At Least I Got a Goodbye

Note: AU set after the season 6 finale.

Three years had passed since Richard Castle's accident.

Three years with no body, no answers. Kate Beckett held out as long as she could, as long as she had the strength for, but after a year of searching, she finally had to admit – to herself, as much as anyone else – that her beloved wasn't coming back.

Every lead became a dead end. Every time Kate thought she was on the verge of a discovery, she came up empty. As painful as going to bed without Rick was, that pain paled in comparison to what she felt knowing she'd probably never find out the truth.

The only thing that kept Kate going was her job, her solemn duty to walk into the 12th every day and solve murders. If she couldn't have the comfort and closure that came with answers about Rick's death, then she would do everything she could to make sure other grieving families and lovers never had to go without.

She buried herself in her work. She stopped socializing with the others. She shut herself off from Esposito and Ryan. She barely said a word to Gates, unless it pertained to a case. She barely even talked to Lanie anymore.

Kate just went to work, solved her cases, and returned to her apartment. Occasionally, she would swing by the cemetery, visit her mother's grave – or maybe even the memorial she helped erect for Castle, even though there was no body. She wanted there to be something for his loved ones to remember him.

Kate led a quiet, spartan life. She tried being there for Alexis and Martha at first, but about a year ago, Martha's health took a turn for the worse. Six months ago, they buried Martha, and if Kate was being perfectly honest, she hadn't seen Alexis since.

One by one, her family was being taken from her.

Most nights unfolded like this: drink in hand, ball game muted on the TV. Her personal murder board open, Richard Castle's promotional photo front and center. Even with the investigation going nowhere, with no new information over the past 18 months, Kate couldn't bring herself to take it all down. Every time she tried, this weight on her chest would overwhelm her.

Every once in a while, she thought about calling Dr. Burke. Would he still help? Could he?

The buzz of her phone broke the silence and startled Kate out of her trance. She stared at the table, the viewscreen of her phone just out of eyesight. The phone buzzed and buzzed, moving slightly along the table before abruptly going silent.

A pang of guilt hit Kate; what if that was a case? She couldn't ignore her duty; no matter how bad she hurt, no matter how much life she'd lost in the past three years, she would never turn her back on her badge or those in need of answers. She grabbed the phone, her thumb hovering over the screen when she heard a knock on her door.

Kate frowned. She never had visitors. Hell, hardly anyone knew she was living in this apartment again. She finished off her glass, heaving a weary sigh as she set the glass on the table. Reluctantly, she rose to her feet and shuffled her way toward the door.

Her heart skipped a beat when she swung open the door and saw the young redhead standing before her. Alexis was almost as tall as Kate, but she seemed so much smaller right now, her eyes red and puffy. Her fingers were shaking.

Kate blinked. The heaviness in her chest returned. "Alexis," she whispered. "H-hi…"

Alexis sniffled, hoisting a black bag over her shoulder. "Hey," she glanced at the floor. "I, uh, I don't mean to bother you, it's just—"

"No, it's okay," Kate forced a smile that didn't meet her dark, heavy eyes. "Come in."

Alexis hesitated, then crossed the threshold into Kate's apartment. She gave a sheepish smile as the door shut and Kate returned to the couch, her legs curling under her as she sat. She smiled again, a little warmer this time.

"How's grad school?"

Alexis joined Kate on the couch with a sigh. "I think I liked Columbia better."

Kate nodded, her eyes fixated on the empty bottle at the edge of the table. "I'd offer you a drink, but…" her voice trailed off, her eyes darting about. She suddenly felt wracked with guilt; part of her felt she should've taken better care of Alexis in Rick's absence, but she was so wrapped up in her own pain that she sometimes forgot about his daughter and mother.

She almost yelped when she felt Alexis wrap her arms around her shoulders, pulling her in for a tight hug. The redhead sniffled and squeezed Kate, who eventually returned the embrace once the shock wore off.

"I missed you," Alexis whispered.

"I—" Kate swallowed. "I missed you too. I'm sorry, I…"

"No, I get it," Alexis released her grip, giving Kate a sad smile. "It's not like I've been little miss social butterfly since Gram died." She cast a sideways glance at her bag, biting her lower lip. "I've…I've been busy too."

Kate watched with a furrowed brow as Alexis dug into her bag. The redhead produced a laptop with a device for digital memory cards, flipping the computer open and connecting the USB cord. "You remember the key?"

Kate nodded, unable to find words.

"I did some digging over the summer, and it led me to a bank in Montreal," Alexis explained, wiping away a couple tears. Her voice shook. "The key was for a safety deposit box. In the box, there were three envelopes…one for me, one for Gram, and one for you."

Alexis produced a memory card from the bag. "Each envelope had one of these in it."

