Clean Slate

Star Trek Voyager Fan Fiction (Season 5/6)
On a routine mission to a nearby planet, an accident robs Captain Kathryn Janeway of her memories. The start to her new life is accompanied by the only woman she feels she can trust. But what does that mean when Kathryn isn't even sure she can trust herself?
No copyright infringement intended. Purely for fun.
Written by LaughingLee (Stand alone piece)

LLLLL

The woman slowly opened her eyes. She was lying in a tangled heap between the roots of a large purple-green tree. With one hand she pushed herself to a sitting position. A wave of dizziness hits her and she briefly squeezes her eyes shut. Trees tower over her with a bright blue sky above. The woman looked down and noticed she was wearing a black and red uniform. She fingered her hair and saw it was red-brown and reached to above her shoulders. It took a bit of effort, her legs didn't want to move, but she managed to get up.

The only thing the woman was certain of was that she knew nothing. Her name, where she was, how she got there, it all alluded her. A spike of fear travelled down her spine, but she quickly brought it under control.

"Being frightened of nothing helps no-one," she muttered and was happy at least her own voice sounded familiar.

The branches to her left moved and a woman with blonde hair emerged between the massive leaves. She was focused on a tricorder in her hand. The auburn-haired woman was very happy to see another person and noticed the newcomer had the same style of clothing, but with a black and yellow jacket instead.

"Captain, this is a nice surprise," the blonde said and smiled widely. "I didn't realise you were exploring on your own. Find any fascinating organisms?"

The auburn-haired woman didn't know what to say. Her first reaction on seeing the blonde was relief, but there was something more. She felt her heart contract when the younger woman smiled.

"Do you know who I am?" the auburn-haired woman asked. She took a few steps closer, but flinched as a sharp pain lanced through her neck. The blonde was by her side in seconds and gently took her arm.

"You're hurt," she said and carefully helped her sit down on the nearest tree stump. "Is it your neck? I'm going to take a look."

The woman nodded and tilted her head forward. She felt the blonde's hands gingerly push away her hair and a spark ran down her spine when the woman's fingers touched the base of her neck. She glanced up and was greeted by a warm smile from her companion.

"It looks like something stung you. I can see a small red puncture wound." The blonde briefly touched the woman's arm. "What happened?"

"I don't know," the auburn-haired woman replied. She tried to keep her voice from trembling, but the blind panic from earlier returned. "I can't remember anything. I don't know my name, where I am. What's happened to me?"

The blonde's frown deepened, but she quickly hid her fear and smiled reassuringly. "I'm not sure. But, you have nothing to worry about. The Doctor will be able to sort out whatever's caused your memory loss. In the mean time, I can fill you in on the basics. Does that sound like a plan?"

The woman nodded and her heart started beating normally again. This blonde-haired stranger had an amazing effect on her. She felt calm simply sitting next to her.

"Great, let's start with you," the blonde said and paused to gather her thoughts. "Your name is Kathryn Janeway and you're the Captain of Voyager, a Federation starship. We're in the Delta Quadrant and we're trying to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. How we got here is a whole other story which I think we can skip for now." The blonde smiled and the auburn-haired woman couldn't help but grin as well. "This planet is part of a small solar system we're investigating. Voyager's sensors detected traces of dilithium – quite a scarce resource which we desperately need. A few away teams were chosen and we're busy searching for those deposits. Does any of this sound familiar?"

"No, nothing. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," the blonde woman replied quickly. A wide grin spread across her face. "You're actually in a very unique position. You can start from scratch – choose a new name, be whoever you want to be. Some people would envy that." The blonde woman was very happy to see her Captain chuckle.

"A new name, you say?" The auburn-haired woman smiled. She made to stand and the younger woman quickly helped her up. "What would you pick?"

"I've always liked Kathryn."

The auburn-haired woman wouldn't have noticed her companion's slight blush if she hadn't been standing so close to her. "Then I think I'll keep it."

"You were probably stung by an insect or plant or something," the blonde woman said. She shook herself mentally, trying to remember she was helping her Captain. "We should get back to Voyager so that the Doctor can treat you."

"You forgot something." The auburn-haired woman liked seeing the cute frown on her companion's face. "You never told me who you were."

"Oh, I'm Ensign Lee Roberts," the younger woman replied as she helped Kathryn over another fallen branch. "Everyone calls me Ensign Lee. I crawl around inside Voyager fixing stuff."

The women made slow, but steady progress between the mass of purple greenery. Kathryn was still unsure on her feet and they made steady, but slow progress. Lee took the opportunity to tell Kathryn more about Voyager and her crew. But, Kathryn was more interested in her current and only friend and they ended up talking about Lee's days at Starfleet Academy.

"I can't believe you did that!" Kathryn exclaimed. She looked up at her grinning companion from her perch on a lower branch.

"Captain Janeway didn't believe me either when I told her the first time," Lee replied with a laugh. The women stood up and started walking again. "Don't let my friendly smile fool you. I'm don't like being treated unfairly and that lecturer knew never to be so cruel or vindictive to any of us again."

"Was he reformed before or after he removed all the naked holographic projections from his teaching material?" Kathryn asked between chuckles.

"Before, of course. It took him weeks to correct all his data." Lee laughed, remembering the scowl on the lecturer's face each time he opened his slides. "It was actually an easy fix, but I wasn't volunteering my help."

They made good progress through the trees, but Lee could see Kathryn was taking strain and refusing to complain. The Ensign motioned to a nearby rock and the women sat in silence for a few minutes. The forest was quite beautiful and Kathryn took the time to enjoy it. A slight breeze lifted the purple tinted leaves and made the smaller branches sway. Kathryn closed her eyes and wondered at her sense of calm. She couldn't recall anything about herself or her life. But, it didn't seem to be an insurmountable problem. Kathryn opened her eyes and studied Lee. It was because of her she felt safe.

"Lee," Kathryn started, not sure how appropriate her question would be. "How well did we …. How well did you know Captain Janeway? Were you friends?"

A flash of panic sprinted across Lee's face before an open smile graced her features. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm not sure." The auburn-haired woman frowned, struggling to find the right words to describe her inexplicable sense of familiarity around the Ensign.

Before she could continue, a crash resounded from the trees in front of them. The noise came closer and a black-haired man burst into the small clearing. He took one look at the two women sitting together and scowled in Lee's direction. The tattoo over his eye made the frown even more severe and Lee stood up.

"Commander Chakotay, we were on our way to join you. There's been an incident and I need to take …"

"Ensign Lee, report to your team leader," the Commander barked, sparing a glance at Kathryn. "We have a mission to complete and spending time looking at the scenery is not part of it."

Lee shifted her feet, but stood her ground. She clenched her teeth before saying, "Commander, there's something you need to understand. The Captain …"

"Is none of your concern. Report to your duties. That's an order, Ensign." The anger in Chakotay's eyes was obvious.

Kathryn was about to intervene when more people entered their small clearing. One was a tall Vulcan and the other a woman with some definite Klingon heritage if the ridges on her forehead were any indication.

"Captain! I'm glad we finally found you," Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres said. She frowned at the glare Chakotay sent her way, but ignored it. "The magnetic fields of this rock are giving us more problems than we originally thought. Besides disrupting our transport systems, it's messing with the sled engines as well. It's going to take a few hours more to get the dilithium deposits back to the ship. If we find any."

"We may have an added safety risk as well," Tuvok continued. "There have been sightings of indiginous wildlife by several crewmen. I believe the search parties should be recalled and more stringent measures taken before we carry on with our mission."

Kathryn's mind was reeling. She only caught some of the meaning behind what these uniformed people were saying, but the expectations were clear. They wanted her to be someone she no longer was.

