Disclaimer: All Marvels. The characters I mean. I believe I have made a few improvements.

WARNING: This is a sillyfic. Feedback welcome. Some racy stuff at the end I tells ya!

Italics thought/telepathy

actions

the author arguing with herself, or the characters or comments

# # singing yes, it's necessary :os

"Gerroff Joe!"

or

"'Ands off Mags!"

Part One

"Joseph . . . stop it, please don't do it!" Rogue just stood there, unable to do anything as the man(iac) messed with her mind.

"Just a few more adjustments . . . and . . . there, you're all mine!"

What did Ah do so wrong, Gawd? Oh yeah, there's the whole terrorist thing . . . but come on, Ah'm a married woman!

Remy smiled to himself, #I'm going home…# wait a minute read it in French please, they're just spelt the same :op, if the X-mansion's home, where did I just visit? D'accord, I'm between homes… non, dat's not right… sounds like I'm between hommes an' de las' time I was in bed wit'… shudder Ok, les' jis' put it dis way – I was wit' mon père an' Tante Mattie an' Laps… an' now… Dat's it! #I'm goin' 'ome to Roguie…# Gambit was suddenly aware of a tapping, which gradually became a steady thud, thud, thud…

"Earth to monsieur Le Beau," Henry McCoy had been standing directly in front of the young Cajun for a good 20 minutes attempting to gain his attention. For the last 10 he had resorted to knocking on Gambit's skull, "anyone in there? Helloooooo!"

"Ain't no use Beast. The boy's gone gaa-gaa," Logan commented. He was quite frankly coming to the end of his tether with all the commotion – Beast's thumping had made him loose count of the stitches he'd knitted…

"Gaa-gaa? What ensued this turn of events? Why is he not responding? His eyes are open. The lights are on but nobody's home, is that what you're telling me? Hm! What's gaa-gaa? It isn't in the medical dictionary I'm sure… or at least I was. Hold on, I'll go check…"

"No need bub, there's yer answer," said the bub-meister a.k.a. Wolverine. Oh, and he was pointing to the bulge in Remy's spandex suit. Namely in the general direction of his genitals.

Our dear, sweet little red-eyed Swamp Rat had dismissed the thud thudding as the beating of his heart when his River Rat was mentioned. His train of thought hadn't moved very far since then. Well, it never did. Choo-choo! Train of thought, geddit? Oh never mind. Mmmmm Rogue in a bikini, a smile tickled his lips, non - in a t'ong, a broad grin settled on his dropdeadgorgeous face, non – Rogue wearing not'ing! He began to drool, Wait, wait, I got it! Rogue wearing not'ing, wit' me, also wearing not'ing! Oh man… hence the bulge.

Logan just wanted to get back to his cardigan making sess. so he opted to grab the Gumbo guy's train of thought chugg-chugg by using his oh-so-effective 'snikt' method.

SNIKT! Wolverine opened his claws right in front of Gambit's sexy nose.

"There you go Hank, kid'll listen now," he stated matter-of-factly and, in my opinion, rather smugly. I know, I was there.

Oh brother, thought Jubilee, he thinks that trick he does with his claws is so great. Hell, yesterday he thought it'd cure acne!

"Wolvie, that's really 'groovy' an' all – or whatever the cool words were in your time – but sexy pants… erm, I mean, erm," Sht! My secret's out! "Gumbo breath," Ooh great comeback, "is still way out of it."

"Sure darlin'," he laughed. Lil' Pubes, I mean Jubes, thinks snikt hasn't worked. Ha! Poor kid. Or petite as the Cajun guy calls her. Whatever that means. He returned to his 'snikt' one, pearl one.

God is he just blind or senile? Hank clearing his throat caught Jubilee's attention. She handed him a cough lozenge.

She's a teenager, thought Hank; Remember the obvious to us is not so to them.

"Erm, Ms. Lee? Perhaps you could assist me in waking our companion of Acadian descent from his reverie?"

"Huh?" was the rather undignified response Hank received. Oblivious to the obvious, Hank chanted to himself. "Can you wake Gambit up?" – He'd phrased this one carefully.

"Oh sure thing Beast." She stood in front of Remy looking towards the door to his left. "Hi Rogue!" she shouted to the empty doorway. Surely enough – to Hank's delight – there was a response.

Gambit suddenly found himself back in reality. He hadn't planned on rejoining his team mates until they were back at Westchester but he distinctly remembered hearing someone greet Rogue. It was Jubilation Lee.

