Blitz's

Boomerang

Adventure

By

Reptilian-Angel

Blitz: (Sees the title over my shoulder) Is that my name? That's pretty neat! :)

This is a fic that I've always wanted to write for some time now; ever since seeing "Hammy's Boomerang adventure" on my "Over the Hedge" DVD; this mini-movie cracked me up so many times and I was always looking for an excuse to write a parody version of it and just see how it turns out! But I could never think of the right kind of show or comic I should try it out with . . .

Finally, I have a reason; this is birthday gift for my dear friend and faithful Archipelago Fanfiction reviewer, :icon14amychan:, who always makes time to read and review my stories however late and somewhat horrid they may be! Seriously, girl, YOU ROCK!

Obviously, Blitz will be the star of this, both to his misfortune and his/my delight, when Uru – Our Catty Whaleman who always leaves us in stitches – decides to have some fun with a video camera . . . (Let's just pretend that the Archipelago in the modern times with all the usual magic and such . . .)

Anyways, I own no characters or the actual Mini-movie plot, including the very first line used in this disclaimer by none other than Blitz (Blitz waves to the viewers happily), I simply spin and write for creative purposes so everybody please don't sue me! Read, enjoy and review!

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!

Normal P.O.V.

BEEP!

Static is shown for a split moment, until it clears and reveals a gray-furred, bald, blue-eyed Seranith and a small, golden-eyed, dark-haired girl with dragonesque ears that are currently swerved down looking towards the viewers while the simple word "REC" stands on the upper left corner of the screen.

"Is it on?" The girl asks.

"Red light's on." The Seranith says, looking over the camera.

With that said, the two of them chuckle quietly before abruptly beginning to hush each other. The Seranith hands the camera to somebody off-screen and swerves it around, making the surroundings blur for one moment; until the world's back in focus, the lens adjusting on a large cardboard sign held up by the Seranith saying in clearly written by a child in black-marker, "Uru's wild world of natur"

The two continue to giggle until an older, masculine voice starts to hush them from behind the camera. The camera is swung around once again and reveals a tall, brown-haired, brown-eyed, brown-skinned Were-whale with eye markings and a wide sharp-toothed grin currently speaking into a hairbrush like a microphone. "Welcome to Uru's Wild World of nature, featuring my trusty crew," He gestures behind making the camera turn and fall on the same Seranith and the same little girl from before who both were rummaging through a box filled with . . . something. "Spindle, Claire," The camera turns completely around and comes face-to-face with a small gangly boy with big, square glasses, a hat hiding three wisps of blonde hair on his head and a scarf. "And Benjamin. Say hi, Benjamin."

"Hi." The boy waves shyly with a meek smile.

"Nice." Uru comments before the camera comes back to him. "Today, our subject is . . . Blitz Solair, the Summer Dragon." He points off-screen, a cue for the camera to turn and zoom in on an average-height, skinny one-eyed man with an eye-patch wearing a watch around his neck and dressed in a coat and pin-striped trousers, currently humming obviously while running around on the grass.

When the camera turns back to him, Uru holds up an atlas, albeit that it is upside-down, and points to the picture of the island inside with an informative tone, "The Summer Solair Dragon Adult is a native of Ruin Island." Gesturing back towards Blitz, who looks around aimlessly, totally ignorant to the others as he scratches himself much in the matter of a chimpanzee. "His interests include picture books, long walks to nowhere in particular, mooching food from the locals and collecting shiny things." As Blitz starts to stick his fingers inside his ear with no regrets, Uru muses to the audience, "Let's see what happens when Blitz discovers . . ." The camera turns around and reveals Spindle and Claire holding a small, red boomerang. ". . . This boomerang!"

"Ta-da!" Claire says to camera, with a dramatic wave of her hands and a cute flop of her ears.

"Ok, go, go!" Uru exclaims to the three kids quietly, prompting both of them to drop the said boomerang with smothered laughs.

At his urging and shushing to keep it down, the camera turns and follows them as they fall behind a brush of bushes big enough for the small group to hide in. The camera faces Spindle who shushes anyone else still making a sound, looking around in alertness with nothing short of a smile on his face. Claire's face blocks up half of the camera as she whispers with a mischievous grin, "This is gonna be great!"

"Gimme that!" Uru hisses from off-screen, before his hand comes over the lens and turns it around in spite of Claire's giggles. The camera shows a small peek through the bushes, allowing the viewers to see where they left the boomerang and Blitz as he starts to skip by. At first, Uru thinks Blitz isn't going to take it and starts with, "No, no, no . . ." Before Blitz blinks at the small object, earning a "Hey, he's coming!" And shushes the kids from off-screen.

