Feedback: Positive or negative both welcome.
celli@fanfic101.com
Rating: PG-ish for mention of violence.
Spoilers: Through "Out of Gas."
Summary: Responsibility, usefulness, and other things Mal
shouldn't think about.
Archiving: Fireflight (www.sunnydale-slayers.com/firefly)
and by permission.
Disclaimer: Despite showing up in my shower with plot
bunnies, no, Mal is not mine. Firefly belongs to that
redhead out in LA and various companies with lawyers.
***
Leaving Serenity
by Celli Lane
***
"I'm not leaving Serenity." --Mal, Out of Gas
***
No, he doesn't leave Serenity. Ever.
Not at night, when he doesn't so much dream as travel back
to dirt and fear and hunger and blood. Wishing to die
rather than watch his own people die--he was a sergeant, he
never wanted command of more than his own life, and not even
that most days. Holding his oldest friend, his mother's
foreman, Cheng, while he coughed blood all over a brown coat
that was nearly the same color. Being held by Zoe as he
finally cried, not even able to mourn before the shelling
started again.
Not in the day, when flashes of light reflecting off a
puddle would make him spin and draw on nothing for months,
months and months, while he and Zoe worked and stole and
argued their way across a half-dozen planets to get the
money for a ship. While he daily told Zoe to leave,
goddammit, he wasn't responsible for her until she knocked
him unconscious just to get him to shut up about it.
He'll never tell Zoe that Serenity was for her, at first.
A ship has real walls, not makeshift ones. A ship has
doors that can shut out the bad guys. Harder to surprise
you in space.
A ship can run.
But a ship can also make you l--care for her. A ship can
inspire affection. Pride. Responsibility.
He's through with heroism, with faith in a cause. He does
what's best for him, best for Zoe, best for Serenity, and
what's right can go to hell. And he believes that he
believes that, most of the time.
Looking back, he thinks it was the crew that ruined it.
Sometime between that first moment of connection with
Kaylee, when he realized she could love Serenity too, and
the day Wash--swear to God--asked him for Zoe's hand in
marriage, Mal woke up one morning and realized that he had
subordinates again. That brought on an avalanche of
swearing Cheng would have been proud of and two sleepless
weeks of walking the ship at night, all but listening at
doors for their breathing.
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance,"
the man said, and Mal is beginning to believe in his own
ignorance if nothing else. He doesn't know how Serenity
runs. He doesn't know how to negotiate like Inara, fly like
Wash, doctor like Simon, fight like...well, he can fight.
But Zoe and Jayne are better.
Some days, he's fairly certain he only ranks above the crazy
girl in usefulness. And those are the good days.
Serenity needs them. And he needs her. And the only thing
he knows amidst all this ignorance is that someday he'll die
to protect them.
No, he won't leave Serenity. Ever.
--the end--
Notes: Yes, I did swear I'd never write Firefly fic. But
when Mal shows up in my shower all vulnerable, what was I
s'posed to do? (Besides *that.*)
A lot of people were encouraging about this, so in addition
to Perri, Kiki, and the other Horsechicks for their usual
wonderfulness, I want to thank Jayne...er, Lady Jayne...er,
Serrico, as well as Elis, Te, and Rhythm, for their
encouragement at various stages.
--"Real knowledge" quote is Confucious.
celli@fanfic101.com
Rating: PG-ish for mention of violence.
Spoilers: Through "Out of Gas."
Summary: Responsibility, usefulness, and other things Mal
shouldn't think about.
Archiving: Fireflight (www.sunnydale-slayers.com/firefly)
and by permission.
Disclaimer: Despite showing up in my shower with plot
bunnies, no, Mal is not mine. Firefly belongs to that
redhead out in LA and various companies with lawyers.
***
Leaving Serenity
by Celli Lane
***
"I'm not leaving Serenity." --Mal, Out of Gas
***
No, he doesn't leave Serenity. Ever.
Not at night, when he doesn't so much dream as travel back
to dirt and fear and hunger and blood. Wishing to die
rather than watch his own people die--he was a sergeant, he
never wanted command of more than his own life, and not even
that most days. Holding his oldest friend, his mother's
foreman, Cheng, while he coughed blood all over a brown coat
that was nearly the same color. Being held by Zoe as he
finally cried, not even able to mourn before the shelling
started again.
Not in the day, when flashes of light reflecting off a
puddle would make him spin and draw on nothing for months,
months and months, while he and Zoe worked and stole and
argued their way across a half-dozen planets to get the
money for a ship. While he daily told Zoe to leave,
goddammit, he wasn't responsible for her until she knocked
him unconscious just to get him to shut up about it.
He'll never tell Zoe that Serenity was for her, at first.
A ship has real walls, not makeshift ones. A ship has
doors that can shut out the bad guys. Harder to surprise
you in space.
A ship can run.
But a ship can also make you l--care for her. A ship can
inspire affection. Pride. Responsibility.
He's through with heroism, with faith in a cause. He does
what's best for him, best for Zoe, best for Serenity, and
what's right can go to hell. And he believes that he
believes that, most of the time.
Looking back, he thinks it was the crew that ruined it.
Sometime between that first moment of connection with
Kaylee, when he realized she could love Serenity too, and
the day Wash--swear to God--asked him for Zoe's hand in
marriage, Mal woke up one morning and realized that he had
subordinates again. That brought on an avalanche of
swearing Cheng would have been proud of and two sleepless
weeks of walking the ship at night, all but listening at
doors for their breathing.
"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance,"
the man said, and Mal is beginning to believe in his own
ignorance if nothing else. He doesn't know how Serenity
runs. He doesn't know how to negotiate like Inara, fly like
Wash, doctor like Simon, fight like...well, he can fight.
But Zoe and Jayne are better.
Some days, he's fairly certain he only ranks above the crazy
girl in usefulness. And those are the good days.
Serenity needs them. And he needs her. And the only thing
he knows amidst all this ignorance is that someday he'll die
to protect them.
No, he won't leave Serenity. Ever.
--the end--
Notes: Yes, I did swear I'd never write Firefly fic. But
when Mal shows up in my shower all vulnerable, what was I
s'posed to do? (Besides *that.*)
A lot of people were encouraging about this, so in addition
to Perri, Kiki, and the other Horsechicks for their usual
wonderfulness, I want to thank Jayne...er, Lady Jayne...er,
Serrico, as well as Elis, Te, and Rhythm, for their
encouragement at various stages.
--"Real knowledge" quote is Confucious.