A/N: First half takes places after 4x04 (Kick the Ballistics), and second half takes place during 4x05 (Eye of the Beholder)
"You ok?" Beckett asked coming into Castle's office late that night. Castle was hunched over his computer rubbing the back of his neck. She could tell how tense he was. Beckett knew he was upset that they had closed the case without any sign of Tyson.
"What?" He startled.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he replied distractedly.
"Castle." She knew he was lying. Beckett had expected him to want to talk at some point tonight, but he had locked himself in his office instead. She was fine with giving him space, but she knew him well enough to know he didn't want to actually be alone all night, so she stayed. She hung out with Alexis and then read for a bit.
"I have a headache. It's no big deal," he admitted.
Beckett went up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. After a few minutes, he relaxed a bit under her touch.
"Thanks," he turned his head and dropped a kiss on her fingers.
"Why don't you get ready for bed? I'll grab you some Advil and meet you in there."
"Wow, role reversal," he sighed tiredly. The last few days were catching up to him.
"I let you take care of me, now let me take care of you."
"I'm fine."
"I was fine the other night when I let you make a big fuss over me," Beckett justified. The weather had recently started changing, and the cold brought new challenges for her still healing body. Her chest had been stiff and tight every time she stood outside which did not make crime scenes fun. She had been sore for days. Of course, she couldn't hide it from Castle. He noticed instantly when she gasped reaching for her coffee the other day and demanded she relax that night.
"You were in pain."
"So are you."
"I have a headache because Jerry Tyson is a psychopath and still at large. Your ribs hurt because you had major surgery 4 months ago. It's completely different."
"I don't care." She really wanted to do something for him. She knew how difficult this case was and how hard he worked on it. He even volunteered to wade through all those boring prison records just for a small shot at a break. She knew closing the case without catching Tyson was tough on him.
"Kate,"he sighed. It was completely unnecessary for her to feel bad for him. If he was being honest, she was probably in more pain anyway. He knew she hid it from him whenever she could, but it was still there. He should be helping her, not the other way around.
"I let you set me all up on the couch with the heating pad, and I took the strong muscle relaxer without complaining. You can go to bed an hour early and let me get you some Advil."
"You going to play with my hair until I fall asleep?" He teased. He was slowly giving into her. Especially if it involved both of them going to bed early and cuddling.
"Go ahead and laugh, but it was damn comfortable. I wasn't planning on falling asleep, that was your fault."
"I believe you mumbled something about my 'magical fingers'," he smirked.
"Don't be dirty, Castle."
"Hey, your words not mine."
"I just want to help you for a change."
"You help me all the time."
"Please."
"Ok, ok." He agreed and rolled his chair back from his desk.
"Thank you," she smiled.
"I left the pills on the night stand," Beckett said coming into the bathroom where Castle was brushing his teeth. He had left the door open so she assumed she should join him. When Beckett looked at him in the mirror, she saw he had his eyes closed. "You sure you're alright?"
"I'm fine. It's just a headache. It's not even a bad one. The lights in here are really bright, and it was kinda dark in my office. My eyes aren't happy about the adjustment," he answered opening his eyes.
"Right, ok" Beckett nodded and picked up her own toothbrush. Castle's bathroom was huge and included a large counter with two sinks. They had done this before, but the domesticity of brushing their teeth side by side always struck her. She had never been so comfortable with a man before. They went about their business together like it was no big deal. She didn't have to worry about what she looked like. No worrying about if she got toothpaste on the side of her mouth or if she should take her makeup off or not.
Castle dropped a kiss to her shoulder as he walked out to the bedroom. She quickly finished up and joined him, still rubbing her moisturizer in as she walked.
"Do you think we are going to find him before he kills again?" Castle asked quietly as she crawled in next to him.
"I hope so."
"He could be anywhere. He's probably not in New York."
"I know, but that doesn't mean another police force won't find him."
"You know the odds of anyone just finding him without another crime scene or investigation are slim."
"Yeah, but maybe he'll trip up. He's human. He'll make a mistake."
"I don't know that I would call him human. He's a monster," Castle said fiercely.
"That's true," Beckett agreed and snuggled up next to him. She wanted to offer any comfort she could. "I'm sorry you have to see all the bad parts of being a cop. I never wanted you to have to carry a burden like this. It's not your fault Jerry Tyson is free. We never would have even known he was 3XK without you."
"Not that it did us any good."
"It did, and it will. We have a name and a face now. We have the evidence and the information to catch him as soon as the opportunity comes up."
"Yeah…" he said, discouraged.
"I know it's hard, but you can't take this as a personal failure. You did everything you could. We all did."
"How do you do it? How do you handle it when cases go cold or even when the jury decides a guy you know is guilty is innocent? I mean that has to have happened to you, right?"
"It has. Don't get me wrong these types of cases bother me, especially Tyson. Not only is he a serial killer, but he could have killed you. I hate him. I want him locked up as bad as you do, but sometimes you have to be patient. I know this makes no sense coming from me, but you can't let every case consume you. I have plenty of old cases that still send me through the roof when I think about them, but I just have to try to focus on the new cases coming in everyday. We lose sometimes, Castle. It sucks, but it happens. The best we can do is try to learn from it. So the next case ends in a conviction. The next victim gets justice."
"Yeah, I guess we can't win them all."
"No, we can't, but that doesn't mean we aren't going to try like hell. We will get Tyson. The truth always comes out."
He leaned over a bit and kissed her. This was one of those moments where she had no idea how extraordinary she was. Kate returned the kiss eagerly. The possibility of Tyson being back and running around with Ryan's gun had had her on edge most of the week. She let herself relax and took pleasure in knowing they were comforting each other. She had held it together for him during this case, even though he probably didn't actually need her to. She knew he had things under control, but it was a step towards being her old self again.