"Stop." Ensign Lee moved too quickly for Kathryn to have registered it, but she was glad for the human shield between her and the others. Chakotay opened his mouth to bark another command, but Lee was a few words ahead of him.

"No, listen to me. This isn't Captain Janeway." Lee smiled quickly at Kathryn. "I mean, it is, but something's happened to her. Kathryn doesn't remember who she is or anything about Voyager. I need to get her to the Doctor as soon as possible."

"There is no time to waste," Tuvok said, his frown unchanged. "Why have you delayed seeking medical assistance?"

Lee refrained from looking at Chakotay, but answered, "I had trouble completing my sentences." Lee made to move past the senior officers, but a grunt stopped her.

"Ensign Lee, you are still going to return to your duties," Chakotay said before turning his back on her to face Tuvok and B'Elanna. "We're going to put this entire mission on hold until we know for certain what's going on. I'll take the Captain to the Doctor myself."

Kathryn could see Lee was fighting against an impulse to yell at the tattooed man. She was impressed by the blonde's self-control. "Could I say something?" The group of Starfleet crew turned to her. "Lee told me this mission is important, that the resource you need is critical. It would be unreasonable to stop everything because one person was involved in an accident. A non-life threatening accident, I might add. Commander Chakotay, as the most senior person besides the Captain I believe you should continue to oversee the mission here. Ensign Lee can take me to Doctor …" Kathryn turned to Lee. "What did you say his name was?"

"He hasn't decided on one yet. We just call him the Doctor." Lee smiled at the confused look on Kathryn's face. Her grin quickly disappeared when she felt Chakotay's glare on her again.

"As I was saying, my memory is lost for the time being, but bringing everything to a halt won't change that fact. You should continue with the mission."

"That is the most logical course of action," Tuvok said and turned to the Commander. "We should still caution the crew and have the search parties consist of at least three crewman each."

"Lee can take me to the Doctor before returning to her duties," Kathryn interjected. She held Chakotay's gaze and he reluctantly agreed. The senior officers started discussing the safest and quickest way to get the dilithium deposits back to Voyager. Lee led the way and she and Kathryn moved off towards the transport site.

"Why doesn't Commander Chakotay like you?" Kathryn asked when they had been walking for a few minutes.

Lee burst out laughing. "Was it that obvious?"

"Absolutely. He practically had his eyes set on kill every time he glanced your way."

"Maybe no-one else notices because it's been like that for a while," Lee murmured almost to herself. She held a branch out of Kathryn's way. "Don't worry about it. There's been a slight misunderstanding."

"What happened?"

Lee was saved from answering as they moved out from the dense brush. The transport site was bustling with various crew members going about their duties. The Ensign had a quick discussion with the crewman on duty at the control panel. The site was no more than a quickly built beacon with added power couplings to boost the link with Voyager. It served to counter the planet's magnetic field and acted as the away mission's base of operations.

The women moved to the centre of the transport pad and Kathryn glanced at Lee. "You are going to tell me about the Chakotay thing sooner or later."

"Is that an order?" Lee asked and the women chuckled as they disappeared in a blue shimmer.

LLLLL

"Call me Zookeeper Lee!"

Kathryn and the Doctor looked up from the computer screen as a figure practically jumped through Sickbay's doors. Ensign Lee was covered in purple tree sap and had a few nasty scratches over her face. Her sleeves were rolled up and Kathryn could see more cuts and bruises.

"It had me running around like a maniac, but I finally caught one," Lee continued, depositing a small metal cage on the nearest biobed. "I think it's something between a snake and an insect."

"We should leave the analysis to those of us who actually have some knowledge in xenobiology," the Doctor remarked drily, but he couldn't hide the glint in his eye. The prospect of studying something new always excited him. "You're sure this is the creature that attacked the Captain?"

Lee rolled her eyes behind the Doctor's back and Kathryn surpressed a grin. "Yes, Doctor. Otherwise I wouldn't have chased this thing through a tropical forest and got slapped repeatly in the face by branches. It has the same kind of appendage that made the mark on Kathryn's neck."

"I'll start studying it immediately. I'll run through the normal scans first and then …" The Doctor became lost in his own musings and moved the cage to the main biobed. He quickly erected a forcefield and started gathering the necessary tricorders and scanners.

"You're hurt," Kathryn said, concern furrowing her brow. She had moved next to Lee and couldn't miss the blood. "We should get the Doctor to look at these cuts."

Lee took Kathryn's wrist before she could move towards a very focused medical hologram. "Kathryn, it's all right. A few scratches never killed anyone." The Ensign looked down at the arm she was holding and quickly let go. She felt a flush creep to her cheeks and tried to disguise it. "A dermal regenerator will fix it up in no time."

"All right, but sit still and I'll do it." Kathryn moved to the nearest drawer and pulled out the correct tool. She knew her smile had lit up her whole face when she saw the Ensign enter Sickbay. The auburn-haired woman would be having a serious talk with Lee in the near future.

"You don't have to do this, really," Lee said, but was firmly made to sit down on the biobed.

"Of course I do," Kathryn replied, carefully inspecting the cuts on Lee's face and arms. She looked up into the blonde's bright blue eyes. "You went back to that planet to catch a possibly very dangerous organism for my benefit. And, you've been nothing but kind to me since this whole thing started."

"You're making it sound like I'm some kind of hero," Lee joked, grinning widely.

"I wouldn't go that far," Kathryn said and smiled in return, her eyes crinkled in mirth. "But, you have been a great help. Everyone else is treating me like I'm still Captain Janeway and will return to normal any minute. It's a lot of pressure. You've simply accepted the situation and that's been wonderful. Thank you." Kathryn had to turn away from the look of pure happiness in Lee's eyes. She carefully tilted the Ensign's face and brought the dermal regenerator closer. "Now sit still while I try and work on this face you've managed to turn into a jigsaw puzzle."

"So you're making me beautiful again?" Lee said, trying to keep her tone light. It was very difficult being this close to Kathryn. She could smell her perfume and Lee desperately wanted to put her arms around the older woman. Instead she moved her hands under her legs on the bed.

"Again? Were you that before?" Kathryn quipped.

"Wow, I think that hurt more than being stunned by all those purple monsters that planet calls trees."

The teasing continued as Kathryn slowly worked on all the tiny cuts and some larger bruises. She was glad for the light conversation. It helped her ignore the intense beating in her chest.

LLLLL

The door to Ensign Lee's quarters opened and she stumbled through it. The past week had been much more tiring than she had expected. Running an obstacle course after alien lifeforms and desperately searching for dilithium deposits hadn't made it any easier either. The engineering Ensign stripped her uniform off and went into the bathroom. She glanced at the face in the mirror and sighed.

"You knew this wasn't going to be easy," Lee muttered to herself before jumping into the sonic shower. She stood there for a bit longer than necessary, hoping the waves would clear her mind of a certain Captain.

A pair of shorts and a shirt were pulled on and Lee replicated a cup of tea. She made herself comfortable on the couch and took a sip. The warm liquid felt wonderful sliding down her throat and into her stomach. She felt a calm settle through her aching muscles and briefly closed her eyes.

A noise startled her and Lee sat up. The cup resting on her lap felt cold. The blonde woman moved it to the small table and got up stiffly. A quick question to Voyager's computer revealed it was after two in the morning. Her door chimed and Lee realised that must have been what woke her.

"Come in," Lee said, her frown at the late guest quickly turning into a broad smile. "Kathryn? This is a nice surprise."

The auburn-haired woman stood rooted to the spot. Kathryn had been rolling around for hours and finally decided to go where she knew she would feel at least a bit more at home. Now her decision seemed foolish.

"Chakotay warned me to stay away from you," Kathryn said and immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me. I was trying to sleep, but those quarters... They're someone else's. It felt like I was intruding. And, they have me reading all these personal logs which are absolute fiction to me. It's a complete waste of time and I -."

