I Hate Americans

Treize Khushrenada verily stormed into his private suite, his fists clenching and unclenching as though his fingers ached to wrap themselves around a certain braided idiot's throat.  He had just received a report and supporting photos that showed all of the Leos at the base had been the target of rather talented graffiti that clearly stated improbable commentary about his lineage.  Though he didn't need to see the final picture in the stack to know who was responsible, he glared at it anyways.  Grinning back at him was Duo Maxwell, flashing a paint-smeared victory sign at the camera from between his legs, where he was presenting the security camera a clear shot of his bared posterior.

Scowling, he stalked into his small office, looking up from the picture as a flash of movement caught his eye from near the window.  A muffled giggle and the tail end of a long chestnut braid reached him even as the intruder vanished into the night.  A muscle in Treize's cheek twitched.  Growling vile obscenities under his breath unfitting his education, he slapped the report in his hands onto the nearest desk and glared out the window, knowing full well that it was far too late to bother calling security.  Duo was long gone.  Treize's eyes flickered around his office, checking for pitfalls, hidden tripwires and tacks in his chair.  The screen of his computer caught his gaze and he groaned loudly.

Checking his chair for any signs of disassembly or cherry bombs, he gingerly sat in front of his computer and typed a few short commands.  Nothing happened.  Trying not to grind his teeth, he took his mouse in hand and quickly froze.  The pointer moved in a different direction from the one he had pulled the mouse.  Left was right and up was down.  Beginning to realize what had happened, he pecked a random key on the keyboard, watching as one of his icons lit up.  He tried to move across the icons with the arrows, but for the first few strokes nothing happened.  On the fourth stroke, a different icon was highlighted.  The tick in Treize's cheek got worse.  The mouse moved in the wrong direction and the keys were set to randomly select a character every time something was pressed.  He didn't need to check to know that the buttons on his mouse were in a similar state of disarray.

"Sir?"

Treize growled at the familiar voice, and spun quickly in his chair, ready to tear Zechs in two for walking in unannounced.  His anger died when he took in the state of the furious man.  Dripping wet and wearing only a towel around his waist, Zechs looked precisely as Treize had a moment ago, pissed beyond reason.  Despite himself, Treize's lips twitched towards a smile at the reason.  Zechs's hair was bright BLUE.  Treize took a deep breath and tried to steady himself.  He was certain that if he laughed, he'd be sporting a black eye at the very least.

"He put hair dye in the shampoo, didn't he?" Treize managed to say somewhat calmly.  He bit his tongue as he struggled not to smirk.

"Only in some of the bottles," Zechs growled darkly.  "The rest had a very potent hair remover.  He also threw paint balls into the laundry, so most of the uniforms on base are neon pink.  As for myself, he… cut the seats out of all of my boxers and pants while I was in the shower."  He stopped there, his cheeks pinking slightly as he looked away, growling something under his breath that Treize couldn't make out.  He was sure it wasn't complementary.

The boy gets around, doesn't he? Treize thought darkly.  Let's see.  It's been about five minutes since he left my office, so that means that another report should be coming in any minute now.  I wonder what part of the base he got to this time.

A knock on the door interrupted his train of thought.  Sighing, he buzzed in whoever was outside, already knowing that it had something to do with the black-clad plague.  Noin walked in with a strained look and a folder in her hands.  Silently, she held out another report, the edges of pictures peeking out of the edge of the very thick pile of sheets.  Sighing, Treize flipped to the first page and choked.

"What is it this time?" Zechs asked wearily, carefully watching Noin out of the corner of his eye.  The first person to laugh was going to die a slow painful death.

"He painted Tallgeese," Treize muttered, leaning back slightly in his chair.  He wasn't sure whether to send a squad of assassins after a certain pilot or laugh himself sick at the latest prank the spastic youth had inflicted on them.

"What's shocking about that?" Zechs asked, trying to peer over his shoulder at the report.  His eyes widened at the pictures.  Tallgeese had been painted, all right.  Now the machine was anatomically correct, down to the rendition of every curly hair.  He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.  "I'm not flying that until it's been repainted."

