A/N I don't own anything =)

Chapter 1: The flight

set after 7x07

For the first couple of hours Arizona felt on top of the world. She raided the duty free, stocking up on sunscreen 50+ and hydrating cremes. She had an amazing latte in a small italian corner, complete with a delicious tiramisu. She bought an awesome book. She boarded her plane. She had an economy seat, but the passengers next to her seemed nice. Arizona Robbins was officially happy.

And then the guilt kicked in. Arizona shivered inside at the thought of how heartbroken Callie was right now. Arizona knew her girlfriend well and she could vividly picture Callie crying her heart out at the back of the taxi, on her way home. Arizona felt sick to her stomach. For several hours se struggled not to cry herself at the thought of what she did! Arizona couldn't really understand what came over her. Yes, Callie was whining and she was being a total baby, but she had her reasons. And the funniest thing was that Arizona herself had lots and lots of reservations about going to Malawi. First of all, she hated camping - and obviously the conditions in Malawi wouldn't be 5 star. Secondly, she hated heat, as in couldn't stand heat at all. And thirdly three years seemed like a lot. Arizona knew this was her opportunity of a lifetime and she couldn't even imagine saying "no" to it - but she wasn't oblivious to the fact that this wasn't going to be an easy ride. She'd love it if she could talk it through with Callie and they could whine about it together, but that wasn't the case. Arizona couldn't allow herself to say anything critical about the trip as Callie would immediately turn it into a reason not to go. And she'd immediately start blaming Arizona for making her go to Africa while knowing it wasn't that awesome really. But for Arizona it was.

Still, Arizona felt really guilty. Then she felt really angry. Her whole relationship with Callie was based on her feeling guilty lately.

Callie was amazing - she was beautiful and hot and she was badass and she had that sarcastic sense of humour Arizona just adored. She also had an air of confidence around her and she was a girl one just couldn't say no to. She brought the best in people and Arizona believed Callie brought out the best in her too. But as soon as their relationship started Arizona felt like she always had to make up for something. For not saying she wanted kids with Callie. She felt like it was too early, she wasn't ready and at the time it was her set of mind, but Callie turned it into s huge deal, effectively breaking up with her over that. Arizona was guilt-ridden for weeks - she cursed herself for not being able to just say that she wanted to have kids and have this mess over with. She missed Callie horribly, but she believed it was quite weird for a person to just want kids in general. She knew she'd want kids one day, with a certain person, she just wasn't yes sure that person was Callie. But then the shooting happened and Callie was so strong and she protected her and Arizona felt like Callie was her anchor, something steady and strong to hold on to and then she wanted all kinds of kids with her. Making herself say that out loud was horrifying, but it was worth it. They were in a good place again.

But some nights Arizona's mind went back to that day and a small annoying voice in her head would tell her she was stressed and scared and maybe she rushed believing she wanted to have all kinds of Callie's kids. Maybe she was pressured to believe that because Callie made her feel like the worst person in the world for her beliefs. Maybe she missed Callie so much she rushed saying those words. Maybe she didn't want all those kids just yet, maybe she didn't believe Callie was the one for her just yet. Maybe she needed more time. Those night she'd look at Calle's beautiful sleeping form and feel so in love and she would tell this little voice to shut it.

But the guilt didn't stop. Arizona felt too ambitious, too egoistic and self-centred, having truly horrible beliefs about army, not empathetic enough, not caring enough or not committed enough on a daily basis. At times she felt like Calle was moulding her to fit a form she just couldn't, but she tried. She tried really hard because she was a woman in love.

But the Africa thing was the final straw. Arizona could give up anything for Callie, but this was her dream! Her dream! And Callie just wouldn't let her be happy about it, not for a single day. For the last week Arizona felt sick to her stomach thinking of how they would go to Malawi together, how it would get tough and how Callie would point out every little thing and whine and how she'd be made to feel guilty every step of the way. Arizona found herself dreading the trip. At one point she was ready to just give in and not go at all.

But then she felt that she'd never forgive herself. She knew that if she said no to the grant her life with Callie would go back to normal the very next day, that Callie would become her badass sexy self again and they'd be off on a road to "happiness as Callie sees it"-freaking-ville. That's when Arizona told herself she wasn't going to let herself be manipulated out of her dream of a lifetime.

During her time at Hopkins Arizona Robbins was known as "ambitious". Well, she was also known as an all straight girls Kryptonite, or simply put the most well known slut on campus, but that's another story. Ambitious was part of who she was and now Callie made her feel guilty even for that. Arizona knew for sure that had Callie faced an opportunity like this she would support Callie no matter what. She would go to Africa or she would stay in Seattle and have Skype installed into her brain to be in touch, but they would figure it out, she would support Callie to chase her dreams. But Callie didn't support her. And in the airport Arizona just knew this was not going to work. She was terrified with the understanding that Callie would ruin Africa for her, moreover, that she was already doing that and has been for the last months. So she chose herself. Arizona knew she had to support herself when Callie wouldn't, or she'd spend the rest of her life not as Arizona Robbins, but as Callie's other half. the half with no voice or desires of her own, existing only to fit Callie's world and to make her happy. Actually, making Callie happy was the thing Arizona would want to do for the rest of her life, but she was beginning to realise that too often Callie's happiness came at her expense and Arizona felt like it just wasn't healthy. She felt like she was losing herself, or that Callie was methodically resecting all parts of her she didn't like. It was like she was being on the operating table and pieces were being cut away every day. It had to stop. So she left Callie behind.

Deep down, Arizona knew this was for the best, but knowing didn't make the situation suck any less.

Anyway, she was going to Africa, to save tiny humans. At that thought Arizona felt a way of cheerfulness wash over her - and she decided to pull a Scarlett O'Hara and to think about Callie and all the angst tomorrow.