Catacombs and Kunoichi

A Naruto crackfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: T+, for mature/immature language

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Team 7, Itachi; [N/A]

Summary: A parody set in the world of a tabletop RPG where Sasuke is an egocentric munchkin, Naruto is an overzealous roleplayer, and Itachi is the GM who has to put up with their antics.

"..."

"..."

"...huh. A natural twenty."

"Well. Alright then."

You set your trap with no trouble. Opening the door slightly ajar, you prop a chalkboard eraser just on top of it. It is a simple trap, one that no self-respecting ninja would ever really fall for.

Nonetheless, feeling satisfied with yourself, you step back to appraise your work. Sakura eyes the set up of the prank with disapproval, but you can see just the slightest glint of eagerness in her eyes.

"You better not start horning in on my fangirl, Nick," Sasuke mutters, giving Naruto a dark look.

"I won't, I won't," Naruto says in a dismissively reassuring fashion.

A few more minutes pass as you wait for your new teacher to arrive. Soon enough the door opens, and the eraser comes free from its precarious perch. It falls straight for the head of your team captain.

Despite easily being skilled enough to detect and avoid this laughably simple trap, your instructor decides to humor you and let the eraser hit him, secure in the knowledge that by this time tomorrow he will have all three of you broken and begging for mercy.

"Wait, what?" says Sasuke, looking suddenly very anxious.

In spite of the dark navy mask covering his nose and mouth, and the headband slanted over his left eye, you get the distinct impression that the man is smiling – perhaps imagining the three of you on your hands and knees, sobbing – as he strokes his chin and laughs.

Looking each of you in the eye in turn, he says, "Hmm... how shall I put this? Based on my first impression, I'd have to say..."

He pauses for a second, dragging the moment out for dramatic effect. He's still smiling at you with his one visible eye. Finishing up, he cheerfully concludes:

"...I hate you!"

Sasuke gives Naruto a black look. His left eye twitches.

"Goddammit, Nick."

Following that little incident, your new instructor leads the three of you out of the classroom. You follow him outside to the roof of the academy, where he sits down on the railing across from you.

"I check the roof for traps," says Sasuke, glancing nervously around the area.

...you're still at the academy, Sean.

"Yeah, so?" he says. "I seem to recall a certain campaign where you had us ambushed by an army of gelatinous cubes in the first session. We hadn't even left the inn, yet!"

...

...yes, well. As I was saying, your instructor sits down on the railing and looks at the three of you sitting on the steps.

"Now, I'd like you all to tell us a little bit about yourselves," he says.

"Like what?" Sakura asks, ever the inquisitive one.

"...you know," he says with a dismissive shrug. "The usual. Your favorite thing... what you hate most... dreams, ambitions, hobbies. Things like that."

"What? Are we seriously doing this right now?" says Sasuke, looking exasperated.

"This is important stuff, Sasuke," Naruto says, grinning at his teammate.

Sasuke gives Naruto a dark look.

"What'd you just call me, Sean?" he glowers.

"Sasuke. That's your guy's name, Sean." Naruto replies. "I'm trying to help you get into character, man!"

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

"Whatever."

"Help us out here, master," says Sakura, reminding the two of you of the present situation. "How about you go first and show us how it's done? After all, you're a complete stranger to us... a mystery."

Your new team leader yawns, looking blandly at Sakura.

"Oh... me?" he says. "My name is Kakashi Hatake. I'm the kind of person who doesn't feel like talking about his likes and dislikes."

He pauses, looking mildly thoughtful.

"My dreams for the future are none of your business..." he adds. "But anyways, I have lots of hobbies..."

He trails off, and Sakura turns to look at the two of you, a faintly exasperated look on her face.

"Hey..." she mutters, frowning irritably. "He said a lot... but all we really learned was his name."

"That sneaky sonuvabitch," Sasuke mutters, narrowing his eyes. "He's up to something, isn't he? I roll to sense motive."

[A die clatters on the table.]

Beat.

Sasuke looks sheepish.

"...okay, uh, that was just a practice throw," he says. "This one's for real!"

He's a jounin, Sean. Elite of the elite. Even if he WAS up to something, a fresh academy graduate like you wouldn't be able to detect a thing.

Sasuke scowls.

"Oh, that is bullshit," he mutters. "I knew I should've invested more points into wisdom..."

Kakashi speaks again, interrupting your mutterings.

"Now, it's your turn," he says, pointing to Naruto. "Starting with you on the right."

Naruto grins.

"Me, right?!" he says cheerfully. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto!"

"Wait," Sasuke mutters, confused. "I thought your character's name was... uh..." He glances at Naruto's character sheet. "...Narr-yoo-toh Uh-zuh-macky...?"

"Our characters are ninja," Nick replies out of character. "In Japan it's customary to list the family name first."

