Chapter 3: Sex-Ed with Snape

"I don't know if I can do this," Neville said glumly, sitting in the farthest seat from the front of the classroom. Harry and Ron sat in the second-to-last row, in front of their friend, and Ron turned with a sly look in his eye.

"Don't worry, Neville," he said, grinning goodnaturedly, "I happen to have a couple of those Stink Bug Bombs that I confiscated from a second year the other day. If things get out of hand, I imagine that even the Greasy Git won't force us to be in a class that smells like..well...a word that rhymes with 'class.'"

Harry, Seamus and Dean laughed loudly and even Neville cracked a slight smile at Ron's insinuation.

As the last couple of students trickled into the classroom, the air seemed to get colder. Without warning, a door near the front of the class banged open and the black-clad Defense Professor strode out, looking as menacing and sour as ever.

He turned to the class before him and motioned with his hand, slamming the door at the back of the room. A lock clicked into place and he sneered as he swept up to the podium, daring the students to say anything. The dead silence that greeted him seemed to satisfy him, and he cleared his throat.

"I have been tasked with the odious chore of educating you on matters of...human reproduction," Snape drawled, his sharp eyes daring anyone to snicker.

"Sir?" Draco simpered from the front and center.

"You have a question?"

"My father says that the Ministry will only be approving marriages of like-blood matches," he said haughtily.

"That is not a question, Mr. Malfoy," Snape replied darkly, "And before you start speaking of marriage, you might consider learning a modicum of self control. I trust that you will not need to be reminded again."

The boy shrank back in his seat as though he had been slapped and Harry couldn't help but grin at Malfoy's reaction.

"You find my class funny, Potter? Well maybe you'll find losing ten points from Gryffindor as funny as I do," Snape said harshly, "Now let us begin, or I shall have to hold you back through part of the lunch hour."

He pulled his wand and distributed the Ministry pamphlets, which were blue and featured a drawing of a wizard in work robes on the front waving to a witch holding a baby, with a small child half hiding behind her apron. The wizard appeared to be, ostensibly, on his way to his job. "Only YOU Can Ensure the Endurance of the Wizarding World" read the title.

Harry and Ron exchanged dubious looks, but they weren't the only ones.

The inside of the pamphlet had a number of euphemisms for male body parts and focused on stressing virginity until marriage to a like-blooded witch.

There was even a page with word problems on it. The instructions were to match like witches with their proper wizard companions, so that pure and half-blooded lines would endure.

Even Snape looked at the pamphlet as though he were contemplating setting it on fire.

He cleared his throat.

"Because I do not wish to have to brew certain types of potions for Madame Pomfrey, I suppose I should present the facts to the best of my ability. As you are all obviously adept at jerking off from the amount of time you appear to spend doing so instead of completing your homework assignments, and you no doubt understand that Tab A may be inserted into Slots B, C and D, I shall go right into various types of horrific diseases and the potions used to cure or treat them. I do not wish to repeat myself, so if you would like to make sure that your first intimate encounter does not end with a green, dismembered member, I suggest you write with haste."

There was no time for the students to say much or even react to the embarrassing terms used by the sour-faced professor as he went through a terrifying list of diseases and their symptoms for the rest of class. Neville wasn't the only one who looked distinctly ill by the time Snape dismissed them with a two foot essay on venereal diseases due the next morning.

"Out!" Snape bellowed, when it seemed that a couple brave students were attempting to ask additional questions.

And with that, he cleared the notes from the board with a flick of his wand and stormed furiously out the side door with a crash.

"Ugh! If that is what I have to look forward to, I never want to snog a girl!" Ron said shrilly as they escaped the classroom.

"I'll take my chances," Dean said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively as Ginny and Hermione met them at the end of the hall near the stairs.

"Hi, Ron!" Hermione said brightly, "I want to know if-"

"Stay away! " Ron cried, his face as white as a sheet, "There is no way I'm going to risk having my...Little Ron...rot right off my body!"

And with that, he ran past them and down the stairs in a panic.

"Do I even want to know?" Hermione said crossly, furrowing her brow and crossing her arms.

"I can't believe he calls it Little Ron," Neville said incredulously, and Harry just shook his head.

"I wouldn't put too much stock in what Snape says in class," Ginny said reproachfully, "It's fairly obvious to most anyone that he has absolutely no personal experience in the subject, after all. I would expect that my father would be a far better expert on the subject of he weren't so obsessed with daft muggle contraceptive technology I mean, have you ever seen muggle condoms? Imagine placing a balloon on your willy and hoping for the best! No wonder muggles are everywhere!"

Everyone, even a couple of passing Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff students had a hearty laugh at this, and with that, everyone went back to the Great Hall to eat their lunch and compare notes, glad to be free of the embarrassing subject matter...for the moment.

Author's Note: Well, that was fun! I hope you enjoyed this little story! Not sure if I should continue or not. I'd love to hear your thoughts!