Prologue
Then you vanish me/I'm buried in the snow.
It was late winter when Haruka saw him last. He'd come and visited Makoto from his village and all of a sudden, nothing had ever changed. Makoto had brought mackerel, Nagisa, and Rei while Rin brought his treacherous tales of the world of competitive swimming and Sousuke. Haruka and Rin had sped straight to the indoor community pool and had raced each other repeatedly; Haruka for the fun of it, Rin for the competition. It was clear that Haruka hadn't been slacking. He won over Rin four times out of five, and though Rin had cried (a little), he'd immediately felt better when he realized that Haruka's times were still out of this world.
Eventually, even Nagisa and Rei decided to enter the pool "for old times' sake." Rei had brought his swimwear with foresight. Nagisa just jumped in with his school uniform pants on, heedless of the onlookers. Haruka found with relief that Nagisa hadn't changed at all in his third year. He looked ridiculous with his baggy pants weighing him down but his energetic splashes forcing him upward again.
"Haru-chan! You have to tell us what it's like being a fisherman!" Nagisa yelled. "Do you meet any creepy customers who you have to defeat in the name of justice? Have you met any old men who sent you on quests to find a mystical pearl in the ocean?"
"Nagisa-kun, you idiot, Haru-san isn't some sort of superhero," Rei chided. Sousuke chuckled, and Haruka found it somewhat awkward because Rin was clearly trying to tune the entire conversation out while Makoto was fiddling with his fingers by the poolside.
Neither his green-haired nor his red-haired friend had understood why Haruka had chosen the path of a fisherman. It had been sudden for both of them, even though to Haruka it had seemed almost natural. Rin had gotten into a big fight with him over it when he'd first decided. Makoto had remained silent and had released a strange aura of tension ever since then.
"Everyone, the sandwiches are ready," Makoto called with a hint of nervousness. Rin immediately pushed himself out of the pool, determined not to meet Haruka's gaze.
Nagisa didn't notice the strange atmosphere. "Did you put honey on mine, Mako-chan? Oh, oh! Did you get some of Gou-chan's protein powder? That stuff is the best!"
"Ugh, that stuff was terrible," Rin muttered.
"Not the strawberry one!"
"Especially the strawberry one."
"Now, now, guys," Makoto soothed. "I added honey mustard to yours, Nagisa-kun."
Haruka pulled himself out of the lane with a sort of disgruntled expression at being so blatantly ignored. "Is there mackerel in mine?" he asked quietly.
"Y-yes," Makoto said awkwardly, trying to avoid Haruka's gaze. Rin rolled his eyes and gave Sousuke a pathetic expression while Nagisa giggled.
"It would be a strange world where Makoto-san forgot Haru-san's favorite food," Rei said. Makoto laughed and blushed slightly. Haruka bit into the sandwich, satisfied with the loss of tension in the air.
They talked about how they were doing. Makoto explained that he'd donated his swimwear to the Iwatobi Swimming Club's Hall of Fame along with the rest of the group's swimwear and hadn't gotten around buying a new one. Nagisa stared at him with wide eyes.
"So you haven't been swimming all this time?" he asked with childlike amazement. Haru felt a strange thrill of melancholy, even though everyone else seemed mildly surprised about it. Before he knew it, Makoto was hauled up and his arm was linked around Nagisa's. "Mako-chan we have to go shopping!"
"It can happen at its own time, Nagisa," Sousuke grunted. Haruka stared at him blankly. The man had been a strong silent presence at Rin's side for the entire time, and he found it odd that he'd decided to speak. He also felt irritated. Sousuke hadn't been able to swim either with his shoulder injury. What was he trying to say to Makoto?
Rin, however, wasn't affected by the exchange. "He's right, Nagisa. Sit down and relax. Makoto is no longer a competitive swimmer. If he doesn't want to swim, he doesn't have to."