"Kathryn, it's fine," Lee interjected. She took the older woman's elbow and motioned her into the open living room. Kathryn gratefully sunk into the couch. "Are you thirsty? Something hot helps relax me."

Kathryn had her head in her hands. She looked up into a beautiful smile and blue eyes filled with concern. "Coffee would be wonderful."

Lee nodded and quickly replicated two cups. She handed Kathryn the steaming beverage and sat down on the chair across from the auburn-haired woman. A grin crossed her face as she watched Kathryn take a sip of the black coffee. The auburn-haired woman's eyes closed in delight and she leaned back into the couch.

"What's so funny?" Kathryn asked and Lee started. She hadn't realised she'd been staring.

"It's interesting how different and the same you seem," Lee replied, lowering her eyes and taking a quick gulp from her own mug. Kathryn was still eyeing her questioningly when she looked up and Lee had to continue. "It's almost like two sides of the same coin. I feel like I'm talking to you, Kathryn, but Captain Janeway is still around."

"Most of the other crewmen say I'm completely different and they keep trying to remind me of who this Captain Janeway was. I have been subjected to stories of her most recent escapades from the senior officers for the past few days."

"Oh, maybe I'm wrong." Lee's answer was too quick and Kathryn could see the slight panic as she clutched her coffee cup.

"Commander Chakotay told me to keep my distance. That you're only being nice to further your own career on this ship, using our friendship for your own gains."

Lee slammed her cup down on the table and flew out of her chair. The blonde woman started pacing and Kathryn was amazed by the anger emanating from Lee as she clenched her fists. The fact that it made Lee even more striking was something Kathryn tried to ignore.

"That is complete bullshit! I can't believe the Commander would say that! I know he doesn't like me, but that he would sink so low. I could strangle -." Lee stopped abruptly as she remembered who was sitting on her couch. The blonde ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. I shouldn't be speaking about a senior officer like that. He's entitled to his opinion and it's his duty as first officer to discuss it with the Captain. I can understand it even if I don't agree."

"What happened between you two? I find it difficult to believe you would ever misuse someone's trust in the way Chakotay described." Kathryn felt a weight lift from her shoulders. Chakotay's warnings about Ensign Lee had been very grave and sincere. It had given Kathryn doubts about her friend. But, seeing Lee's reaction pushed those thoughts away and raised her respect for this woman even more.

Lee took her seat again and tucked her legs underneath her. She took her cup and rested it on her knees. A decision was made and Lee looked at Kathryn. "It all started a few months ago. Captain Janeway arranges social get togethers for the crew on a semi-regular basis. It boosts morale and we all get a chance to relax and think about something other than the long journey back home."

Kathryn nodded, not wanting to interrupt. Her recent briefings and the logs she had been made to study had given her a good idea of how taxing Voyager's main mission was.

"Recently, the Captain and I have been talking. Nothing out of the ordinary, I thought. We simply seemed to end up in the same circle of conversation or the last people left at the pub or whatever we'd programmed the holodeck for that night."

Lee paused, keeping her eyes on the steam rising from the coffee cup. "You asked me before if the Captain and I were friends. That's a tricky question. A Starfleet Captain isn't supposed to have favourites among the crew or even close friends. It's against regulations and could influence command decisions which should remain objective. Chakotay was concerned about that. He noticed the Captain and I were talking more than she would with other crewmen. That's when he started becoming colder and more stricter with his orders. He felt I was being inappropriate in my relationship with Captain Janeway."

"He said that?" Kathryn asked. Her stomach was fluttering and she knew it wasn't the coffee. Lee's words were ringing a bell somewhere in the jumbled and obscured parts of her memory.

"Not in so many words, but his meaning was clear."

"How did Captain Janeway feel about all this?" Lee's head jerked up and Kathryn was surprised by the raw emotion in her eyes. She wasn't sure if it was happiness or sadness reflected in the younger woman's gaze.

"I'm not sure," Lee replied and tried to put a smile on her face. "We both knew we were close to crossing some kind of line, but neither of us wanted to talk about it."

"You almost make it sound as if it were more than friendship between you two," Kathryn said. A faint hope ignited in her heart and she tried to keep her hands from shaking. Was this Captain Janeway's emotions or her own? And what did that mean in this case?

Lee burst out laughing and Kathryn's eyebrows raised in surprise. The younger woman put her cup down and shifted her feet out from under her. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, but this whole situation is crazy. I'm talking to you about you. It's weird and nice and completely confusing."

The auburn-haired woman shook her head and smiled. "Tell me about it. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. Will I disappear if my memories come back? Do I exist? Does it even matter what I feel?" Her smile faltered and Lee didn't miss the quick movement as Kathryn wiped an errant tear away. "Not to mention the fact that everyone on this ship expects me to lead them back home. But, I don't know if I can anymore. They all look at me with such hope and I hate having to disappoint them."

Lee ignored the protests in her head and went to sit next to Kathryn on the couch. "I think you should take things one day at a time. If you never get your memories back, we'll deal with it. If suddenly one day everything floods back in, we'll deal with that too. But, don't ever think you're alone in this." Lee smiled at Kathryn and put her arm around the auburn-haired woman's shoulder.

"Doesn't this count as being inappropriate? Shouldn't you keep your distance?" Kathryn asked, trying to keep the trembling out of her words.

"Probably, but screw regulations. I'm not going to abandon you because some idiot put it in a rulebook."

Kathryn turned her head and was very happy to see the defiance in Lee's face. The underlying look of love in the younger woman's eyes was the final straw and Kathryn turned into Lee's shoulder. The Ensign pulled Kathryn into a tight embrace and held her as sobs racked the lost and confused woman's body.

LLLLL

"Red alert, Captain to the bridge."

Kathryn immediately dropped her padd containing the latest batch of Captain Janeway's logs. She hastily took the few steps from the ready room onto the bridge. The auburn-haired woman joined Commander Chakotay where he stood behind the helmsman.

"Report, Commander," Kathryn ordered, a strange sense of calm settling over her.

"We're surrounded by dozens of hostile ships," Chakotay answered. He tried to keep the surprise from his voice. He had to remember that this wasn't his Captain, not entirely. "I've tried negotiating safe passage, but they refused and demanded to speak to our Captain immediately."

"Let's not keep our new friends waiting." Kathryn motioned to Ensign Harry Kim and he opened a communications channel. The viewscreen flickered briefly before a large face filled it. It was humanoid in having two eyes and a mouth, but that's where the resemblance ended. Kathryn tried not to think of a massive bullfrog and kept her expression neutral.

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. To whom am I speaking?"

"War Leader Trobblet of the Parda. I've already explained the situation to your first officer, but I thought perhaps the Captain would be more agreeable." The smirk on the Parda's green face did not improve his looks.

"War Leader, we have no intention of causing any trouble. I would appreciate permission to pass through your system. I assure you we won't interfere with your people and be out of your way in less than two days."

"As I have explained to the Commander, I will not allow that. You have three kiloseconds to turn your vessel around and get out of our system. Nice talking to you, Captain Janeway." The view screen dissolved as the War Leader cut off the connection.

"Tuvok, weapon status?" Commander Chakotay asked.

"All enemy vessels are powering up and heat signatures indicate significant armaments with a possibility of high yield warheads." Tuvok's fingers were flying over his console.

"But, we can't identify for certain if they even have weapons?" Kathryn heard the question and realised it had come from her own lips. A burning sensation hummed behind her eyes and she knew what she had to do. "Lieutenant Paris, resume course on full impulse. Ignore any Parda vessels."

"Belay that," Chakotay barked and turned to Kathryn. "What are you thinking? They'll destroy us."