The lens zooms in on Blitz as he trots over to the boomerang and blinks curiously. "Oooh . . . What's this?" Picking it up, he begins looking it over with great interest. "It is lost?" He asks no one in particular before breaking out into a gleeful, if not manic, grin. "If you're lost, you're mine! It's mine! It's mine!" He holds up the boomerang like a trophy for the world to see.

Without provocation, he licks the boomerang like a lollipop before biting it like a piece of jerky. He stops and holds out the boomerang with his tongue sticking out in disgust, "You do not taste very good! I don't want you then! Bye-bye!" He throws it aside, making it disappear off-screen, leaving Blitz alone and smacking his lips in attempt to get the taste out of his mouth –

WHAP!

Blitz yelps and jumps five feet in the air before landing on his feet, poised like a cat and battle-ready to attack . . . whatever it was that had just snuck up behind him and hit him in the head. The boomerang fell to a clatter on the ground at his feet. From their place in the bushes, the kids giggle at him.

Seeing nobody behind him, Blitz looks around in a daze of confusion before scratching his head, stumped. Seeing the boomerang, he picks it up once again and throws it away again with a blank smile –

THUMP!

The kids laugh quietly once again when Blitz exclaims in pain once again and places a feeble hand over his new bump before pointing to the boomerang accusingly. "Ow! Hey! You stop that!"

The camera turns from Blitz and meets with a loudly giggling Claire whose ears twitch in time. Uru's finger pokes her nose as he says quietly but sternly from off-screen, "Hey! Easy, Princess Giggles, keep it down over there!"

"Okay, Uru." Claire grins but complies. Spindle snickers from behind her.

The camera comes up and sees Uru's nose as he winks, "And now, back to our program."

The camera turns back to the peek just in time to see Blitz toss the boomerang once more. He listens to the whistle it makes in the air for a few moments . . . Before ducking abruptly, and missing an assault by the wooden thing by a second. He jumps back to his feet with a triumphant grin. "Ah-Ha! –"

WHACK!

Blitz is actually thrown off his feet with a squeak and lands on his chin with his feet hanging over him like a spring as the offending boomerang lands on the ground yet again, seemingly satisfied with successfully hitting its target. The kids can barely hold in their laughter.

Growling, Blitz snaps back to his feet and snatches the boomerang with a glare. Tossing it away, he ducks and allows the boomerang to fly over his head. Seeing it gone, he stands up . . . Just in time to hear it come back and quickly jump seven feet in the air, allowing the boomerang to sail underneath him. The process goes on a few more times, Blitz making different poses each time he leaps out of the path and into the air, even doing a handstand and humming a blind tune.

Having enough of jumping for now, he lands square on his feet and grabs the boomerang when it comes close and chucks it away again . . . And again . . . And again . . . Before suddenly tossing away a ball that oddly enough zapped into his hand with a flash of red light . . . And then a lollipop . . . And then a big cookie before doing a double-take and exclaiming, "What the . . . ?"

The world is silent when he starts to listen for the boomerang fearfully –

BUMP!

The boomerang falls before him once again, as Blitz twitches in pain. Seeing it, he jumps like seeing a ghost and immediately scrambles for the nearest tree, with the unseen camera tailing the sight. The kids start to chuckle again before Benjamin whispers urgently, "Guys, be quiet!"

From his place in the tree, Blitz snaps his head left and right in paranoid observance for a few seconds until sighing in relief when he sees he's alone, never noticing a flash of red energy . . . Until he looks down and sees the boomerang "looking" up at him innocently from its perch below him.

Letting out a noise of fright, Blitz covers his eye and patch with his hands, shouting, "Go away, Mr. Wooden-Thingy, I don't believe in you anymore!" The boomerang, as though it heard him, complied and disappeared from the screen. Uncertainly, Blitz removes his hand from his good eye and peeks around cautiously. Once again alone, he sighs in genuine relief.

. . . Until the camera lens zooms out and sees the boomerang disappearing and reappearing from flashes of red repeatedly from all corners of the tree.

"NO!" Blitz throws his hands up in defeat. "Okay, Mr. Woody! I BELIEVE in YOU!" He then starts chasing the elusive boomerang in almost near desperation around the tree trunk, finally grabbing it after a few seconds and tumbling out of the tree.

