A/N: Inspired by Uchihanochidori's BEAUTIFUL work "If You Were Mine", I decided to write my own take on what happens at the end of the manga and afterwards as of chapter 696 and forwards (And because I'm tying up all the loose ends in the Naruto universe on my Sage Wisdom saga, which deviates from the manga by chapter 672 and is thus a completely different story/universe, I'll only focus on Naruto and Sasuke's relationship on this piece).

Ain't gonna be a one piece, though, because I'm off my meds and that makes me prolific.

It ALSO won't be near as angsty and emotionally fulfilling as UchihanoChidori's work because I write like a man (a flaw I'm trying to correct but won't in this fic).

My characters will never be as beautifully complex and able to handle delicate feelings as hers because I am not like that, and neither are any of my male friends. I am a practical, simple, honest person who avoids drama like the plague and believes thoroughly that emotional issues and problems can be dealt with much easier if there is no bullshit involved, and that the hardest thing to break away from is inner homophobia (yep I had to deal with that like any queer person in the face of the Earth has to), which, for me, is the one thing keeping those two little shits from locking themselves in a room and fucking each others' brains out until the end of time.

Expecto comedia, tho. And divers alarum. And enough insults to make a fishmonger blush.

Please read and review, my poor writing can't improve without your feedback. Constructive criticism is hungered for.

They had fought for so long, they were reduced to trading sloppy punches and kicks by now.

Not that that mattered when Sasuke finally dropped Naruto headfirst on a rock, and jumped on top of him, smacking his face over, and over, and over.

The blonde's face was a mess, broken nose, swollen cheeks, forehead covered in purple bumps. Naruto made a gurgling noise with his throat, and Sasuke raised his fist for the punch that would finally rip an artery and drown the blonde on his own blood.

He heaved, closing his eyes, but his arm wouldn't come down.

He snarled, pulled Naruto's collar with his left hand, and prepared again for the final punch, as the blonde's marginally less swollen eye opened a teary fraction. No way would Naruto give Sasuke the satisfaction of not having to see eye to eye with him as he died.

The punch never came.

Sasuke let him go and raised both fists to the sky, screaming in anger as he shook his arms in the air.

"Aaaaaargh! Why the fuck can't I KILL you, gods damn it? SHIT! FUCK! MOTHERFUCKING REBELLIOUS BODY! OBEY ME!" Sasuke hollered, scrunching up his face in obvious pain.

"Be... because…" Naruto coughed blood, and smiled beatifically, "I am your friend."

Sasuke's rants came to a screeching halt.

'Oh, no. Not THAT bullshit again. I might be a fucking pansy-ass coward that can't kill this fucking idiot to save the damn world, but not even I deserve THIS. Not after all I've gone through.' he thought, feeling his body tremble all over with renewed fury as his hands raked down his upturned face.

Nope, he realized as he balled his fists and bit through them. He really wasn't as strong as Itachi. Or as driven as Madara. Or even Obito. His mind was just too weak to overpower the gods damned feelings he had for the usuratonkachi, and his body had again failed to obey it.

In retrospect, he probably should have seen it coming as soon as he made that half-assed decision to fight here, of all fucking places. His stupid brain had just combined with his raging hormones to sabotage his wonderful plans of forcing the ninja world into peace. And they had been such nice, good plans too.

But gods damn it all to hell, if he was going to fail and humiliate himself by acknowledging the inevitable – not only that he couldn't kill the retard, but that said retard wouldn't put him out of his misery; noooo, he had given the son of a bitch plenty opportunities to take him out but the sadistic motherfucker just would not spare him the humiliation, would he? – then he was at least going to do it all the way. No more bullshit. No more pussyfooting around. No more motherfucking euphemisms. He was sick of them.

Just as he set into that resolve, he felt chakra tingling around his optic nerves. Good ole reliable Uchiha eyes.

Naruto was looking at him with the same martyr expression when Sasuke lowered his face. The blonde probably didn't even register the revolving Mangekyou before he fell under the genjutsu.

Sasuke would've patted himself in the back if he weren't so fucking embarrassed of his weakness to the blonde ruining his plans. No matter, he thought as he quickly wove the signs and pulled Naruto's limp hand up for the final rat sign that would break the Infinite Tsukuyomi. If he knew the usuratonkachi – and if there was one fucking thing he was absolutely sure of in all his miserable existence, it was that he knew that blonde piece of shit like the back of his hand – he'd be left alone after this.

The world would still be in the same sorry shitty state it had always been, he wouldn't have been able to prevent more children having their lives utterly destroyed by the political squabbles between clans, ninja villages and countries, but GODS DAMN IT HE WOULD FINALLY BE FREE FROM THE USURATONKACHI AND ALL THOSE DISGUSTING ASSHOLES HE HAD EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET.

It wasn't much, but it was a lot better than nothing, and Uchiha Sasuke was willing to save what little of his dignity he could still keep, right now.

He made a fist out of Naruto's right hand and shoved the index and forefinger of his left in, releasing the Tsukuyomi.