"Où?" (Fr. "Where?") Remy cried, leaping to his feet and searching frantically around the Blackbird for his beloved, causing Wolverine to extend his claws and shred his gorgeous new cardigan in shock.

"Grrr," Logan snarled fiercely at the Cajun. Remy locked his demonic/sexy/exotic-but-in-this-case-demonic eyes on Logan and let out a vampire-from-Buffy-style...

"ROOOAAAR!"

At that, Wolvie headed with his tail between his legs to Scott, who seemed to be the only person flying the plane.

Gambit turned to Jubilee. Phwoar do I need a pin-up of him, was one of the many thoughts running through her mind at that point. One of the cleaner thoughts that is.

"Where's Rogue?" asked everyone's favourite French speaking guy running low on name alternatives here people!.

"At home waiting for you probably," she pouted bitterly Is that even possible! Just checking.

"Den why-"

"Ah, Gambit, good to hear you speaking coherent sentences again – and no drooling! Congratulations my boy!" Hank interrupted. How rude! Shut up! SLAP! .

"Salut M'sieu Bête," drooling!

"I had wanted to speak with you regarding… erm… Oh my stars and garters! All this time trying to gain your undivided attention and I cannot even recall the purpose!"

At that second Scott's voice was to be heard over the intercom.

"Okay team, we're back at the mansion. Nobody leave until-"

"Yipee!" yelled an ecstatic Cajun as he opened the hatch and leapt out of the moving aircraft.

Hank peered out the window to see Gambit sprinting across the lawn to the mansion doors. Oh dear. I've told him many a-time, no matter how quickly he runs, part two won't get here any sooner.

Part Two

"ROGUIE!" Remy shrieked with delight as he grabbed his lover and gave her a huge sloppy spine-tingling snog. Oh how I wish it were me.

Rogue was rather enjoying herself, but felt a force pulling her away from her 'cute buns'. Darn that Joseph. How selfish can he be?

Joseph came running up the stairs and skidded to a halt outside the LeBeau's cosy abode.

"NNOOOOO! Do not let him kiss you! You're supposed to be telling him that you want to move out and live with me!" Damn that woman, always so stubborn, won't even give in to science, Joseph thought. He had perfected his mind controlling method so that he would have complete control over Rogue's movement, speech and telepathic shielding. Unfortunately, she was too stubborn to let him control it all so she had decided to speak or herself. Fortunately, it didn't work. Unfortunately, now she couldn't talk at all.

"You're leaving me?" Remy asked brokenheartedly, awwww! his eyes swelling with tears.

Rogue nodded (under Joey's control of course) It's Joseph! Well excuuuuse me!. She took her already packed bags and headed out of the room arm in arm with Bucket-head. JOSEPH! Whatever.

"Rogue wait," Remy called.

"She's not interested Gambit," Joseph snapped back. They walked out of site.

"Wait," said Remy, his voice barely a whisper, "You forgot your teddy," he choked.

Part Three

"It's been over a week since Rogue left with Joseph and Remy still hasn't said more than 'yes please' and 'no thank you' to anyone," said Jean worriedly.

"And that much in English," stated Warren still in shock.

"Somethin' smells fishy here," said Logan.

"Sorry," Bobby looked sheepish.

The X-men had held a meeting in the War Room minus Gambit to discuss the low morale of their team mate.

"He just lies in his bed clutching that stuffed bear that Rogue left behind." Storm was clearly worried about her long-term friend.

"You know who I think was behind this," asked Betsy.

"Sinister," hissed Scott.

"Apocalypse!" Warren screamed maniacally.

"No," Betsy continued, "I think it was his family."

"Sinister," hissed Scott.

"No Scott, his family, not yours," Hank added.

"How d'ya mean Betts?" Logan growled, as he often did.

Ooo scary, thought Jubilee sarcastically. Who was there on holiday in case you were wondering.

"Well think of it," Betsy explained slowly and clearly – you couldn't be too careful with the X-men, "Remy gets married to Rogue and then something comes up and 'e's called to lead 'is family, but Rogue's an outsider, so they arrange to get rid of 'er and get Remy back. Luckily, Rogue 'as an admirer already so they arrange for Tante Mattie – the fat bird, no not the aeroplane you understand, that's The Blackbird – to put a spell on Rogue to fall in love with this admirer and hey presto, you got a Gambit!"