"Ah, yes, I appreciate your concern Nagisa, but I am not really a competitive swimmer anymore and…ah," Makoto said awkwardly. He glanced at Haruka for help.
For once in Haruka's life, he wasn't sure whether or not he actually wanted to help Makoto. He merely stared back at Makoto with his sandwich on his plate, curious of Makoto's reason for not swimming.
Makoto sighed. "I just can't find the time anymore," he said softly. "It isn't that big of a deal. I'm just not made to swim anymore."
Rei hummed his assent. "I've started looking into my future, and unfortunately competitive swimming isn't a part of it, but more like a hobby. As monotonous as it sounds, I think I'll be a salaryman and work my way up the ranks of the Sawari Corporations," he said.
Nagisa looked shell-shocked. "You can't do that, Rei-chan!" he exclaimed, horrified. "Where's the adventure? The prestige? The romance?" Rei spluttered indignantly at Nagisa's melodramatic kissy-face, and the whole group laughed. Haru smiled slightly, but returned his gaze onto Makoto. If Makoto knew that he was being stared at, he didn't let it show. The conversation had seamlessly passed over Makoto's reluctance to swim and had shifted to Nagisa and Rei's futures, which were drastically different. Rei and Nagisa, in fact, were getting irritated with each other while Rin, Sousuke, and Makoto tried to reason with them.
All the while, Haruka couldn't get Makoto's words out of his head. I'm just not made to swim anymore. Makoto had been the one to convince him to join the swim club in Iwatobi all those years ago, and now he wasn't going to swim? The more Haruka thought about it, the more irritated he got.
Apparently he wasn't the only one. Nagisa slapped his hands on the table and got up, leaving his half-eaten sandwich and glaring at Rei. Without a word he stormed off to the exit and left the table with an awkward silence. Rei looked like the picture of misery and humiliation as he, too, got up and stormed out the opposite exit while fighting tears in his eyes.
The table was silent as the remaining four looked at each other in shock. Rin was the first to break the silence.
"What was that all about?" he asked derisively, glaring where Nagisa had left. Makoto gave a troubled frown.
"They've been doing this a lot recently," he sighed. "I think that the pressure of the future has gotten to them."
Haruka shook his head. "They seem more upset at each other than their future choices."
Sousuke nodded. "Haruka-san is right. Nagisa called Rei 'boring' while Rei called him 'impractical' in turn. They weren't criticizing their future choices so much as belittling each other." Rin stared at the table with an unsatisfied look on his face as Sousuke talked, and with a grunt he kicked at Nagisa's seat.
"Well, we have to get to the root of this," he decided, scooting back his chair with a screech and getting up hastily. "They're fighting over something so stupid I can't believe I'm wasting my time over it."
"The future isn't something to take likely," Sousuke said calmly. "If I can recall, Haruka-san was uncertain of his future for a long time, and it caused both you and Makoto-kun a great deal of trouble."
"That's different," Rin snorted. "I thought that Haru would completely forget about swimming competitively altogether or at least keep himself from being in shape. But Haru swims with me all the time, whenever we both want to swim. He's certainly better than any other competitor I've faced, possibly even some of the ones I've lost to." Rin's smug face melted into that of displeasure. "So I don't see how this has anything to do with Nagisa and Rei."
"Before this brilliant setup, you had a host of insecurities," Sousuke replied. Rin stared at Haruka for a second before his eyes shifted away. "I believe that even though both Rei and Nagisa are vocal about their emotions, they cannot convey their fundamental need to be on each other's wavelength, and that causes them to fight." Makoto visibly flinched and Haruka's eyes latched onto that movement.
"When did you get so insightful, Yamazaki-kun?" Makoto laughed lightly. Sousuke looked baffled for a moment, as if remembering who he was, and shrugged.
"I suppose when you're not involved you notice a lot more than anyone else," he shrugged. "In a way it's like Rei was to you all when you had all that trouble with Rin over here." Rin made a sound of disagreement and Makoto smiled.