"No, they won't. Trobblet is bluffing." Kathryn was adamant, but couldn't explain how she knew that. Something in the War Leader's bulging eyes had given him away.

"That is a possibility, Captain," Tuvok interjected and looked at Ensign Kim.

Harry scanned his readings before saying, "I can't isolate the heat signatures into distinct weapons' readings. It could be a masking effect."

"Lieutenant Paris, you have your orders." Kathryn's smile became grim as they started moving forward. Chakotay opened his mouth, but one glare from Kathryn and he swallowed his words. Tuvok reported they were within one thousand metres of the nearest Parda ship and on a collision course. Seconds after the words left the Vulcan's mouth, the enemy ship veered away with the others following suit.

"Incoming communication," Ensign Kim said.

"On screen," Kathryn replied and had to hide her grin from the resigned face of War Leader Trobblet.

"Well played, Captain Janeway," the Parda leader replied, his jowls quivering. "I grant you passage through our system. You're free to do as you wish."

"Thank you, War Leader, but I intend to keep my word. Voyager will not harm your people or planets. I hope next time we'll meet on friendlier terms."

The relief in Trobblet's rapidly blinking eyes was evident. "I can promise you that, Captain. Safe journey."

Kathryn nodded and the transmission ended. "All senior officers report to the conference room right now."

The auburn-haired woman stood pacing behind her chair as Voyager's senior crew filed in and took their seats. She gripped the back of her chair and said, "We need to make a decision. Am I still Captain?" Her words were met with a echoing silence. "I know I haven't been fully involved with the day-to-day operations since the accident, but what just happened out there can never happen again. I cannot have my decisions questioned during a battle situation. Today the delay meant nothing, but what about the next time? For this ship to function, for Voyager to get back to the Alpha Quadrant safely, you need to trust me."

"Captain, it's difficult," Lieutenant Torres said, being the first to break the silence. "You're different. Sometimes you act like Captain Janeway and the next minute I'm explaining to you how the warp drive works. You're not the same person anymore. I don't know how you're going to react."

"Thank you, Lieutenant." Kathryn sighed and sat down. "I can understand that this isn't an easy situation for any of you. My memory is erratic and that doesn't make for a stable captain. Can I assume you all feel the same?" There was a slight pause, but all heads around the table slowly nodded. "All right, I have a proposal. Commander Chakotay will act as Captain until the Doctor knows conclusively whether my memory loss is reversible or not. Until then I'll be a general crewman and rotate through the different departments. That should help me get my skills back up to standard and might even jog a few things loose in my mind. Is that acceptable?"

"Captain, I don't like this," Tom Paris said and stood up abruptly. "It's like we're kicking you out. It's not right."

"Lieutenant, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not taking this personally. In reality it's ludicrous to have a Captain with zero command experience. And, whether we like it or not, right now that's what we have. Commander, I would ask that you and Tuvok put me on the ship's roster with some kind of schedule. If there's nothing else, you're dismissed."

Kathryn watched the senior officers walk out and sighed as the door closed behind them. She straightened her jacket and squared her shoulders. At least in her new role Kathryn could figure out where she would fit in on this massive starship.

LLLLL

Lee hummed a nonsense tune to herself as she threw the blanket open under the oak tree. A few acorns were gentled shuffled out of the way before the Ensign sat down and leaned her back against the tree trunk. She was on a hill overlooking the sea and could faintly hear the bustle from the markets along the jetty. This was her favourite place in the holoprogram. The Irish pub was great for a night out, but watching the sunset over the ocean couldn't be compared to anything. A rustling of leaves came from her left and Lee turned to see Kathryn walking away.

"Hey, you can stay if you like," Lee said with a smile.

Kathryn felt a blush creep up her cheeks and hid it behind a smile. It was if she'd been caught doing something wrong. "I didn't want to bother you."

"Of course not." A thought crossed Lee's mind and she tilted her head. "I hope this isn't about the other morning. I won't feel awkward about it if you don't."

Involuntarily a shiver slid down Kathryn's neck. It was the morning after Kathryn had invited herself to the Ensign's quarters. She'd woken up still on Lee's couch, but wrapped in a blanket of warmth. It had felt wonderful until Kathryn realised it wasn't a blanket. Lee was fast asleep right next to her and Kathryn was using her as a pillow with the younger woman's arms still around her. The Ensign had woken up a few minutes later and Kathryn had quickly excused herself. She'd hoped Lee hadn't heard the pounding of her heart as she flew past the blonde woman and out the door.

The mischievous grin on Lee's face broke through Kathryn's concerns and she felt her own smile widen. "All right. I don't."

"Good. Join me? The view is amazing. You're just in time for the sunset." Lee shifted to the right and Kathryn sat down next to her on the red and blue blanket. They sat in silence for a few minutes, but Lee's curiosity got the better of her.

"Are you all right? That frown is very severe, but I'll understand if you don't want to talk about."

"Am I that transparent?" Kathryn asked and chuckled as Lee quickly shook her head.

"No, not at all. I'm simply sitting so close that I can feel you frowning without even looking."

"That's absurd." The auburn-haired woman grinned at the outlandish description and Lee's even more mock-dramatic tone.

"Absolutely, but it doesn't make it any less true." Lee's voice turned softer and she shifted to look directly at Kathryn. "What happened?"

The engineering Ensign listened patiently as Kathryn explained the entire incident with the Parda ships and the final outcome. "So the first time you act like the Captain, you get demoted? Now that is silly." Lee was glad her remark earned a chuckle from the older woman. It pained her to see Kathryn so unsettled.

"But, it is the best decision for this ship and for the crew," Kathryn replied, resting her hands on her lap.

"Unfortunately, I agree with you," Lee said and quickly continued, "Don't get me wrong. I think you made the best decision you could at the time. But, the best captain in the world means nothing if the crew doesn't support or trust them." Lee chewed her bottom lip. "Actually, this is a great idea. You get a chance to work all over Voyager with everyone. That's going to be very interesting."

Kathryn shook her head in amazement. "Do you always see the lighter side of everything?"

"Of course, the darker side is just that - too dark to make anything out." Lee burst out laughing at her own joke and Kathryn joined in. "Do you feel better?"

Kathryn swallowed her last chuckles and reached over to squeeze Lee's hand. "Yes, very much. Thank you."

"My pleasure. Now, enjoy the sunset."

Lee gestured to the horizon and took a few deep breaths. She'd thought she had gotten a hold of her feelings around Kathryn, but a little voice in her head kept mocking her. Simply being near the auburn-haired woman had lifted her spirits and made her heart beat faster. The contradicting voices in her mind were pushed away when Lee felt Kathryn rest her head against her shoulder. Lee could only smile as she put her arm around Kathryn, hugging her closer.

LLLLL

Lee stopped focusing on Lieutenant Torres as the Chief Engineer's daily pre-shift briefing veered away from anything affecting the Ensign. Her thoughts were already on the best and quickest way to do the gel pack upgrades.

"Ensign Lee? Stop daydreaming." B'Elanna Torres chuckled as the blonde's head whipped up. The rest of the crew had already moved off.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant," Lee smiled and tapped the side of her head. "You know how easily I get lost in all the voices up here."

"Would you come to my office? I've got some changes to your duty roster."

Lee frowned as she walked with the half-Klingon into her corner of Main Engineering. When she saw the figure standing in front of the desk, her smile quickly returned.

"Kathryn? What are you …? I mean, it's good to see you, Captain." Lee kicked herself for sounding like a blabbering fool. Kathryn found the expression on Lee's face adorable and chuckled.

"It's Ensign Janeway now," Kathryn replied and put her hands on her hips. "My new duties start today."