The next case they caught was a murder and robbery at an art gallery. The case was complicated by an insurance investigator named Serena Kaye that was helping them track down the stolen art work and killer. Beckett hated her. She was tall and beautiful and was constantly flirting with Castle. Beckett couldn't say anything because she couldn't risk Gates finding out she and Castle were together. On top of that, she had to go to her appointment with Burke. She was dreading it.
"Oh my god you're jealous," Castle laughed as he realized why Beckett had been acting so weird.
"What?"
"That's why you hate Serena."
"I don't hate her," Beckett said sharply.
"Yes, you do. You've been all get away from my man. It's adorable."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I just don't trust her working with us," Beckett denied and walked into her kitchen to get some water. She really didn't want to talk about this.
"Why?" Castle asked as he followed her.
"Because she's a criminal."
"You hated her before we knew about her past."
"Castle," Beckett practically growled. She was tired and not in the mood.
"It's ok. You can admit it," he smiled, misreading her annoyance as playful.
"What do you want me to say? I don't want you going to some secretive meeting to talk to her 'contacts' without me." She said referring to that afternoon when Castle had eagerly volunteered to go with Serena to a cops-free meeting.
"Is it her or me you don't trust?"
"Her. Of course I trust you. I had no idea where she was taking you or who you were meeting. It could have been dangerous."
"Which is also why you jumped down Esposito's throat when he suggested I take her out to distract her, so you guys could search her hotel room. The hotel restaurant, with you guys right upstairs, sounds real dangerous."
"No, I don't want my boyfriend going out with some hot, leggy blonde. I don't care if it's undercover. You do undercover missions with me."
"Kate," Castle laughed. He never expected her to be jealous of anyone. She was gorgeous. What did she have to worry about?
"Back off," Beckett snapped.
"Honey, listen to yourself."
"Wipe that smile off your face. This isn't funny."
"Kate, come on. Do you honestly think I would ever cheat on you? Because if you do, we have a much bigger problem," Castle said in a soft voice. He was quickly realizing that she wasn't messing around.
"No. You wouldn't cheat….You would break up with me first."
"Woah, where is this coming from?"
"Serena Kaye is exactly your type. She would be a whole lot easier to have as your girlfriend, too," Beckett said.
"Easier to have as my girlfriend? What does that even mean?"
"I guarantee you she comes with a lot less baggage than I do."
"Baggage? Kate, you know I don't think you have baggage." He stepped up and placed his hand on her arm.
"But I do. A hell of a lot it," she bit out and stepped back.
"So do I."
"Not like mine."
"This isn't a competition, but I do have two ex-wives."
"Yeah well I have PTSD," she announced harshly and walked out of the kitchen.
"Kate? Sweetheart, look at me," Castle said gently as he walked up behind her. She had her back to him.
She simply shook her head and made no effort to turn around. Castle heard her sniffle. He was fairly certain she was crying.
"That doesn't change how I feel about you in any way. I love you and nothing, Nothing, is ever going to change that."
At that she turned around and buried herself in his chest. She tucked her face into his neck and sobbed into his shoulder. Castle tightened his arms around her firmly, and she gripped the back of his shirt.
"Shh, it's ok. Everything is going to be ok. I'm not going anywhere," he said as he began to rub her back.
"Burke hasn't officially diagnosed me yet but I know he's going to," she whispered without moving.
"I will help in anyway I can."
"This is perfect," she admitted as she held on a little tighter. After about ten minutes of standing in her living room just holding each other she pulled back. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"I had my appointment with Burke yesterday. When I explained what has been happening at work and about Rivera pulling the gun on me. He …he asked about panic attacks, and nightmares, and flashbacks. The whole time I was talking I knew I was giving the wrong answers," she explained.
"What are the wrong answers?"
"The ones that make you crazy."
"You're not crazy."
"Just weak," she mumbled.
"No way. I don't want you to think that for a minute." When Beckett didn't say anything he continued, "I promise I'm not going anywhere. I will be by your side the whole time. You'll get through this. I promise."
"Why? Why do you want to stay. You've seen the panic attacks. I've tried to hide it, but you've still seen. You've seen the nightmares. I don't get it. You deserve so much better."
"This is why you've been so jealous of Serena. My beautiful, confident Kate Beckett thinks she's not good enough, and I'm going to leave her." He said making the connection to the beginning of this conversation.
"Castle."
"No, you need to hear this. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I love you so much. I don't want another woman. I want you."
"I love you too."
"Well then good. We are on the same page then," he smiled.
"Burke asked if I was afraid you wouldn't be supportive, or that you would be."
"What did you say?"
"It was rhetorical, I think. I didn't answer. He just talked about it. I guess…if you are supportive I can't run away or hide behind being angry at you. It pressures me to open up in a way."
"I never want to pressure you."
"It wouldn't be intentional." She reached out and grabbed his hand, reestablishing the contact between them. "It's just if I don't have anyone to talk to then I don't have to talk. But if you're here, then…"
"You still don't have to," he replied giving her hand a squeeze.
"But I want to. Except, I don't. I know it doesn't make sense."
"I think it does."
"I really have been doing better. I'm ok. It was just Burke made me think about everything and put it in words."
"I'm sorry. I never should have went with Serena to that meeting."
"It's ok."
"No, I wasn't thinking."
"Let's just close the case and move on from her."
"Deal."
A/N: Sorry about the wait. School got too busy. Thanks for reading. Thoughts? Comments? Next chapter will about 4x07 (Cops and Robbers). I'm excited about that one, but it will probably be a week or two before I can get it done. Thanks to everyone for all the reviews :)
Meagan