sleazy one night stand sex (he bet she had a costume or two for it too) were then implanted in his brain along with what a child that came from her would be like. Annoying. Very, very annoying. God, it was almost as bad as the fact that Natsu had finally figured out how to reproduce.

And now Mira wanted twins? Damn it, Lisanna!

"I don't think it would be too bad," Mira said slowly as she glanced at her boyfriend. Laxus was only trying to think of how he could get out off all of it. He could think of nothing short of breaking it off with her, but that just wasn't an option. Gah! Mira and her damn sexiness.

"Hey, girl!"

Lucy perked up at the sound of Levy coming into the building while Laxus only turned his headphones up louder. As if one idiot wasn't bad enough.

"Levy!" She got up to hug her, but Levy was more concerned with patting her stomach and greeting the child. Ugh. Laxus was in a guild with such losers.

Gajeel, who Levy had come into the guildhall with, only ruffled her hair before heading off to go sit over near Laxus. Though they were in no regards friends, Laxus didn't hate him near as much as he hated everyone else.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked with a slight frown at the expression Laxus was making.

"It's Mira," he grumbled as Lisanna jumped up to wait on Gajeel. "Since the Salamander and his idiot bride got all pregnant, she sudden wants to have a kid too. Before Erza or something."

At that moment, Levy, Mira, and Lucy were all looking down at a book that the first had set down on the bar. Mira seemed most interested in it which only gave Laxus more of a headache. It had to be a pregnancy book. Or a book of names. Or something equally as stupid. God, was he going to have to go out and, like, sterilize himself or something?

…Psst. Of course not. He just had to figure out some way to get Mira off the baby craze. And fast. Because there was no way he was letting his life be hampered by some stupid, annoying brat that a) he wouldn't want and b) would only ruin his relationship (not to mention Mira's body, but he was thinking of springing that reason on her as a last resort).

Plus, the most important fact was that he had no parental skills. At all. Seriously. He couldn't even take the damn flying cats that all the stupid dragon slayers had. Especially that damn blue one. With all it's talking and walking and…being human like. That's exactly what a baby would be!

Why didn't Mira just see that he wasn't cut out to be a dad? At all? She was totally being selfish.

…But if she asked him a few more times, he knew he would eventually cave. And that was the worst part of all.

Gajeel started laughing then as Laxus hunkered down even more. Only he could face the worst villains in the world, but still be fearful of possibly having a kid. Especially one with Mira. The little fucking demon.

"It's not funny, Gajeel," Laxus grumbled. "Seriously."

"It is," he insisted. "Especially considering my woman is the farthest from yours there is. What sort of woman would want to get pregnant just because-"

"You're talking about Levy, right?" Lisanna was standing in front of Gajeel then, waiting for him to tell her what he wanted to drink.

"That's my woman, yeah. What about it?"

She cocked her head to the side. "It's just, well, she's looking at that book pretty hard too."

"And? It's just a book of names and their meanings. She brought it for Natsu's chick. Now bring me-"

"That's not what they're looking at." Lisanna giggled into her palm while Laxus looked up finally.

"What's so funny?" he grumbled. "Lisanna?"

"That's just not what they're reading," she told him with a shrug. "She might have a book with those, but-"

"What are they reading then?" Gajeel sat up taller, craning his neck to see. "Huh?"

"It's a book on fertility. To figure out when you're fertile and how-"

"What?" Gajeel jumped up at that. "The blonde one wouldn't need that sort of book."

"Well, of course not. Levy brought it so that she and Mirajane could-"

"Levy!" Suddenly, Gajeel was over on the other side of the bar while Laxus only groaned before dropping his head back to the cool wood, right next to his sweating mug.

"Don't look so defeated, Laxus." Lisanna giggled as she patted him on the head. He only allowed it because he was too weak to fight back against anything at that moment. "Mira and I won't even need you after you get her pregnant."

"Mmmm?"

"Yeah. I'd be the best aunt ever and she'd be the best mother. You'd just kind of, well, be there."

That didn't make him feel any better. At all. That almost made him sound like a breeder or something. Gah!

Just when he was about to get up and walk out the door to clear his head, someone landed in the seat next to him again. When he opened his eyes, he found it was Mira, who only smiled brightly at him.

"Guess what Levy gave me, Laxus."

He closed his eyes again. "I don't wanna."

Giggling, she leaned over him so that she could whisper in his ear. "If it's a boy, you can name him."

Grunt.

"Laxus," she complained then. "You're being really rude."

Grunt.

Then, to add to his misery, Team Natsu returned then, much to the enjoyment of Lucy and Lisanna alike.

"I'm gonna go home, Mira," Laxus sighed as he stood. He could take a lot of things, but Mira being baby crazy and the pink haired mage with his stupid pregnant chick? No thank you. And Gajeel was downright upset at that point with Levy while she adamantly told him that she only brought the book for Mirajane's usage. Laxus wasn't sure what was worse, the thought of Gajeel having a spawn or Natsu.

He decided Erza was still the worst as he headed home. Most definitely.

It wasn't until it was home, sleeping peacefully in its bed, that Laxus decided that it hadn't been a horrible idea.

"Laxus, can't he sleep in bed with us? Please?"

"Nah, Mira," he said softly, not wanting to awaken him. He just stood there, staring down at it as she made these overly emotional girl expressions. She was always overly emotional though. "We might crush him, you know? I think that it's best to teach him to sleep in his own bed."

"So early?"

"Yeah," he said with a sigh before turning to leave the living room, where it's little bed was. "Fill its water dish though, before we go to bed, huh? And it's food? Then in the morning we can take him for his first walk, alright?"

"Okay, Laxus," she said, though she didn't move from her spot on the ground next to the little puppy's bed. She just sat on her knees, staring down at her new pet with pure, unadulterated love. "Love you."

"Love you too," he mumbled softly as he headed off to his bedroom. There was only one way to get a woman off having a baby and that was, well, to get her a baby. But no one said anything about it being a human baby! "But I think I'mma love this dog more."

I was going to go to bed early tonight. And then this happened. And it's now four a.m. I regret nothing.