Once every year, Tony Stark drops off the face of the Earth. Not long after Iron Man 2, Pepper decides to follow him. She finds out exactly why she's in way over her head. The Avengers have yet to learn that lesson (and probably never will). OR A post-Avengers one-shot that explores Tony's "nickname" Merchant of Death.

"You're late." Tony didn't bother turning around. He knew she was behind him, her garb changing from the dark purple and black robe to blend in with her surroundings. She now wore dark blue jeans and a black T-shirt with purple lettering that read: LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. How ironic...

"I apologize, my Queen. I had some difficulty evading my new... friends."

Difficulty had nothing on how stubborn the rest of the Avengers were. Yes, it was in the middle of the mission and no, he couldn't just leave them hanging, but he'd asked for Rhodey to be their backup so they'd been just fine. Upon return to the Tower, they'd all demand an explanation. One that he was not going to give and one they did not deserve. The flash of heat that ran up his arm was a welcome relief, telling him that he was needed. Nothing to get out of a tight spot like a last-minute job.

"How fares your betrothed?"

"Pepper is fine, as far as I know. I plan on taking her out tomorrow, for her birthday." Information and a plea. Not that he said please to many people.

"Good, good. It can't be long now."

"Can we please not bring that up?"

"Of course," The woman laughed. "I forget how squeamish you are around children."

"With good reason," He growled.

"Be calm, Merchant. There will be no talk of children until you have them yourself."

"Norns forbid I put her through that." He groaned.

"Like you haven't already, what with that spoiled front you put up? I've taught you well."

"You learned from the best." He acknowledged.

"Let it be known that Loki was not himself. He was deceived and later brainwashed. I suspect that he owes your Berserkr his thanks."

"Of course, my Queen." Tony grinned. "Dr. Banner was more than happy to help."

"Your doctor atones for what was hardly his fault."

"Would you object to telling him that?"

"He is a man of Midgardian science, is he not? He would not believe you if you dared."

"You didn't call me for an update." He noted.

"Patience, Merchant. That who I seek is well within my sights. I called you here for your creativity and persuasion, not your tracking skill."

The Merchant leaned forward.

"You have officially piqued my interest."

"What did she say?" Pepper and Happy waited at the airport and for that, Tony was thankful.

"Nothing too out of the ordinary. have a new assignment but that's all. Why?"

"You're way too happy for this to be a normal assignment, Tony."

"True, but we have guests. I'll tell you later." He assured her with a peck on the cheek as they walked into the building.

"Can't wait to hear it," Pepper chuckled. Her fiance was especially hyper today.

"Where were you today?" As predicted, the team ambushed him in the living room.

"I have a day job." He deadpanned.

"Being Tony Stark is not a day job." Natasha informed him.

He didn't bother responding, and she grabbed his arm, effectively rooting him into place. A flash of heat ran up his arm, allowing him to wrench free as she jerked back, suspicion in her eyes. This is why he can't have nice things...

Change of plans, Merchant. Bring me what you have so far and I'll work with that. Thanos is on the move and to contain him you must first capture him.

Thanos? Why do you need me to capture him when he will inevitably come to you for approval? There are advantages to a situation like this.

The last time Thanos had come around, he had showered the Lady with "gifts" of the dead kind and regaling her with stories of how he would fill her kingdom with new subjects in her honor. Both Death and her Merchant knew how badly that would tip the scales. Life, no matter how cruel, must go on. It is the way of all things. Thanos' master plan would ruin the balance he fought so desperately to uphold. No way was he letting that happen.

He will only come here after he's slaughtered half a realm. Do you wish to make our jobs harder?!

Tony did not want his life to be any harder (or shorter) than it already was. He would like nothing more than to curl up with Pepper and sleep for a year... but that would come later, he decided.

He'll strike the Aesir first, my Queen.

Do as you must. She assured him.

He blinked and found himself back in the common living room with the others staring at him in varying degrees of alarm.

"Pepper!"