"That's why I called you here, Lee," B'Elanna added, taking a seat on the edge of her desk. "Captain Janeway will be … Don't glare at me like that, I'm not calling you Ensign. As I was saying, the Captain will be part of my Engineering team for the next few weeks getting to know the insides of Voyager. Lee, since you're one of my best and the one with the most all round experience, I thought the Captain would get the most out her time with us if she worked with you."

"That would be great," Lee replied before the Chief Engineer even finished her sentence. The blonde woman's eyes lit up in excitement. "But, are you sure this is all right with the Commander? I know he has … um … specific ideas about the Captain's duty roster."

"I'm in charge of Engineering, Ensign. Down here, what I say goes. Your skills make you the most qualified and I know your duties take you all over the ship. That's exactly the kind of training the Captain needs." B'Elanna looked at each woman in turn, daring them to disagree. Before Kathryn could reply, B'Elanna said, "Then it's settled. Captain, you can report to Lee every shift and follow her lead. I'll be available if you have any questions, but I'm sure Lee will take good care of you."

Kathryn thought she saw a glint in the Chief Engineer's eyes on that last comment, but it might have been her imagination. B'Elanna ushered them out of her office and told them to get to it. Voyager doesn't repair itself.

Lee turned to the auburn-haired woman next to her. "I hope I didn't sound too enthusiastic in there. If you'd feel more comfortable working with someone else, we can talk to Lieutenant Torres."

"No, this is perfect. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be crawling with inside the jeffrey's tubes." Kathryn grinned as Lee rolled her eyes.

"You think it's funny now. Wait until I have you climbing everywhere with heaps of tools for hours on end."

"Sounds like fun. Where do we start?"

Lee laughed and motioned Kathryn to her console on the Main Engineering floor. She brought up a schematic of Voyager and talked Kathryn through the general power grid configuration and the role the gel packs play in the ship's internal networks. Kathryn was immediately impressed by how easily the Ensign explained the concepts. At first, she got lost listening to the tone of Lee's voice and the way words rolled off her tongue. Kathryn wondered what the younger woman's lips would feel like. The erstwhile Captain snapped her eyes back to the console and focused on the task at hand. Some things would have to wait for later.

LLLLL

B'Elanna Torres stretched in her seat and then upbruptly stood up. The rest of her report could wait until tomorrow. The Chief Engineer looked up in surprise. She thought everyone had left Engineering for the evening, but there it was again. Someone was clearly enjoying themselves. She wished she could be so happy. B'Elanna stepped out of her office and cocked her head. She took the small lift up to the second floor and found the source of all the chuckling.

Lee had tears rolling down her eyes from laughing so hard. She held her stomach and tried to pull in some desperately needed air. Kathryn sat next to her on the floor near the open hatch. The auburn-haired woman was also struggling to catch her breath. She leaned against Lee's shoulder and turned her head to look up at the younger woman. It was probably not her best idea. The auburn-haired woman's heart started racing when she got lost in the blue of Lee's eyes. Kathryn lifted a hand and moved a stray lock of blonde air out of Lee's face. The Ensign's laughter died in her throat as Kathryn's hand cupped her face.

"I think I should be doing maintenance as well." B'Elanna's words startled both women and the Chief Engineer bit back a grin at the intense redness settling into their faces. "It looks like you two really enjoy working together."

"I understand why you were such a great Maquis, Lieutenant," Lee replied, standing up and holding out a hand to pull Kathryn with her. "Your sneaking skills are amazing. I didn't even hear the lift."

"Other things were probably occupying your attention," B'Elanna replied and earned a familiar glare from Kathryn.

"Yes, Lieutenant, we have been quite busy." Kathryn's tone was stern and she put her hands on her hips. She didn't appreciate feeling embarrassed. "Ensign Lee and I completed all the gel pack upgrades and we've started on the new power couplings in Astrometrics." Lee gave B'Elanna a quick report of their progress in the past week and the Chief Engineer was genuinely impressed.

"Captain, that's great. I knew you'd catch on quickly, but you two have really done well. I think I'll keep you in Engineering."

"Very funny, Lieutenant," Kathryn replied, her smile returning. "If that's all, I think we'll be heading out."

B'Elanna stood aside and the women greeted her as they walked past. Kathryn didn't miss the smirk on the half-Klingon's face and lifted her eyebrow at the Chief Engineering in warning. Lieutenant Torres only shrugged in mock ignorance. The former Captain rolled her eyes, but then her focus returned to Lee as they descended to the bottom floor.

"Good for them," B'Elanna muttered as she watched the women exit Engineering.

LLLLL

"Kathryn, you're not avoiding this anymore." Lee's arms were crossed and Kathryn knew the line on her forehead might be adorable, but also immovable.

"I like having dinner with you. Why do we need to go to the mess hall?" Kathryn put her hand on the Ensign's waist and pinched a spot she knew was ticklish. Spending so much time together inside the twisting passages of Voyager did have its perks.

Lee swatted her hand away, but a smile twitched on her lips. "It's great having dinner in your quarters and then talking the night away. But, you're hiding from the crew. I know you're worried about what they might think. That you won't live up to their expectations."

"Thank you. I feel much better now that you spelled it out so clearly." Kathryn sighed and rubbed her forehead. She felt a cool hand on her own and Lee gently moved her hand away from her face.

"It will be fine," Lee said and then smiled widely. "When have I ever led you wrong?"

Kathryn started counting on her fingers. "The time you accidentally electrocuted me in Astrometrics, when you hit me in the face with the tricoder while we were working on the deflector array, and when you forgot to tell me some of the plants in the hydroponics bay were poisonous, and let's not forget …"

"All right, all right, so I've made a few small, and completely innocent, mistakes. You survived, didn't you?"

"Barely," Kathryn replied and grinned at Lee's mock scowl.

Lee took the auburn-haired woman's hand and gently rubbed her thumb over Kathryn's palm. "Don't worry. You've already gotten re-acquainted with most of the crew. You'll be fine."

Kathryn nodded and allowed Lee to lead her out of her quarters. They made their way through Voyager's corridors to the nearest turbolift.

"Hi, Seven," Lee warmly greeted her friend. The three women entered the turbolift together and Lee asked for the relevant deck. "Are you going to the mess hall for dinner as well?"

"Yes, as per the Doctor's orders, I'm supplementing my diet with meals from Neelix." The tall blonde's mouth twitched when she mentioned the word meals and Lee chuckled.

"How was your shift, Seven?" Kathryn asked, smiling at the barely perceptible emotions seen fleetingly on the ex-Borg's features.

Lee had introduced them a while ago and even invited Kathryn to one of their games nights with Naomi Wildman, the youngest member of Voyager's crew. At first, Kathryn couldn't quite get a read on the tall woman, but Lee helped her see past the often misinterpreted aloof expressions. The evening had turned into a lot of fun with Kathryn beating Lee countless times, but Naomi had taught Seven all the tricks of kadiskot and the ex-Borg had wiped the floor with all of them.

"My shift was productive, thank you, Captain," Seven replied and raised her eyebrow at Kathryn's frown.

"Ignore her, Seven," Lee interjected. The turbolift stopped and the women made their way the last few metres to the mess hall. "Kathryn doesn't like being called Captain after her official demotion."

"I would find it very awkward to call you anything else, Captain," Seven replied and Kathryn smiled at the respect in the woman's tone.

"Thank you, Seven. I don't mind it that much, but it feels unfair to be called a rank I no longer have."

"I believe most of the crew still feel you are the Captain," Seven said and nodded to the women. The ex-Borg left them standing at the entrance to find Neelix and her special meal.