"Noin, send out a memo to everyone on base.  There's to be a large reward for anyone who can find a way to get Duo Maxwell out of our hair," Treize muttered.  "I'll be in the staff room in the North Wing."

"Right away, sir," Noin said crisply, turning on her heel and walking stiffly out of the room.  Treize watched her go with a strange look on his face.

"Did Duo…"

"He moved the security cameras into the women's showers and sent live feeds all over base," Zechs offered.  "She was in the showers at the time."

"Ah," Treize offered intelligently.  He shifted slightly in his seat, a blank look appearing on his features.

"Something wrong, sir?"

"Tell Noin to inform those present that I may be late to the meeting."

"Why is that?"

"It would appear that I've been superglued to my chair."

*     *     *

After carefully cutting off both his tailored pants and silk boxers, Treize stalked towards the North Wing staff room.  He fumed silently as he stormed the halls, almost going into convulsive fits of anger when a herd of small rodents tore through the halls and disappeared into various rooms and cracks in the wall.  He paused, forcibly reminding himself that he would not scream.  Managing to get his temper under control, he resumed his trek towards the hopefully useful meeting.  Rounding a corner found him face to face with a very pissed rutting elk.  Blanching, he quickly retreated from the direction he had come from, barely managing to slam a set of fire doors shut before a set of antlers found his kidneys.  He cursed again, wondering where in the seven hells Duo had found an elk in this region.  Maxwell was going to pay dearly.

Thank god he didn't find a full grown African elephant, he thought sourly.  He grumbled again, thankful he hadn't said the bit about the elephant out loud.  No telling what cameras the boy had tapped into or planted.  Probably all of the ones on base plus a few extras in strategic locations and he most certainly didn't want to give the manic pilot any ideas.

Treize nearly went deaf when the speakers all over the base were suddenly activated.  He yelped in pain and covered his ears as the refrain of possibly the most annoying song in existence blared at over 300 decibels.

EVERYBODY, GET ON THE FLOOR, LET'S DANCE!

DON'T FIGHT THE FEELING, GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE!

"Oh God no," he muttered, still trying to cover his ears as he verily sprinted to the meeting he had called.

SHAKE-SHAKE-SHAKE!   SHAKE-SHAKE-SHAKE!

SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!  SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!

"Make it stop," he whined to himself.

Staggering into the staff room, he found himself faced with seven hogtied scientists, each of them sporting a multicolored Mohawk.  Growling curses that were drowned out by the music, he began untying the men who immediately plugged their ears once freed.  One of them yelled something at him, but he couldn't hear it over the music.  Irritated beyond imagination, he settled on trying to read the man's lips.

"Let's go somewhere off base where it's safe to talk."

Nodding at the mouthed suggestion, he finished untying the last man and started for the door.  The scientists trailed behind him as he flung the doors open.  They were immediately greeted by a grinning maniac with a paintball gun.  A volley of neon orange paintballs flew at them with unerring accuracy, leaving behind glow-in-the-dark splotches and underlying bruises.  Before Treize could take a single step towards the cackling menace with earplugs, the boy was once again gone.

Nearly screaming in rage, Treize gave chase.  He ducked into a side corridor after the braided madman, managing to make out one screamed word as the pilot leapt into the ventilation system and disappeared again amid roaring laughter.

"Jumanji!!!"

Treize glared after him, disconcerted by the familiarity of the word.  Where had he heard the term 'Jumanji' before?  Something told him that it was vitally important that he remember.  He twisted his face up in concentration when a vague recollection of an ancient movie from the late twentieth century came to mind.  It had something to do with a game… and animals.  His eyes widened in horror when the floor began to tremble.

Frightened by the noise of the blaring music, if it could be called that, a herd of rather large animals rounded the corner in a clear stampede.  A single inane thought appeared in Treize's mind.

Well, there's the elephant.

Treize barely had the sense of mind to flatten himself against the wall as the herd thundered past him.  Besides the elephant, he saw two zebras, a small pack of mountain goats, a young rhino and that blasted rutting elk that had attacked him only minutes ago.  He was sorely tempted to kick it as it went by, deciding against it for the sake of his health.  He rather liked his ribs.