The whole of the X-men looked totally bewildered at this except Jean who, as always, nodded understandingly.

At this point, Jean-Luc and Lapin jumped out of the shadows, bound Betsy to the chair, gagged her and left the way they'd come. Whichever way was that was.

"Well that was-" Bobby began.

"Sinister," Scott hissed.

"Scott, honey, snap out of it," Jean said gently, touching his arm.

"Sinister," Scott hissed.

SLAP! Jean whacked him across the face.

"Thanks Jean, I needed tha-"

SLAP!

"Jean I'm okay now, rea-"

SLAP! … SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Jean chased a screaming Scott down the corridor.

"Well that was even-" Bobby started again.

"Apocalypse!" shrieked Warren Worthington III or whatever number he happens to be.

"Oh Jeez, here we go again," said Jubilee.

"Alright Rogue, will you behave yourself if I let go of my control over you?" asked Joseph.

Rogue didn't move. You idiot Magnus, he said to himself, she can't respond until you release control!

He let his control of Rogue slip and opened her cage. She stepped out warily and stood there with a glazed expression on her face for a while and Joseph wondered if the Genoshan collar around her neck had reacted badly with his mind controlling techniques. All of a sudden Rogue stuck her face directly in front of Joseph's, blew a raspberry and turned on her heel back to her cage. I love it when people do that, turn on their heels.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Joseph/Magnus screamed angrily, wiping the splashes off his face.

Gambit sat bolt upright in his bed and stared at the teddy incredulously.

"Did you hear what I think I heard?" he asked.

The teddy nodded and Remy scrambled out the room at top speed, heading for the mini-jet and managed to trip a screaming Scott over whilst a cackling Jean leapt for a screaming Scott.

Our lovely Cajun homme had received a telepathic cry over his psy-link with his wifey which is why there was a glazed look on her face for a while you see. She had said Joseph was controlling her and she didn't want to leave Remy really and she needed him to rescue her and she was at one of Magneto's old bases and it was horrible and he was keeping her in a cage and…

So he was on his way to save her.

On arriving, Gambit stealthily broke into the base and ran to the room with Rogue's adamantium cage was. Mag-Joe was in front of the cage door trying to regain the mind control. T'ink, pup, t'ink, Gambit chanted to himself, Roguie in a t'ong… Non! Aha! A plan!

Remy ran toward the cage and pinched Mag-Joe's ass causing him to jump away from the cage. Remy took his chance. He picked the lock on the cage door, Rogue flew in to his arms and they were out of there before Mag-Joe could make a snide comment about Remy's shady past.

Remy carried the Genoshan collar-less Rogue off the mini-jet and into the mansion where a seriously pissed and bruised Scott was waiting.

"Remy that was totally irrational and risky of you. I should-"

"Mah love, he saved mah life!" cried Rogue giving Remy a deeply passionate kiss Lucky cow.

Everyone in the room cheered wildly and left to reassemble in the War Room.

"If they think they can deflate my ego so easily, they have another thing coming. ME! Mwahahahahahahahahaaa!" cackled Mag-Joe wildly.

Part Four

"Gambit, how did you know that Rogue really was under Joseph's control and that it wasn't just a trap to lure you to the base and that actually she didn't love you?" asked Scott.

Rogue shot him a dirty look, "Hold me back, hold me back!" she shouted. Wolverine grabbed her before she ripped Scott to shreds.

"Well Scott, you see," Remy started in perfect English. Everyone stared at him, "Quoi! Y'all catchin' flies or sumt'in?" (Fr. "What!") They all visibly relaxed at this.

"As Ah was sayin', Ah knew she wasn' lien' 'cause Magneto doan' know dat' Ah'm a telepath of sorts so he din' know 'bout de link we 'ave," he smiled winningly at Rogue, "An' second Ah knew she wasn' lien' cause I 'ave empat'ic abilities so Ah know."

"Oh. Okay," said Scott, "X-Men, dismissed."

"Not so fast," Mag-Joe's voice bellowed across the room, "Your resident thief has stolen from me what wasn't mine and I want it/her back."

Part Five

"Joseph, whatever do you mean?" asked Hank calmly.

"It's not Joseph though is it Magnus?" Remy queried in flawless Polish no less. Again, jaws hit the floor.

"Quite right Remy," Magnus replied, "in a way."

"It never really has been Joseph has it Magnus?" He continued.

"Nope." Magnus answered cockily.