"See, I told you it would be all right," Lee said, smiling at the look of consternation on her companion's face. Lee chuckled and ushered Kathryn through the doors. They grabbed their trays from Neelix at the counter and took a seat at the window with Seven. They were soon joined by B'Elanna, Tom and Harry. Kathryn felt Lee stiffen slightly and looked up to see Chakotay walking towards them. The auburn-haired woman squeezed the Ensign's hand under the table and received a thin smile in return.

"Commander, how did your shift on the bridge go today?" Kathryn asked the tattooed man as he put his tray down and took a seat.

"Good, no major problems," Chakotay replied, managing a smile in Lee's direction as well.

The conversation turned to everyone's duty shifts and Tom Paris shared the misunderstanding he had with Tuvok which almost landed him in the brig. The ice was broken after that and Lee was surprised to be enjoying the Commander's company.

"How have your duties in Engineering been going, Kathryn?" the Commander asked as he took the last bite of his dinner. "You must be tired of doing maintenance."

Kathryn smiled. "I'm actually thoroughly enjoying it. It's given me a chance to meet a lot of the crew and work on most of Voyager's systems."

"And with Lee as your teacher, you must have picked up so many tricks," Harry added and chuckled. He was surprised when a deathly silence greeted his words. Before he could open his mouth again, Tom elbowed him in the side.

Lee briefly closed her eyes and waited for the shouting to start. When nothing happened, she glanced at Chakotay. He was clutching the side of the table and taking deep breaths through his teeth.

"When will your next rotation start?" The Commander kept his gaze on Kathryn. "It'll be on the bridge next with Tuvok if I remember correctly."

"I changed it. I'll be staying in Engineering a bit longer. We've starting a major project in Astrometrics and I want to follow it through to its end." Kathryn held Chakotay's gaze.

The Commander looked away, but then clenched his fists and quickly turned to Lee. "Do you really think this fantasy will last forever? Did she tell you the Doctor's found a cure for the memory loss? Very soon this ship will get back to normal and we can start focusing on getting home. Not on getting in someone's pants."

Surprise was an understatement for how Lee's friends felt when they saw the unbridled anger in the blonde's eyes. The Ensign pushed her chair back and leaned over the table. She had her face within inches of the Commander's. "Only a very unhappy person would try to destroy others' joy to make himself feel better. Good luck with that." Lee dismissed the shocked Commader and glanced at Kathryn. "I would have liked to hear the Doctor's news from you."

Before Kathryn could reply, Lee nodded at her friends and walked out. It felt as if the bottom had dropped out of Kathryn's world. She glared at Chakotay, but knew he wasn't entirely to blame.

"After reading Captain Janeway's logs, I would have expected more from you too, Chakotay," Kathryn said as she stood up. The Commander wouldn't meet her gaze and she left without looking back. Her chest tightened and she quickly made her way after Lee.

"If you keep acting like an idiot, you won't have any friends left," B'Elanna said and shook her head. Chakotay opened his mouth, but the Chief Engineer cut him off. "Don't give me any of that I'm your superior officer and you have to respect me crap. If you really cared for Captain Janeway, you'd want her to be happy. Even if she didn't choose you."

"That's not what this is about," Chakotay barked. The humiliation burned his cheeks and he slapped his hand on the table. "Ensign Lee was chasing after the Captain even before the accident. She's taking advantage of Kathryn's memory loss. She's nothing but a -."

"Stop," Seven interrupted the Commander. "Ensign Lee is an exceptional woman and a valued member of this crew. She would never do anything like that. I agree with B'Elanna. Your actions towards Ensign Lee and Captain Janeway are completely unfounded and unprofessional. Until you start behaving like the Commander I have always respected, I don't believe I can be in your company."

B'Elanna nodded in agreement with Seven and the women stood up. Chakotay had no more arguments and could only watch as Tom and Harry both shook their heads as they followed the women out of the mess hall. The ex-Maquis put his head in his hands and exhaled sharply.

LLLLL

Kathryn thought Lee must have used some secret jeffrey's tubes, because she only caught up to her at the Ensign's quarters. When she tried her code, the computer promptly replied that access had been temporarily revoked. The auburn-haired woman blanched. Lee had never minded Kathryn coming and going as she pleased. Since that night a few weeks ago, Kathryn had used Lee's quarters as a second home. The blonde Ensign must truly be hurting.

The ex-Captain turned around and started walking back to the turbolift. A sudden thought stopped her. With everything that had happened, she knew how quickly things could change. She had to speak to Lee now.

Lee stared at the stars racing past her window, but couldn't focus on the streaking lines of light. Chakotay's words were ringing in her ears. Had she been fooling herself? Did she really think Captain Janeway would ever feel the same way? And, how did Kathryn feel about her? She hated this fear and doubt and sighed in frustration.

A noise startled the Ensign and Lee looked for the source. It was definitely coming from the bulkheads beyond her bedroom wall. The alarms hadn't been triggered, but Lee wasn't taking any chances and she grabbed a thick antique quantum mechanics textbook. The noise was coming from the corner and Lee held the book high. With a bang and a crash the panel flew open and Kathryn tumbled out.

"It's me! It's me! Put the book down!" Kathryn cried and held up her hands.

Lee threw her heavy weapon to one side and glared at the prone woman. "What the hell were you thinking? I could have hurt you."

"You weren't opening the door so I had to find another way in." Kathryn grinned at how ridiculous she must look shrugging apologetically from the floor. She saw the slight twitch in the corner of Lee's mouth and knew she had a small chance. "Can I get up or are you going to knock me out with something else?"

Lee shook her head, but then reached down and helped the older woman up. She let go of Kathryn's hand quickly and started pacing. "I know we should probably talk about this like adults, but I really, really want to yell at you. Why didn't you tell me about the cure?"

"I was going to," Kathryn said, but cringed at the outrage on Lee's face. "I'm sorry. That was stupid." The auburn-haired woman took a step towards Lee, but the Ensign crossed her arms. Kathryn took the middle ground and sat down on the bed. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want this to end. Nothing's certain yet. The Doctor doesn't even know if it's going to work."

Lee's heart melted at the slump in Kathryn's shoulders. She sat down next to the dejected woman and sighed. "I know exactly how you feel. I like you. A lot. But, what does that mean? What happens to this, whatever it is, when you get your memories back?"

"I don't know." Kathryn stood up. She cupped Lee's face in her hands and gently kissed her. "But, this is real. I have to believe that whatever happens you'll always be in my heart."

Lee's breath had been pulled from her lungs by the intimate gesture. When she came to her senses, Kathryn had already made it to the living room.

"Stay." Lee pulled the auburn-haired woman away from the door and into her arms. She kissed her fiercely, trying to convey everything she felt in that one action. Kathryn's arms tightened around Lee's waist and she melted against the blonde's body.

"Always." Kathryn's heart expanded at the pure love and desire in Lee's face. She pulled the Ensign's head down for the third of many more kisses.

LLLLL

"Lee, just go." Lieutenant Torres had to repeat herself when the Ensign didn't even look up from her console. She shook her head and punched the woman on her shoulder.

"Ow! Lieutenant, what was that for?" Lee rubbed her arm, but glanced at the timer on her console again.

"Go."

"What? Where?" Lee flinched as the Chief Engineer lifted her hand, but the half-Klingon only tapped the corner on her console showing the countdown. Lee flushed. "It's nothing. They haven't even started yet. There's all these pre-checks the Doctor wants to do. I'd be in the way."

"You're in my way right now," B'Elanna retorted. "Your mind's not on the job and you've been staring at the same power readings since this morning. I'm ordering you to go to Sickbay." The engineer put a reassuring hand on Lee's shoulder. "You know she'd want you to be there."

Lee opened her mouth to argue, but couldn't. Kathryn had said she'd be all right, but Lee would rather be there next to her than anywhere else in the universe. She closed the readouts on her console and nodded to her superior officer. "Thank you, B'Elanna."