Growling at it with a "You're making me NUTS!" He drops it and starts to madly dig a deep hole in the ground, leaving a big pile of dirt behind. Once deep enough for his tastes, he takes the boomerang and drops it down the hole. From there, he proceeds to cover up the hole with a happy hum, thinking that it was all over –

THWAP!

Blitz lets out a shout of exasperation. "This stupid . . . !" Choosing not to finish the sentence, he opts instead to reach into his coat and pull out a sword from practically nowhere and chops the apparently demonic thing into teeny, tiny chunks and pieces. Once that was done, he pulls a burlap sack in almost the same order, taking the remnants of wood and stuffing them inside and tying the bag securely. A cloud red energy comes over him then, his human shape growing and expanding until he reaches full dragon form; with a evil chuckle escaping his now longer and sparking red snout, he breathes in deep and unleashes a barrage of fire on the bag, charring it instantly into to pile of ashes.

Not yet satisfied with his work, Blitz jumps on the pile and stomps on it with all fours with a fury. He continues to do so for a moment more before hopping off it and skipping away with a sing-song voice –

BUMP!

THUMP!

WHACK!

"Oh, COME ON!" Blitz exclaims in frustration, now watching the three new boomerangs spin relentlessly around him. The kids let out semi-quiet laughs at the sight.

The camera comes back to the bushes and faces Uru who says to the viewers, "So, what do you think? Should we tell him?"

The camera turns and shows Spindle and Clare standing over an almost empty box labeled "Toy Boomerangs" with Spindle holding one of them in readiness to throw it and have it join the others. "Oh, come on! We got three more left in the box!" He says insistently with Claire nodding in agreement.

Before Uru says anything, an unfamiliar, slightly gruff voice sounds from in front of the bushes. "Hey. Uru? Spindle? Kids?"

The kids all start to moan dejectedly as the voice's owner as he appears into the camera; this man like Uru has sharp teeth, but is instead light-skinned with wild red hair and a pair of bright, sea green eyes that's looks around at the group in a mixture of disappointment and disbelief. "It's Mr. Tuff." Claire says with an unseen frown.

"What is going on?" Tuff asks them as the camera focuses on him. Looking at all of them, he concludes for himself, "You're teasing Blitz and you're filming it. Is that what you're doing?

"Oh, Tuff, c'mon –" Uru starts to say in their defense.

"Give it to me." Tuff is referring to camera and his hands nearly blacken the screen as he takes it away from Benjamin.

From off-screen the viewers can hear Uru saying, "No, Tuff, c'mon, take it easy! –" The camera is then tossed away, taping the world in a spin before crashing to ground; the screen nearly goes into static from the force but realigns itself just as Uru, Tuff and the kids come out of the bushes and into the light. "– Just trying to have a little –"

"What? That "We're just having a little fun?"" Tuff guesses sarcastically to Uru with arms crossed over his chest.

Uru rolls his eyes at him. "That's not what it looks like." He says in protest with a smile.

"Oh, really?" Tuff frowns at him before he starts to count off fingers. "You have a box of boomerangs. Blitz throws them." He points to the said dragon off-screen. "They come back. They hit him in the head. And you film it." Uru and the kids each sag their shoulders at each fact Tuff counts off until they were all staring at their feet in shame. Seeing he had pretty much summed it all up, he let out a dry chuckle, "Well, congratulations, you've all turned into the stereotypical jerks that we all scorn and hate every day of our lives. –"

Blitz, having forgotten the whole thing and not noticing the five of them, is chasing a butterfly with the eagerness of a newborn cat. "C'mere you!"

Tuff watches this with a bit of a worried look but doesn't let up in his lecture towards the ones in front of him at all. "– This is the sort of thing that's expected of people like them; they hurt people and they film it. –"

Blitz's horned face fills up the camera screen. His one good eye blinks in wonder. "Ooh, what are you?" He sniffs it with a snort before licking it just like he did with the boomerang before.

The screen becomes blurred with saliva, but still tapes Blitz smacking his lips. "You taste shiny!" He decrees before taking the camera into his claws with glee. "It's mine!" He declares, mishandling the camera so it stares up into the sky with his face peeking into it occasionally. "Nobody touch it! I saw it first! I don't know what it does! I don't care! It's mine!" The screen clears up a few moments later, showing the said scene in clarity once again. "It's mine, it's mine, it's mine!"

The camera falls onto Tuff, Uru and the kids once more just as Tuff is finishing to a compliant-looking Uru and the sulking Seranith, girl and boy below him. "– Blitz has enough head problems as it is so let's just not have this again, okay?" Looking towards the offending object, he states with hands on his hips, "Get rid of the camera. The camera causes half of the problem."

