And thus, Eku finally got off his ass and wrote the next chapter, much to Serendipity's rejoicing.

How Sasuke Uchiha Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mangekyo Sharingan

Chapter 2: Genocide for the Greater Good

Sasuke awoke to a splitting headache.

After a moment of blinking his eyes blearily, trying to remember why the world around him looked so unreal, the headache started to fa-

'Nope! Just kidding!' it exulted, once more cracking his skull open like a walnut. Sasuke groaned and grabbed his head, rolling over in the bed.

Wait. Bed?

"Huhuhuhuhuhuhu…" someone laughed from the corner of the room. "So you have awakened at last… Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke had a distinct impression that whoever was speaking was trying his very hardest to sound mysterious and intelligent. Unfortunately, the fact that his voice had the sort of pitch one would normally expect from the cough of a cat dying from several venereal diseases somewhat ruined the effect.

"I am certain that you have many questions, my young compar... comp... compartynet…"

The voice's stutter died off. A moment later, Sasuke heard a whispered question which carried through the silent room like a shout.

"Hey, how do I pronounce this word?"

A long-suffering sigh, and then a whispered response from a second voice. This was the voice that could have managed the deep, menacing laugh: it oozed confidence. Sasuke's hair perked up at the sound of it. "Compatriot, Obito. Com-pay-tree-ut. This is why you should have let me handle the introductions."

"But you always get to do the introductions! It's not fair!" the first voice whined loudly.

"Hush!" the second voice half-yelled. "Do you want him to hear us?"

"Don't worry!" 'Obito' responded, just as loudly as before. "See? Our compar… comp… comDanzo- amigo hasn't noticed ye…" his voice trailed off. "Sasuke-kun, what are you doing?"

Sasuke looked up, fixing the masked idiot in front of him with the full force of his "Just on the verge of making you have a very bad day"-avenger look.

"I'm trying to find a knife," Sasuke said. "I need to kill myself, then I need to kill Itachi again." He pulled himself up. Then, I'm going to burn his corpse to ashes. Then I'm going to piss on those ashes. And then I will take those pissed-upon ashes and-"

"Okay, okay, okay!" Tobi quickly cut off the incredibly handsome young avenger's diatribe. "I get it, I get it!" Sasuke heard him shuffle his feet. "I mean, probably a little teeny bit excessive, but I get it. Still, though," Tobi asked, "won't you listen to what we -(Ow! Sorry, sorry, you're not supposed to be here. I forgot!)- I have to say first?"

"What you have to say? And just who are you anyways, Obito?"

"O-Obito?" The masked man seemed genuinely shocked at that. "A-Ahahaha. I'm not Obito! Never heard of an Obito Uchiha in my entire life!"

Sasuke blinked. Slowly. Normally, that would be impossible, but Sasuke was a genius, and if he wanted to blink slowly, then he would damn well blink slowly. "You're an Uchiha?"

"How did you know that?" the masked man shrieked. Sasuke winced as his headache suddenly returned. "Could it be that… that you are already aware of my secret identity?"

Sasuke gave the idiot a taste of his "Why are you such an idiot?"-avenger look. "Yes. You are Obito Uchiha."

"Ha!" the man crowed. "A good guess, but no, I am not Obito, manliest of Uchiha, seducer of women, future Hokage of Konoha, hero of the Third World War, protector of innocents, punisher of the unju-"

Sasuke tuned the man out and started padding around for a knife again. He'd had over seventy before he'd passed out. Obito couldn't have removed all of them.

"- and strongest shinobi in the world! No, in fact, I am Madara Uchiha!"

Sasuke looked up. "No you aren't."

"Yes I am!" the man cried out petulantly.

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are not."

"Am too!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Good to know." Sasuke couldn't find a knife. Maybe he could just strangle himself?

"Hey, wait!" The masked man stomped his foot. "Prove that I'm not Madara, you big stupid jerk! Don't use cheap tricks!"

Sasuke tilted his head, then spoke very slowly, as if dealing with a particularly dull child.

"Madara," Sasuke said, "would never have cut his hair."

Obito, the one Uchiha with the worst hair that Sasuke had ever seen, froze, as if he had suddenly turned to glass. Sasuke fancied that he could observe tiny shards of the man breaking off, along with little things like his self-esteem and the very meaning of his existence.