Lee barely registered the nod from the Chief Engineer before she escaped Main Engineering. The turbolift felt much further away than usual and Lee wished site to site transports didn't use so much power. The walk did help calm her nerves, but her emotions were still doing somersaults.

As the Doctor had explained it, the cure to Kathryn's memory loss was chemical. The alien organism had injected Kathryn with a compound that acted to block the neurons in certain parts of her brain from communicating with each other. The Doctor would be giving Kathryn a counteragent which should dissolve the alien chemical. What had taken so long to create the cure was that it had to be specifically tailored to Kathryn's brain chemistry. If any detail were slightly off, the cure could cause even more damage.

Lee see-sawed between wanting the cure to work and being desperate for things to stay the same. She sighed as the turbolift doors opened and she asked for the correct deck. It wasn't fair to keep Kathryn in the dark about who she was. She needed her memories. Lee only hoped that getting her old life back wouldn't mean losing the new one.

LLLLL

"Captain? Captain Janeway, can you hear me?" The Doctor checked his tricorder again.

"What happened?" Kathryn asked and grabbed her head. It felt like a million bells were being rung against the inside of her skull. The Doctor loomed over her and she gently pushed him away as she sat up on the biobed.

"The cure was a success. I'm not detecting any foreign chemicals in your system. What do you remember?"

Janeway felt like she was swimming through a layer of thick cream. Suddenly her mind burst through the barrier and her memories flooded back in. The planet, the incident, Lee! The Captain glanced around and immediately saw the blonde Ensign standing at the foot of her bed. Lee couldn't be smiling any wider, but Kathryn could see the uncertainty in the frown on her brow.

Kathryn's heart raced through the past weeks, her feelings for Lee, her responsibility as Captain, Starfleet protocols, her last night with Lee. The emotions thundered through her and Kathryn smiled at the happiness she knew was so intimately connected with the women in front of her. But, cold reality wiped the elation from her face. She was the Captain. She couldn't allow anything to distract her from her mission. She knew she had wrestled with this same issue before the accident. A decision had to be made.

"Lee," Kathryn started, but the Ensign stopped her.

"I'm happy you're back to normal. You're whole again." Lee gently took Kathryn's hands and tried to keep her smile from faltering. "We can talk about us later."

Kathryn struggled to find the words. How do say goodbye to the person you love? That last thought shocked the auburn-haired woman. Did her feelings for Lee run that deep? Why hadn't she realised that before?

"My compound effectively elimated the alien chemical in your brain." The Doctor's voice cut through their moment with unintentioned cruelty. He continued, oblivious to the undercurrent of emotions between the two women, "You'll need to come back for daily scans for the next week to be sure, but I believe you're completely healed."

"Lee, I'm sorry, but this can't wait until later," Kathryn said and tried to harden her heart to the silent plea in Lee's eyes. "I can't do this."

The Doctor had brought their situation on Voyager back to the forefront of her mind. She was the Captain of a starship lost in another quadrant of space. Kathryn would never be afforded the luxury of personal attachments. Not until Voyager had safely reached the Alpha Quadrant.

"I completely disagree," Lee said. Determination flashed across her face and she squeezed Kathryn's hands. "I love you."

Kathryn barely had a second to process Lee's declaration before her lips were ambushed. Sickbay disappeared around them and Kathryn's whole body caught fire. Her heart was still racing when Lee finally broke the kiss.

The blonde Engineer cupped Kathryn's face with both hands and held her gaze. "I understand what you're feeling. Heart versus brain. Emotions versus obligations. Know that what I feel for you runs just as deep and is just as important, maybe even more so." Lee paused to catch her breath. She dropped her hands from Kathryn's face and took a step back. "I hope you change your mind, because I definitely won't."

Kathryn watched in muted shock as Lee hurriedly flicked an escaped tear off her cheek, turned on her heels and left Sickbay. A polite cough turned the Captain's gaze away from the closing doors.

"Perhaps I should be prescribing that as part of my patients' recovery. Your heart rate is certainly back to normal." The Doctor flinched slightly under Janeway's glare and returned to his tricorder. "As I was saying, your vital signs are back to normal. An initial scan of your brain indicates ..."

Kathryn tried to concentrate on the medical jargon, but her mind kept circling the past few minutes. Lee had said she was whole again, but why did it feel like a part of her had walked out of Sickbay?

LLLLL

Commander Chakotay was keeping his distance from Captain Janeway. It had been three weeks since she made a full recovery, but the tattoed man had kept their interactions to a minimum. He had spent many nights meditating and going over his behaviour the past few months. But, action was needed. The ex-Maquis squared his shoulders and walked across the bridge to the Captain's ready room.

"Enter," Janeway said and looked up from the screen on her desk. "Chakotay? Something wrong?"

The Commander felt a pang of guilt at her words. Their friendship had dissolved so quickly. Usually Janeway would have welcomed a quick chat with her second-in-command.

"I wanted to talk to you, Captain. If you have the time?"

"Please," Janeway replied, surprised at his request. She gestured to the couch and they settled down across from each other. "What would you like to discuss?"

"I am sorry," Chakotay started and dipped his head. "My actions towards you during your memory loss was unacceptable. I let my personal feelings cloud my reason. I made rash judgements and acted like a complete idiot."

Janeway's frown softened. She had missed his council and this distance had been bothering her. Perhaps things could finally go back to normal.

"I agree, you have been acting like a caveman," Janeway replied and smiled at the contrition evident across Chakotay's features. "But, I accept your apology. I hope we can put this behind us. I miss my command decisions being debated."

"Me too," the Commander replied with a smile. He stood up. "If you'll excuse me, I should get back to the bridge. I think two apologies is enough for one day."

"Chakotay, what would you do?" Kathryn's question was asked softly, but one look at the intensity in her gaze and the First Officer knew exactly what or rather whom they were talking about.

"If our roles were reversed, what advice would you give me, Kathryn?"

"That's different. My position complicates the matter." Kathryn wanted to take the question back. She had been over and over the what ifs, the pitfalls and the positives of getting involved with Lee.

"It's only as complicated as you make it." Chakotay saw the defensive anger and frustration appear in his Captain's eyes. "A wise woman taught me that the only thing keeping us from reaching the Alpha Quadrant is our belief. We are our own and only barrier that keeps us from our dreams."

"I hate it when my own advice comes back to haunt me."

Chakotay chuckled and nodded his goodbye. Kathryn watched as the door closed behind him. She leaned back and took a deep breath.

A slow smile formed on Kathryn's features. She knew her subconscious had probably reached this decision the moment Lee had said she loved her. It was a relief to finally get her logical brain to agree. Realising how much she felt for Lee scared Kathryn like nothing before. But, not grabbing such a rare and amazing woman and holding on as long as she could was even more frightening. Lee's sexy smile popped into her mind and Kathryn jumped out of her seat. An ecstatic grin graced the Captain's features as she briskly made her way to the bridge.

LLLLL

Lee fiddled with the settings of her new device. She knew she should be excited about her solo mission. When did an engineer get the chance to build and test their own creation? And, it would be the first shield of its kind in Starfleet shuttle history.

The Ensign fixed a smile on her face, but it slid right off. It had been weeks since her confession to Kathryn. Since then Lee had been analysing every word she'd said, trying to decide what she could have done differently. Maybe it would have been better to keep her mouth shut. Lee grimaced. She couldn't have lived in limbo. The answer she got might not have been the one she wanted or even any kind of answer at all, but at least she had said what was in her heart. Oh, hell, maybe if she hadn't sounded like some love-obsessed romantic, things would have turned out differently.

"Ensign Lee, are you ready?" B'Elanna's voice came over the communications channel. "That asteroid belt is coming into position."