Back in character, he continues:

"What I like is instant cup ramen! What I like even better is when Iruka-sensei treats me to ramen at the Ichiraku noodle bar!" Pausing, he frowns, and adds, "What I hate most is the three minutes it takes for my ramen to cook."

["Jesus, Nick. Just because you live off the stuff..."

"It's cheap, okay? I figure it's something an orphan like my character would be able to afford without any trouble..."]

"And my dream is to one day..." Naruto continues. "...become hokage and surpass everyone who's come before me! Then everyone will HAVE to acknowledge me!"

A pause.

"My hobbies are... pranks and practical jokes, I guess."

Kakashi looks exasperated when he says, "Next."

Sasuke stares blankly at nothing for three seconds.

"Uh, do I have to do this bit in character?" he asks.

Yes, if you would be so kind.

He glowers, muttering about unfair game masters and stupid roleplayers.

"Okay... uh, my name is..." Shuffling papers. "...Sass-yook Utchy-huh... but you can call me 'The Sauce'. I like ale and whores—"

"—what part of Japanese setting do you not understand?" Naruto mutters. "If you have to, at least say it like 'sake and geisha', or something."

Also, must I remind you that your characters are only twelve?

"—alcoholic beverages and cheap prostitutes," Sasuke says stubbornly. "Also, loot. I dislike roleplayers and finicky skin-flint GMs. I don't have any dreams, but I do have a goal: to become the most badass mofo in the world, conquer a couple nations, acquire a metric shit-ton of riches, and have loads of kinky sex with all of my hot ninja groupies."

... ... ...er.

Um.

What about your brother, Sean?

"Eh? I'm an only child, dude."

"I think he means your character's brother, Sasuke."

"Oh, right. Sure," Sasuke says with a shrug. "I guess I can ice that Itchy scrub somewhere along the way, too. Y'know, if I can find time in between kicking ass and banging my harem."

...fine. I suppose that's the best I'm gonna get out of you.

"And finally," Kakashi says, pointing at Sakura. "The young lady."

Sasuke raises his hand.

"Yo, Isaac," he says. "You mind if I do her here?"

Only if you mean you want to roleplay her answer. You are on the roof of a school, I might remind you, and – again – only twelve.

An awkward silence enues.

"...sure. That's exactly what I meant," Sasuke says, looking shifty-eyed.

[Clearing his throat, Sean proceeds to do a very poor and unflattering imitation of a female voice.]

"I am Sackerra Har-ara-noo. My favorite thing is... well, it's not a thing, it's a person. A boy... and that boy is... uh, well, let's move on to my dream. Teehee!"

She blushes and lets out an ear-piercing squeal.

A beat.

Her expression hardens, and she says, "I hate... Narr-yoo-toh!"

"That's Naruto," Naruto blandly corrects her.

"Yeah, him," she says. "Whatever."

Kakashi sighs.

"Enough," he says, shaking his head. "I believe we all understand one another. Formal training begins tomorrow."

"Dude, Isaac, are you sulking?" Sasuke says incredulously.

["Am not."]

Naruto perks up, however and salutes eagerly.

"Yes, sir! What will our duties be?! Boy, oh, boy! Our first real shinobi mission!"

Kakashi crosses his arms, and the faintest ghost of a smirk crinkles his eye.

"Our first project involves only the members of this cell," he tells you.

"What is it? WHAT?" Naruto asks eagerly, rocking back and forth in place.

"Survival exercises."

"Survival?" says Sasuke, his eyes gleaming. "That means danger, and danger means LOOT! Oh, man, I am SO there!"

Kakashi gives you a wry look.

"Oh," he says, "but you'll have to survive... against me. This won't be your typical practice."

"...that sounds ominous," Naruto whispers.

Sasuke gave a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Bah, it'll be a gimme," he says. "As long as you don't mess up my groove."

Kakashi laughs.

"I'll give the three of you one night to rest up and prepare. Bring all of your ninja tools and weapons." His eye glints with sadistic amusement. "Oh, and also... don't bother eating breakfast. Not unless you want to taste it again on the way back up!"

With that final warning, he vanishes, leaving the three of you to prepare.

Okay, now. I think that's enough to warrant a little break.

Who wants pizza?

"As long as I'm not the one paying," says Nick.

"I'll have extra cheese on mine," Sean adds. "Also, I paid last time."

...

Cheapskates.

A/N: Sean/Sasuke's dialogue is some of the more enjoyable to write in this... mostly because he just has NO FILTER when it comes to gaming. Nick/Naruto is a much more dedicated roleplayer, so half of the stuff he says is in-character, and thus nothing terribly new.

I based most of the IC dialogue in this on the official English translation of the manga, though I took a lot of liberties in trimming the expositional fat near the end of the chapter...

Updated: 11-18-14

TTFN and R&R!

– — ❤