"I told you you should have let me handle this!" the second voice called out from the shadows once again.

"I concur," Sasuke muttered, finally getting out of the bed. Worst case, he'd have to tie up the bedsheets to create a noose to hang himself with, though that might get messy. Was there even anything here high enough to hang from?

Obito seemed to sag, falling to the floor once again, massive tears leaking from the lone hole in his mask to plop against the floor.

Sasuke sighed, waiting for the man to pull himself together.

Obito kept weeping.

Sasuke kept waiting.

Obito kept weeping.

Sasuke kept-

"Okay, seriously?" Sasuke snapped. "It's been thirty minutes! Can you stop now?"

Obito looked up, and his mask somehow seemed to twist into an expression of the deepest self-pity.

Sasuke sighed. "Didn't you have something you wanted to tell me?" the avenger asked, resigning himself to having to deal with the idiot's enthusiasm. At least it would be better than his crying.

Obito seemed to brighten up immediately. "Well, you see," he said, leaping to his feet and leveling a finger at Sasuke.

"The whole world is a lie, but of course, you already knew that, and the Uchiha were all heroes, and they wanted to rebel against Konoha to start off a world war that would destroy most of humanity and they were about to fail, but then Itachi went to Danzo and he was like 'loyalty!' and Danzo was like 'kill the Uchiha because I want a fancier arm!' and Itachi was like 'sure why not,' and then he killed all the Uchiha except for you and so he was actually the greatest hero the Leaf ever produced and he came to work for me and he joined Akatsuki and we decided to work together to try and kill everyone on the planet and then he got sick and then he was like 'whatever this is stupid' and then I was like 'but I need you!' and he was like 'I'll make Sasuke do it for me' and I was like 'okay' and now you're here and oh my god we're going to have so much fun together!"

Obito had not even paused for a single breath during that sentence. Sasuke nodded his head slowly.

"That makes perfect sense," he said. Especially the part about all the Uchiha being heroes.

Slowly putting the finishing touches on his blanket-noose, Sasuke started looking around for a hook of some sort to hang it from the ceiling. After that…

"Er… Sasuke-kun? What are you doing?"

Sasuke shot him his "Goddammit, I already listened to your stupid speech, what more do you want from me?"-avenger look.

(In case you hadn't noticed yet, Sasuke was capable of giving some very expressive looks.)

"Well, there don't seem to be any knives around here, so I think I'll just hang myself instead."

"What? No! You can't do tha-"

He was cut off by the second voice, which somehow grew huskier, more manly, more heroic, even as it spoke.

"I see, my young friend. You have grown tired of your life in this broken world, and so, you seek a release." Against his will, Sasuke felt his attention drawn to the corner of the room where he knew the second voice hid. "Fear not, Sasuke Uchiha, for your wish shall be granted! Rise, Samsara Squad: The Six Paths of Pain!"

"Naraka!"

"Preta!"

"Animal!"

"Human!"

"Asura!"

"Deva!"

Six forms, each of them exuding an aura of pure manliness, leapt from the shadows, each striking a truly fabulous pose as they landed. Sasuke sucked in a breath, instinctively knowing he was in the presence of something unlike anything else in the world.

A series of explosive tags went off behind the Paths of Pain, backlighting them against a glorious detonation that blew their hair around in an artful manner and made their robes ripple dramatically. The roof was next to go, vanishing in a sudden fireball and allowing sunlight to stream in. A blue angel descended on the lone beam of light, her paper wings held out behind her, fully spread, and a victorious, mirthful grin stretching her face. Streams of paper danced around her, creating intricate patterns of shadows on the floor that told tales of great battles won, and never lost. In her hands, she held a pair of paper pom-poms, both of which spoke of wisdom won from years of conflict.

"Go, Samsara Squad!" she cheered. "You can kill all of the humans!"

Sasuke and Obito reflexively clapped.

And clapped.

And clapped.

An-

"Stop! Stop clapping! You know how hard it is to hold these poses for so long?"

Sasuke and Obito stopped. Obito wiped a tear away with one hand. Deva seemed to blink, then coughed.

"That aside, my young friend, I see that you, like me, are unsatisfied with this world." Sasuke nodded his head in affirmation.

Deva stepped forward and spread his hands expansively. "Well then, allow me to propose that you aid me and…" he turned over with a grimace to Obito, then continued after a short cough, "Madara, in our plan to wipe out humanity!"