Suddenly, he wondered if he had gone deaf.  The blaring refrain of the song he had been listening to on a loop for a long time no longer rang in his ears.  He decided he wasn't deaf when he could hear the retreating sounds of the stampede from a few halls down.  He sighed in relief and slumped against a wall.  It was about time someone fixed the rewiring of the intercom system anyway.  He swiveled his head to glare daggers at the last place he had seen the young maniac.

He was so busy glowering at the ventilation shaft Duo had disappeared into that he almost didn't hear the fiendish giggling in time.  Spinning, he pulled a gun out of the waist of his slacks and took aim at the corridor where the laughter was coming from.  He was watching that direction so intently that he didn't hear anyone approach him from behind until it was too late.  Slender hands snagged the hem of his shirt and wrenched it upwards, trapping his arms and head in the material and blinding him.  Cursing loudly, he tried to turn to face the maniac, only to find that somehow his shoelaces had been tied together.  He went down face first, yelping indignantly when his boxers were firmly snagged and yanked towards his skull.  Howling laughter retreated down the hall.

Ready to scream in frustration, Treize staggered to his feet unsteadily, tugging his shirt back down to free his arms.  He slipped his gun in his pocket to free his hands, irritably pulling his boxers from his lower ribs to his hips, wincing as he noted he would probably be walking funny for a little while after that particular wedgie.  Duo didn't know his own strength.

He was about to reach for his knotted laces when a water balloon filled with vegetable oil ruptured on his head.  A tick went of wildly in both his eye and cheek, looking strangely like a seizure.  Struggling to keep from having a nervous breakdown, he reached again for his laces, pausing when he saw that they had not been knotted.  They had been melted together.  Growling, he pulled his shoes off.

How the hell does he do that?  Trained terrorist or not, this is ridiculous, he thought darkly.  What next?  The mobile suits were decorated with various designs and general graffiti, the computers were unusable, the better part of a zoo had been released indoors, the intercom had barely stopped blaring 'Shake Your Booty' at deafening levels and most of the officers at the base had been terrorized at least once.  What else could he possibly do in one night?

Rapidly approaching footsteps sounded from the direction Duo had disappeared and Treize raised his gun.  This was going to end now.  He barely pulled his shot when Zechs flew around the corner, his towel gone.  Following close behind him was Duo, wet towel in hand, snapping at the man with horrifying accuracy.  Judging by the array of red welts covering the former-blonde's backside, he had gotten in a few really good shots.  Belatedly, he raised his gun again, pulling his shot a second time when a wet towel smacked into his face and arm at the same time, fouling his shot and blinding him for the second time in so many minutes.  Cackling laughter disappeared into the ventilation system once more.

"I'm glad I found you," Zechs wheezed.  "He's been at that for ten minutes."

Treize froze.  "Ten minutes?"

"Yes sir.  I couldn't outrun him and every effort I made to fight him didn't turn out very well," he muttered, brandishing one arm covered in tic-tac-toe games.  Zechs paused when he saw the blank look on Treize's face.  "What is it?"

Treize shook his head.  He must have lost track of how long he had been standing there.  "Nothing.  He just gets around.  Let's just hope he leaves soon."

"Sir?"

Both men turned towards the source of the new voice, Zechs belatedly covering himself with the towel Duo had thrown at Treize and hiding behind the general, blushing madly.  Lady Une raised one eyebrow bemusedly before continuing.

"I've just been informed that Duo has been seen hotwiring a Leo."

"Finally," Treize muttered, leaning against the wall in relief.  "I thought he'd never leave."  Zechs squeaked as his cover moved and darted down the hall towards his private quarters, accidentally flashing Lady Une as he escaped.  She smirked.

"There's more, sir."

"What is it?"

"He didn't escape in a Leo."

Treize raised his head slowly, eyes narrowing.  "Then what did he escape in?"

"Ten Leos."

To Be Continued…

BTW people… I want commentary!  No commentary, no story.  This was just a teaser I posted because I'm mean.