"Give me another minute and I'll be good to go," Lee replied, snapping her mind back to the task at hand. She ran a final tricorder scan, but her device was successfully integrated with the shuttle's systems. Lee groaned as she climbed out from under the bulkhead. The panel fitted back with a clang and the blonde Ensign made her way to the pilot's seat.

"Sixty seconds," the Chief Engineer reported. The half-Klingon was at her Engineering station on the bridge, monitoring the shuttle data and projected course of the asteroid belt. She had pushed Lee into getting her project finalised. Whatever had happened between her and the Captain had obviously affected the younger woman. B'Elanna had hoped the focused work would be a good distraction.

"All systems up and running, Lieutenant. I'm activating the Turtleshell now." Lee smiled as she heard a few chuckles over the comms. "It's my design so I get to name it."

"We'll discuss that after this works, Ensign." The Chief Engineer did a final scan, but everything fell within the design parameters. "Fifteen seconds until impact."

"Opening shuttle bay doors and taking her out. I'll keep to the planned course, but please remember that you may lose -."

"Communications due to interference from your shield reactor," B'Elanna finished the thought and smiled. "You've told me that a million times."

"Glad you were payed attention, Lieutenant."

The Chief Engineer thought there was going to be another sarcastic addition, but static drowned out Lee's next words. B'Elanna knew the Ensign was thinking I told you so.

"The shuttle has encountered the asteroid field. Shields holding." B'Elanna frowned.

"What is it, Lieutenant?"

The Chief Engineer looked up to see Captain Janeway staring over her shoulder. "Ensign Lee is slightly off course. The asteroids at the end of the belt are also larger than what we were expecting."

"Are we in any danger?" Kathryn asked, keeping her voice steady. She had completely forgotten Lee was doing this today. If she were honest, she had pushed anything to do with the younger woman out of her mind, hoping it would make things clearer. Their talk would have to wait until later.

"No, Captain. Voyager can easily withstand being hit. I'm more worried about the shuttle." B'Elanna's voice trailed off into Klingon curses.

"On screen," Captain Janeway ordered and her eyes widened. The asteroids looked like planets next to the tiny silver moon of a shuttle. "B'Elanna, get communications back online. We're aborting this test. Chakotay, give me rescue options."

"Captain, I'm only getting static," Lieutenant Torres replied. "I've lost the data stream from the shuttle as well. There's no way of knowing what the hell is going on out there."

Captain Janeway watched in horrified helplessness as the asteroids pummelled the tiny craft. It had lost propulsion and was slamming from rock to rock. She turned to her first officer. "Lock onto Ensign Lee's signal and beam her out of there."

"There's no life signs coming from the shuttle, Captain. I can't get a fix on her," Chakotay said and glanced at Ensign Harry Kim who nodded and started trying to adjust their transporter modulations. "We can't use the tractor beam either."

"Lee's shield is somehow still blocking the beam. We won't be able to touch that shuttle," B'Elanna added through gritted teeth.

"Tom, get Voyager moving. I want us to act as a wall between the shuttle and the asteroids." Kathryn took her seat and nodded at her helmsman. "It's going to get rough. Yellow alert."

The team on the bridge continued working on other options, but Kathryn's focus was on the view screen. Chakotay's words kept ringing through her head. No life signs could mean a million different things and Kathryn desperately hoped it wasn't the simplest answer in this case.

Lieutenant Paris had his console glowing with his quick manoeuvres and course changes. He had to very careful not to get too close to the erratically moving shuttle. Luckily the asteroid belt was thinning and after another minute had continued on its course.

"Captain, I've gone over Lee's designs," Harry said from behind his station. "I should be able to get the tractor beam working if we modulate it based on Lee's specs."

"Do it, Ensign," Captain Janeway ordered and stood up. "Chakotay, you have the bridge. Keep me informed if you get any readings from the shuttle or Ensign Lee. B'Elanna, Tuvok, you're with me. We're going to the shuttle bay."

Kathryn tried to take deep steadying breaths as they rode the turbolift. She had already called for the Doctor to join them. Different scenarios kept running through her mind, but the Starfleet officer shut them down. She'll only know what's happened once they get to the shuttle. The lack of any readings from the shuttle did not have to mean anything.

The Captain's face fell when they entered the shuttle bay. The craft looked worse than from the bridge. Panels were bent and scratched. It looked like a giant had used the shuttle as a golf ball.

"I'm still not reading any life signs, Captain," the Doctor reported.

"There's no energy readings coming from the shuttle. It's dead." B'Elanna cursed her words the moment they left her lips. But, as always, their Captain kept her calm.

"Lieutenant Torres, get a team down here to open the shuttle. We may need some heavy tools. The damage to the hull is extensive." Kathryn paused and swallowed the painful lump in her throat. Her heart was screaming at her. Why hadn't she stopped Lee? Why hadn't she told her how she felt? It was too late now. The Starfleet Captain took a deep breath and turned to the Chief Medical Officer. "Doctor, we'll need to recover the body."

Silence greeted her words and Kathryn turned away from shuttle and the looks of her crew. She wanted to scream, run, do something. But, there was nothing she could do.

A loud clang echoed through the hanger bay and Kathryn swung around. Her heart jumped out her chest and ran circles around her feet when she saw what emerged from the shuttle.

"That's how you build a shield, ladies and gentlemen," Lee said with a wide grin. She stepped over the shuttle door she had managed to open with some aggressive phaser negotiations. A frown crossed her brow at the unexpected welcome party, but she quickly turned back to her pride and joy. "I'll admit creating something that blocks absolutely everything, solid or signal, isn't what I planned, but I should get points for being thorough!"

Lee paused and wiped a bit of blood off her cheek. Why did Kathryn look like she was going to throw her back out the shuttle bay doors without a shuttle? "Fine, I'll admit we'll need to check the dampeners before we do this again. I was thrown around like a bartender does a bad martini. But, it's only moderate hull damage and the blood on my face probably looks much worse than it really is."

The last words slipped off Lee's tongue slowly as she watched Kathryn charge towards her. Lee prepared herself for a barrage of Starfleet protocols she had disobeyed, how many hours she would be spending cleaning the mess hall and how quickly her project would disappear into Voyager's database. The last thing she was expecting was Kathryn throwing her arms around the surprised Ensign's neck. Kathryn pulled her down for an oxygen-stealing, heart-heating kiss.

Kathryn never wanted to let go of the woman in her arms. In the space of two minutes her entire world had come crashing down and been rebuilt. She was angry and happy and loved the feel of Lee's body next to hers. It was warm and soft and so very much alive.

"I love you too." Kathryn smiled at the emotions vying for space in the blonde Ensign's eyes. Surprise quickly turned to happiness.

"I'm glad you've finally come to your senses," Lee managed to reply after recovering from their kiss. She leaned her forehead against the Captain's. "Kathryn, are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes." The one word was more than enough and Kathryn smiled at the joy in Lee's face.

"You know we have an audience," Lee said and chuckled at the slight blush on Kathryn's cheeks.

"I wasn't planning on discussing this with you in the shuttle bay." Both women grinned as they glanced at their crewmates. Tuvok's face was impassive as always while the Chief Engineer couldn't keep the wide smile from her face. The Doctor was shaking his head.

"Let's get you to Sickbay," the Captain said and reluctantly dropped her arms.

Lee nodded, removing her hands from Kathryn's waist. The adrenaline would be wearing off soon and she knew the bruises would start aching. "Kathryn, would you like to have dinner at my place tonight? I've been tinkering with a few recipes."

"That sounds wonderful. I would love too."

Kathryn knew that it wouldn't probably wasn't going be easy, but as she walked hand-in-hand with Lee to Sickbay, she couldn't imagine having it any other way. It was the Delta Quadrant after all. What haven't they already survived?