Kate sat, mouth agape. At first, she was speechless. How did no one else notice this? How was it Alexis made this breakthrough three years after the fact, by herself, when professionally-trained investigators at both the NYPD and the FBI came up empty? Alexis was smart and resourceful – apparently, much more resourceful than Kate knew.

"What's on it?"

Alexis sighed, her eyes averting Kate. Tears welled up in her eyes anew, the fingers holding the memory card trembling. As if by some maternal instinct, Kate grabbed Alexis' wrist and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Alexis," her tone was still soft, but with a touch of urgency. "What's on it?"

Alexis took a deep breath, forcing herself to look Kate in the eyes as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Watch." She slid the memory card into the appropriate slot, and the screen illuminated. Kate almost recoiled at the sight of her lover, worn and weary, sitting in front of the camera. His eyes were dark, borderline hollow, as if whatever he'd endured was threatening to suck the life out of him.

"Kate, if you are seeing this," he sighed, "well, if you are seeing this, I'm probably dead. I want you to know I never intended to leave you, not like this, not on our wedding day…but I…I…it wasn't my choice. I wish I could tell you what's going on, I…wish I could explain. But just know that I love you. I've always loved you. Always."

Alexis paused the video and Kate immediately burst into tears. She'd cried over the years since Rick's disappearance, but nothing like the emotional demons she was exorcising right now. Her violent, body-wracking sobs came out in silence; it wasn't until Alexis wrapped her into another embrace that Kate let out a wail of pain.

The detective clutched at Alexis' shoulders, the tears streaming down her face. Through the haze of her tears, Kate could still see Rick's face on the monitor. She could see the love in his eyes even though the screen, and she buried her face into the nape of Alexis' neck again. Alexis began crying as well, giving Kate a hard squeeze.

Slowly, Alexis ended the embrace, keeping her hands on Kate's shoulders. Kate brushed hair out of her face, sniffling once the sobs subsided into a series of smaller, but equally painful, cries. She couldn't tear her eyes off the screen.

There he was. Her lover. Her partner. Her friend. Assuaging all over her doubts that had built up over the years. The evidence in the immediate aftermath of his disappearance had been pretty damning – so much, in fact, that some at the 12th never forgave him – but now, for the first time since the crash, Kate had no doubts.

Rick had loved her all along. Always.

"I'm sorry," Kate sniffled, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry…"

"What? No…" Alexis whispered.

"I doubted him," Kate admitted, tears dripping down her cheeks anew. "I knew in my heart what was true and right and yet…I still doubted him."

"You were supposed to," Alexis brushed off a tear of her own. "It was your job."

Kate forced herself to sit upright, tucking strands of hair behind her ears. She wiped at her eyes again before pointing at the laptop. "Is there anything else on here?"

"No," Alexis sighed. "The ones he left for me and Gram were pretty much the same."

Kate nodded, staring at the image of Richard Castle on the monitor again. She couldn't tear her eyes away from it, no matter how hard she tried. It was the first tangible evidence of his existence since the crash, and she didn't want to let it go – even if it led nowhere.

"Well," she whispered, giving Alexis a sad smile, "at least I got a goodbye…"

Not sure of what to say, Alexis took Kate's hand into her own and gave it a squeeze. Awkward as things might've been between them from time to time, Alexis was always fond of Kate, and vice versa. Kate leaned back into the couch as Alexis rested her head on the detective's shoulder, their fingers still interlocked. The room fell silent, save for the rain smacking against the windows.

Kate was still crying, silently, biting her lower lip. She gave Alexis a sideways glance and squeezes her hand. Her voice cracked when she went to speak, and she cleared her throat. "I, uh," she sighed, "I'm thinking of leaving."

Alexis sat up with a frown, but didn't say anything.

"I'm gonna request a transfer," she admitted. "There's nothing for me at the 12th anymore. I can still solve murders somewhere else in New York, just…not there."

"Too much baggage," Alexis nodded in understanding, "Fresh start. I get it."

"I mean," Kate sat up, "I'll still be around. I mean, if you ever wanted to come by or meet up or anything, I'd still be here. I wouldn't really be going anywhere…"

"Kate," Alexis smiled. "It's totally okay. Really. I've still got another year on my Master's work. And it's not like Harvard's that far. That's the great thing about New England…you drive for, like, an hour and you can wind up just about anywhere."

Kate cringed. "You sure?"

"You do whatever you need to do," Alexis pulled Kate in for another hug.

Kate closed her eyes, still amazed after all these years how mature and wise Alexis was. It was hard to believe she was related to the man she fell in love with, considering they were such opposites in so many ways. Kate never saw herself as Alexis' mother figure, per se, but more as a big sister.

She hoped, if nothing else, that would continue.

"You know you can come to me any time you need anything," Kate said as the hug ended. "Anything at all."

"Of course," Alexis smiled again. "And you always know where to find me.

"Always."