"Well, we should play the part of the observer more often," Makoto replied. "I'll go talk to Nagisa-chan. Why don't you talk to Rei-chan, Rin?" Rin gave a short nod and headed out the door with Makoto going the opposite direction.
Sousuke shared a look with Haruka before they both followed their close friends. Haruka's mind stormed with questions for Makoto as he watched the man's broad back weaving through the crowd outside of the indoor pool complex. Usually this back would have reminded him of Makoto's power when propelling through the water through sheer force. Usually the relaxed spread of his shoulders made Haruka calm as well because it meant that Makoto wasn't scared or threatened.
Now, however, the very sight of his back made Haru want to catch up to him and walk by him instead of behind him. The silence between them wasn't all that uncomfortable, but there was a clear rift that hadn't been there when they'd met last. Makoto was within touching distance, but it seemed like he was miles away at the same time.
"Makoto," Haruka began. "We need to talk."
"No," Makoto said suddenly. The nervousness he held earlier was back. "No, Haru. I'm sorry, but there is nothing I want to say to you." The words hit Haruka like a slap and suddenly he was very much aware of how much things had changed between the both of them. He stopped walking and waited until Makoto stopped walking as well.
"I won't find Nagisa if there is a problem with our friendship. I don't think that we should help Nagisa if we can't help ourselves," Haruka snapped. Usually he would say this bluntly and with no malice, but Makoto's underhanded attack had left him bitter. Makoto's shoulders stiffened, and when he turned, his face was the portrait of guilt.
"Haru," he began. Haruka could feel his heart pounding in his ears. Most of what his and Makoto's relationship had been a silent understanding of each other, of predicting each other's movements and understanding what each mind was thinking before the thought ever occurred. But this, this was new territory. Makoto wasn't making any sense, not his body language, his eyes, or even the words spilling out of his mouth. Not swimming anymore.
"Haru," Makoto repeated with a sigh. His shoulders slumped with resignation. "Let's talk to Nagisa first. After that, I will talk with you. I will answer your questions." Haruka stared at him until he was certain, absolutely certain, that Makoto would keep the promise. He gave a terse nod and walked past Makoto, trying to stifle the feeling of foreboding making its home deep within the recesses of his stomach.
Makoto jogged slightly to catch up with him and suddenly Haruka felt the familiar feeling of their shoulders brushing. He felt comforted, something that he hadn't felt in a long while. Makoto's presence was welcoming him back home, keeping his feet grounded on land for a moment before he continued to swim through his life once more. Makoto was smiling as he continued to walk by Haruka, and even though the smile held a tinge of sadness to it, Haruka could easily slip back into their previous friendship once more and see just how much Makoto's made his whole body relax and feel alright for a change. Makoto was there, so Haruka knew everything would be alright.
Except, when they finally found Nagisa sniffling beside a cherry tree full of blossoms, Haruka most certainly did not feel alright. Makoto's words were arrows that pierced his chest.
"People change, Nagisa," he said softly. "Rei is far more grounded than you are, which is both a blessing and a curse. You have to understand that he is comfortable being who he is, and there is nothing you can do to change that." Nagisa nodded, but Makoto's words only served to make him more miserable. Makoto seemed rather out of his depth, all things considered. "You cannot hold each other back. You have dreams, and so does Rei, so it wouldn't be fair to get into each other's way. Sometimes, even the best relationships can fall away." Nagisa only seemed to conjure a fresh batch of tears as his expression became surlier.
"You don't understand Mako-chan!" he protested. "Rei-chan and I, we want to stay friends! Even during college and beyond! We both want to stay friends, but…we just see differently. I don't want to let him go." Makoto sighed.
"Sometimes, it's for the best," he said softly. Nagisa opened his mouth to protest more, but he saw how firm Makoto seemed and his voice died in his throat, leaving only hopelessness. At this, Haruka had had enough. His eyes glinted as he came to Nagisa's rescue.