"Yes, Mr. Tuff –" Spindle, Claire and Benjamin start to drawl until Blitz suddenly lurches forward and, coming in too close, hits Benjamin right in the head, making the screen fritz once again. "OW!" Benjamin exclaims, his hands flying to the injured spot, staring incredulously into the camera.

The camera goes up and sees Uru making a cross over his heart as he promises, "Tuff, we swear that we'll never do it again." Before giving a quiet chuckle and reaching down for the camera –

Beep!

The world disappears and blue is all the viewers can see; it is clearly on pause and remains so for a minute until –

Beep, beep, beep!

Beep!

Uru appears before the viewers once again, holding the sign from before, the only difference on it being that someone added with another sentence of black marker, "UNRATED version", "Okay, welcome to another episode of Uru's Wild World of Nature." He quietly says in excitement to the camera. "Today, we have a special treat for the viewers, especially for you ladies," He says this part with a devilish grin as he gestures off-screen, causing the camera to turn and focus on a smiling Clair and, now human, Blitz, as they push open a cracked-open door behind them, allowing a cloud of steam and the sounds of rushing water to escape. ". . . The ever-elusive but never hard to find, Bare-Back Quillotian Sharkman!"

The camera enters the bathroom and zooms in on an indeed barebacked and currently humming Tuff Luck as he rests in bathtub full of steaming hot water, holding the flowing spray nozzle over his head to rinse out the suds of whatever hair product he was using. His discarded clothes, including his undergarments, lay nearby on the toilet seat along with a selected towel.

Shaking his head to relieve it of the spray's dump of water, he reaches the side to reach for the back-scrubber so he could rub it at his back . . .

. . . Until he goes right bug-eyed and bright cherry red when he finally hears the sounds of his current audience trying desperately hard and failing miserably to hold in their laughter and looks up.

Big mistake.

Tuff's reaction is instant; he lets out a roar found on the streams of pure, morbid embarrassment and utter, simplified rage as he almost topples out of the tub, splashing water onto the floor in waves as he scrambles towards them nearly in his full-glory and wrestling to set his towel properly around his waist.

Everyone screams or hoots in laughter at the sight as the camera scrambles backwards maniacally to get away from the reach of a Tuff's back-scrubber as it swings at them. Unfortunately the camera gets knocked out of its handler's hands and falls once again to the floor, nearly going into static but realigning the next second, never once stopping in its taping of the scene around it.

"URU!" Tuff bellows, his accent as thick as wood and his eyes nearly black now and baring straight into the chortling and snorting Whaleman happily dodging his swings and jabs from the shower tool Tuff was using a sword. "WHAT is WRONG with you?! You're really ENJOYING yourself, aren't you?! You know what your problem is?! You're a HACK with a CAMERA!"

"Oh, come on, relax! –" Uru tries to start but stops to duck at Tuff's swing at his head. The last thing the camera sees of the both of them before they disappear around the corner is the slightest showing of Tuff's rear-end peeking out from the towel as he chases Uru with a basically lethal bathing condiment.

Spindle with Claire on his back and Benjamin climbing onto his tail, bounces in his steps as he hoots with laughter to "Look out!" as he directs the three of them to follow the two Beastmen, leaving the camera in their wake.

Blitz reappears from nowhere, now with Tuff's clothes tied or placed haphazardly on his person, with the pair of boxers popped on his head like a hat, the trousers pulled on the left arm with one leg like a glove and the shirt tied around his waist like a sash, exclaiming gleefully for the third time that day. "Look what I found! Laundry Pants man is here! Are these on right? Are they backwards? Nobody touch them! I saw them first!" Taking a swing at an imaginary foe, he runs off-screen shouting, "GET AWAAAY!" Before returning a split-second later, saying blankly straight into the camera, "'Cause they're mine!"

He runs off for the final time, yelling "They're mine!" right before Benjamin rushes back from the corner and leaps towards the camera, exclaiming with humor, "Close your eyes, close your eyes, ha, ha!" –

The world fades to black in a fit of static.

ME: Whew! I started to write this around 5 yersterday and now it's like . . . 9:33 on my clock! Wow, that's my all-time record for finishing a short story. I think . . .

Poor Tuff, lol, hope Cassie never gets a hold of that camera. :3 I just couldn't resist adding Tuff, he is probably my all-time favorite character in Arch EVER!

Hope ya enjoy yer gift!