Most days she could fake it. Most days she could wake up and put a smile on her face and pretend that her whole world hadn't crumbled around her. She knew it was her fault. The separation had been her idea. She thought it would give them time to realize how much they loved one another. How much they needed one another. And for her it had worked.

The 30 days she spent away from Callie were torture. She couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep. She tried burying herself in her fellowship just to make the days pass faster. But without Callie, she couldn't even do that right. Seeing Callie struggle with the distance had only given her hope. Hope that Callie was feeling all the same things she was. But then they sat down on that couch. The couch that she thought would fix every problem and every dent in their relationship. Instead, that couch broke them. Callie realized she didn't need Arizona anymore. She still loved her of course, Callie reassured her of that. But Arizona suffocated her, a concept that she could not quite wrap her head around. All this time she had been the one claiming that Callie had been smothering her. With a surprise pregnancy upon returning from Africa, an overly friendly friendship with Mark that no matter how hard she tried, she could never become completely comfortable with. And then of course the leg. The leg that seemed to start it all but in reality was simply the straw that broke the camels back. It was the beginning of the end. The catalyst. The start of a downward spiral from which they would not return. They tried. My god how they tried. And that is what Arizona struggled with most. In the past, if they tried to fix their relationship, they did. It was never easy, but they always found a way. So how? How were they breakable this time? They loved each other. How could love not conquer all? How could her wife walk away from their family? How could that act make her feel free? Arizona struggled with these questions every day. Every day she would wake up with a weight on her chest that felt heavier than it did the last. But she had a daughter to think about and a fellowship that would be lost if she didn't get her head in the game. So most days she faked it.

She knew the façade wouldn't last forever. But what could she do? After all, she loved Callie. She loved her so fiercely that she couldn't be selfish this time. She wouldn't. Callie was right. She deserved so much more. Arizona knew that Callie was it for her. Callie could wish more for her but there wasn't more than Callie. There had never been and there never would be.

There was more for Callie though. So much more. She deserved to go out and drink with her friends and not worry about the consequences when she got home. She deserved to have a project that made her so happy that it looked like her face ached from the smile that always adorned it. She deserved someone who didn't hurt her. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much Arizona loved Callie, she hurt her. With her words, with her actions, with her lack of action. She was toxic. And Callie deserved so much more.

So Arizona would wake up and go through the motions. They still talked sometimes. They communicated about work. They communicated about Sofia. Hell they even communicated about the weather when they found themselves awkwardly stuck in an elevator on their way to a surgery. But they never talked about them. They were in limbo.

They weren't together anymore. That much was clear. Arizona had packed her things and moved in with Alex. He had so generously offered her a room after he found out what had transpired and she gratefully accepted. She couldn't stay in that house. The house she saw a forever in with Callie. So she told Callie to stay and she packed her things and went to the only place available to her.

However, divorce had never been discussed. Because of that, Arizona had allowed herself to believe that they weren't truly over. Maybe Callie was still figuring things out. Maybe if she just waited long enough, Callie would change her mind. Maybe all Callie needed was more time, a longer separation. And that hope allowed Arizona to keep up the façade. That is until the day she and Alex were sitting in the living room binge watching movies and she heard a knock on the door. Alex jumped up to get it while she paused the TV and walked into the kitchen to make more popcorn. She ripped open the package, threw the bag in the microwave and started the timer. When she turned around, she saw Alex walking into the room with a look she couldn't quite place on his face. Arizona's stomach immediately dropped.

"What is it Alex? What happened?" she asked, unable to stop the slight shake her voice. A shake caused by fear. Fear for her or for Alex, she didn't know.

"Uh…this came for you Arizona," he said, as he held up a manila envelope.

At first, it didn't register. It was just mail. So why did Alex look so concerned? But then it hit her. He knew what that envelope contained. And now..so did she. And with that, the façade that Arizona had so carefully constructed broke.

Okay guys, I have no idea where I am going with this exactly or if I should even continue. I just have a lot of feelings and I needed to get them out so I thought I'd try my hand at writing. However, I am not eloquent nor am I a writer so this is pretty rough. Leave comments if you wish and be candid. I need all the help I can get!