Meanwhile, inside the genjutsu…

Naruto gurgled as Sasuke grabbed his collar again and smashed their noses together.

"I do not love you as a friend, usuratonkachi. Or as a brother. If I did, you would have been dead as a doornail hours ago. I have been perfectly able to kill my own blood brother, remember that? You think I didn't love Itachi while I killed him? You think I killed him in fucking cold blood without a care?" Sasuke growled as he shook Naruto back and forward like a sack of potatoes.

Naruto by now was seeing four Sasukes in front of him, spinning. He nodded in general agreement, hoping the man would stop shaking his head back and forth, then quickly shook his head in response to Sasuke's menacing scowl.

It seemed to work, because Sasuke let go of his collar and even if his brain complained from the sharp pain when his head hit the rock he was against again, Naruto felt relieved to be able to open his mouth wide and try to force some much needed air down his battered trachea to his lungs.

Sasuke crossed his arms, still sitting on top of Naruto's stomach, and gave him a defying glare.

"But..." Naruto croaked after coughing up more blood, his throat wheezing with the effort to breathe, "You said I was your closest" he spit sideways, "friend…"

"Oh, you are my closest friend, usuratonkachi" Sasuke said angrily, nodding, and then turned his head away, "What you are has nothing to do with what I feel for you. You think I wouldn't be able to kill you if I didn't love you more than I loved Itachi? Shit, didn't you fucking understand it yet? What the hell did I come over here with you and make a fucking thirty minute speech for? Didn't you fucking agree that you knew what was in my damn heart just like I knew what was in yours?"

(Back in the real world, Sasuke got up and ran away so fast that he could feel his heels kicking his own butt. But he refused to cry as he ran.)

Naruto looked at the Uchiha quizzically. "Uh, yeah?" he asked, regretting it instantly, because Sasuke grabbed his jacket and pulled him up again.

"THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU USING THAT HALF-ASSED FRIEND BULLSHIT, YOU GOIT?" the Uchiha screamed at his face and started shaking him back and forth again, "I. DO. NOT. LOVE. YOU. AS. A. FRIEND! YOU. ARE. NOT. MY. BROTHER! I. AM. FUCKING. IN. LOVE. WITH. YOU, YOU BLITHERING, WINDOW-LICKING, MOUTH-BREATHING, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING, SLACK-JAWED, RETARDED NINCOMPOOP!" Sasuke hollered, holding their faces close enough for his spit to hit Naruto's widening eyes as he screamed the last word, then let go of his jacket with a disgusted look on his face.

(In the real world, the sound of running feet could be heard approaching Naruto's still body.)

Naruto fell back, too stunned to say or think anything, looking at Sasuke's angry, heaving figure straddling him, outlined in the setting sun, as if seeing him for the first time.

Now, Naruto wasn't exactly a complete nimrod per se, it was just that he had always been so terrified of rejection that he often interpreted his own feelings in the more socially acceptable light. Gods knew he had had enough problems being accepted by his peers due to being Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki, and if there was one lesson he quickly learned in his short life was that the only socially acceptable relationship between two males was simple, platonic friendship.

Kakashi's freaking out to the very idea of romantic love between men had quickly taught him the proper way to deal with that particular subject, no matter what Lee said that Gai had said, or that none of the other friends present had reacted the same way. Kakashi was the adult in the situation, so obviously he would serve as his role-model for acceptable behavior.

So his interpretation of Sasuke's feelings towards him had to be that Sasuke saw him as his best friend period, because they were the exact same feelings Naruto had towards Sasuke, and Sasuke was only Naruto's best friend, right? The only person Naruto had, er, deeper feelings for was Sakura, right?

Right?

Because come on, he had NEVER felt love for Sasuke the way Sakura did, and Sakura surely had to love Sasuke for real, in a romantic sense, right?

Because romantic love was pure unrequited passion, the need to grab the focus of your attention and put it in your pocket and keep hugging it and make it yours no matter what, not being interested on knowing the person because you admire their character, and feeling challenged by interacting with that person, and trying to grow stronger and better to be recognized by that person, and doing your best to help that person be happy just to see them happy without having the need to own said person because their happiness has become vital to your own happiness, and the physical excitement and pleasure that ringed through your body just from being close to that person and knowing that what you felt for them was what they felt for you made you feel like you caught fire just because that was just a normal side effect of friendship, right?

RIGHT?

Hinata's confession scene at the battle with Pain sprung up on his mind.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

All of a sudden those strange reactions he got from every single one of his friends, except Sakura, whenever he declared his disinterested friendship for Sasuke, made sense.

Crap, Hinata never pursuing him like Sakura pursued Sasuke after she had confessed her love for him at that battle made sense, now.

Hinata was in love with him, but she knew he loved someone else. And, because she knew that, she wouldn't stand in the way of his happiness, just like he had always stepped aside for Sakura when it came to Sasuke, because… because…

He had always been so deeply in love with Sasuke, he'd gladly do anything that made that bastard happy, even if it meant letting someone else have him.