Sasuke blinked. "But I don't care about killing everyone. I just want to murder Itachi again."

Deva was already chuckling lightly and waving his finger at Sasuke. "Come now, my young friend. You were only able to defeat Itachi last time by a fluke! And with such a dishonorable move to boot! You will not fare so well the next time. Think about it! He might make you," Deva shuddered, "eat more onigiri. Could you truly deal with the humiliation, the outrage, once more? Can you truly call yourself a grown man if your brother continues to feed you like a small child, even now?! Think, my young friend!"

Sasuke frowned. Deva made a good point. How could he call himself a grown man if that was the case?

"What do you propose?" he asked the font of wisdom before him.

"It is simple!" Deva's voice boomed. "Aid us in destroying humanity, in freeing everyone from this illusion! Then, everyone will be so grateful to you that they will help you kill your brother!"

Sasuke frowned. It seemed like a good proposal, at first glance. But…

"How would we go about doing this, then?" he asked. Killing everyone on the planet did seem like it would be a bit… difficult, after all.

"It is simple!" Deva roared. "With our power, combined with the power of the bijuu, we will create a weapon. A weapon the likes of which the world cannot even dream. A weapon that will level not just villages, or cities, but entire nations." The Deva Path stepped forward, bringing his arms up like a man at prayer, before clenching his fists with the kind of purpose that could crush stars. "And then-"

"What? No!" Obito cried suddenly. "Pain! I told you about this! We can't kill them ourselves! We have to use the Infinite Tsukuyomi!"

"But it would be so much easier just to murder them all directly!" Deva declared. "Why do you insist we go about it in such a roundabout manner, Obito? With that power-"

Sasuke frowned. For a moment there, it seemed like the Deva Path's voice had been coming from two separate places at once. One from the body in front of him, and one from behind a conveniently-placed curtain at the edge of the room.

"Because!" Obito cried. "Otherwise, they'll just hate us for killing them after they wake up! We need to make them understand each other!"

"... by brainwashing them all into killing themselves." There it was again, the whispered echo of the Deva Path's magnificent voice. Sasuke moved closer to the curtain.

"Exactly!" Obito crowed. "That way, they'll understand!"

"Obito, that plan is-" Suddenly, Pain seemed to notice Sasuke near the curtain. His eyes went wide, and he stepped forward, his hand outstretched dramatically. "Wait, no! Sasuke! Pay no attention to that cur-"

But it was already too late. Sasuke reached over and tore aside the curtain.

To reveal an emaciated, broken man, spikes stuck into his back, his entire body held up by some sort of strange, throne-like contraption.

"Nooooo!" the man screeched, reeling back from the sudden light. Stick-thin arms came up out of cavities in the throne, desperately trying to shield his visible ribs and utterly pale, flabby chest. "Don't look at me! I'm hideous!"

Sasuke blinked.

"Why did you do this?" the man cried again "What did I ever do to you? I just wanted to be pretty again!"

Konan swept forward, her wings tearing themselves away from her back. The sheets of paper flitted around Sasuke and formed a wall between him and the emaciated man. Everything but the redhead's gaunt head vanished from the Uchiha's sight.

"Nagato is very sensitive!" Konan snapped. "He was never the same after his legs were blown off!" She sniffed. "They were the tannest things in all of Rain Country…"

Sasuke, nonplussed, looked at the sudden wall, then at the Samsara Squad, then back again. "So he made…" He turned and peered closer at the Paths for a moment, and then nodded, his suspicions confirmed. "Walking corpses."

"Is that so wrong!?" Nagato croaked.

There was the sudden sound of a torrent of water striking the ground. Sasuke glanced back to see that it had started raining.

Obito, who was still standing under the hole in the ceiling created by the Samsara Squad's entrance, had been completely soaked.

Oh. And he had started crying.

Sasuke looked back at the emaciated man, and sighed.

"You still haven't convinced me to join you."

A short pause, then…

Pain eyed Sasuke coyly, his strange purple eyes narrowing. His lip curled back into a mean smile, revealing his perfect teeth.

"You could almost certainly get every single person in the world to help you with peeing on Itachi's ashes," he said casually.

Sasuke blinked. An image crowded his mind. An image of Itachi's ashes covered in a veritable sea of piss.

He grinned.

"What's the plan?"