"Yes?" She materialized out of what seemed like thin air, causing Steve to jump.

"My newest job requires intervention of the strange kind so I might not be back for a while."

"Good luck, then. I'm sure you'll have a good explanation to give to the Board when you get back."

Tony snorted and rolled his eyes. Lousy bastards.

Thanos was, predictably enough, on Asgard trying to get to Loki. Odin was, predictably enough, trying to make a deal with a devil.

"Some things never change," He yawned as he stepped out of the portal. "And I'm not happy that this is one of them. Don't you have anything better to do than to go after the Trickster? Say… actually find the Tesseract, which neither the Asgardians nor the Midgardians have?"

"I already have the Tesseract, Merchant, and the Trickster must pay for his insolence. No one will outsmart Thanos and get away with it. There is no escape from Death."

It took all of Tony's strength not to burst into laughter. As it were, he managed to keep a straight face.

"The Trickster is dead, Thanos. Ask Queen Hela is you must, because you killed him. All the Asgardians have is an empty shell with no soul. There is nothing on Asgard for you, so your next move should be to cater to the whims of your Lady Death, would they not?"

"Yes, I suppose you're right, Merchant. I will consult with Milady Death and seek her opinion."

"Thanos is on his way, Lady Hela. I had no choice but to lead him here for your judgment else he slaughter all of Asgard in search of the Trickster."

"And we can't have that, lest we wish to be on the other end of the Norns' wrath… you did right, Merchant. Tell Asgard not to worry of Thanos. I have my own plans for him."

"Yes, my Queen." Tony disappeared just as another portal opened, revealing Thanos himself.

"My dear, your Merchant has convinced me to await your orders."

"Has he?" Hela purred, flashing her would-be lover a sharp grin.

"My forces are more than prepared to set about the conquest of the Realms in your favor, my dear. You need simply give your commands."

"I think that can wait until later, Thanos. I have a surprise for you."

The Mad Titan followed her eagerly as she led him through twisting mazes that descended further into darkness.

"I took the liberty of having my Merchant devise a suitable punishment for you, knowing that getting you down here is the easy part. It is containment I have a problem with, and the good Merchant was more than happy to offer his services. I can't wait until you see your new rooms, Thanos. You'll absolutely love what I've planned!" She simpered. By this time, Thanos had realized exactly what she spoke of… and found that he could not escape. Death was permanent, just as he originally intended.

"Why?" He demanded. "How could you-?"

"You would seek to make the Realms devoid of life, you fool! That makes my job harder! I do not need your praise or your so-called "tributes!" The realms must stay just the way they are, and you are the only one who does not comprehend that. Love indeed," Hela sneered. She tossed him into what he originally perceived to be a dungeon, but found that it was much worse…

Hela laughed as she made her way back to her Throne. She would have to congratulate her Merchant later, because his ideas were purely genius!

"Lord Odin,"

"Merchant,"

The King of Asgard sat with his queen at his side, a pleading look on her face. He already knew what she was going to ask.

"Please, tell me the truth. Does my son live?"

"He does, Queen Frigga. His mind will not be right for some time, but he lives."

"Thank you, Merchant."

"Thanos will no longer be a problem. He was. ironically enough, done in by his own stupidity."

"Is that so?" The Alfather mused. "Thank you, Merchant."

You have done well, Merchant. Your next true mission shall not be for some time.

Thank you, my Queen.

He got home to find Loki standing on the balcony Thor used to travel to Asgard in the same chains Tony had seen him wear earlier, for his punishment.

"My mother says you are whom I have to thank for my current position." Loki growled.

"Keep calm, young god, and all will be revealed. I have a plan, you see, and it starts with getting those chains off. Your rehabilitation will not be easy or painless, but it will be worth it by the time I am through. Step inside, Loki Friggason, and I will see how my betrothed feels about offering a room."

For the next few years, Thanos would slowly start to go insane, partly due to the Merchant's interference and partly to being trapped in his own mind…