Just like Hinata was so deeply in love with him, she'd gladly let someone else have him if that made him happy.

Problem was, he now realized that the reason behind Sasuke's constant rejection towards Sakura wasn't that the bastard shied away from her to deny himself a shot at romantic love.

Nope, Sasuke rejected Sakura because he really had never loved her or wanted to love her romantically at all.

Because Sasuke had been in love with Naruto the whole time. So much in love, in fact, he could never hope to achieve his plans of forcefully pacifying the world by becoming its most powerful enemy if it meant he had to be Naruto's enemy as well.

And he knew Naruto loved him back just as strongly.

And that is why even though he had tried to kill Naruto three times, he had never been able to, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself he had to. Just like Naruto had never been able to make himself accept killing Sasuke was an option, no matter how obviously insane the man was; just like Naruto had confessed to Sakura he wasn't trying to bring Sasuke back only because of his promise to her when he rejected her half-baked love confession to him.

That was also the reason he had brought up his promise to Sakura as his excuse for not killing Sasuke to everyone but Sakura, especially Kakashi.

(Back in the real world, Kakashi and Sakura had finally reached Naruto's still body, and Sakura was bending over him, crying, as Kakashi searched around trying to sense Sasuke's chakra signature.)

Naruto felt Sasuke bend quietly towards him with an expectant look on his face, supporting his upper body by bracing his arms on the ground beside Naruto's shoulders.

Naruto instinctively wet his lips, and reached for Sasuke's head when he heard his name being called softly.

"Naruto?"

He pulled Sasuke's face closer, and Sasuke looked at his lips, opening his own a fraction.

"Stay with me" was all Naruto heard before he closed the space between them, and kissed Sasuke's lips, closing his eyes.

He felt a startled gasp breaking the kiss, and whispered Sasuke's name, before he felt small hands shoving him back down.

He opened his eyes, and saw Sakura giving him a hurt look over her blushing cheeks.

Oh, GREAT. Motherfucking sneaky Uchiha had him under a genjutsu through his whole confession, and he had fucking kissed Sakura by accident, instead of the bastard.

"Uh, Sakura-chan…" he started, but was interrupted by Kakashi.

"Naruto, you're alive! Where the hell is Sasuke?" the former copy-nin asked, kneeling by his side at the same time Sakura stood up and turned away from him.

Naruto cleared his throat.

"He, er, he's gone." He said, lamely.

"Where is he?" Kakashi asked, helping him back up on his feet.

Naruto looked around forlornly, and lowered his head.

"I don't know. But… he gave up on his idea. He won't be a threat to us anymore." Naruto explained, feeling dejected.

Of course the Uchiha had bolted. Shit, he had known what was in Naruto's heart all along, he wouldn't have stayed to have his confession rejected because of Naruto's fear of social rejection. He would have tried to at least salvage what little dignity he could.

"Aren't you going after him?" Sakura asked coldly, her back still turned.

Naruto pondered on that for a minute, and found out he couldn't do it. He felt like a coward, but he just couldn't face the public repercussion on his true feelings for Sasuke, especially since even though he knew the Uchiha reciprocated, that alone didn't mean he wanted to be with him. And even if he did, he wouldn't want to… date… (he winced at the term, but what other could he use?) Naruto in secret. Sasuke was too proud and too honest for that.

More honest than Naruto felt he could be right now.

So he gave Sakura the only answer he could.

"No, Sakura-chan. I'm sorry. I did all I could to bring him back to you, but I failed. I can't do it anymore. If you want him that much, you'll have to go get him yourself."

Sakura turned angry eyes at him, but he faced her calmly. What else could he say? "Sorry to break your bubble, Sakura-chan, but Sasuke likes dick, specifically, my dick, so if I try to force him into marrying you and fulfilling your romantic dreams he'll probably force me to marry him, and I ain't gonna be able to put much of a fight there, what with me being a giant homo for him and all."?

Or "Whoops, sorry about all those times I asked you to date me, Sakura-chan, but your prince charming swings for the other team, and by the way, so do I."?

Kakashi was looking at him like he had grown a second head.

"You are giving up? You are going back on your word? But your nindo…" he mumbled.

"Kakashi-sensei, Ero-sennin told me way back when I first wanted to go after Sasuke that it wasn't going to work, that I couldn't just force people to do something they obviously didn't want to or stop them from doing what they wanted. He said I could only do so much, and had to compromise because some things are just unattainable. Sasuke gave up on turning into the world's greatest evil. He won't bother us or anyone else again. I think… I think I have to be thankful to have gotten that much out of him." Naruto said in a thoughtful voice, "I have spent all my life chasing after him selfishly like a little kid. In the end, he gave up on his childish egomaniac plans, so, to make it even for him, yes, I'm giving up the chase. I think I owe him that much, so that is my compromise."

Kakashi came close to him, and suddenly pulled him into a hug.

"Welcome to adulthood, Naruto."