Nyota felt guilty for it, but she loved the changes in Spock since the destruction of his home world. It seemed like a terrible thing to think, to feel. But he was so beautiful now, even more so than before. He was sensitive, affectionate, tactile. She had loved him before when he'd been aloof and quite distant. God knows she's been accused of being "frigid" herself more than once. His cool demeanour was not antithetical to her own, and was not entirely unwelcome.

But she was human. And as much as she loved, no, adored Spock, it was sometimes difficult to relate to him on a deeper level. She was content that they hadn't rushed into sex. She knew that she had a low libido. She'd even questioned in her younger years whether she was asexual, although she'd since come to realize she wasn't entirely so. It was part of what attracted her to the Vulcan. They were often said to be asexual themselves, although she knew better. Intellectually, sexually, and personally Spock was almost her mirror.

No, it wasn't the lack of sex that bothered her. But it was the lack of physical sensation in general. For a Vulcan, any stray bush of hand on hand was the equivalent to kissing. For Nyota, hand-holding, or a gentle caress was well below a kiss. It was not even sexual at all. It was simply a physical manifestation of an emotional connection, one that she desperately wanted.

Spock tried, he really did. She had to give him credit. When they were alone, he would hold her hand. At his most amorous, he'd spend long minutes interlacing and pressing fingers in the elaborate dance of Vulcan kisses.

But Spock did not enjoy human style kisses. He found them awkward and unhygienic. He'd been a good sport, willing to try and practice off and on. But the entire experience had just been so off-putting for both parties involved that it had quickly desisted.

And Spock did not understand the concept of a cuddle. While watching movies together, Nyota would snuggle up to her Vulcan and press against his side, his arm around her. He tolerated it amicably. He adjusted his body to hers until they fit together efficiently. But he always felt somehow stiff to her, as if the entire procedure were a mystery to him and he derived no satisfaction.

At times she'd felt illogically lonely. There was no reason to feel lonely, she told herself. Spock was right there. He never denied her time when she asked for it. He tried to deny her nothing, truly. He was selfless. It was why she was so besotted with the man. In return, it was the least she could do to be accommodating for his own background. After all, she was a communications officer. She was supposed to be good with alien cultures.

However, that was Spock before the destruction of Vulcan. Now, he was something entirely different.

For the first few weeks, he was more distant than ever. She could hardly blame him. Aside from the trauma of the event itself was the tremendous falling out between Spock and his new captain. There was the debriefing, the memorial services, and the mad scramble to get everyone back into space and well on their way to a first official mission, before any of them had even had time to celebrate their sudden increase in status or to process the profound loss they'd all been through. Honestly, every single being on that ship was damaged in some way, but she supposed that was how it always was in times of war. They were soldiers. They would continue on.

It was about three weeks after the incident that Spock's behaviour changed.

First it was little things. He wanted to be with her in their off-hours time once again. She was delighted to be there for him. She was fully prepared to be his pillar of strength in his time of need. But he did not want to talk about what had happened, or his feelings, or any of that, as she had expected. Well, that was fine. She would at least be there for him.

And she was there for him. All of the time, it seemed.

The movie nights resumed and a much cuddlier Spock emerged. His fingers traced her arms idly, sending tingling kisses over her skin, and his body was relaxed and pliant in a way that it hadn't been before.

They began to share all of their meals together in the mess, next. This was great at first and a little disconcerting at points. One time when Sulu tried to join her for her lunch Spock had given him the meanest Vulcan Death Glare she'd ever seen. Was Spock jealous? He'd never seemed the possessive type before. Normally, Nyota would be a bit bothered by such behaviour in a partner, but with Spock she found the experience to be quite novel. It was that this person could be possessive toward her. Spock, for God's sake, who never showed a slip of emotion to anybody. She certainly wasn't going to discourage him.

She was shocked the first time he offered for her to stay the night in his room. They'd been lying on his bed watching another inane flick that she knew he had no real interest in, and when the movie was over she glanced at the time and saw how late it was. Well, that was her cue to be getting back. Spock never liked sharing a bed while he slept. He had tried in the early days, but he'd complained of a number of problems. Nyota moved in her sleep. He could not meditate properly with another being present. Nyota snored in her sleep (she doubted this accusation). Nyota dreamed, and if he touched her in their mutual sleep he may become disturbed by the transference. And so she'd stopped asking, and always went back to her own room to sleep. It wasn't a big deal really. Her grandparents had had separate bedrooms for as long as she'd known them, and they seemed to be perfectly happy together. Some couples just needed their own space. She got that. But now, suddenly Spock was suggesting she stay.

"Well, it's quite late. I should be getting back." Nyota yawned emphatically, stretching her arms over head. She was glad at least that a starship was so small. When they'd begun dating at Starfleet she'd had a cold and uncomfortable night walk ahead of her. Now it was trivial to return home.

"That is unnecessary." Spock answered. "Indeed, it would be illogical for you to return to your own room, given the hour. I would not be adverse to you spending your time here."

Her eyes widened with shock. "Are you sure? I thought you didn't like me sleeping in the same bed as you."

"I am quite certain. I find your company most pleasant as of late. Reassuring."

Reassuring. Ah, so that was it. Nyota's expression softened. It all made sense to her now. She was an idiot. Of course Spock wanted her now. Almost everyone he'd ever known and love, everything he'd grown to know in life was gone. He was sure to be feeling uneasy and alone lately. She was honoured that he felt safe enough with her to allow her to be here for him now.

"Of course I'll stay, Spock." she smiled, giving his arm a squeeze. She pattered into his shared bathroom, checked that Kirk's door was firmly locked, and readied herself for bed.