"You must complement each other," he said determinedly, pushing Makoto off to the side. Makoto withered inward, letting Haruka take center stage when it was clear Haruka wanted to speak. "You are too lost in the world of dreams while Rei is lost in the world of monotony. Both of you must make negotiations and sacrifices if you ever want to remain friends in close contact."
"Like you and Rin-chan?" Nagisa sniffed. Haruka nodded, remembering how he and Rin had fought almost constantly during the final weeks of Haruka's decision. In all honesty, he could no longer imagine his life without the sharp-toothed, sharp-tongued swimmer who constantly forced Haruka to do his best. Rin had been the one to show Haruka how friendship actually worked and the beauty of teamwork. Haruka had reminded him of it numerous times whenever they swam together again, which not only boosted his love of swimming but also boosted his love for everlasting friendships.
"Like me and Rin," Haruka confirmed. "I wanted to be free to swim without worrying about times and the like. I prefer a no pressure situation. Rin lives for the pressure and the thrill of becoming better and better. We learned to look past our differences and just swim because of our love for the sport. And our love for the friends who also participate in the sport."
Nagisa smiled. "I remember. It was this motivation that had us at the National Championship." Haruka smiled and nodded. "I see what you're saying, Haru-chan. Mako-chan, I think Haru-chan is right. I need to stop letting my emotions get the best of me and let Rei-chan know that I want to be there for him no matter what. Even if I have to sacrifice something for it." Makoto smiled uncertainly, but didn't say anything. Nagisa didn't notice the silence or wasn't focused on it, because he turned to Haru straightaway. "Thank you for making time to spend with us. I'm sorry that my fight with Rei-chan got in the way of our visit, but it was very nice to see you again, Haru-chan! Please have us over again!"
Haruka nodded and watched Nagisa's receding figure as the boy went to talk to Rei. He turned to Makoto with a silent anger in his stance.
"What did I ever do to you?" Haruka seethed. Makoto flinched and didn't meet his eyes. In another world, Haruka would have found it comical that a big, intimidating man like Makoto was cowering to someone like him, but right now he wanted answers. Makoto looked up at the cherry blossoms as they fell into the wet street.
His green eyes finally met Haru's blue ones. "Haru-chan, I think that it is best if we moved on from each other," he said quietly.
Haruka froze with his mouth slightly parted. Out of all the things Makoto could have said, Haruka would have never guessed it was something so blunt and painful. Makoto swallowed and stood up, adopting a stern stare.
"Our lives run in different paths now. I don't think we are really that compatible as close friends," Makoto confessed. Haruka stayed silent and stupefied. At any point of his life, from kindergarten to now, had someone told him this would be happening, Haruka would have been unable to hold back a smile of mirth. Makoto and Haruka had had something that no one could understand and touch. Their relationship had been an onslaught of give and take, where Makoto gave and Haruka took. Even now, as Haruka left and returned from each day at work, Makoto's lack of presence annoyed him and worried at his mind. What if Makoto was feeling all sorts of meddlesome worries? What if he missed Haruka? What could Haruka do for him from where he was?
And now he was right in front of him, telling him that he no longer felt the same comfort they'd shared for the better part of 15 years. Time stood still as Makoto gave Haruka a pained glance and Haruka only stared back with hurt and despair. Immediately he was reminded of Rin's dilemma and how he suffered through the loss of a friend. But Rin wasn't Makoto. Rin wasn't someone who could tear him apart so easily, despite the sharp teeth.
Makoto was a sucker punch. Even through the awkward conversations of the afternoon, Haruka had still delighted in the fact that Makoto was there, with him, supporting him throughout the swim race and making him mackerel sandwiches. He had never thought that Makoto would be the one to betray him like this, to give him a problem with no solution. And suddenly Haruka was furious. What gave Makoto the right to throw him away like this? Didn't he miss Haruka as Haruka missed him?