"Who...wha?" asked Scott.

"Oh shut up, fool," replied Magneto. In English this time.

"Then let's fight sugah!" three guesses who that was.

"Ah love her when she be feisty," Remy stared at Rogue in awe.

WHAM! Rogue flew into Magnus and threw him into an unlucky wall.

"Non ma Roguie, dis between me an' de bucket head," Remy said, red on black eyes narrowing.

"It's Joseph! Um ... I mean, Magneto!" Magnus cried. Not terribly convincing was he?

"What a dork," Jubilee mused, "YOU'LL NEVER BEAT REMY! HE'S MY HERO!"

Warren, Wolverine, Storm, Betsy, Bobby and Sam was Sam in this before? Oh well, if not he just got back from holiday ok? were all dressed in black and red cheerleading outfits and chanting, "Go Remy, go Remy," from the sidelines lines? I told you, stay out of this! THWACK! .

"Bwahahahahaaa!" Mags shouted, "I'm more powerful than you can ever imagine to be, boy. How can you expect to win?"

"Bwahahahahahahaaa!" Gambit retorted, "Because I'm more powerful than you can ever imagine I imagine you imagine me to be!" he turned to his following "Did that make sense?"

They all whipped thesauruses out from behind their pompoms and pigtails, looked up after a few seconds magically wearing reading glasses and nodded vigorously.

"Good," Remy continued, "C'mon den Magsy-wagsy ya big pansy! Gimme your best shot!"

"What! Why, how dare you coonass low-life How racist and derogatory I know! Take this!" Magsy-wagsy dragged up the metal floor around Remy, but Gambit charged it up and it exploded without having caused and harm.

"What!" exclaimed Hank this time, "that would've killed him, unless… oh my!" Hank's face splits in two to make way for a huge grin. The X-Men didn't know what he was on about, so they just ignored him (as they tended to do when they got confused) pretending that they had already figured it out, whatever it was, and feigning surprise that Hank hadn't, being a genius and all.

"R-E-M-Y, Gambit! Gambit!" Cheered the X-cheerleaders. The other X-men I forget who they are now had gone somewhere to do things. Because I've forgotten who was where.

"WWWAaaaaaaaaAAaaaaaaaaaaaaAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Wailed Mags and promptly fell to the ground, clutching his head.

"Have you learned your lesson yet?" asked Remy, in a booming, yet lovely voice.

"I want my blankee," Magneto answered feebly.

"Go home and get it then!" Remy laughed.

"OK, bye now!" Maggely waggely left.

Part Six

"Sooooooooooo, Roguie ma cherie what you wanna do now?" Remy asked. She shot him a catty smile, but before she could answer, the X-men all magically appeared in the room. They were in some room in the mansion. Which room? Does it matter? No. That's what I thought No need to be btchy with the readers you know Soooo-rry!

"Wait, Remy, how did you do all those really cool things that you did and how comes we understood you sometimes too?" Asked Bibby-Bobby Drake.

"Gambit be a t'ief homme."

"I think what our flame haired friend is trying to say is that he is the world's foremost master t'ief. I mean thief. But that does not explain the level of power he demonstrated," said Hank. Sorry I can't do the long words.

"Ah. Firs'ly Ah'm de universe's best t'ief he whips out a certificate an' secon'ly Ah'm an Omega class mutton 'mutant' with a French accent you see, Ah mean mutant, and I have multiple powers,"

"Mah hero," Rogue cooed trying to drag him away subtly. And they say men have one-track minds!

"Fascinating, would you mind very much if I were to-" started Hank.

"Oui, I would," Remy interrupted, "I be expectin' a full report on 'ow good Ah kicked Mags' derrier firs' t'ing tommorrow aft'rnoon sharp. X-men dissmissed!" Gambit commanded.

"Yessir!" chorused Sam and Scott. Was Sam there before? Oh yeah, he was.

PartSeven

There was lots of licking and such naughtiness in the LeBeau bedroom.

"OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"

"MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmhhhhmmmmmMMMMM!"

"EEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOUUUUWW!"

"AAAA OOOO EEEE AAAAAA WWWWWW!" etc.

The Happy End

LA

Remy: You sure write good fics chère.

LA: Thank you. You can rub my feet now.

Remy: Anyt'in' for you chère, anyt'in'. After all, you are de one who would never let me be bad an' always let me have Roguie glares wickedly at other authors who aren't as kind.

LA: I know. I'm great aren't I.