If not, then Haruka didn't need him either.
"Do you really feel this way?" Haruka replied evenly. "Makoto, I'm not sure if you know what you're saying…"
Makoto gave a small, sad smile. "Haru-chan, I think that we should part ways, and I'm serious. We have become two vastly different people. It would only hurt if we kept together any longer." The smile trembled and broke.
Haruka gave a small sound of disgust and turned away, unable to look at Makoto for any longer. "Is this because I became a fisherman?" he said quietly. Makoto's eyes widened.
"What? Haru, no-"
"Then what is it?" Haruka shouted, turning back. "We haven't changed, Makoto! You aren't making any sense!" His heart was thumping wildly and he stared at Makoto with agony. "I just got Rin back as a friend! I don't want to lose you now!" A couple of people who were walking by quickly averted their course. Makoto stared at Haruka in surprise. In all of their friendship, never had Haruka once raised his voice against Makoto without Makoto prodding him. Never had Haruka once been so brutally honest with his feelings.
"You won't see me," Makoto mumbled. "You can't. I need to carve my own path, Haru, away from you." Haruka gulped at the admission and at Makoto's downcast eyes. Throughout their friendship, they had been amicable to each other. There was never a moment where they were at odds that couldn't be resolved with conversation. Now it seemed that every word from Makoto's mouth was destined to pierce through Haruka's heart.
"That's not what friendship should be," Haruka protested weakly. He was fighting a losing battle. Usually, once he realized this, he would give up and let someone else resolve the matter, but this was Makoto. This was a battle he wanted to fight for until the end. "Friends should grow strong together; friends should resolve their differences and be together!" Makoto started to bite his lip uncomfortably as his eyes shimmered with unshed tears. "Makoto!" Haru snapped, grabbing his arm and shaking him.
Makoto clenched his eyes shut and brought his other arm to his face to cover his tears. "We can't grow if we're together!" he shouted. "We need to be apart! We need to!"
Haruka finally stopped and stared at the broken man before him. Makoto was breathing heavily, trying not to sob. If there was one thing Haruka couldn't stand, it was seeing Makoto in pain. A few sniffles made their way through, but Makoto stayed hidden behind his arm, hiding his vulnerability from who was probably his closest friend.
"…I can't make any sense of this," Haruka said finally. "I don't know your reasons, and why you don't want to fix it, but if you hate me, Makoto, then I will go away." With that, Haruka swiftly turned on his heel and marched off, crushing the flowers of the blossoms in his wake. Makoto stayed behind and watched him go, finally lowering his arm and letting his red-rimmed eyes show.
For once, Haruka couldn't stand the taste of mackerel that filled his mouth.
Makoto fell against the trunk of the tree not long after Haruka left. Specks of snow were falling alongside the cherry blossom flowers. He looked at the ground and let some more tears fall, freezing his face.
Haruka was confused and hurt, that much was obvious. Makoto was confused and hurt as well, but he'd been confused and hurting. He'd been trying to understand why Haruka did everything he did; why Haruka was who he was.
Namely, he'd begun questioning the friendship between him and Haruka. The more he looked at it, the stronger his sense of foreboding.
Haruka was an omnipresent figure in his life. Everything Haruka did he excelled at, and those few activities he didn't do so well on didn't seem too important anyway. Swimming was Haruka's passion, not Makoto's, but Haruka's love for it was blinding. Makoto found that he had no choice but to follow Haruka, wherever he went, in search of the freedom that would make him happy.
Makoto was happy himself, just by being with Haruka. If it weren't for Haruka, Makoto wouldn't have overcome his fear of the ocean, wouldn't have seen just how powerful his body could be in the water. If it weren't for Haruka, Makoto would have been alone and scared, a fragile soul encased in a muscular exterior. Haruka had adopted him just as much as Makoto had adopted Haruka. They'd shaped each other all these years, Makoto giving his words in Haruka's place and Haruka taking comfort in Makoto's attempts to fill the silence.
They completed each other. And just now, Makoto had cut the entire thing off.
He could still go back and tell Haru that he hadn't meant it. He could still grasp his hand and it wouldn't be strange, just unexpected. He could beg Haruka to stay friends with him, to forgive him for being so difficult and for saying such things about the special bond they shared.
Makoto knew that he could, but he wouldn't. Because Makoto knew just what he represented in Haruka's world.
Rin had been the reason Makoto had begun to have his doubts. Before Rin had come back and they'd started the swim club, Makoto and Haruka had had a mellow friendship and shared it with no one else. Not even Nagisa, who'd they'd seen occasionally after their childhood relay, had come close to the friendship they'd shared with each other. But then suddenly Rin came along and Haruka was ignited, a fierce determination taking him over. That determination fueled Makoto in turn, which caused him to do extraordinary things for Haruka, including forming a swim club and getting it into the regional's (with the help of the others, of course).
Makoto, however, wasn't the focal point of Haruka's drive. Rin was, and his friendship was the one that Haruka sought the most.
The snow touched the tears on his face and Makoto wiped both off. The entire day was doomed to ruin, but luckily he and Haruka were the only ones who were suffering. He knew that Haruka wouldn't tell anyone else of their discussion, and the distance between the two would make sure that no one would find out about their new relationship. Rin, especially, couldn't figure out. Though Haruka had held the guilt of ruining his friendship with Rin for six years, Rin would hardly be able to hold his part in Makoto's gloom for six minutes before exploding and telling Makoto that he didn't make any sense. Just as Haruka did.
Rin and Haruka had a lot in common. They were opposites in some ways, but when it boiled down to the basics, they were more alike than either of them would care to admit.
It hurt Makoto. A lot. After Haruka had written that he'd wanted to be "free" on his career survey, Makoto saw himself through Haruka's eyes. The hand that pulled Haruka to the surface after every race. The friend who forced him to face reality every time he delved into the open arms of the water he so revered.
Makoto had wanted Haruka to decide where he wanted to go so that Makoto could follow him. Since Haruka hadn't decided in time, Makoto had made his decision first and had been shocked when, unlike always, Haruka didn't follow.
It was then that Makoto understood that Haruka couldn't ever be free if Makoto was going to tether him. Makoto, who feared the ocean and who remained aggressive with the water beneath his body, could never match up to the free spirit that was Haruka, who loved the feel of the ocean and the stretch of his muscles as the water welcomed him in.
The fact that Haruka had refused to follow him anymore was a testament to how much things had changed. Haruka had a path, now. He was heading somewhere with water, anywhere with water, and that anywhere was somewhere Makoto was not. He and Rin were pulling forward on a path that Makoto couldn't keep up.
The fact that Makoto had a secret that would only pull Haruka back further was another reason he decided to cut it off. He didn't want to be ostracized by his friends, and if Haruka heard about his secret, then there would be no doubt that he would leave Makoto broken beyond repair.
It hurt more now, but it would hurt less to know now that their friendship was at an end than later, when both Haruka and Makoto had their own lives to think about.
He got up and brushed stray petals and snowflakes from his pants.
"Strange how you're blossoming so early," he remarked quietly, staring at the tree. "Cherry trees don't usually bloom as the snow falls." Friends don't usually hurt friends for their own insecurities. "Now if you bloomed long after the snow fell, Haru-chan and Rin-chan could go swimming together in a pool full of your petals," Makoto continued. He felt ashamed at the tears that pricked his eyes once more.
Averting his eyes quickly, Makoto strode away from the tree without a backwards glance. He had to compose himself before he found Nagisa and Rei and the three of them went home. He had to get ahead of his studies during this winter recess so that he didn't fall behind when his university in Tokyo started again. There was no more room to think about his friendship troubles if he and Haruka were going to move on with their lives.